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Unread 11-12-2008, 12:41 PM   #1
idolcrush
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Default What is the process of an Alcoholic?

Hello,

I was just wondering what the process is for an alcoholic? I have recently left my boyfriend after discovering that he is abusing alcohol and pain medication. He has had a few bloody noses also and I was concerned that he might be doing other drugs. We have a one year old child together and he doesn't see him at this point. I think he will be trying to get some visitation in family court but at this point nothing has happened. I love my ex-boyfriend very much but I know that I can't trust him. He doesn't think he has a problem with alcohol and has recently posted a profile on match.com in which he says he doesn't drink. What a lie! Anyway, I haven't heard from him and he has ceased all financial support for his son. I think he is still battling his personal demons even though he is "looking for a relationship" and now that I've left him, I want to know a little more about what I can expect.

Any insight?
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Unread 11-12-2008, 08:36 PM   #2
jerryg
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Idol,

Welcome to the message board. You may find many individuals how are coping with similar issues. Feel free to read posts and offer you questions and comments.

Sad to hear about ex boyfriend. It is a shame he can't be a better father at this time.
And yet you know you can't have him around in the condition you describe.

I cannot tell you what to expect other than what you can see for yourself.
If continues to drink and not get help, well...

There will be much chaos and manipulation. And your care/concern/love for him may be his key to manipulation of most situations or interactions. And he will be incredibly inconsistent in almost every area. But I think you already know this.
If he is not supporting the child, that may sour his case for visitation rights.
Obviously your committed relationship with him is over, and his role as a father has been less than stellar. Do your best to keep the child safe. I don't get the impression you want to keep him from the child but you really can't trust him while in the state that he is in.



Here are a few places to start, check them out and by all means explore and read on your own.


http://www.alcoholanswers.org/alcoho...ence-abuse.cfm

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/alcoho...-questions.cfm

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/alcoho...-addiction.cfm

Welcome aboard.
I hope this helps,
Jerry
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Unread 11-13-2008, 05:01 PM   #3
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Hi Idolcrush,
Welcome to the forum,

I think you will find a lot of insight in the posts here as well as the educational info and links provided on this site.

As far as insight, well - he stopped financial payments for his child, that speaks volumes as to where he is, putting his needs before his child's needs. I hope if he does ask for visitation - you will make sure that your child is safe, if you truly know he has drug and alcohol issues - that is just my opinion. I am not saying he would deliberately do anything, but under the influence - you just do not know.

I am guessing you are baffled as to why he is trying to become involved in another relationship and lying about his alcohol use - that would be denial at work.

Since he is the father of your child, I hope that he will realize he has a problem and seek help, it is not just about him now, he has a responsibility. In the meantime, educate yourself about addiction, since he could be a part of your lives.
I hope this helps and that you can find some comfort among the other posts here. Take care : ) Carly
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Unread 11-14-2008, 02:05 PM   #4
idolcrush
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Default This is so hard

Thanks for your support. I have been reading the threads and find it to be comforting and educational because I see so many similarities and I know that I'm not alone in how I feel or what I have experienced. This relationship started two years ago and has been such a waking nightmare and until recently have finally understood his behavior for what it is... He left me when I was three months pregnant and didn't see his son until he was 5 months old (he's now 13months old). He seemed happy and we were going to work things out but after a few weeks he would disappear again (which was easy for him to do because he lived 3 hours away). Then I would try again to convince him that we love him and need him. This cycle happened numerous times, always with him abandoning us after a few weeks and me asking him to come back. He told me one night after he didn't answer his phone for a few days that sometimes he gets into a deep depression and can't get out of bed for a few days and that nothing helps him to snap out of it. He said he wanted to share this with me because he didn't want me to leave him but he didn't know what to do about it. I was proud of him for sharing this and of course I told him that we would get him some help and find a balance. I moved in with him a few weeks later and he began anti-depressant medication. At this point, I didn't know anything about his alcohol consumption. When I moved there, I smelled alcohol on his breath every night and noticed that a liter of alcohol in the cabinet (which he bought the first night I moved in) was being consumed very quickly. When the liter was empty, I still smelled the alcohol on him but didn't say anything. I looked in his backpack and found another liter of vodka that was half way empty. He drank two liters of vodka in one week and did it by putting it in his soda bottles. Then there was a bottle of prescription pain medicine that he always had on him, plus the bloody noses that I've witnessed. I didn't know if it was a problem because he was a happy drinker. Until the last night that I lived there. On that night he came home and was behaving very aggressively. Every other sentence had a bad word at the end of it. But he was playing off his attitude like he was just joking around. But he continued to be very aggressive and I'll leave the details out but I became very uncomfortable and we got into an argument. It was weird because he was so angry and couldn't control his yelling (and my poor baby didn't know what to think). My boyfriend was awake because his eyes were open but "He" wasn't there anymore. It was like he was being controlled by his unconscious mind and was transferring all his anger onto me. When I mentioned the alcohol he got even angrier. He couldn't believe that I looked in his backpack and said, among other things, that I was controlling and manipulating him and that he didn't need a mother. I have no doubt that he has been abusing alcohol and possibly drugs. And for that, I will absolutely keep him from our son until he gets professional help. But you are right, I just don't get how he could be pursuing another relationship so soon. Does he really think he's going to find someone better than me and live happily ever after? He denies having a son on match.com and denies that he drinks in his profile. He also says he wants two kids and is looking for a woman who doesn't have any. Then he starts his profile off by saying, "I've had bad luck with dating in the past." Like, really?...that's what I am to him?..Bad luck? I hope the energy he's spending lying to himself consumes him and causes him to hit bottom. How else is he going to realize that he has screwed up his life and seek help? I have given him a beautiful son, have been patient, loving and supportive even though he has been so terrible to us. It is a huge slap in the face and I am humiliated. I'm trying to move on and haven't contacted him, even though I couldn't pay my rent this month and have no money left and just finally got another job (after moving out and back to my home town). I struggle every day with my anger, resentment, humiliation and love for this man. And he could care less. This is so hard. =(

Last edited by idolcrush; 11-14-2008 at 02:31 PM..
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Unread 11-14-2008, 04:00 PM   #5
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idolcrush-

I just finished reading your last post and I'm sorry for what you are going through.. All the hopes you have for a happy life with a new baby and the man you love. It is hard, you are so right. While reading this, I really felt that by his behavior that he is definitely on something. You said that his eyes were open but it wasn't really him. I am no expert, but possibly, if he is on anti-depressants and drinking, that the two are creating a negative reaction in him. That could be one possibility.
If my advice means anything, I would write him off completely - I know how this will hurt you and be hard. but he is NOT your husband and do you really want him to be? The signs are there - he doesn't want to be a father or a husband and thank God you are not married to the man. Your child is still small and will not remember him and I know how sad that sounds - I'm sorry! From my perspective - and I'm married to an alcoholic and have three children- I'd get out now. You are not in any way obligated to him, nor do you owe him anything. Please get out while you can. If your boyfriend really want this relationship to work, he will pursue you. You will then be able to set some rules. For example, he will not be allowed in your life until and unless he gets sober and shows you that he is cleaning up his life. Until he does that, he is no good to you or your baby. Good luck to you and I hope I didn't sound too harsh. Believe it or not, I'm jealous of you because you aren't married and can still get out of this mess. Keep us posted.

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Unread 11-14-2008, 04:37 PM   #6
idolcrush
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Thank you Fiedler for your post. I agree with what you are saying completely. This situation has been such a disaster and I feel sick about it. I don't understand how someone could be so underhanded and dirty and lie and not take any responsibility for the craziness they've created. I still think to myself, how could he do this? My mind tries to understand and is searching for reasons while my heart is so broken. I'm going to move on and I'm headed in the right direction but I just feel so dirty from it all. It's funny that you said you are jealous because I'm not married to the guy. I read a thread earlier and felt jealous because her alcoholic boyfriend keeps coming back and mine doesn't. I hope some day he is sorry for putting us through this. But I know that is out of my control. Over time, I should start to feel better, but as of now, I don't.

Last edited by idolcrush; 11-14-2008 at 04:53 PM..
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Unread 11-15-2008, 01:38 AM   #7
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idolcrush,

I want to say the sadness and disappointment in your post is deep. I offer my sympathies. Trying to find reason or meaning in alcoholic behavior is mostly a waste of energy. His pain and depression are real, and demands compassion and care. But the chaos introduced by the chemical makes it impossible for loved ones to extend a helping hand.

It would seem your care is genuine. It is unfortunate it could not affect change in your boyfriend's behavior. As hard as it may be get move on, extend the caring energy towards yourself and your baby.

Peace,
Jerry
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Unread 11-16-2008, 09:39 PM   #8
idolcrush
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Dear Jerry and others,

Walking away from someone you love who is hurting seems counter-intuitive to me. I am involved and I want to help. I really do understand though that he needs to want it for himself... It is out of my hands. I hope he sees the light at the end of the tunnel someday and doesn't give up because he feels all has been lost. He was always surprised to find that I still loved him any time we began communication again. How awful it would be if he interpreted my no longer reaching out to him as me no longer loving him.
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Unread 11-17-2008, 09:27 AM   #9
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idolcrush-

He doesn't have to see your not reaching out to him as a sign you don't love him. The next time you talk to him while he is sober, then that's when you let him know what your plan is. Tell him how much you love him but that his behavior is killing your relationship - not only his and yours, but his with his child. Explain that you can't be together until he helps himself. Let him know that you will support him when he starts getting help for himself. You can't control how he feels about what your plans are, so don't let that stop you. Good luck and keep us posted.

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Unread 11-17-2008, 11:04 AM   #10
idolcrush
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After I wrote that last post I thought of how pathetic I feel still holding on to my love for a man who clearly doesn't love me. I will move past this. I doubt he will contact me for forgiveness or to get back together. If he does, I will be prepared to do exactly what I am suppose to do, which is maintain the boundary that he needs to seek professional help and recovery. This situation is now black and white..there is no creative space. I'm hoping I get bored with it soon and start making bigger strides away from it.. =)
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Unread 11-17-2008, 01:25 PM   #11
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idolcrush,

Feelings are not always easy. We all can see that. The love we feel should be exactly what it is, and we should be grateful we have such feelings. But it how we express love that is tricky. Sometimes we find love where we cannot express it in safety. And there is where we find ourselves making painful decisions in spite of the feelings.
This is where we are best served by honesty. You will get past this experience I'm sure, and in due time. Be gentle with yourself.

All the best, Jerry
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 11-21-2008, 01:01 PM   #12
idolcrush
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So, it's been a month since I've moved out of the apartment where I lived blissfully with my boyfriend and our son for one week. Every day has carried the weight of what's happened and I discovered yesterday that the stress from it all has made me anemic. I'm doing alright besides that. I just can't get this man's actions out of my mind. I haven't had a moments peace from it since I've left and am realizing the toll it's taking on me and I am thinking that it's time to start focusing on forgiving him. I don't even know where to start though. Maybe I should write a list.. =)

I'm starting an online paralegal program in a couple of weeks and am excited about that. Also, I found out that unemployment benefits were extended 13 more weeks, so that buys me a little more time to wait for child support to be established and enforced. I'll be working part time at a salon (I'm a cosmetologist) and that will be good also. All is going well for the future, I just want some peace and freedom from all the past and present hurt. I'm thinking forgiveness is a good place to start. **sigh**
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Unread 11-28-2008, 02:54 AM   #13
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Hi IdolCrush -

Good for you making plans for yourself, please take care of yourself physically as well with the anemia. I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving and you are feeling better : ) Take Care, Carly
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Unread 11-29-2008, 12:52 PM   #14
idolcrush
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Hi Carly,

Things are moving along every day and I'm feeling less weighted by the situation with my ex. I read the thread in this forum titled "Perspective" and found it to be so right on. I also read, "Aloholism: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial." I thought it was really insightful as well. Then I read, "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle last week and that book is what really relieved my tension and lightened my load. I recommend it to everyone!

I was checking in to match.com to see if my A-ex was still on it and any time I would see his profile on there, I would think all sorts of negative thoughts about him, like "What a jerk" to say the least.. But then I realized that we are all connected energetically and my sending out these thoughts are no doubt adding to the collective unconsciousness of our humanity. I want to be a reflection of love, peace, creative possibility, and healing presence. So I let go of that negativity for all our sake.

I haven't heard from him and am still not receiving support but if anyone is interested, I'll send a post to update if anything changes.

Warmest thoughts and wishes!!
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Unread 11-29-2008, 01:04 PM   #15
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idolcrush,

Letting go is one of the hardest thing's to do! I had to do this with a Family Member.
The disruption in my life became to much.
You have a child to think about now, put your energy there!
He probally will try to manipulate you with your feeling's, but you have to stay strong.
Think about it, you Break-Up and he goes and put's up an Ad! Pretty sad on his part , but please be very wary, he may be doing this to get a reaction out of you.
Don't give him one.
I know alot of people in the Court system's and the fact that he is not paying child support(that alway's really bug's me), the Judge will look at that. And also his abuse of alcohol or drug's or both. Please bring them up at a hearing , the Judge does want to know everything!!
I know this is easier said than done, but you have to think of you and your child.
If it was just you, then it would be up to you, but now you have someone relying on you.
Please keep coming to this site, even just to VENT!
You will find that alot of us have been in similar situation's !
This site is confidental and we don't judge, we just give you some idea's and it is up to you, to do what you will with the information!
Just think if he is lying on this site, he will be found out very quickly, they can only be charming for so long, and then the real person come's out!

I Wish You Luck,
Casey
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Unread 11-29-2008, 02:24 PM   #16
idolcrush
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Hi Casey!

I do love this site, it has helped a lot! Letting go really is so hard. My mom is an alcoholic and I had to let go of her after years and YEARS of abuse and dysfunction. I don't talk to her anymore and I don't feel attached to it anymore. People always look at me a little weird when I explain that I don't talk to my mom but not because I'm mad at her. I just dealt with so much and I don't want to be around her. I've just moved on. As far as my ex goes, he's a lawyer and I have the feeling that he won't want to go to court because he knows I'm going to reveal truths about him in a court of law. He won't want that! He doesn't even want to see the truth himself. And you're so right!!..I've thought about his denial and if he gets into another relationship, he wouldn't be able to keep up the lies about himself or his life for long. I met him on the dating website two years ago and he was sweet and wonderful for about 4 weeks and from there on out it's been nothing but chaos. I've spent the last couple of years trying to understand it as it was happening and nothing made sense until I discovered that he is an addict who doesn't want help. What a revelation!! Now I can deal. My leaving didn't change my mom's addiction but I hope that it will affect my ex enough to seek recovery. But I will not put my life on hold or wait any longer for our 'happily ever after'. Letting go of lost dreams opens up space for new experiences and relationships and life will flow once again. And I genuinely want that for all of us; to feel the growth and awakenig of a new reality.
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Unread 11-29-2008, 10:55 PM   #17
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Hi Idolcrush,

I am sorry to learn about what you went through with your Mother, that must have been extremely difficult. Did she ever get help ?

I had written out a long post and the post moster ate it - drat anyway what I wanted to say is that it sounds like you have a solid plan for building a life for you and your son. I will also add that if your ex is looking to date- it is most likely - imo- that he is looking for an enabler, as the only true relationship he has in his life right now are the substances. You or any other person cannot ever compete with them, they win hands down - unless he breaks through his denial and gets help.

Casey brought up a good point about the child support issue- I know it varies by state, but example - here they take it very seriously and he may just have to get help in order to keep down a job in order to court ordered child support, that may be his wake up call. In our state they start by taking away driver's liscense ( only use for work ) then jail time.

It is sad that he is missing out on all of the wonderful moments that you are able to cherish with your son; the first words, steps, the smiles, his laugh, and coos , treasure these times as they grow up so fast ! I blinked and mine will soon be 6 years old !

Yes, Eckhart Tolle - I started reading one of the 2 books someone gave me. They really helped a friend of mine who was going through something like yours - letting go of the father of her child as he is still in active addiction. She is doing well and I hope the same for you too.
I copied and pasted a reply by a member here who went through what you are dealing with, maybe it will help to know she made it "to the other side" as she put it.
Hang in there and take care of you and that beautiful baby : ) Carly
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by Luvmer...
Mo,
As a person who has been there . . . let me just start by saying your MIL is not his wife. She has no idea what you are dealing with and have been dealing with despite even what you may have shared with her- no one really does that has not been in your shoes. In my dealings with my now ex husband, I had some of those same sorts of experiences with family members- of his and my own even. It is tough. You in the end though must be true to yourself. As far as a time line, you may be ready to begin creating one. For yourself. How much more are you willing to take?

I am not in your situation, but can tell you what I did in mine. I had reached my wits end (to say the least) but also did not want to end things without giving opportunity for him to get help. I made a plan- with the help of some professional input- and people like you will encounter on this web site. The plan included a time line. Part of the reason for that was that talking had not gotten me anywhere for years before without a difinitive plan for action. It was the first time that he took me seriously in many ways. Doing this also was healthy for me because I knew that one way or another there was an end in sight- either by him getting help or me choosing that my time as his enabler was over. I'm not saying it was easy, but I gave him a time line with a list of resources. In the end he was not on board. That does not mean that will be the same result for you. It could have gone the other way.

I want to reemphasize that this is in no way your fault- you need to consider your own limitations and at some point we have to draw a line in the sand.
I wish you all the very best. My heart truly goes out to you as I know the limbo that you feel right now. I never thought that I could be ok on the other side, and I am not saying every step has been easy (at times I worked three jobs and slept little- but the peace was worth it all)! As for me I thank God that I did not sacrifice myself and my child to alcohol and drugs every day!
My thoughts and prayers are with you . . . be strong . . . continue to seek out support . . .
Mer
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.

Last edited by CarlyO; 11-29-2008 at 10:58 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Unread 11-30-2008, 12:10 AM   #18
idolcrush
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Hey Carly,

That's a bummer about the original draft being eaten! Thanks for taking the time to help though! I sometimes have this attitude that I can overcome anything and may come across like I have it figured out but any time I read these posts, I am so grateful for them because they are so supportive and enlightening. I can't beat this on my own, just like my ex can't either. It makes me sick to think of him getting involved with an enabler, which is exactly what my mom encountered. She's with a man who is significantly older than she is but who has had a positive impact on her life (so I've heard). I don't know if she's still drinking or not but it doesn't change how I feel about having a relationship with her. It really was a terrible experience growing up as her oldest daughter and though I have great compassion for her own pain and suffering, I am content with having let her go. She may not be drinking but her conditioned behaviors are still there and I'm better off w/out.

I like the idea about setting a timeline. I wonder everyday if he will contact me and every day that goes by, I mourn our loss. I haven't contacted him but I'm wondering if a timeline is a good idea to create. He doesn't like ultimatums so I don't know how well he would respond to one. There is only one condition that would open up any possibility on my end and that is if he seeks help. It's scary though, he really is an emotional mess! I would need your all's advice. What do you think?
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Unread 11-30-2008, 01:13 AM   #19
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Oh my goodness!! I couldn't even sit with that last post for very long. I can't imagine opening the door again to my ex because I can't trust his motives. I don't want him to hurt us. I can't imagine starting the mourning process over again if it doesn't work. I would rather go on with things and if he comes to me some day then I'll be ready. He took his profile down from match.com so maybe he found someone. I'm always the one to try and fix things with us. I want him to find it within himself to try.

Sorry Carly, this is such a mess.
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Unread 11-30-2008, 03:47 PM   #20
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Hi Idolcrush - I think luvmer was referring to the time when her Ex was actually in her life and how she finally made the decision to give him The Ultimatum - get help or Leave - that is what she meant by timeline, in the end he chose to leave.
I was just sharing her post as she has made a new life for herself /child as many people have or in the process of and that she said she has peace in her life now. I was not suggesting you open a door that he has closed, he has to be the one to get help and I would think it is YOUR choice if he did get help on the terms of any involvement he would have.

I have been on both sides of addiction - I have been in recovery and have also had family and friends who have dealt with their own addiction issues. I shared parts of my story on the other forum - (help for people dealing addiction). I can tell you for me - I had to lose everyone, my family had to use the tough love approach, before I got help.My Mother was active in Al Anon and learned not to be my enabler as I was basically killing myself. The day I was not allowed to attend my nephews b-day party was brutal, but that hurt so much, I started waking up. It was not an easy road,there have been a few set backs in my life, but thanks to medication , a foundation in AA and counseling I have a good life now. I have come a long way, in 13 years I have gotten married, had a child. I have worked as a social worker and my own experiences have helped me help others. That is why I believe there is always Hope, sure you need to live your life, you have to deal with the present , your reality but my hope for your son is that one day he will know a healthy Father.
Some days I really Hate this disease and the destruction it leaves in its path, it has an effect on everyone. I used to truly believe I was not hurting anyone, but I was hurting my family, friends. I was in destructive realtionships, I was a mess. I still have their letters that they wrote me when I was getting help, I keep them as a reminder of how awful it was.

My friend - did see her EX on Match .com too ! It was kind of sick, but he is a sick man, we talked about how he was just looking for someone to take care of him - financial and otherwise, that is why I posted that about your ex - looking for a "relationship'. I know it is difficult, but if it upsets you - do not look at the site, just remember , he is very sick, he could be a charmer at first, but if he is mess then most women will stay away from him.

I just wanted to let you know that there are many people out there who have made it to the other side, living happy , healthy lives, in healthy relationships. You sound like you have a lot to give, do not ever settle for less. I know it hurts now, you are mourning the loss of those dreams you had, keep venting, maybe see a counselor , go to Al Anon , and give time, time to work.
I hope this helps - I did not mean to confuse you by that post, I think you are doing an incredible job, keep moving forward and take care of
yourself: ) Carly
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Unread 11-30-2008, 05:35 PM   #21
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Wow Carly, you are an amazing woman! I'm so glad that you have gone through the recovery process and have learned so much and are now sharing your insight and helping others too!! I've known a few recovered A's and I think they are incredible people, having descended to the bottom, they made their way out. They're different from other people who haven't known deep suffering; more refined it seems; strong yet compassionate...and very wise.

I did misunderstand the concept of 'setting a timeline' but in doing so I realized something. There is no way I want to subject myself or our son to this man's abuse anymore!! I imagined typing a 'timeline letter' to him last night and I just thought, NO WAY!! HA, I think I'm over it!! =D I hope someday he gets help and over time becomes a healthy person and then and ONLY then will he be allowed back. I'm sad about it but know now that there is no turning back like I did time and time again.

You rock Carly!!
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Unread 12-02-2008, 10:08 PM   #22
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Hi Idolcrush -
Thanks for the kind words and I am glad that something positive came out of the timeline confusion - that you are adamant about not subjecting your son to to your Ex and you feel "over it " !
He has to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and want help. I have had family members who I just wanted to shake some sense into, begged, pleaded and even gave them money knowing that was enabling, but I am glad to say they got help and are doing well. They had to hit their own rock bottom.
Anyway, glad you are sharing on the forum, you have a lot to offer yourself ! Hope you and your sweet baby are doing well, take care, Carly
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Unread 12-10-2008, 12:11 AM   #23
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Default just a little note to all

if you think things are greener on the other side-DON'T FORGET YOUR BUSH-HOG!!!!!
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Unread 12-23-2008, 10:49 AM   #24
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Default My Christmas Miracle

Hi,

I'm needing a little bit of help. Last night my ex texted me and said he has a problem with alcohol, that it's become a habit and he wants to quit. He said he drinks to help him sleep and to relieve stress but that it's gotten out of hand. He asked me to ask my doctor friend to prescribe him something that will help so that he doesn't need the alcohol.

I told him that I would talk to my doctor friend and get back to him. I also told him that it was a big first step he just took by admitting he has a problem and asking for help and that I am very proud of him. Since I left him in October, we have not discussed the addiction. When I initiated discussion last week, I said we need counseling and planned on talking about it then because I was afraid he would still be in denial. So you all could imagine my excitement that he just came to me with it.

I'm not sure how to proceed from here. I don't want my ex to trade alcohol for anxiety/sleeping pills because of the addictive nature of his personality. He said he has started running again and that it has helped. He also will be seeing a therapist by the end of January (if he follows through). I really want him to get the support he needs, so any advice would help.

Thanks so much!!
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Unread 12-28-2008, 12:35 AM   #25
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Default still bambuzzled

I pray everyone made it thru christmas w/o alot of agony.
things here are ok. He still hasn't drank, and now thinks that the whole after the holidays, we were going to check into some type of help, is just a better joke that he's heard. Makes me regret not doing it right when needed 2 -3 weeks ago, but his family decided that it would make his other issues worse not being here. Not totally my choice, but I should have just done it. I'm not pushing it, If he doesn't get help, I'm gone. Our girl is old enough to decide who she wants to live with. we're pretty much in decided but it'll have to go thru the courts. Please everyone have a safe and sober new year!!! I'll be home just like always, lucky if I can make it to see the ball drop!!!LOL
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Unread 12-28-2008, 12:46 AM   #26
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hey Idolcrush, very happy for your ex. keep up the encouragement. Rather he takes the "way to go" to heart and really does go thru w/it , he'll need someone that knows him for support. Just watch out for the love thing if you're not wanting that. But everyone needs someone, but you'll become supseptive to his cries and take it and possibly get hurt again.( drinking or not)been in it for 16 years doing it for the kid. ( so i thought)getting harder everyday. mines on all types of meds that help him get through the day Ativan. and a sleeping pill, but he doesn't use it every night. He does have other health issues that require other meds also. best of luck to ya
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Unread 12-28-2008, 01:26 AM   #27
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Hi Idolcrush,

Just wondering how you've been holding up.

As for this newest situation, I'm just wondering why your ex wants you to go to your doctor friend. Does he not have a doctor of his own, or could he not go to a walk-in clinic? I don't want to dash your hopes or give you more to worry about, but it seems like by asking you to get meds for him, he's not making the move he needs to and he's putting the onus on you.

I mention this because this is one of the things I was faced with my ex: asking me to take charge of things, and then of course when they didn't work out, who was to blame?

Like I said, I don't want to dash your hopes because he HAS made a good first step in announcing his intention to quit. But I also don't like that he's put you in this position.

I wish there was an easy answer.

Take care and keep us posted
gf67
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Unread 12-28-2008, 12:47 PM   #28
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Girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend...

You bring up a very good point. It was a shady request at first because he stated that he has a drinking problem and that it started because of stress and lack of sleep. Then he said, could you have your friend prescribe me some Xanax and (one other but I forget the name). The next morning my doctor friend said he would call my ex and when I told him that the doc was going to call, he said, 'That's embarassing.' I was a little annoyed because I didn't know for sure if he was just trying to get more pills or if he really wanted to stop his addictions. I am not the middle man or the 'go to' if he wants pills, and judging by his statement, he expected that I was.

I don't know what was discussed because of confidentiality but it's my guess that he's continuing his anti-depressant pills and is weaning himself off the alcohol. He is also going to start counseling Jan. 6 (if he follows through). As you all already know, A's lie, lie, lie.

Strange thing though. After he got off the phone with my doc friend he texted me and was VERY concerned that my doctor friend keeps confidentiality from me. He wanted to make sure that whatever was discussed would not reach my ears. I confirmed this was true and stated, 'but I wish you would confide in me'. Then last night he got really upset (in a text message again). He mentioned that he was angry because I told my doc friend about the bloody noses that I've witnessed and my concern about 'other' drug use. I told him that I didn't think he would tell me the truth about it if I asked because maybe he feels fear or shame or doesn't want help or anyone to know. Then I said, 'Would you tell me if I asked?' He barked back: There is nothing to tell. I am not and have never been a coke user PERIOD. And he was mad that that conclusion was deduced. So I simply said, 'Then there is nothing to defend. My bad.' He didn't text me for the rest of the night.

I was really bothered by his reaction last night. He's been sitting with this information (that I was worried about the bloody noses) since last Tuesday (5 days ago) and has acted pretty normal (well what's normal for him), then all of a sudden he lashes out about it. Not only do I NOT believe him (based on his reaction) but I didn't appreciate the way he 'yelled' at me in a text message. It's not necessary and it's abusive. I don't want to live like this; never knowing when he's going to lash out about something. I love him but his edges are so sharp. When he gets mad, he makes sure that we feel it.

He said he wants to visit before the New Year but honestly, I don't think it's a good idea. I think he needs to do a lot of work on his recovery and counseling before he sees us. At this point, I don't believe he's done much to change anything. I mean, the man can't even have a conversation with me over the phone; it's all through text messaging! What the h*ll is that?!! I feel like I'm in high school. Is avoidance a common communication trait amongst addicts? He says he's too 'anxious' to talk over the phone with me.

So Girlfriend, I don't like that he's asked me to take charge this way either. He's obviously still very weak and I am doing okay with maintaining a hands off approach. I got him the counseling resources, the doctor, the anti-depressants, and I'm not forcing him to admit anything, nor am I confrontational about his behavior, the past, or his drug/alcohol abuse. I think he will start to feel the ball in his court as it rubs against his foot and only time will tell what he does with it.

Thanks Girlfriend, for reminding me that A's do ask a lot of their partners and require, without us realizing it, to 'take charge'. I really appreciate your insight and it helps to have your support. I haven't heard from the moderators in a while which is surprising to me. It feels like it's just us on this site sometimes. I can certainly handle this on my own; still it's nice to have a place to go to.

Thanks again!
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Unread 12-28-2008, 02:32 PM   #29
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Hey Idolcrush,

Glad to be of help...sometimes we need to be reminded of what we already know, so I'm glad to return the favour

This is a rough time of year for us anyway, but additionally so because the supports we rely on have extra family obligations during the holidays. I'm sure the moderators are reading though, and when they can, they'll write.

Oh boy - avoidance was my ex's main weapon. Whether it's the addiction or the psych issues, I couldn't say, but every disappointment came in the form of an e-mail. It meant that he didn't have to look me in the eye, or hear the disappointment in my voice. For me, it felt like I was being silenced and put on hold - a manipulation tactic. If I reacted, he'd be either relieved ("I was waiting for you hoping you'd call/show up...I was afraid to call you") or upset ("I didn't want you to call/show up"). If I didn't react, he'd start to panic that I was dumping him and then hold that grudge. Truly a no-win situation. And since he hasn't replaced his cell phone since he lost his job in July (the only phone access has been his parents' landline) it seemed pretty clear that he was determined to control communications between us.

So yeah, I think the avoidance thing is pretty standard. So is the "walking on eggshells" result.

As for your ex's response...it's a combination of shame, of powerlessness (and reacting to it), and of not being ready to take responsibility (and deflecting it). He wants help, but he's trying to control that help by choosing who helps him, what he discloses, etc. He's scared of the hard work ahead and that he'll have to relinquish that control to get better. He's afraid to fail so he puts the onus (and the lashing out) on you.

And like I said before, it's a good sign that he wants to get help. That's the first step, but the next one (as you know) is that he commits to it. Actions speak louder than words (or text messages), and as you said, the ball is in his court. I applaud your efforts, Idol - I hope that I can do the same if my ex gets to that point (no more on that here, though...that's a topic for my own thread - LoL!).

Keep strong and keep us posted!
gf67
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Unread 12-28-2008, 03:14 PM   #30
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Gf67,

I don't know how much longer I can do this. It was a big first step he took by admitting his alcohol consumption has turned 'into a habit'. He said he hates it. I know his behaviors come from whatever psychological illness(es) he has. Addiction is a sticky, sticky web and I've been trying my best to get through it. I think I may have to draw the line again so that he gets it. I am not willing to allow him in our lives if he's under the influence of alcohol or drugs. As of now, I believe he's still drinking, otherwise he would mention 'not drinking' in his texts. Also, I'm still not receiving any financial support from him. I'll have to bring it up if he doesn't come through soon.

As of right now, I'm standing back and waiting for his next move. I'm prepared to move on without him. I just hope he has another breakthrough soon. We'll see.
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Unread 12-28-2008, 03:55 PM   #31
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Idol,

Quote:
I don't know how much longer I can do this.
That's okay. No one expects you to know - or to keep doing it if there's no improvement. The onus is on him to get help and commit to it. The onus is on you to take care of yourself and your son. Hopefully your responsibilities to yourselves will find a common ground, but if not, do not take the burden of his choices on yourself.

Quote:
As of right now, I'm standing back and waiting for his next move. I'm prepared to move on without him. I just hope he has another breakthrough soon.
Maybe I'm reading this too literally, but "waiting" seems to be what's causing a lot of additional angst. Perhaps you need to free yourself from the burden of waiting ("Let Go and Let God" as they say in Al-Anon) and the expectations that we subconsciously impose (on ourselves) when we wait. Give yourself permission not to wait. You deserve that peace of mind. It's not giving up hope - it's just giving yourself a break.

And no matter what you can or can't do, we're here for you and we support you!

gf67

Last edited by girlfriend67; 12-28-2008 at 03:57 PM.. Reason: grammar and clarity
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Unread 12-28-2008, 03:57 PM   #32
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Gf67,

I just reread your last post to me and I have to say that you are very insightful and intelligent. You have a great way of making sense out of things and you're so thorough. My brain feels like mush!! I'm having a hard time concentrating lately and I'm really losing steam here. So thank you so much!
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Unread 12-28-2008, 04:03 PM   #33
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I like that (your last post). I've said that before in past relationships ('I'm not going to wait for you') and it was so liberating. You picked up on something I didn't see. I have been putting my life on hold in a way. I have school and work and family but the thought of 'him' getting better is really weighing me down.

For today, I'm not going to wait!! Tomorrow, I'll remind myself to do the same.

TODAY I'M NOT GOING TO WAIT

Thank you
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Unread 12-28-2008, 04:34 PM   #34
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Aww, thanks for your kind words, Idol.

For what it's worth, responding to you has been very helpful and liberating for me too. It forces me to look at myself and remember what I need to do - so thank YOU for that opportunity.

In a way, it's easier for me to be "objective" because my situation is much more cut and dried. It's over...a done deal. Despite the warnings of friends and family that my ex would begin a campaign of promises and apologies (apparently standard procedure among alcoholics), I haven't had to face that onslaught of remorse or recriminations. There's only been silence and the realization that he's chosen booze over me - that the only thing he "lost" was the barrier to guilt-free drinking over the holidays. I've lost what was weighing me down, so I've been trying to put this time - and his silence - to good use.

But Idol - GOOD FOR YOU!

gf67
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Unread 12-28-2008, 04:59 PM   #35
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Idol

I'm sorry there have been few responses from the moderators here......one is visiting a sick mother, another away for the holidays and I've had the "flu" while trying to do Christmas with 15 guests. I've been reading every day and was happy to get that accomplished at times. I'm sure you know how that goes but so sorry you've felt alone during this time. I was thinking that you and gf67 were having some great dialogue and didn't need to interject.

Gf had great advice for you. You are putting your life on hold waiting for him to change and I think that realization alone will be so helpful to you. Don't fall prey to his manipulations if you can help it. Wisdom and time will help you recognize these attempts in the future.

I'm in your corner.

SLynn
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Unread 12-31-2008, 04:40 PM   #36
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HI Idol

Just checking in to see how you've done over the last few days. Were you able to keep up your new mantra?

It's New Year's Eve and I hope you found a way to stay busy. Being a huge drinking holiday, I'm sure some of you are feeling quite anxious today. That's understandable.

I hope you are still feeling liberated and please check in when you can.

SLynn
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Unread 12-31-2008, 07:54 PM   #37
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Hi SLynn,

Yes, the mantra is still working. I'm convinced that I've done all that I can do with this very limited situation and am therefore able to put it down and continue with the other things I've got going.

Counseling is really helping and I'm going to start Alanon next week. Thanks for checking in!

Best Wishes!! and Happy New Year!!
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Unread 01-01-2009, 03:38 AM   #38
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Happy New Year To All,
I'm Paulmaury, and I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm reading a lot of good things on this site, and hope to make many friends. I am an alcoholic with much experience in addictions......my own. I love sharing the in's & out's of how a alcoholic thinks, operates, and connives, because I have been that person and I want others to know exactly what their up against. Make the playing field even (so to speak)!
I'm just a regular guy, who happens to be insightful in the world of addiction, only because I am living it! I don't plan on trying to be a hero, and save everyone (that is unrealistic), but I do promise to be honest for those who seek truthful answers. Compassion is my specialty of course, but humor is a gift! Believe it or not, laughter heals.
Anyway, I am very excited about being a new member, and I hope that I can be of some help to those who need it. Consider me an open book and feel free to ask me anything, for I have accepted humility as a way to move forward!

Wishing Much Serenity To All For The New Year! ~Paulmaury~
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Unread 01-01-2009, 02:54 PM   #39
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Hi Paulmaury,

Thanks for being so willing to share. This has been a very good place to exchange information and support one another. As you know, addiction ruins people's lives and their families if recovery is avoided; the behavior and actions of an addict are very difficult to understand and experience from 'our' perspective. I also appreciate a 'male' perspective, as my ex is a man and the father of our one year old child.

My ex says he 'hates' being away from our son and 'hates' being 'weak' and hates the drinking. He pretty much hates life in general but also says he 'wants a healthy relationship' and wants things to get better. His behavior is duplicitous and very confusing. We're at the point where he has to decide if he wants recovery or not. He said recently that he does but I don't think he has begun anything yet.

So my question is this: How long did you juggle with 'wanting' recovery before you 'began' recovery? Is it likely that once an addict sees the problem, recovery is eminent?

Also, what would you suggest to me, as the mother of his son, to do, since I love him and want to keep our family together? Was it your wife that burned the bridge between you two, or was it mutual or are you working to get your family back?

Then there is one more thing.. How did you become an alcoholic? How did you go from being a 'nice guy' to hurting others? I know it was because of the altered state of mind (once addiction sets in) but we wonder sometimes: "Were our spouses EVER really nice or was it an illusion?"

I know that's a lot to respond to and I don't mean to overwhelm. Anything you have to offer is much appreciated.

I'm glad that you have embraced recovery and are helping others as well. You are an inspiration and I know that your story will make a difference; keep sharing!

Best,
Idolcrush
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Unread 01-01-2009, 07:21 PM   #40
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Hi Idolcrush
Right now I must clean my pellet stove, feed the cats, and make dinner, but I promise to return and will gladly answer your questions! You see, I do not know how to type, and my pecking skills are very slow, therefore I tend to ignore my manly duties at times, but like Arnold once said; I WILL BE BACK........ ~Paulmaury~
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Unread 01-01-2009, 09:07 PM   #41
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No worries!
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Unread 01-02-2009, 01:13 AM   #42
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Unhappy Idolcrush-3hrs. of writing & then it was eaten up

Dear Idolcrush,
I wrote you for 3hrs. and then when I went to post it, it got gobbled up!
I am so sorry, but I will try again later tonight! I am MAD!
~Paulmaury~
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Unread 01-02-2009, 10:36 AM   #43
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Oh my gosh, that's terrible! You don't have to write back; I can't believe you put in so much effort and it got chomped =(
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Unread 01-02-2009, 04:59 PM   #44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paulmaury View Post
Dear Idolcrush,
I wrote you for 3hrs. and then when I went to post it, it got gobbled up!
I am so sorry, but I will try again later tonight! I am MAD!
~Paulmaury~

Oh, I know! I hate it when that happens..... sorry for you!
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Unread 01-03-2009, 03:09 PM   #45
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Dear Idolcrush,
I do not understand what is happening to my posts? Again, I spent a great deal of time trying to answer your questions, and when I went to post, I was disabled! I have a feeling that the administrators are disabling me, because I am not a qualified counselor, but I'm not trying to act like one. Anything I say, refers only to me, and of my own experiences with alcoholism. Hopefully I will have a breakthrough, and I am able to write an acceptable message, because I know one thing: I most certainly am a QUALIFIED ALCOHOLIC !!!

I won't give up........... ~Paulmaury~
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Unread 01-03-2009, 10:04 PM   #46
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Paulmaury

You are NOT being censored by admin/moderators but I really can't explain why you are still having this problem. It's happened to me so many times over the years and I get frustrated, too. Did the site say to you that you were disabled?

Please don't give up because what you have to say is important to all.

I know this may be a pain, but maybe you should post in smaller increments but several of them? We know it'll be the same 'story' but in segments.....just a suggestion.....

Again, don't give up. Let me know about the 'disable' thing.

SLynn
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Unread 01-03-2009, 10:31 PM   #47
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Paulmaury!! I'm sorry that your efforts keep getting lost and that my questions ended up becoming a lesson of perseverance for you. If you typed it in a word document and saved it to your computer before you post it then at least it will be saved. What you have to say is so valuable to us and with all the build up and anticipation, I think I can speak for everyone by saying, thank you and we look forward to reading your post!
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Unread 01-04-2009, 02:18 AM   #48
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Dear SLynn & Idolcrush,
It happened again! It must be that I take too long to write! When I post, it goes to a screen that reads;
a.) I might not be logged-in. b.) I've been redirected. c.) Maybe an administrator has disabled me. I think I take too long, let's see...>>>>>
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Unread 01-04-2009, 02:26 AM   #49
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YEP.......That's it! >>>>> I will get some sleep, then start fresh again later.
Now that I know what the problem is, I can correct it! Thank-you both for your reassurance & support!
~Paulmaury~
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Unread 01-04-2009, 11:52 AM   #50
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Good Morning Idolcrush,
I'm good to go, Yippee! First off this is my signal for "See Next Segment" >>>>>> OK! Also, any insight I give comes from my own experience in dealing with the disease of Alcoholism. Which by the way, most of us hate the word alcoholic (it seems so weak & dirty), some of us prefer plain old Addict, no biggie! Anyway, back to your EX.
It seems like your ex has a touch of "The Pity-Pot Blues", You know like.....poor me.......nobody understands....I can't help it......Wha, wha,wha,......it's very common for the new-comer, and a easy way for instant sympathy! What is there for him to decide? Your already his EX, and if he really wants you & his son back then he should get off his a--, and follow through on your terms! This is easier said than done, there is many more stages you will both go through before you actually start seeing significant results. Unfortunately, this is how it works, and the longer he is in denial, the wider the rocky road becomes! Maybe if he gets the help he needs, he will lose some of that HATE he is carrying around. It sure sounds heavy! >>>>>>>>>

Last edited by paulmaury; 01-04-2009 at 11:56 AM..
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