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Unread 11-27-2007, 07:08 PM   #1
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Default I need advice how to help my recovering boyfriend

Hello. I met few months ago a wonderful man, who treates me better than I could ever wish for. He is a recovering alcoholic and druguser. Whe goes 5 times a week to AA meetings, 3 times on court ordered, and twice on his own willing. He is sober only for seven months.Im working as a full-time bartender, thats how I met him, hi was hunging out with his social-drinker father, while he never drunk anything else but soda. He has 2 kids, and he has them every other day.He is a great father, but he (and his ex-wife) has some addiction
problems. After separeted, he moved back to his parents house, thats where the kids spending time with him and his family. He sais he would do anything not to loose custody of his kids, which mekes me respecting him deeply. Since we begin to seeing each other, many times he stopped by in my bar, not drinking at all, just being there for a bit. He always told me that he does't mind to be around drinking people, that does't put him temptation. If we hung out together, I usually have a glass of whine, but I told him that I dont mind to stop that, because I dont want to temptat him, and drinking doesn't mean to much to me anyway. He said he doesn't mind at all, and he doesn't want me to change anything in my behavior. He was talking about more and more about how much he wants me meet his kids and family, which I did first time couple a weeks ago. His family is very nice, and things went pretty good. Than Thanksgiving came, which I spended with them. I was waching his family drinking, (nobody got wasted)and him not to, I had 2 glasses of wine, too. The day after that he went out to see an old friend of his, and I was working that night. That evening he stopped calling me, or answering my calls. He told me couple of days before that that he would like to live a full life, and able to have couple of drinks if he wants. My biggest concern was that night, that he couldn't resist, and he is out there drinking. To days later I went to his house to ask him whats going on with us, if he wants to stop seeing me, and asked for explanation. Yes, he was going out that night drinking, and now he feels angry of himself, because he couldn't resist, and letting me down, and being in absolutely panic about the urine-test, what happened 2 days later.I tryed to calm him down, and told him that Im there for him if he need support, or just someone to talk to, no matter what gonna happen.His family doesn't know what he is and he was going trough in the last couple of days.They think he is doing sooooooo goooood, and they are so proud of him, and he feels guilty because of that. Christmas is coming, I told him to spend here in my house where are no drinks and drinking people around, but we both know thats a little to early for the kids for such a big change from what they are used to, but we both know that is a very temptating situation for him to spend it with his drinking family. I been thinking about inviting him with the kids, including his sister (not drinking) and her kids, after spending the early hours of afternoon with his family at Moom's house, and sending him home relatively late, when people aren't drinking there anymore. I need an advice, I dont want to loose him and let him alone because of his fears and his temptating enviroment, but I don't want him to think Im trying to controll him either. I want to help him any ways I could. Every opinion is appriciated
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Unread 11-27-2007, 10:01 PM   #2
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I think the first question would be how does your boyfriend want to handle it? What does he think is best for him? I know he may not have the best or 'right' answers but you can't be the drink police. It's a legal drug that is readily available no matter where he goes and that is the reality of it.

If he is feeling fragile at this time, then perhaps the exposure needs to be limited. But talk with him because ultimately this is his deal. You can only be there to support his decisions. Any other method you attempt will only make you crazy in the long run. These are just my opinions.... Let me know how it goes.

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Unread 11-28-2007, 01:07 AM   #3
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Yes, you are right, and I know I can't save him from drinking, if he want to, plus I wouldn't want to do anything agains his will. The thing is, he doesn't count himself as an recovering alcoholic, he just thing he have to keep himself away from stuff untill the program ends, which scares me, and I dont know, if I should run, or belive in him that he gonna be a "social drinker", what he thinks he gonna become. I mentioned it for him, the the real point supposed to be not drinkig at all, to keep sober even after the program ended, but I dont thing he liked to much this idea. He says he is not an alcoholic, and he supposed to be able to live like other people do, and have some drinks sometimes, if he feels like. He is half way in his program, and I dont know if he gonna be alright or not. I just don't wanna go trougt the hell what many people as family members of an alcoholic had to. I don't know if he is an alcoholic. But he talks about his feelings, even without asking, which is a good thing. I don't know what gonna happend. I just praying for him, and listening to him.
Thank you for your respond
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Unread 11-28-2007, 06:41 AM   #4
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Hey there,

Did he start drinking again because he decided he wasn't an alcoholic? Or because he slipped up as an alcoholic and wants to go back to not drinking anymore? If he was in his program and stopped drinking and suddenly started again and is saying that he thinks he can just have a few drinks like everyone sounds like he's intending to start drinking again and even though its with the intention of being like everyone else I would just be really weary of that because as much as he wants to be able to have a few drinks, alcoholics simply can not do that on a consistent basis...If he is an alcoholic and you've only known him sober there could be some real behavior changes that might be really scarey, upsetting and hurtful.

It sounds like you really care about him and want to stay with him...An idea...If you do continue seeing him, just keep in mind your happiness level and how much you are able to take, especially if he continues drinking and its damaging to you and him. I thought I'd mention that because, my boyfriend has always drank, but either was able to contain it for awhile or just never let me see his true colors, i don't know, but it certainly did not appear to be a problem, wine with dinner meet up for a beer or two, nothing out of the ordinary...And he just seemed like this perfect person and the first night he did something awful i was just so upset and was completely SHOCKED, it was like a completely different person...i had picked him because i thought he was problem free...and i think that was probably the most upset i've been through this whole thing because i was 100% sure that i'd never end up being a part of a crazy emotional roller coaster with him...So i just thought that you might want to prepare yourself if you decide to stay with him and he chooses to continue drinking. There's not much you can do about it except for set boundaries that you feel comfortable with. I hope that things get a lot better for you and you're able to be more at peace and are able to feel better...I'm sure you're really worried and really scared right now. I hope that you are able to make yourself feel better...since that's all anyone has control over, themselves. (And i know how hard that is, because i am having a hard time accepting that little philosophy myself, but i'm trying hard to.) have a good night.
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Unread 12-01-2007, 05:01 AM   #5
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My husband is a recoverying alcoholic - almost 2 years sober. He believes that if you keep going to a barber shop, you're going to get a haircut. He believes the same of a bar. You keep going in, at some point you're going to have a drink. I do not drink either. I used to but didn't really care if I did or didn't so opted to not. Plus, I quit drinking a few years before he sobered up. The smell and such gave me an ishy feeling because of watching my husband. You really need to think long and hard about staying in the relationship. If he is serious, it would probably be fine but if he continues to struggle, there is nothing you can do to help him. You think you can, but you can't. He needs to do it on his own.
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Unread 03-09-2008, 01:43 PM   #6
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so he had a slip.tell him not to beat up on himself.It is just a reminder that he is a compulsive drinker. sassygirl
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