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Unread 11-17-2007, 06:17 PM   #1
mots1962
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Default Wife denial

OK, so for years I have dealt with wife in denial about her alchohol abuse. Too many instances to say. I have periodically attempted to confront her about the drinking but as usual denial or my fault. We have a 7 and 9 year old that for years I have shielded her behavior and soon they will figure out what is wrong. They continue to ask why is mom acting "crazy" and I alway say she doesn't feel good. My question is that my anger problems stem from this and I have unfortunatley taken some anger out by shouting at the kids and hate myself for this. I am in therapy to work on my emotions but want to know if next time I should not cover for wife actions and let the kids know she has a problem. I cannot leave her for fear of losing the kids at this time. I feel helpless and hopeless. I have discussed therapy for her but her stubborness says she can handle on her own which ALWAYS comes back to drinking.
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Unread 11-17-2007, 09:21 PM   #2
SLynn
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mots1962,

You have a very tough situation. My first suggestion, since you already have a thrapist that you are working with, is to talk this over with them. It's a huge decision that you need to get right and professional guidance is suggested.

No matter the decision, there will be those that are hurt. There is no avoiding it, in my opinion. You can't continue to sacrifice yourself for her sake if she is not willing to do her part. I wouldn't be too surprised if the nine year old isn't catching on. Again, just my opinion, but kids are wiser than we think.

There are lots of options for your wife if she would just be willing to seek the help. There are medications that can reduce the desire and amount of alcohol she drinks. I'm sorry she won't deal with the problem yet. It must be so difficult for you.

Talk with your therapist about the children. That's your best bet. Keep in touch.

Stacey
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Unread 11-18-2007, 01:04 AM   #3
mots1962
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Thanks. I am sure my nine year old knows what's going on. She is very smart. I have heard of vivitrol and would like to bring this up someway but feel this is kind of condoning her drinking.
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Unread 11-18-2007, 01:24 AM   #4
SLynn
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I wouldn't look at it as a license to drink at all. It's acknowledging that there is a problem, addressing the issue of getting drunk, and allowing her to seek treatment to learn the root cause of the drinking and coping mechanisms for the future when alcohol is not in the picture. It's a tool to help her craving for alcohol and prevent getting drunk. She can still drink, but when 12 drinks would satisfy her cravings before, the Vivitrol will dramatically reduce that desire and need. It's all hypothetical at this point because she hasn't even taken the first step but I hope that is on her horizon.

Please realize that your wife isn't happy this is her life. How could she be? It's a hard problem to admit having and even harder to take the first step. I believe it will come in time. I know you are frustrated but have hope that she will come around. Good luck talking with your therapist, too.

www.vivitrol.com (in case you havn't looked there yet)


Stacey


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Unread 11-18-2007, 04:14 AM   #5
jerryg
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mots1962

I agree with Stacey. It may be time to approach you wife's drinking more directly.
The behavior thrives in secrets. There is a lot to be undone, meaning to
protect your family from the chaos brought about by the addictive behavior.
It's rough.

Still, in setting reasonable boundaries, and mindful of your enabling responses
you begin to regain your sanity, so to speak. Juggling compassion and detachment, you want to be available to introduce
care. Be as honest with your children about their mother's behavior as you feel they can handle. Encourage them to be supportive around their mother getting help to stop drinking.

There will come times when your wife will break down and actually ask for help. These windows will certainly vanish as quickly and unexpectedly as they appear.

An available plan improves your timing.
The more readily you are able to introduce direct care at these times, the better the result of your wife going along.
Be patient, and that's easy for me to ask. Focus your energy on introducing direct professional care, rather than trying to do it on your own.
No guarantees, and it will be upsetting, but your steadfastness, education and preparedness will serve you well.

Talk with your doctor, and therapist, what types of treatment available?
All the best, stay in touch.

Jerry
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Unread 11-18-2007, 02:58 PM   #6
mots1962
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Thanks to all. She is seeing a therapist but of course I don't know what is said, she has other problems from her long ago past and I am sure alcohol has not been on the topic of discussions yet. I have nothing but time for now to see what happens. I have to stay away from "preaching" about alternatives such as Vivitrol for now but is on the agenda soon I suspect. I will continue to shelter the kids from her behavior for a while.
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Unread 11-18-2007, 07:17 PM   #7
jerryg
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It's good not to preach. Stay vigilent, take care of your kids.
Let's hope your wife doesn't wait too long to get help with her drinking.
Stay in touch.
All the best
Jerry
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Unread 11-20-2007, 12:20 AM   #8
CASEY
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Mots1962,
Hi, Like jerry said you have to take care of yourself and your children.
People who drink to access are usually in some very bad pain that they feel the alcohol help's, but it is a cruel mistress , because it just make's everything worse and then you physically need it and that probally scare's your wife alot.
I wish you luck, and remember the site is alway's here.
Casey
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Unread 11-20-2007, 03:52 PM   #9
mots1962
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Thanks Casey, I know that she has pain. She is seeing a therapist now but even last night she had too much to drink, I just avoided her for the most part. I did bring up Vivitrol this morning as best I could, she did not get angry but also really didn't say anything which usually means she was upset. I figured I had nothing to lose by bringing this up.
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Unread 11-20-2007, 04:50 PM   #10
CASEY
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Mot1962,

Don't think this will go away fast, it took alot for her to get were she is and it will take alot for her to get back.
Have you ever thought of going with her to her therapist, tell her he will not disclose anything she has told him(it is against the law).
Maybe you can get and idea and some tool's to deal with it.
Also just a thought, Is she going to Therapy or just saying she is , so she can make you feel a little at ease.
As I have said before , alcohol or any addiction is a mistress in your life and right now she probally really needs it physically, It sound's like she might be better off at a Faciliy , that can do what you can't.
She will fight it , but I am surprised that her therapist has not suggested it.
That is why I ask if she is going.
You have to stop being her "VICTIM" ( i don't call it and enabler) I don't think that word is strong enough!
You have to realize that you have to start taking care of you, Have you thought of seeing someone, they can give you great tool's to help you!
I wishyou luck, you have to tell her you know facing whatever she is trying to drown. The alcohol make's it worse, for the first few sip's I bet she probally feel's numb and that is how she want's to feel. Going back to our past is a horrible ordeal but she has to get to the pain to get free! Right know you can't really believe what she say's , that is why I ask is she really is going. Alcohol make's great liar's.
My thought's are with you! We all know this is not easy at all!
Casey
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Unread 11-21-2007, 06:47 PM   #11
mots1962
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I know she is going because the last time she went the therapist mentioned that she should do something nice for me so she will no longer go there. She says she is scheduled to see another therapist so I don't know. I also see a therapist for my own good. I don't want my anger spilling over any more to my children. I found her stash last night in the closet of Vodka, I thought about throwing it out but just emptied some and put in water. That and I took a picture of the bottle and her stash as I have to start planning down the road if she refuses to stop. I as a father that travels will need lots of evidence in a possible divorce for full custody. I don't want that road and it may be months or years off but if I don't "trust but verify" then that will serve no good down the road.
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Unread 11-21-2007, 08:41 PM   #12
CASEY
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Mots1962,

I was glad to read that you are seeing someone that is great, you have to help yourself even if the addict won't help themselve's, especially if you have children.
I wish you the Best of Luck.
Casey
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Unread 12-12-2007, 08:30 PM   #13
mots1962
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Well, it's been a while. She has remained sober but I have seen a bottle in her purse a couple times. She tells me now that she is working on herself and wants to be selfish. I said nothing about the bottles. At this time therapy is helping me understand myself, I am sad that she will not look into any therapy just made initial phone calls. She is on her own for now. I am planning next step for myself and kids for whenever that happens. I have no faith in her ability to stop and am just waiting for her next episode. Sad for the kids but if I leave it will be for the best and that may be the rock bottom for her.
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