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Unread 09-27-2007, 05:38 PM   #1
ConnieM
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Default HELP! I have to stop

Hello, this is so difficult to even be here, but I know that I need help. I have read a lot of the postings and you all seem so wonderful. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and am scared that I am one too. I drink every day. I sneak it so that my husband doesn't know. I feel so ashamed when I do that. I have a 10 month old son and he doesn't deserve to have a mother who is a drunk. I have everything that any one could ever hope for - a great husband and son, a great career, great friends - and I am putting it all at risk by drinking. I drink to feel numb and sometimes I don't think that i can fall asleep without a buzz. I don't want to bring this up to my husband becasue I don't want him to be disappointed in me. I have to get it under control. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated! I really need someone to talk to. Sometimes I think that if I could just talk to someone when I feel like drinking that it would help.

Connie
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Unread 09-27-2007, 06:47 PM   #2
CASEY
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Hi Connie,
One of your word's spoke volume's to me. When you say you drink to feel numb, usually there is something you don't want to deal with.
I am a big fan of Therapist's, I have nothing against AA, I just prefer the one on one.
You say you already have someone in your family who is and alcoholic, that mean's you are more likely to be a good canidate to get this addition.
Talking here is great, but you should really think of a Therapist or someone you can trust without judging you. The fact that you admit there is a problem is a great first step. Keep in contact, so you don't feel alone, there are alot of people who can give you great advice(and it is free and non-judgemental).

I Wish You Luck!
Casey
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Unread 09-27-2007, 07:30 PM   #3
recovery1
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hi Connie, just wanted to share a few things with you. first one, do not worry about being judged by anyone, i am sure you do a good job of that your self. Get help. My personal opinion is to go into rehab if possible an all womens facility go to AA get a sponsor and WORK the steps. Stop the cycle. Recovery is a process not an event.
The process has already started by you getting on line. Keep it going. Call the local AA service office in your area and tell them you need to get to a meeting it is your first. They will support you.
KEEP UP THE PROCESS......
JUDGEMENT FROM OTHERS MEANS NOTHING... REMEMBER YOU ARE THE ONE THAT MATTERS..
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Unread 09-27-2007, 07:33 PM   #4
recovery1
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hi Connie, just wanted to share a few things with you. first one, do not worry about being judged by anyone, i am sure you do a good job of that your self. Get help. My personal opinion is to go into rehab if possible an all womens facility go to AA get a sponsor and WORK the steps. Stop the cycle. Recovery is a process not an event.
The process has already started by you getting on line. Keep it going. Call the local AA service office in your area and tell them you need to get to a meeting it is your first. They will support you.
KEEP UP THE PROCESS......
JUDGEMENT FROM OTHERS MEANS NOTHING... REMEMBER YOU ARE THE ONE THAT MATTERS..
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Unread 09-27-2007, 09:11 PM   #5
farmerswife
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Connie,
I could not believe what you wrote! It is my story as well, down to the sneaking drinks behind your husband's back, and having children, and coming from an alcoholic background. I cried when I read your words! I was looking most of the afternoon for a post where I felt comfortable to write -- and your story touched the innermost part of my being! I would sincerely like to talk to you more, and I hope that you would help me too (since we are in the same position). I never dreamed there was anyone out there that lived the same way I do. Please write back or feel free to e-mail me directly. I hope to hear from you soon. I admire your nerve to tell your story, that took real guts! Thank you so much for sharing!
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Unread 09-28-2007, 01:30 AM   #6
jerryg
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Connie,
It is good to see you are making use of this site. The responses so far offer very good and solid advice.

Now, clearly you are sneak drinking, and that is not a good sign. You seem to be in some kind of internal pain and you are isolating as a means to cope, this is not an uncommon response to pain. If that is the case you need to begin to identify resolve these issues. And since you are experiencing guilt, it is this emotional distress that is troublesome.
It is important to clarify your drinking patterns along with your personal history.

How long have you been using this way?
Are you able and have been able to drink freely and appropiately around other friends and family in social situations? Or would they be surprised if they saw you involved in sort of drinking? Is any use of alcohol an uncommon behavior for you?
Does your husband drink? If so is he responsible in his use? If not, is he critical of any use at all?

Have there been any significant changes or stressors in your life, that may coincide with this behavior? (You do mention having a newborn child.)
Importantly, is your father in recovery, or does he still drink?

I hope you notice that in posing these questions you can begin to identify your situation with a clear eye, less on fear and more on knowledge. Are you alcoholic? I cannot say. But by your own definition you have a problem that needs to be addressed.

Is there someone local you feel safe to talk with about this or any other issues?
You have reasons to be concerned but not afraid.
Hope this is helpful.
Stay in touch.
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Unread 09-28-2007, 12:00 PM   #7
ConnieM
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Thank you so much for all of your responses. I never thought that I could feel so comfortable in this kind of forum. Well, I made through yesterday without a drink for the first time in months. I talked to my best friend yesterday and she was very supportive. I thought she would dismiss it, but she didn't. She took me very seriously. I haven't talked to my husband yet, but want to - I'm just scared.

Jerry - you asked if he drinks. Yes, but he very responsible about it. He can have 1 or 2 and then be done. That is why I feel like I have to sneak. Right now that thought seems totally irrational, but when it is happening I don't feel like I have any control over it. My husband is wonderful and supportive in everything I do. I guess at this point I don't know if it is harder to admit it to him or to admit it to myself.

Yes, I am the daughter of an alcoholic. My father was sober 10 years when I was born. In February, he will have 49 years of sobriety. I grew up in a AA community. My father travelled extensively talking at various clubs and conventions with AA. He raised me with the AA philosiphies. Some times I think about I should know better becasue of having grown up in that life. Obviously, that isn't the case. Although, over the past couple of days the things that I do know about AA have been helpful. All I could think about yesterday was that for today - I am not going to drink.

Jerry - something else you asked really has me thinking. You asked "how long have you been using this way". The word "using" just hit my like a ton of bricks. Using - don't addicts "use". Please don't think that I am being defensive. I appreciate the candor. It is just that I have never thought of it in that way. To answer that - I have been using to this extreme for about 8 months. I started drinking in college. I was a typical binge drinker then. Then once I entered the work force it became more social for a while. I had been a social drinker at that point, but always on the extreme side of things. Then for many years, I was just the party girl - life of the party and I liked the attention. Now it is just sad. When I start, it is hard to stop - especially lately. The crazy thing - when I was pregnant, I never touched the stuff. Thank God!

I have a lot of changes in my life. My son was born 10 months ago and I have been dealing with post partum depression. Of course, the drinking just makes that worse. It especially got worse when I came back to work. I was home with him the first 12 weeks. I still have a of guilt over that fact that I don't stay at home with him. He stays with my sister during the day. I enjoy my work and feel guilty because of that. It has been hard to strike and internal balance with that notion. As I was getting closer to coming back is when the drinking got worse. This summer, I have to put my father and maternal grandmother into nursing homes.

I realize that all of these things are stressful, but I can't help but think that everyone has problems. Why can't I deal with mine without a drink?

Farmerswife - please feel free to e-mail me directly. I don't know how much help I can be, but I guess it can never hurt to talk.

You all have been very helpful. Thank you for your time. At this point, I am going to think about my options and see what works best for me. I feel like I am thinking more clearly today and want to keep this process going. I have to admit - I'm scared. On one hand - I'm scared that I will fail. On the other - I'm scared that I will be successful and the thought of not ever having a drink again is numbing in itself. I know that I have been soul searching a lot lately. I just returned to my church after 20 years of being away. I need a refuge.

I have rambled on enough for one morning. Please stay in touch. Your words are priceless.
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Unread 09-29-2007, 12:33 AM   #8
jerryg
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Connie,
Your response surely clarifies things.
I can say this from experience. You are grieving. The grieving process is a natural human process, albeit painful. It accompanies all transitions and life changes, it serves to get us to accept these life changes good or bad so we can assimilate, grow and move on.
We are powerless in its presence. It must be expressed and through it's expression we learn to accept and make needed lifestyle changes. We also realize our own resilience as humans to rise and persevere. But when confronting grief we may feel most vulnerable and in pain.
It is most important you deal with the isolating qualities of your present behavior.
Isolation is your greatest enemy. Isolation is a way we deal with pain. But it deals with pain by keeping it secret, when the pain merely seeks to be expressed and healed.
As you say you drink to feel "numb". Correct?
Secrets become burdens when they are left unresolved.

That being said, it is important you have a trusted and safe way to begin to resolve these issues. So the question you most pose is... "who can I talk to about this?" (Being here is obviously a good start.)

I would assume you may be able to talk with your father. But I do not know the quality of your relationship. Or you may have a family friend you feel comfortable confiding in?
You say you have been dealing with post partum depression, are talking with a therapist/ psychiatrist? (By the way, have you been on antidepressants?)
As painful and risky as it may seem at this time you must begin to lighten your load. As you are sharing here, you are best served to begin to do the same in a face to face relationship.
And yet, being here is a good start.

You made this statement...
I realize that all of these things are stressful, but I can't help but think that everyone has problems. Why can't I deal with mine without a drink?

That is the core question, and only you can answer it with any satisfaction, but you cannot receive that answer if you continue to drink in this way.

Whew that is a lot.
Well I don't want to overwhelm you.
Keep an eye out for some wise kind person in your life that allows you to express your grief. They may be right in front of you.

Sometimes people in your situation are afraid their sadness and anger will burden or cause harm to others, this is not rational thinking, but very powerful. You are not doing harm, you are seeking peace of mind. Keep an eye out for the opportunity to lighten your load.
You may be surprised how folks respond to a sincere request for help.
Be gentle with yourself.
And keep in touch here.

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Unread 09-30-2007, 05:36 PM   #9
BLONDGIRL
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Quote:
quote:Originally posted by ConnieM

Hello, this is so difficult to even be here, but I know that I need help. I have read a lot of the postings and you all seem so wonderful. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and am scared that I am one too. I drink every day. I sneak it so that my husband doesn't know. I feel so ashamed when I do that. I have a 10 month old son and he doesn't deserve to have a mother who is a drunk. I have everything that any one could ever hope for - a great husband and son, a great career, great friends - and I am putting it all at risk by drinking. I drink to feel numb and sometimes I don't think that i can fall asleep without a buzz. I don't want to bring this up to my husband becasue I don't want him to be disappointed in me. I have to get it under control. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated! I really need someone to talk to. Sometimes I think that if I could just talk to someone when I feel like drinking that it would help.

Connie
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Unread 10-01-2007, 01:14 PM   #10
ConnieM
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Well, I almost made it through the weekend. We went away to see my in-laws this weekend and I made it through fine until last night. I need to find a way to be by myself and not want to drink. I guess that will require me getting help. I think I am going to investigate a 1:1 therapist. Unfortunately, I can't talk to my father. It is not that he won't listen, but that he just doesn't have the mental capacity any more. He is in a nursing home now and his mind is not what it used to be. I have talked to my best girlfriend. Now it is time to talk to my BEST freind - my husband. It is so hard for me to ask for help. I am always the one that other come to when they need help. I am always the one that figures things out and helps others. Now that I am writing this down, that could be part of my problem. It's like I take the weight of the world on my shoulders and drinking is my release. It's time to talk. I had been seeing a therapist for the post-partum, but I didn't really click with her. It's time to find another one. Wish me luck!
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Unread 10-01-2007, 04:46 PM   #11
jerryg
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Y'know, it's the isolating behavior that can be most damaging.
You don't have to be perfect, just be yourself.
And if that means being a helpful person then the people in your life are most fortunate.
Now let them have the opportunity to support you.

If you have any further questions about recovery or high risk alcohol use offer them up here.

Glad to be of help.

Good to hear you taking these steps.
Carry on.
Jerry
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Unread 10-01-2007, 06:09 PM   #12
ConnieM
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Jerry - you are very perceptive. Perfect - something that I have always strived for even though I know that it is not attainable. I have always been good, if not the best, at everything I have ever done. Sure that sounds great, but not always. Don't get me wrong - I am thankful for my God given talents, but I have to learn to let go. Like you said, this type of behavior can be very isolating.

Question - does the urge to drink subside or go away? Does a day go by when you don't think about drinking? Or - is it a process of waking up every day and deciding not to drink?

Thanx for the encouragement!
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Unread 10-01-2007, 09:11 PM   #13
jerryg
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Connie,
Expect the urges and cravings to drink. It is natural, they are symptoms of alcohol dependency. Their prescence is a response to stress, also known as triggers.
Triggers are those experiences that introduce stress. Triggers can stem from internal and external sources. Keep in mind that stress is a fact of life. How you cope with these factors is key. If you see them as intrusions, bad or wrong with a fearful stance then you are adding to your stress, with the likelyhood of relapse as a result. If you regard them as a cue to use healthy means of coping you are less likely to seek a chemical (ie. alcohol) to relieve them.

You are beginning a process of self education, learning about yourself and how you respond to stress. If you feel that this process is a valuable undertaking then you must not drink. Drinking is an undermining factor.
This process is not without its pain and discomfort but learning to engage it through natural healthy relationships will lead to greater confidence in your resiliency and strength. The chemical has its immediate power, no doubt. You came to rely on alcohol as an immediate substitute, it appeared to provide short term relief, wherein it compunded your pain and depression. Consider that what you seek is not the immediate relief of life's "problems" but the resolution and assimiliation of these challenges. In that way they become lessons learned and direct you to make suitable and appropiate life adjustments.

Approach urges and cravings with HONESTY in accepting their prescence, PATIENCE as you seek to identify and resolve the underlying stressors without the drink, and HUMILITY when you are less than successful in rising to the challenge and therefore see the need to ask for and recieve help.
Be gentle with yourself, stay commited to your sobriety, and have faith in your life.

And if you find you feel good for no obvious reason, don't ask why, just laugh your ass off!

You're welcome.
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Unread 10-02-2007, 03:46 AM   #14
ConnieM
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We almost lost my Dad today. I just got back from the hospital. Talk about triggers. I have been sitting here thinking about drinking and my father and his sobriety. I thought about a drink - but instead came here. Time will tell - for both of us. For today, as far as my father and I go - neither one of us died and neither one of us drank. It was the best possible outcome for today. Tomorrow is another day.
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Unread 10-02-2007, 11:57 AM   #15
JaneDoe
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Connie, I'm sorry to hear about your father. I hope he is ok.

I just started one on one therapy recently. I recommend it to anyone. We're working on getting to root cause of why I medicated myself with liquor. It's a daunting task at times, but I am glad I am finally doing it. I just got my 2nd Vivitrol shot yesterday too. It's helping me to not drink. If you do slip and drink, you don't want any more after 1 or 2. I've been having 0 lately because I just don't want to.

My thoughts are with you and your father. You can do this without liquor. I don't want you to waste any precious time (like I did) especially with your child by going into a bottle.
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Unread 10-02-2007, 03:20 PM   #16
jerryg
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ConnieM,
Sorry to hear about your father.
Good to hear you didn't use.
This is a challenging time, as it passes you will learn a lot
about where you are at and what help you may need.
Stay sober and present.
All the best.
Jerry
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Unread 10-02-2007, 11:54 PM   #17
Stacey
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Hi ConnieM,

I've been reading your story and am sorry to hear about your dad. It's a very hard thing to go through sober or not. I'm proud of your strength and you should be, too.

Stacey
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Unread 10-04-2007, 02:27 PM   #18
ConnieM
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Thanx for all of the encourageing words. My father has shown some improvement which is good. He will never be what he was even 2 weeks ago, but at least we are trying to get him some strength back and we are moving him to a new nursing facility next week. It has been since Monday with no drink. It has been a rough week. I have been trying to keep your words in mind. Especially in relationtion to my son. I want to be the best I can be for myself, for him and my husband. My patience has really been tried this week, but I am trying to be honest with myself. I also talked to my husband. He is completely supportive. So, that has been a huge step. I know that I need his support if I am going to beat this. It also gives me more accountability and now that he knows that I have been sneaking drinks he will probably be more aware of it. Although, he also stated that I have to do this for myself and that he can't be my drinking police because he doesn't want me to resent him for it in the long. However, he said that he is always willing to talk and will allow me the time (meetings, therapy, etc.) that I need to get through this. He is wonderful. It will be nice to have someone to talk to - it helps to lighten the load.
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Unread 10-04-2007, 07:59 PM   #19
jerryg
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Connie,
What's happening with your father is the kind of life stress you are learning to cope with naturally. Talking with your husband has been a good step.
Take things one step at a time, you have done a great deal to end your sense ogf isolation. And you are keeping sober.
Keep doing what you are doing and see where this leads.
Have you been looking for a new therapist other than the one you were working with around the post-partum depression? You could use someone to talk with who is neutral and confidential.
You could consider checking out a mutual help group, AA and the like.
But regardless, keep the lines of communication open and stay sober, don't drink.

Glad to hear your father has shown some improvement.
Jerry
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Unread 10-05-2007, 11:59 AM   #20
SLynn
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ConnieM

I think your husbands response/reaction is perfect. He is totally right, he can't be your drinking police and it's healthy that he recognizes that. The ball is in your court 100% but he is at your side, which is huge. You have several resources now...this site and your husband. I hope you are going to get therapy, if you aren't already. Finding the root cause is paramount. Coping with day to day stressors is tough and learning to do it with your own resources is a hard lesson when you have been masking it with alcohol....but you are learning! Each day without a drink prooves to you that it can be done.

Stacey
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Unread 10-08-2007, 04:03 PM   #21
SLynn
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Hi ConnieM

How was your weekend? How are things with your husband? Let me know what's going on. You're in my thoughts.

Stacey
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Unread 10-18-2007, 10:35 PM   #22
SLynn
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ConnieM

How are things going? Haven't heard from you in a while and hope you are ok.

Stacey
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Unread 10-28-2007, 05:36 AM   #23
jerryg
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Connie,

I would be interested to hear how things are going with you.

Jerryg
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