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Unread 02-05-2008, 11:09 AM   #1
Soldier
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Why is it that we feel guilty for the things that our partners do. I am happpy if they are in recovery, but why is it because they are in recovery that they think that they can get a free pass. Thursday she tells me all about how sorry she is for hurting me in the ways that she did. But on saturday she is telling me that I have to change. Only change I feel liking doing is running far away.... I supported her before and now after but I have to change....Please someone tell me what to do. [V]
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Unread 02-05-2008, 02:15 PM   #2
hollyrockartist
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hey - i'm so sorry that you are feeling so awful. i wish i could offer words of wisdom - you are MY rock!! i can't imagine her wanting you to change. you...you have been supportive, loving and so generously kind to her throughout this entire thing. YOU could have stopped believing in her, in y'all, yet you have weathered the storm because you KNOW she is a good person. i can't imagine what type of change she is expecting you to make for her. haven't you changed enough just dealing with her problem?

you hang in there!! you are a phenomenal man with scads to offer. this may be a phase or something - "i'll change if you change" type of thing. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!! it's all going to come out in the wash and she will realize what a special man she has!

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Unread 02-05-2008, 02:23 PM   #3
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Thanks, sometimes I wonder what the hell went wrong. Some days are good, some are bad. Today is bad. I appreciate you. Sometimes we also can hit bottom. Today I am tired. Days when I am tired I feel less myself. But enough about me. How are you doing? I was worried about you. I know it is tough. God thank you for this website. Sometimes I don't think that I could go with out. Hollyrockartist you have been great. Sometimes by giving to others we give to ourselves. I hope that people who look to the site write. Don't just read. Sometimes we do not know that we can make a difference to someone else. Remember that if you say something it is not taken personally. I hope, I love and I pray. Thanks. You really can make me feel better.
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Unread 02-05-2008, 05:02 PM   #4
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Soldier.....Hang tuff.....I think sometimes people say 'I wishyou would change',,,,,,,When what they really mean is ..The way we do some things may be better if not done at all or done differently.....Changes can be a positive thing if the alternative way of doing them is manageable for all.....I think the best way to talk about these types of things are at a time when there are 'no blocks' on each others shoulders, makes it easier to communicate that way instead of right after an act that has one or the other upset...........Good Luck..........
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Unread 02-05-2008, 06:08 PM   #5
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I hear the same thing about change. I think they want us to conform and let them drink or better yet, drink with them.

I love reading this site. It clears my head and makes me believe in myself again. What else I love is that I don't have to wait until the "next" meeting to talk if my day has gone bad. Even if it is my best day, the insight that I get from this site is awesome.

To everyone that posts, thank you so much for all your words of wisdom.
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Unread 02-05-2008, 07:15 PM   #6
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Soldier you don't have to change unless YOU think there is something about yourself that you would like to change. The problem with addicts even though they have been through rehab is that they still want to see what is wrong with everybody else that caused their problems.

She has to change. She has to work her program and deal with her own faults, poor decisions and destruction she has left behind. YOU don't have to do anything but take care of YOU. Don't get sucked into feeling like you have done anything wrong that requires change. All you ever did was love her and support her. Change belongs to her. Make her keep it there.
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Unread 02-06-2008, 12:59 AM   #7
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Soldier - thought about you tonight and said a little prayer before chowing down at the Episcopal church on some pancakes for Shrove Tuesday. I hope you are okay...

I have thought a lot about changing some of my habits (yeah, the chocolate thing!) because it seems to be a thorn in his side. However, it is not something that bothers me - I am happy with it for now. When I get sick of my own fat patoulie (as my son calls a behind!), I'll quit! Changing to make THEM happy should not be an issue, in my opinion. We walked this planet fine the way we were before they came into our lives. They are the ones with the serious problem. I think it is probably easy to point fingers saying I don't like this or that about you and you have to change. Also, I think that drinking seriously clouds them and maybe things about us that they overlooked because of the drunken fog are apparent to them when they are sober? Maybe? Shot in the dark here.

I'm just having a really hard time trying to rationalize why she'd expect you to change. What could bother her so much about you that it could be a deal breaker in a reconciliation? Y'all aren't living together, right? So whatever it is, she is NOT having to deal with it right now, right?

Mmmm, like beating my head against a wall. I hate this disease! It's awful, uncaring, unscrupulous and manipulative for all of those involved. Good heavens...

Okay, ranting...need to get back into the tele. Husband just sat down with us at the church for dinner and got paged. A couple of his warehouses got hit by tornadoes and there was severe damage. Children were freaking out, as we took corners on two wheels to get home ourselves! Husband said "take a xanex", as I freak out about the smallest of weather deals. I figure if I do that, I'll be in la-la land if something does happen! Need to check, tho, and make sure it isn't coming our direction.

Shoot over an email...I have it listed - let me know you are okay! Darkest before dawn, right??
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Unread 02-06-2008, 10:59 AM   #8
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It seems that you are doing better. I did email you. God bless. Take care of those kids. Sometimes they are the rock that anchors us to reality. They give love and they show us that somethings are not as important as we thought. I don't know if I should lay the law down or just give more time. I sometimes don't know what to do. Can someone tell what they think is best. I love her. I really do. I want to be with her. But I don't want things like they were either. I don't want to be the strong one any more. I am tired. I have broad shoulders but they are kind of drooping. I pray to God for strength every day.
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Unread 02-06-2008, 12:39 PM   #9
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Hi Soldier,

I find that usually my spouse says things to me with a TINY element of truth/fact in it, which makes ir really difficult for me to dismiss or let go. Do you think that is happening in your situation? It may help for you to have a counselor or a professional to talk with who can balance what your spouse is saying - especially if your spouse is saying these things while in recovery. I think all of us are willing to do what we can to make our loved ones successful in recovery, but just becuase they are in recovery - it doesn't mean their requests are on track or reasonable.

Your spouse needs to figure out a way to deal with life differently. Alcohol is not the answer. Your spouse can ask you to change, but guess what? There will ALWAYS be something that comes up - in our relationships, at work, wherever - THAT IS LIFE. It is all how we handle the challenges that makes us who we are and makes us enjoy the "easy times".

Hang in there, and really try to figure out if what your spouse is asking you to change is reasonable TO YOU. If a clean/neat house helps your spouse feel in control, that may be reaosnalbe to try to accomodate. If you spouse is asking you to change who you are? GET REAL! We all have our good points and our not so good points - the reason we stay with somebody is becuase we've decided their not so good points are things we can live with!!

Hang in there.
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Unread 02-06-2008, 01:14 PM   #10
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I agree with 14188, probably the best thing for you and your wife to do is talk to a therapist together. Sometimes you need an unbiased third party to help you interpret what's going on. Try and not be defensive. All partnerships need on-going compromise and work. Two people do not just mesh together without conflict. I know "all" the problems in my marriage are not caused by my husband's drinking. He has a right to have issues with things I say and do. What I know is, over the years, he has not addressed things about our marriage and me that bother him because then he will have to deal with his drinking. Its like "I won't bug you about your shortcomings and maybe you won't bug me about mine". Soldier, you and I and all the spouses/partners on this board have had to put up with a lot but that doesn't make us perfect. That doesn't take away their feelings. Yes I agree much of what they interpret is not valid due to the drunkedness but that is where a therapist will help. Get things clarified. Get everyone's position and needs and wants on the table and see if everyone can reach an agreement about what has to be done to save the relationship. I hope you have the strength to take these steps with her if that's what you want to do.
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Unread 02-06-2008, 02:03 PM   #11
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We tried the therapist. She felt it was not helping. I tried to work with her. She wants to see a therapist alone. She goes to her meetings everyday. sometimes twice a day. But sometimes I feel I am not getting the fair shake from this. I tried to get her to go but she refuses. She wants me to change. I don't know what she wants. She wants to me go to anger management. I don't need anger management. I know why I sometimes get angry. We are losing our house, because of her. but she blames me. I have bills up the butt, trying to get a handle on that. But again it is my fault. She has been physically sick for some time. she got hurt a work and her pay was cut by a 3rd. I work 70 hours a week, a worked upto 90 hours trying to save the house. So I do have things to angry about. I cook, I clean, I do the laundry because she can't because she hurt herself. When she needs me to be home I have to take off work right away. This is affecting my jobs. I am on warnings from both jobs. Everything I do is not good enough. I don't say I am perfect. I am not. But I am damn good. I don't feel that I am appreciated. I would love to sit on the couch and watch tv, never can. If I decide to take time out an play on the computer she gets angry with. But she will be on the computer all day and into the night playing her games on the computer. Pissed yeah I think I am. Hurt hell yeah. Feeling no self worth, yeah. I do what she wants me to do and it is not good enough. Well so far since we been seperated I have been doing things for me... I don't think she likes it.
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Unread 02-06-2008, 02:38 PM   #12
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Soldier I just looked back at your original post on this thread where you said, "someone tell me what to do". You are obviously an intelligent man so you know no one can tell you what to do in such an emotional personal situation. Seems to me, the separation from your wife was the first step in what you think you need to do. Perhaps like all of us you just want to be appreciated for all you do. The bottom line is this though, just like we cannot make decisions for the alcoholic and make them do what they do not want to..so goes it the other way. They cannot make us do what we do not want to do. Like Dr. Phil always says, 'if you are repeating a certain behaviour, then you must be getting some payback for it". Our life choices should be based on what we believe is the right thing to do. If we expect to be rewarded or recognized we will continually be disappointed. Everyday people do things that are not appreciated. It sounds like you are filled with resentment toward her. I get it. How much are we expected to take? But the bottom line is this...we choose to stay..we choose to do the things we think have to be done (like work 3 jobs)...no one can make us do these things if we don't want to.
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Unread 02-06-2008, 05:18 PM   #13
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I have to think about that one. It is nice to be appreciated. It is nice to be remembered for the things we do. I don't think that is too much to ask. Why do we have to be understanding of their problem. I do get frustrated. It seems that we have to understandind and be loving and supportive. You know some times I get sick of doing that. I think that there is no give and take. It seems that this disease is always about taking never giving. But I think I have to take now. I don't have to much to give any more.
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Unread 02-06-2008, 10:31 PM   #14
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Soldier that was /is one of the more frustrating things about being involved with an alcoholic......It seems to be always about them.....Yes the may say 'sorry that I am such a pain' which is usually followed by a 'but.......'........There is always an excuse always something or someone elses fault and we find ourselves always saying...."Your right Honey"...........We fall right into it just to try to keep the peace......S%$cks.....
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Unread 02-06-2008, 10:54 PM   #15
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It seems to me that you have done everything this side of a miracle to keep it together with and for her. I hate to hear that y'all are losing your house because of her addiction. It is sad to know, too, that you are overworked (probably underpaid, as well) and having to tolerate her short comings, deal with your children AND carry the financial side of it all....

I am stunned. You seem so down in the dumps - watch an episode of Fairly Odd Parents or Sponge Bob! Do something to give yourself a lift!! You need to focus on staying healthy yourself - if you get too run-down, you are going to catch the dreaded flu and then what good are you to anyone?

It's always great to know you are appreciated and not taken for granted but we all know all too well that it is rarely the case. My children don't even appreciate all I do and they certainly do not have an alcohol problem! About once a year (usually after tax time), I treat myself to something yummy - new piece of jewelry, new camera, etc.. Something that will let ME know that if nobody else appreciates the ten million things I do to keep this house running, at least I do! It's a little back patting thing, but hey, we deserve one, right? Treat yourself and the children to a meal out - if you have to eat ramen noodles the rest of the week, so be it! You need to get out of the funk and treat yourself in some way, size, shape or form!

Do your children play sports? Yeah, sounds off topic, but I found it's a great outlet (to watch them) for me. Plus, practices and games cut into drinking time, so it's a very good thing for us! If your children do play, ask your wife to get involved - team mother, statistician, something. It'd keep her mind focused on the big picture - FAMILY LIFE!! Mere suggestion...

I don't have any good words of wisdom for you hear except CHEER UP! Today is obviously a bad day - tomorrow will be better!!
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Unread 02-07-2008, 12:07 AM   #16
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Trying to find the balance of understanding that your loved one has a disease and is not fully responsible for what is happeing versus drawing a line in the sand about how much you are willing to take can change from day to day. This disease and what comes along with its not cut and dry. One day you may be better at accepting things then the other. It's confusing to say the least.

It's important to decide what matters most to you and what you AREN'T willing to bend on. Hold strong to those things and work others in as you can. That's the most you can ask of yourself. Some days will be better than others.

It very common to think they'll love you more if you make things easy for them but that's not the case, and I think deep down you know that. If they love you more, than they'll quit drinking, right? Wrong.

There are no easy answers to any of these situations, I'm afraid.

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Unread 02-07-2008, 11:07 AM   #17
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I hope so, I called her last night, again we had an arguement. We did leave off on a better note but I still don't know.I am trying. I know I have things that I do that are wrong. I know that I am not perfect. I try. I just wish things were better than they are. I will see how today goes, and pray for a good tomorrow. Sometimes It just gets so frustating. I want to cry sometimes. But men don't cry ( yeah right). I am not soft. I am a veteran and seen things I wish I never did, memories I wish i never had. But this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go thru. Go figure. I am not soft but sometimes......... Please say a pray or think of me sometimes. I know that sounds dumb but knowing people are thinking of me and praying for all of us does give me a little light.
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Unread 02-07-2008, 11:36 AM   #18
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Soldier,
I have not written to you before but I have been reading. Maybe you really should try to focus on just yourself. Yeah right how hard is that. That is so hard but I think it is good she wants to see a therapists by herself. Maybe you could do the same. Maybe if you focus on your goals you might be able to see things in a different light. I know that you don't want to let go but there comes a time when our strengh becomes our weakness.
I never wanted to let go of my marriage and I have not done so yet but I have been in couneling for 4 months and it has helped me see what I feel is important in life for my girls and myself. I would like those same things to be important to him also but they just are not. Our home is in jeaporady. Our utilities are off and on I have faced felony charges because of his illegal doings. I am glad to say the charges were all dismissed but I can't possibly continue to take the fall and clean up his messes. I am not sure if you read my forum but I had open-heart surgery and it is number one to try and keep myself healthy until my next surgery. I guess almost losing my life switched my focus to what my children need most.

I am not trying to simplify what you are feeling believe me I know all to well. I used to be angry at everything. I just want you to know that it is possible to regain your happiness. Everything over here is my fault also. I learned to say if that is what it takes for him to sleep at night so be it. But one day I realized I am not perfect but this is not all my fault. We react as individuals for certain reasons mainly to protect ourselves. I found myself becoming more angry with him and more physical. So I sought help and it slowly is helping. I hope this helps. Maybe you don't want to hear this but I am just glad you are talking. Hopefully you will keep in touch.
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Unread 02-07-2008, 02:23 PM   #19
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Thank you. I do appreciate that. Somedays it just gets crazy. I don't know what to do sometimes. Other times I have a clear head and see the right path and other times I am lost in a sand storm. You might be right I don't know. I know that I have issues. I am just tired. Sometimes I can deal with it and other times I have a hard time just getting out of bed. I see why people drink. God knows sometimes I would love to. I don't because I see what I could easily become. I seen my father who was an alcoholic and some of the things he did and know that I would never become that. I think that I need help. Sometimes my resolve fails. Other times I am really strong. I just hate this roller coaster ride. I would love more straight paths then hills.
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Unread 02-07-2008, 02:59 PM   #20
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That is funny you say you understand why people drink. I have often found myself saying that. I have also found myself resulting to that also. I know what happens and I know that it is not the answer. My girls are the ones who keep me going. Straight paths is what I pray for every day. Funny how the person with the alcoholism seems to just sail through life. Problems figure themselves out and what we think is a huge crisis (losing your home) does not carry the same weight for the person with the alcoholism. We are two different people. There are so many days I can't get of bed and I don't want to even think of doing anything. I just had one of those days. Once you get to a certain point those days can't hold you down anymore.
Gosh I make this sound so easy and damn I know how hard this is. I have had to stop talking so much with my family because I view my life now as a learning experience rather than a tragedy. My family just wants to pity me and that is negative energy that does not help me. Try to surround yourself with good things and people. My group of friends right now are total strangers. I have made in that respect a new life for myself. I am coming back to my family but it is on my terms. When you feel like you are slipping redirect your thoughts and push yourself to do something that you want to do. This could be anything.
God Bless
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Unread 02-07-2008, 05:47 PM   #21
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You know that is so true. I have opened up with people on this site that I would never even tell my closest friend. Isn't that wierd. What I love about this site is the annonymity. It is great. I can spill my guts but some people are too far away to slip on them, and I don't have to clean the mess. I sorry that you are having one of those times. But you are right. Take one day at time and your family is the way you want to deal with them, not what they expect of you but what you expect of you. Today did get a little better. I love to share my life on this site. It is funny it is amazing of great sharing with someone you don't know.
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Unread 02-08-2008, 12:52 AM   #22
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hey! figured you were a veteran - soldier and all. my husband is a vet, too. desert storm...i won't go into the place that he does his socializing (i'm sure you can imagine), but i cringe every time he says he is going there...there tonight, as it's thursday and he works the ever so fabulous B-I-N-G-O!!

it is strange how we feel so compelled to keep our traps shut around friends and family and yet we all sit here, sharing the deepest most profound moments of our lives with complete strangers. i adore it! i think it is the greatest thing since sliced bread myself!

you know, when i was in college (tried many and finished at a school for artists) i drank and drank and drank. there was not one morning for a solid year that i didn't take a big pull off of a bottle of jw wellers before i even put my feet on the floor to get out of bed. however, i didn't let it keep going. i partied and partied hard, but didn't let it consume me, or at least i didn't think so! what is funny to me is that i can have a glass of wine, or several, and not touch it again for months on end. why is that?

i'm glad today was better for you. weekend coming up - time off! yeah!!! it'll be great....take time for yourself, soldier! know you are in my thoughts daily!
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Unread 02-08-2008, 10:59 AM   #23
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Hello Hollyrock I glad you came on. It is good to hear from a friend. I know that sounds wierd, never met but on line. Today is good, we are talking. We did have a big arguement on wednesday but today we are talking nice. I hope it lasts. I love this site. I told my wife about it and she thinks I should go to alanon. With my schedule it is hard. I get my boy tonight for the weekend. He is 15 and having a tough time with this whole thing. I hope you are well. I tell her that there are so many people with all our problems. I love how I can talk to people and hear their advice and also help and give advice. I think this is so good that you can talk to someone and not have to be face to face. Sometimes being face to face can be intimidating. This is great.........
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Unread 02-08-2008, 11:46 AM   #24
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Enjoy your son! Have a good week-end! Flower
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Unread 02-08-2008, 12:26 PM   #25
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thanks flower. I will, it will be fun, Haven't seen him for 2 weeks. I will be great. I can't wait.
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Unread 02-08-2008, 01:52 PM   #26
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15 yr olds are a tough crowd. i taught that age group. i'm sure it's tough b/c he is probably torn - it has been my experience that boys are emotionally drawn to their mommas. i'm sure it's hard for him to see his momma behave the way she does and then not to see you for 2 wks...very hard.

i have a friend who, for most of his life, has been hard on the bottle, as well as other things. he mistakenly married this girl who turned out to be a crack addict. they had a son. he moved back and she stayed in her home state, keeping the son. he met someone else, had yet another child and that woman, too, wound up being strung out on something. now, he has custody of both children. one of those cases - lesser of two evils, i guess. however, in your case, you don't have the demons and could get custody, if it came to that. well, maybe not - since he is above 12, which is our age here, he could make his own decision.

see? it's one thing for us to have to go through this as adults...we suffer but are mentally apt to figure things out. the children are the ones who really take the brunt of it and damn it, it's not fair to them.

i emailed my husband the link to this site when i first found it. thought it could give him some insight into his problem. don't know if he did anything about it, though. i'd say no if i had to take a guess. it's my refuge!

alanon, i'm sure, is a great organization if you have the time to go to the meetings. in a town the size of our's, if we had one, it would NOT be anonymous i can tell ya. i'd much rather sit here in my jammies and key in my thoughts than to have to talk face to face with folks i know about this. bizarre...

y'all need to go to a movie or something this weekend! enjoy your son. do something for y'all!! i know you are going to have a grand time with him. make the most of it!

well, i guess i'd better get off of here and get ready for work. at least it's friday! flu has run rampant around here and my chest is icky - going to get some drugs today and hopefully knock it out!
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Unread 02-08-2008, 04:32 PM   #27
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I hope you feel better. My kids are funny. they know what is going on and are more understanding than you think. My wife had a friend from aa come over to help with some financial stuff, he does something with realty. A guy friend. My son was so upset. He kept giving the man the daggers. He said listen kid i am not out her to take your mother. He was upset that another guy (even though just a friend) was in my house when i wasn't there. But what the hey. I hope you are going well. I am looking forward. I am taking him out for some new england clams.... Can't wait. I would not fight for custody of the kids. For all her problems with drugs and booze she always has been a good mom. Just not neccessarily a good wife. But she is doing well and I am happy for her. And we are talking which is always good. We are not yelling and this seems to be ok. I work alot so it is hard to go to meetings. Up here all we have is pretty big towns. So anonimity is still there. I figure tomorrow. We will go to the movies. He likes watching videos and hanging out. He is really a good boy. He is a good looking kid and I am afraid that he keeps getting new girlfriends that I will end up a granpa too soon. But i know he is a good kid, but 15 is tough. All that stuff, but I am pretty open with him and we talk alot about that stuff. So if he was I think he would talk to me. So any way. I hope everyone out there has a great weekend. It is snowy up here and I am so tired of the snow. I my driveway had snow banks over 4 feet high. It has been melting but then he get the snow. So.......
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Unread 02-08-2008, 04:32 PM   #28
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I hope you feel better. My kids are funny. they know what is going on and are more understanding than you think. My wife had a friend from aa come over to help with some financial stuff, he does something with realty. A guy friend. My son was so upset. He kept giving the man the daggers. He said listen kid i am not out her to take your mother. He was upset that another guy (even though just a friend) was in my house when i wasn't there. But what the hey. I hope you are going well. I am looking forward. I am taking him out for some new england clams.... Can't wait. I would not fight for custody of the kids. For all her problems with drugs and booze she always has been a good mom. Just not neccessarily a good wife. But she is doing well and I am happy for her. And we are talking which is always good. We are not yelling and this seems to be ok. I work alot so it is hard to go to meetings. Up here all we have is pretty big towns. So anonimity is still there. I figure tomorrow. We will go to the movies. He likes watching videos and hanging out. He is really a good boy. He is a good looking kid and I am afraid that he keeps getting new girlfriends that I will end up a granpa too soon. But i know he is a good kid, but 15 is tough. All that stuff, but I am pretty open with him and we talk alot about that stuff. So if he was I think he would talk to me. So any way. I hope everyone out there has a great weekend. It is snowy up here and I am so tired of the snow. I my driveway had snow banks over 4 feet high. It has been melting but then he get the snow. So.......
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Unread 02-08-2008, 10:37 PM   #29
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send some snow down here! we haven't had squat...

i work with a girl who is 16 and just found out she is having a baby girl yesterday...it's hard and you can only hope you have done your best in raising them to know right from wrong and if that situation ever were to arise, they'd be careful. it all starts so early now!

eat some clams for me! lobster is my absolute fav, but i'd take clams, too! we moved up here from the gulf coast where we had seafood at least 4 nights a week. now, we rarely have it and it's sad!! so good and so good for you.

glad y'all are talking and not yelling at one another. i've listened to our children yelling back and forth and it seems at the end of the match, nothing has been accomplished. you just can't hear for the shouting of the other! guess that is what my husband and i sound like when we argue...thank goodness that hasn't happened since last week! he's doing really, really well and i'm proud of him. i haven't mentioned it to him b/c i don't want him to think i'm making a big deal out of it. i just think it's great that, for now, he is chosing his family over his addiction...

gotta run - need to unload stuff from the jeep and get girl scout cookies organized into who owes what...oh joy and rapture! enjoy your weekend with your son!
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Unread 02-08-2008, 10:37 PM   #30
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send some snow down here! we haven't had squat...

i work with a girl who is 16 and just found out she is having a baby girl yesterday...it's hard and you can only hope you have done your best in raising them to know right from wrong and if that situation ever were to arise, they'd be careful. it all starts so early now!

eat some clams for me! lobster is my absolute fav, but i'd take clams, too! we moved up here from the gulf coast where we had seafood at least 4 nights a week. now, we rarely have it and it's sad!! so good and so good for you.

glad y'all are talking and not yelling at one another. i've listened to our children yelling back and forth and it seems at the end of the match, nothing has been accomplished. you just can't hear for the shouting of the other! guess that is what my husband and i sound like when we argue...thank goodness that hasn't happened since last week! he's doing really, really well and i'm proud of him. i haven't mentioned it to him b/c i don't want him to think i'm making a big deal out of it. i just think it's great that, for now, he is chosing his family over his addiction...

gotta run - need to unload stuff from the jeep and get girl scout cookies organized into who owes what...oh joy and rapture! enjoy your weekend with your son!
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Unread 02-11-2008, 10:53 AM   #31
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I am glad those days are over. I hated girl scout cookie week. Had a good weekend. We did talk nice. So that is a start.
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Unread 02-11-2008, 10:56 AM   #32
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I am glad that you had a good weekend.

Kim
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Unread 02-11-2008, 12:57 PM   #33
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Thanks Kim, I hope things are going better for you. We hate this roller coaster ride. that we are on. I think that the hills get smaller and the valleys seem not has as deep. I just hope that it gets better and evens out more.
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Unread 02-12-2008, 12:04 AM   #34
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so glad to hear y'all's weekend went fine! our's was a good one, too. both children spent the night out friday so we went to momma's. so tired from the week (not feeling well and he had to deal with all the tornado damage) that we crashed as soon as we walked in the house. he got up first thing saturday morning and headed to the jewelers! he came home with the most amazing pandora bracelet - i was shocked! i think he realizes that he had been a total screw-up and is trying to make up for it. i'm like you - mountains to hills...
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Unread 02-12-2008, 10:58 AM   #35
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I am glad for you. I am so happy. Things work themselves out for us. It is just a matter of time. We do what we need to do. I know it gets better no matter what we think.
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Unread 02-19-2008, 11:29 AM   #36
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Tough weekend. She was her usual self. The first night was great, then the move came to the new house and it was frustrating. She got upset and disappeared for 6 hours while we were unpacking. She had to go to her sponsor. Then went food shopping. Left us with the mess. I don't know. I am staying away for awhile and I am not going to contact her. Her mother ticked me off saying how she had to do everything and that it was ok for her to disappear. She comes back telling me it is her house and all that crap. So I am dropping back and let her settle. See what happens. I just get so upset she treats me great one minute then in the next breath she is giving me the crap. Sometimes I just can't take. I don't know what to do.
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Unread 02-19-2008, 11:55 AM   #37
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Sorry your weekend didn't go well. I wish I unterstood what she was thinking. Maybe guilt? Stay strong.

Kim
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Unread 02-19-2008, 01:10 PM   #38
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Thanks kim. I feel sad today. I need to focus, but it is so hard. Maybe I need to give myself some space. I need space right now. I need to do some hard thinking. I don't want to but I think I need to. It doesn't seem to get any better. I need something. I don't know what. I feel lost today.
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Unread 02-19-2008, 01:32 PM   #39
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I am sorry. I am going back and forth between angry and hurt. I understand not knowing what to to. Rick is actually trying right now and I am not sure it enough. When I read your posts and my own as well as so many others here, I can't help but wonder when this became about the other people in our lives. Why aren't they (instead) trying to climb mountains to get back to us. Maybe I am the wrong person to talk today. I don't want to bring anyone down. It just makes me so upset that we are the ones still left needing something.
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Unread 02-19-2008, 03:54 PM   #40
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Going back and forth with your feelings is to be expected. I know when you have 'good days' and are feeling stronger, you think you have passed the hard stuff. Next thing you know it's like you are right back at the beginning.

Soldier, I don't know if it will help you, but perhaps you should read through this thread again and see what you have been through so far and where you are now. You have had good days and bad days so maybe it'll remind you that it's all day by day?? If you think it'll drag you down, don't do it, but just thought some reflection could help. We're all different.

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Unread 02-19-2008, 05:24 PM   #41
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It is difficult. Today..... I have to live one day at a time. Today sucks and i just have to suck it up and drive on. Nothing is going to change it. I will see what tomorrow brings. Sorry Kim. We don't know why it hurts us so much. Sometimes I wish they hurt as much as we do and they can see how they are hurting us. But they are either in denial or so deep in the program that we are nothing and the program is everything. Sometimes I get sick of hearing about the damn program. She tells other and sometimes I think that she listens to bad advice from others in the program. They telll her all kind of things. The problem is if she is not honest about what is going they may not be getting correct information. Kim I am sorrry. you don't need to hear my problems. You have it just as bad. I am sorry. I wish we didn't have to go thru this stuff. I am just tired of trying.....
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Unread 02-20-2008, 12:12 AM   #42
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I am with you that today is just not a good one. I did go to counseling which helped. Yesterday was horrible. Why do we have to go through this. What is the lesson? Don't you feel sometimes like you are the one with the problems? I mean I am the one changing and getting blamed for everything.

Tonight he is drunk again. My daughter says she can tell by the way he is acting. What a shame. I also found out my sis is going to jail again. She has 5 DUI's. Sometimes I wish alcohol was not in our existence. I get tired of hearing I am doing the best I can. I get tired of hearing the excuses and cleaning up the mess. I am not sure what to do anymore. I told him I was moving out but why should I be the one that has to uproot my girls to a new place. Why don't I fight for this? Why should I leave and not fight for this house. The only thing is that the house is three months past due. The government is taking any money being made because he owes them. URRRGGGGGG!

You are right. Tomorrow is another day. Keep your chin up and keep going.
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Unread 02-20-2008, 11:05 AM   #43
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You to I am tired of the mess. Why is it people are sympathetic to them but we are the jerks or the ones not trying. I don't know. I hear oh she is doing better. She is the same except she doesn't drink or drugging. But we have to help her. who the hell helps us?
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Unread 02-20-2008, 02:10 PM   #44
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It is a new day. How are you? I hope a little better. I am ok right now we will see the next hour brings. I am really very sorry that you (we all) are going thru this. As much as I hate to admit it. Everyday does get easier. I hope it is the same with you. I have never met such a caring man (really never met one)and you do not deserve to be treated badly. This is her loss. She needs to straighten up! I know you already know this. I just get angry that so many good people here and everywhere get dumped on. It seems like the meaner you are to people the better they treat you. What a world!!!!!! I am glad to be here and find a place that doesn't work like that. Stay strong, we need you! Kim
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Unread 02-20-2008, 03:06 PM   #45
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Thanks Kim. I feel the same. I can't understand how a man (i use that term loosely) can treat a loving woman this way. I know it is hard we all have issues. We all can be mean at one point or another. But some people take it to an art form. I love her but I am not going to be desperate.
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Unread 02-21-2008, 12:12 AM   #46
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Good! I hope your day went better!
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Unread 02-21-2008, 01:39 PM   #47
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Thanks. I am thinking clearly need to get that book and start reading. Need to do some shopping for myself. I need to do something for me. I need to get things going and keep moving forward.
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Unread 02-25-2008, 12:03 PM   #48
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Things are a little slow this weekend. Tired, miss her and the kids, felt a little down. Went out with my brother and a friend Karoakeing. It was good to get out. Still miss them though. Not sure what to think. But today is a new day
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Unread 02-25-2008, 10:18 PM   #49
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sorry you are down. I am glad that you got out, it is better than thinking about it all alone. I do that way too often. I wish I had the magic words to make you not hurt. Just know that you aren't alone.

Kim
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Unread 02-26-2008, 10:52 AM   #50
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Thanks. Sometimes it gets so frustrating, I hope you are well Kim. I think that we need to vent alot. LOL. I know that things will get better. I just wish that it would hurry up. I read some of the site and realize that I don't have it as bad as some of the poor people on this site. I know that I should count my blessings. I hope all is well with you. I have been looking for Holly on site but I don't see her. I hope everything is ok. I Hope you have a good day. And thanks for being there.
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