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Unread 02-19-2015, 02:16 PM   #1
Ramala
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It's been a long journey of alcoholism in my life (the parts I remember anyway). I am tired of feeling guilty, ashamed, imbarresed and just plain hungover! I want to save my marriage and protect my children from the my intoxicated side. I just want to be happy and I know I will never achieve this with booze running through my veins.
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Unread 02-19-2015, 03:13 PM   #2
R. Lee
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Ramala, Welcome to the forum. Your in a good place if you want support from fellow alcoholics who have put the bottle down. All our stories are different but we have a common cause that is to not drink.

I work a program where I take it 1 day at a time. I made a pledge this morning upon waking up that I did not want to drink today. I know that before I drink alcohol I will think that thought through remembering what it was like to drink for 42 years.

Tell us more about yourself. No one should judge you so feel free to open up.

For now if you get the urge to drink just think through that 1st drink because that is the one that will get you drunk.
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Unread 02-19-2015, 03:20 PM   #3
lostdog
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Welcome Ramala, it is a good decision to quit drinking. Like R. Lee says, just one day at a time. When you get the urge, distract yourself. Also, seek face to face support for issues on why you drank in the first place. I think it will help, but is up to you of course. We can help you, just come and share your issues. There is no judgement here.
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Unread 02-19-2015, 04:37 PM   #4
Millie
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Welcome, Ramala. I'm new here too. These nice folks seem to have some good things to say, and I look forward to hearing (and saying) more.
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Unread 02-19-2015, 07:10 PM   #5
Ramala
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Default Here we go!

Thank you for all the positive feed back. I am so glad I have found a place to share and express myself about my concerns struggling with alcoholism.

I am 30 years old a wife and mother of 3 beautiful girls. I am currently a closet alcoholic. I have been an alcoholic for around 5-8 years (not including my pregnancies thank God). I was a bartender and that's what lit my fire.

Now I am bored and lonely I also use it to get a "break" from all the high demands of my care taking duties. I lost my mother to an ugly battle with cancer a few years back and she was my best friend. I don't think I've ever quite recovered from it.

I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 3 years he knows I have a problem but no idea to what extent. I have found ways to minimize the appearance of the amount I drink during a binge. I have a pretty high tolerance so I usually just look like I'm in an extra good mood. Although my black outs and irratic behaviour from time to time is starting to look suspicious.

I am normally a very honest person so all this sneaky alcohol stuff is really taking a tole on my emotions.
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Unread 02-20-2015, 10:08 AM   #6
Saint
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Ramala,

Welcome! I drank alcoholically until my mid 40's. I somehow managed to hold down a job. I told myself I would stop drinking when my daughter was born. It took me another 10 years to finally stop drinking. I am no longer married. I know only to well the shame I felt upon looking at myself in the mirror every morning. At several points in time I gave up all together. Just said the hell with it, why bother. My drinking was only getting worse over time. Finally I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and found my way here.

At some point in time we crossed that line where we can no longer drink socially. Alcohol is poison for us. We may drink to self medicate, because we are bored, anxious, depressed, because we feel we deserve it. We need to be sober to determine the root cause for our drinking. Bottom line we are alcoholics. That first drink will once again start the cycle over again and we will find ourselves circling the drain.

Learn about addiction, learn about yourself. Forgive yourself for the past, accept yourself for who you are and learn to love yourself once again. Sobriety is a process. We did not become alcoholics overnight nor should we expect to stay sober overnight. Think sobriety, make it the most important thing in your life. We move towards and become that which we think about. Think sobriety and we will find ways to stay sober.

Peace,
Saint
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Unread 02-20-2015, 11:46 AM   #7
lostdog
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Hi Ramala, You are opening up and expressing yourself. Sometimes we get bored and drink and forget all the ramification of it toward our family and the possible consequences. Have you looked into counseling for grief?, I am so sorry to hear of your mom's passing. I understand your closet drinking and I can support you as best as I can to remain sober.
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Unread 02-20-2015, 01:28 PM   #8
Tryntryagain
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Good evening Ramala. Bright blessings to you.

What a lovely human being you are.

So you are concientious, loving, full of shame that you top up with alcohol to keep it going?

(By the way welcome to this amazing family), wow, if ever there was another who wanted it so much i would be pleased to meet.

Saint has said the whole shebang, great post. This "guilt thing", ergo moods. I have the very same problem. So my way has always been, felt this?.....change it. I needed to, for some reason, have control over the way i felt. Alcohol will only tell you how "it" feels. Even if it is difficult to accept, i have to look at the evidence as to how alcohol has influenced my life. It is no longer a choice because it does away with you very quickly.

Self medication is often the way with alcohol and indeed drugs, and it can mask bits and bobs that need addressing, that, if the right intervention is found, positive pathways are there.

Ramala, you have my heart at your loss. I have just lost my best friend to cancer. The journey of cancer and what it does, i had never experienced, his loss, even more so. All i can do is to pass onto you that, Alcoholism, is as evasive and destructive.

You say you are "normally" an honest person. As your wonderfully open posts show, you are Ramala, all the way to your feet. Trust yourself.

Alcohol will not only deprive you of what you have worked so bloody hard for, it will take your life, just after it has taken who you are.

Loss as i am finding out is really quite a soulful experience. I have a very strange way of dealing with things now....( a tad weird), when i am doing things in a way i "kinda know" i shouldnt, i think of my loved one. They come into my thoughts whilst the world goes by. Gently they sit with me in my heart on very late buses!

This forum/family is a cracking place to find energy and motivation. When i came here i wanted solutions. I found by sharing, i learnt i have them, but goodness me.....a day at a time!

Welcome once again.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Ramala.
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Unread 02-20-2015, 10:45 PM   #9
jenm
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Welcome, Ramala!

I am very glad you found your way here. It is a lot of work to keep up the appearances of being "normal" when you are dying inside. I know because I have done exactly that in my life. You do not have to live like this anymore if you do not want to. There is a way out! I'm glad you are here. Keep sharing! Jenm
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