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Unread 09-22-2013, 02:28 PM   #51
gmasusie
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I am scared, but I am doing the prep that I did when I quit smoking 15 years ago. I know I have to have the mindset and let my husband, children, and doctor what I plan to do. Wed. is the target date. When I quit smoking, I missed the target date by one day, but I still did it. I'll let other people know if they need to, or if I need support.

I am also reading everything I can. Thanks, NancyB, for all the sites you have referred me to in this thread and others. I think I am prepared to make some suggestions to my doctor, while being prepared to learn from him too.

Thanks to all for your support. It's countdown now: three days. I think I'm ready.
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Unread 09-22-2013, 07:43 PM   #52
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gmasusie,

Glad to hear you're on the path to sobriety!! You have a good plan in place. Remember you're not reinventing the wheel here. Reach out for support, to vent, whenever you need to. You don't have to go through this alone. Actually most can't which is why some form of peer support is recommend.

We are here for you!

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Unread 09-22-2013, 09:04 PM   #53
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Many thanks, Saint.

You are always supportive. I am calling my friend tomorrow to see if she will sponsor me and find out what venue she used to quit. I'm feeling more resolute every day. I can only thank all of you on this thread for giving me that strength. Also my husband is not pushing me. He just asks every day what he can do or what I need. So, I really feel empowered by all of you. I'll keep you posted.
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Unread 09-23-2013, 10:38 AM   #54
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gmasisie, You are lucky that you want sobriety, you have a husband who supports you & a friend who has been sober for 17 years.
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Unread 09-23-2013, 11:09 AM   #55
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Yes, I am lucky, R. Lee. I also have you guys.
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Unread 09-23-2013, 02:40 PM   #56
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I just talked to my friend with 17 years sobriety. She said that she had a great sponsor through AA who helped her through, and she said she would be honored to be my sponsor. So, I see the doctor on Wednesday and arrange to meet with her on Thursday.
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Unread 09-23-2013, 04:07 PM   #57
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That's great news that you will have a sponsor and are posting every day gmasusie.

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Unread 09-23-2013, 05:18 PM   #58
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Thanks, Frank, for being there.
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Unread 09-23-2013, 07:14 PM   #59
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gmasusie, Glad that you are going to give this a try. Work this program the best you can. Being honest, humble & not picking up that 1st drink is so important.
You can do this but it is a lifetime of work.
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Unread 09-23-2013, 11:22 PM   #60
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I know. That's what scares me. BUT, I am more scared of the example to my children and grandchildren to die an alcoholic. My plan is Thursday at best or Friday at worst as my day to say " Just for today, I choose not to drink." I will keep you posted. I am so pleased that D agreed to be my sponsor. My husband is also pleased. We will meet on Thurs or Fri, depending on meds and schedules for Step 1. I don't want to delay. I am being as honest and humble as I know how to be at this moment. I am sure I don't know all of my foibles at this point, but I am willing to listen and learn. Humility is about all I am feeling right now. I seem to find strength in the humility, if that makes any sense. I'm not sure I understand it myself. I can only rely on the Serenity Prayer and your support at this point. Many thanks.

Tomorrow is another day. The struggle continues!
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Unread 09-24-2013, 09:04 AM   #61
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Hi gmasusie,

Nice name btw. I know I sound like a broken record (that's those round plastic disks for the young here), but try not to put too much too soon on your plate. For me it boiled down to just not drinking today. I had a very hard time with that with my mind in the past or in the future, but I somehow forced myself to stay away from the alcohol aisles in stores.


Keeping it pretty much that simple was about all I could do and it's been working for a year and a half. I tried making it more complicated than that in the past, but it never worked for me. I guess that would be the first step, and that's about all I took on for a while. That's just me, but keeping it as simple (very hard for me) as I could somehow got me through the rough times. Take care,

Frank
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Unread 09-24-2013, 09:29 AM   #62
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Fhanks Frank,

You have a nice name too: it was my father's name, whom I loved dearly.

I need all the suggestions I can get. Keep them coming.

Thanks
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Unread 09-24-2013, 11:09 AM   #63
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gmasusie, Humble & humility are too different words. Let go of the humility. You are no different from the rest of us. It takes courage to walk through the door & sit down a say your 1st name & I'm a alcoholic.
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Unread 09-24-2013, 01:18 PM   #64
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Hey Susie! I am so glad that you are getting to a cardiologist to get some testing done. I went about a month ago and found out my triglycerides and cholesterol were through the roof, all because of my drinking of course. I am getting ready to go back to the doctor in about a week when I am one month sober to get retested. I'm really excited about it actually! You are so right that a support group is what works to keep us sober, whether it is AA or any other group. When you can talk with people who have had the same experience as you, and see those who have walked out of the treacherous grips of alcohol, it empowers you to follow in their footsteps. Blessings!

Michael
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Unread 09-25-2013, 09:11 AM   #65
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Thanks RLee and Michael. Today is my appointment with the Dr. I will let you know what he says. Later
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Unread 09-25-2013, 09:20 AM   #66
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I didn't mean to be abrupt. I'm getting ready to go. RLee, I'm still mulling over your last response.
Michael, I did not know that was an issue for you. I do hope your next workup shows better results.

I will be back later.
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Unread 09-25-2013, 10:33 AM   #67
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Hi Gmasusie!

I am praying for you! Just keep it simple, I really liked what Frank said. When I was at church on Sunday, something that was said really stuck with me. "When you feel lost, just go back to the basics." That, for me, was very powerful. Sometimes I tend to overthink, overschedule, overthis, overthat, when all I need to do is get out of the way and let Him do His work, and I need to trust that it will all be ok. Way easier said than done!

Back to the basics for me means "Trust God, Don't Drink, Clean House". Is my side of the street clean? Am I holding on to anything that I shouldn't be? Am I being honest with others, and am I being honest with myself? I have been struggling with some things lately, but I know that if I get out of myself, get out of my head, and do something for someone else, I am on the right track. Or simply doing the next right thing that is in front of me to do. For example, since I'm off this morning, I need to fold laundry, get showered, and go on a field trip with my little pre-school son. His first school bus ride, he is beyond excited! I have to keep it simple right now. Otherwise I get all mixed up and that usually leads to nowhere good.

Please let us know how your doctor appointment turns out. Also, when choosing not to drink for one day, do not be afraid to break it up into even smaller segments. Take care! Jenm
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Unread 09-25-2013, 06:16 PM   #68
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Tree doc in backyard....friend in ER....Dr.'s results really positive. I'll give details when I can, probably AM.

JenM -- You remind me of my daughter!!! Thanks for the support. I know it is from the heart.
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Unread 09-26-2013, 10:06 AM   #69
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Well, I don't know where to begin. All my lab results look really good, including liver and kidney function. We talked about paranoia after heart surgery being very common, and he doesn't seem to think I have a problem.

I didn't get a chance to talk with my husband who went with me in depth about this yet, but I'm tempted to take what the doctor said and just try to cut back and enjoy life.

I know I'm sticking my neck out here to be chopped, but I wonder if I have been overly concerned?

My husband is in meetings today and I have a charity luncheon to attend, but I will talk with him in the AM. In the meantime, I am curious about your feedback after what I have written.
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Unread 09-26-2013, 10:08 AM   #70
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I took the info from Nancy B about meds. He said if I really want to quit, my Alprazolam prescription will work the same way. I have never had a problem overdoing prescription meds. Now I guess I am just confused.
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Unread 09-26-2013, 11:16 AM   #71
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gmasusci, Being humiliated is not good. Being humble & admitting that you have a drinking problem is a start. We have to be humble, honest & open.

Doctors sometimes do not have a clue about alcoholism. Ask your sponsor who has 17 years sober about what the doctor said.

If you think you have a drinking problem then use your sponsors advice.

Controlled drinking sucks. It is the 1st drink that will get you. Not the 50th.

Maybe your not ready to stop. Only you know that.

King alcohol will tell us that we don't have a problem. Our drinking friends will tell us the same.

You had the courage to come here & admit that you have a drinking problem. You got a sponsor for the same reason.

Good luck on your choices.
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Unread 09-26-2013, 11:36 AM   #72
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Hello gmasusie, Glad your medical tests turned out ok. Now, I am not real sure all that you shared with your dr about your drinking so that he would say HE didn't think you have a problem.

I wonder what the dr would have said had you told him what you have shared with us,

"All of you reading this can guess. I start drinking at 10 - 11 AM and don't stop until I go to bed at 9-10 PM. I put ice in my chardonnay to slow me down and convince myself I'm not a drunk. I almost never get "drunk" because my tolerance is so high, but I know I'm killing myself. I just wish it would hurry up and happen."

Anyways, just somethings to think about. It will be up to you to decide what is necessary for you to do. I am just saying that it sounds to me like you are now looking for an excuse to continue, and that will not end well, imo.

Best wishes,

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Unread 09-26-2013, 12:21 PM   #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gmasusie View Post
I took the info from Nancy B about meds. He said if I really want to quit, my Alprazolam prescription will work the same way. I have never had a problem overdoing prescription meds. Now I guess I am just confused.
Hi gmasusie, in my opinion, I think you should find a doctor who knows something about alcohol dependence. Alprazolam (Xanax) is a benzodiazepine which some doctors/rehabs may use during detox - with the patient being supervised.

The medications that were on that link are specifically for alcohol dependence. Campral specifically is for people who have stopped drinking to help them through the period after that where there may be physical and emotional discomfort from stopping.

The naltrexone is kind of like a harm reduction medication. It will not stop someone from drinking, but it will lessen the effects of alcohol and people tend to drink less because they aren't getting any effect.

The antabuse is the only aversive medication because it will cause people to get violently ill if they drink while taking it.

Please, really think about getting a second opinion from a doctor or a psychiatrist who specializes in alcohol dependence / addiction. It doesn't sound like your cardiologist is informed enough to really have solid input.

Nancy
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Unread 09-26-2013, 06:49 PM   #74
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Hi gmasusie,

There's already been some very good advice here, but I will just add that all the doctor's that I went to couldn't see that I was an alcoholic without my bringing it up to them, and my liver blood work always came up fine. I never looked or acted like an alcoholic, so if the Doctor's couldn't see any indications, why not keep drinking? And of course I could always quit tomorrow and that went on for years.

The red light is going off in my head when reading: "All of you reading this can guess. I start drinking at 10 - 11 AM and don't stop until I go to bed at 9-10 PM. I put ice in my chardonnay to slow me down and convince myself I'm not a drunk. I almost never get "drunk" because my tolerance is so high, but I know I'm killing myself. I just wish it would hurry up and happen."

Just my 2 cents sweetie,

Frank








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Unread 09-27-2013, 02:29 AM   #75
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Gmasusie,
I glad your test results were normal.

Lots of good feedback for you to consider. Our desire to continue drinking, whether a conscious choice or not influences our decisions. I've reread your posts from the beginning and have arrived at a different conclusion than your Dr. based on what you've posted.

I was sober for a period of time, year, year and a half ? and my Dr.told me he thought I would be able to have a beer or two. This after I had told him the year prior of my previous issues with alcohol. When I drank it was every night and often included shots of tequila. My test results also were normal!! There is no doubt in my mind I'm an alcoholic...

My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk.

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Unread 09-27-2013, 08:29 AM   #76
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Hi Gmasusie!

I can fool any doctor or anyone (and I have) into thinking that I don't have a problem. It is what you feel, what you know in your heart.....that will be the answer. "Normal" drinkers don't try to slow down. Their thoughts aren't consumed with drinking. I have never obsessed or worried about whether or not I have enough diet coke in my fridge. Take care and we are here! Jenm
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Unread 09-27-2013, 10:29 AM   #77
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Wow! I knew I would get responses; I just didn't know how quickly and how many. RLee, Nan, Nancy B., Frank, Saint, and JenM. Thanks so much for your quick and heartfelt evaluations.
I have appt to take dogs to the vet this AM, but I will reread the whole thread and print out to take when I meet with my sponsor. I had forgotten what I first wrote to you all, and no, I did not state it quite that way to my cardiologist. He said he was not an expert in alcoholism. I want my husband to read our exchanges in the last two days and give me his reaction. I know, deep down, I have a problem. I guess I am grasping at straws.

Thank you all for being here.
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Unread 09-27-2013, 12:44 PM   #78
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gmasusie, I never heard of controlled drinking working for someone to stop. If you continue to try controlled drinking. Try limiting yourself to just 1 drink a day & see how long you can just have one drink a day.

My best to you & your choices.
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Unread 09-27-2013, 02:08 PM   #79
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Susie, grasping at straws is a normal part of realizing that you have a problem. It's like a little child being taken away from their security blanket. As alcoholics, we find comfort in our alcohol and root ourselves into a routine of drinking. The thought of uprooting all of that and finding a new routine is hard. I guess what I am trying to say is I understand you, and I want you to know that you can have so much more out of life. The pit of alcoholism is deep, but grab the hands of those who have climbed out before you and follow them to victory! I for one am so grateful for R.Lee, Saint, Jen, Nancy and others on here that have been there for me. It is because of them that I never gave up on myself and kept trying. Take a deep breath Susie, realize that this is a process and you will have to work for it, then grab ahold of sobriety and don't let go for anything! We can do this together Susie. Blessings.

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Unread 09-27-2013, 04:31 PM   #80
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Nice post Michael.

I agree, we all can do this together..... most don't do it alone.

gmasusie,
It is as Michael stated. Our addicted brain what's alcohol and will do what it takes to get it. 'IT' does not want change. Thus the cravings... which are physical and psychological. When we are honest with ourselves we admit we have a problem with alcohol. Don't listen to that voice that tells you it's okay to have one drink....which will then turn into two.

Think sobriety gmasusie. We move towards that which we think about.

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Unread 09-27-2013, 09:55 PM   #81
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I can't. We can. Get out of the way & ask for guidance.
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Unread 09-29-2013, 03:43 PM   #82
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Cooking all morning, no drinking. Headed for potluck at 4 PM. I have an appointment for lunch with sponsor on Tuesday, then to the park for a walk and talk. Wish me strength.

Thanks, all.
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Unread 09-29-2013, 09:32 PM   #83
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gmasusie, Great job. All you have to do is not drink until you go to sleep for the night. I'm so glad you are not doing this alone & have a sponsor
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Unread 09-29-2013, 11:07 PM   #84
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Oh, God, RLee, sorry to disappoint you, but before I checked email, I came home and drank 2 glasses of wine. Now I'm off to bed feeling guilty. It was a reward for how well I had done today. STUPID!!!! I did see my sponsor at the potluck and she and I are looking forward to Tuesday. Tomorrow is going to be tough. Nothing to do but laundry and housework alone. My husband and son are going to Concorsa in Santa Fe.
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Unread 09-30-2013, 12:27 AM   #85
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Gmasusie,

It is our thinking that makes things difficult for us.

Tomorrow will not be difficult.... it will be different. And you will learn if you are open and
Receptive.

Have a plan in place for when the urge comes. If there is alcohol in the house get rid of it.
Remember you're not the first to go through this and you don't have to go through this alone.

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Unread 09-30-2013, 02:46 PM   #86
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Glad to see you posting gmasusie, and please don't sweat the wine. All of us have gone through the learning curve you are going through right now. At least you're aware that there might be/is a problem and are taking steps to learn more, and we're all routing for you. What you're going through is normal!

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Unread 09-30-2013, 04:55 PM   #87
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gmasusie, Today you have a choice to drink or not to drink just for today.
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Unread 09-30-2013, 09:50 PM   #88
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Many, many thanks. I did drink today. Tomorrow is my lunch/meeting with my sponsor. I will awaken saying, "For this next hour, I choose not to drink." One hour at a time. Thanks for letting me continue to post my crazy thoughts and choices.
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Unread 09-30-2013, 10:31 PM   #89
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hi gmasusie, good for you, keep thinking and talking. Great that you are meeting your sponsor for lunch tomorrow. Way to look at it, one hour at a time-you can do this!

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Unread 10-01-2013, 10:48 AM   #90
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Hi Gmasusie!

One hour at a time! Talk to your sponsor. Post every hour if you need to. We have all been exactly where you are right now - as Saint said, this isn't reinventing the wheel!

I am really proud of you. Please do not beat yourself up, that is just the enemy trying to find his way in to make you fail. I would spend SO MUCH time in self-loathing, but it has gotten better, as I was reminded that self-loathing is what I was always so good at - constantly thinking about myself. I am praying for you, take care and keep us posted! Jenm
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Unread 10-01-2013, 04:48 PM   #91
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gmasusie, Were you able to go with out a drink today? Did you meet with your sponsor?
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Unread 10-02-2013, 01:20 AM   #92
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NO. RLee, I am sorry to disappoint you. I delayed drinking until late afternoon. I know, that is not good enough; also, I have learned through experience that I cannot control that every day.
I met my sponsor for two good hours. She is wonderful: non-judgmental and similar background. I told her honestly: Balloon Fiesta starts Friday in Albq, NM. My adopted daughter from Paris arrives tomorrow and my cousin (best friend besides husband and sister) from Las Cruces arrives Friday. I am prepared to share my new resolve to quit drinking, but I don't want to 1) subject them to my withdrawal/recovery, and 2) miss the enjoyment of sharing a glass of wine on the patio with them (both of whom are mild to moderate drinkers).

I recognize that that means sobriety is not my first priority, but I do want to be honest with family and close friends about my plans.

My sponsor said this is all my choice and decision, but she suggested lunch next week to see if I will follow through with the new plan to quit when the houseguests are gone and the Fiesta is over.

I know as I write this how it sounds. Will I keep finding excuses to delay? I hope not. Sponsor suggested I start a journal to examine feelings and decisions. Not a bad idea for a retired English teacher!
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Unread 10-02-2013, 01:24 AM   #93
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Thanks to all for your continued interest and support. You have no idea how much strength I gain. I do believe I can do this: not alone, but with "a little help from my friends" and the Great Spirit. Thank you all for not giving up on me.
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Unread 10-02-2013, 08:30 AM   #94
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gmasusie, You did not disappoint me by drinking. I can only carry the message. I have no control on your drinking.

Good luck in your choices.
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Unread 10-04-2013, 04:12 AM   #95
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Hello Gmasusie,

I believe it is Rlee that says " sometimes we have more drinking to do" ... in a sense that sounds harsh, judgmental and not empathetic... but I think there is so much truth and understanding in that statement. We are either done with the pain and hardship alcohol brings or we are not. I'm sure you've heard the saying - change happens when the pain of current behaviors/circumstances outweighs the pain of change. For me I reached a point where said I will stop an any cost... no matter how hard, painful or life changing it is, I will stop!

I do not offer that as an excuse to continue drinking... but as a matter of encouragement for you to decide to change before the pain (physical, emotional, relational) is so great that that you have to.

Just my thoughts as a fellow soldier in the battle for sobriety.

Blessings!

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Unread 10-08-2013, 06:50 AM   #96
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Hi gmasusie, please let us know how you are when you can. Hope all is well.

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Unread 10-08-2013, 10:25 PM   #97
gmasusie
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RLee, Rix, NancyB, JenM, Nan, Saint, Frankie, et. al.,

I am fine. I still have a house full of company. This is the first time in almost a week I have had time to respond. This is International Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque. I am enjoying pretending to be as normal as my husband and house guests. I get scared when I think of what next week will bring when all will be gone, and I will be alone with myself. Thank you for asking. Do not worry if I do not post before Monday. I actually drink less when I have people around. I think they will be gone by Monday; then I have more soul searching to do. Thanks to all of you for being here.

Michael, I hope you are well. This is the hardest emotional, mental, and physical struggle I have ever fought. I expect the same is true for you. Just know how much strength you have shown to me.

Thanks, Susie
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Unread 10-09-2013, 06:40 AM   #98
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Hi Susie, glad you're doing well with a house full of people and drinking less. Hopefully that will continue once they've all left.

Thanks for letting us know. We'll 'look' for you next week then.

Nancy
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Unread 10-09-2013, 12:26 PM   #99
michaelc232
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Susie, I must agree with you that this is one of the hardest things that I ever did, but it is also one of the greatest, and most worthy causes I have ever fought for! I for one, am glad that it was painful and difficult. The emotional torment and paranoia that I experienced while going through withdrawal created a wall between alcohol and I. I know that if I ever choose to cross that wall, I will inevitably have to experience all of the pain and torment again. I recently heard a quote from a man that walked through alcohol addiction. He said "If you take the easy way out, your life will continue to get difficult. If you take the hard way out, your life will begin to get easier."
I want to see you win! I want to see you come out on the other side and live life to the fullest! I believe in you Susie, and so does everyone else on here. I will leave you with the lyrics to a song that really speaks to me when I am walking through a struggle.

Stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
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Unread 10-29-2013, 01:19 PM   #100
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Susie, I was thinking about you today. How are you doing?

Michael
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