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Unread 03-08-2017, 05:18 PM   #4151
Alexis
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WOW what a game of football that was

Barcelona won in the last minute of the game, the last kick of the game actually...

Madness.

Thats why i love football.

I need a lie down after that. hahaha

Need to rest before im up early for tattoo. Then meeting my friend in the afternoon for coffee. Then packing as im visiting my sister this weekend.

xx
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Unread 03-09-2017, 09:40 AM   #4152
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Hi Alexis,

I haven't been posting, but I have been reading.

I've been struggling in my own way and felt sorry for myself a bit. Like Millie mentioned, I had no choice but to work, no matter how bad I felt. Then I met some other people who would love to be in my shoes. For example, a few months ago I met a Syrian woman who had lost three children and her husband. Another man, in his seventies, had basically watched his entire family die. I've met many more in the same boat.

My point is, we don't know how strong we are. You've shown that you're strong.

So, I have a challenge for you. Go out and make your company work. Don't wait and don't rely on handouts or grants. If you really believe in what you are doing then make it happen. Because the cold hard truth is that nobody else will do it for you.

I've had belief in what I want and that has led me to work with the UN and now working in universities. Nobody has helped - especially myself - yet I'm still here and pursuing my goals.

I can't walk very well now, even though I used to run marathons, and my mental health could do with more work, and I love my life! Each day is a gift and I try to use it.

You're stronger than you think and you can do what you want to do.
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Unread 03-09-2017, 01:31 PM   #4153
Alexis
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Hey ST really really great to see you around. I miss you a lot.

I hear you and i take on your advice. I do believe in my company i will work even harder.

Thank you for saying i am strong. I dont always believe that but i will try to take it on board. Thank you.

Its 6.30pm, Im just back from my friends house, where i popped to after getting my tattoos done. I LOVE THEM! they are great and make me smile, especially Jacksons face.

So im home, tired after a long day. Got some salad for dinner. And i need to pack but might just do it in the morning.

Ill have a bath later i think too.

Trying not to think about Nepal/ESA stuff. x
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Unread 03-09-2017, 03:32 PM   #4154
R. Lee
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Alexis, In the U.S. tattoos cost a lot of $$$$. I know this crusty old Marine a plenty of them. My shirt will cover them if I want. Some I regret & I have to live with my choice. Enjoy your time with your sister & think through that 1st. drink. One is too many & a thousand are not enough.
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Unread 03-09-2017, 03:37 PM   #4155
Alexis
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Hey R Lee....tattoos arent too much £ here really. I paid for this 3 months ago when i got my grant. So no guilt here!

I have lots on my arms, i love each one (so far) haha

Thanks R Lee x
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Unread 03-09-2017, 06:23 PM   #4156
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Hi Alexis, have a fun time at your sister's this weekend!

Huggles,

Nancy
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Unread 03-09-2017, 06:44 PM   #4157
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have a great time at your sisters Alexis, it is good to see you so happy and looking forward to the visit. I don't have any tatoos and don't plan to get any. I think they are pretty when they are bright and tell a story. I never judge anyone and each person's body is their own. I'm so glad your happy. I don't know why I went into such detail about my tattoo opinions, but wanted to let you know that I am glad you are happy and you are really going to have a nice weekend.
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Unread 03-10-2017, 11:46 AM   #4158
R. Lee
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Think through that 1st. drink Alexis. Have a great time with out alcohol.
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Unread 03-11-2017, 03:14 PM   #4159
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I hope you're having a nice time with your sister.

Hugs
xxxxx
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Unread 03-13-2017, 01:23 PM   #4160
Alexis
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Hello all. Monday evening right now, 5.30pm almost. the sun is out, but starting to set. Its cold out though. Been a reasonable day weather wise.

Had a nice time at my sisters, my parents were there also and was nice to see them, and the dogs.

Just had a feeling all weekend that i didnt fit in, its totally my issue, I’m loved and cared for by them all, but in my mind i don’t fit. Im a disappointment to them.

These thoughts made it impossible for me to settle and i found myself sitting quietly more than usual. I think my dad was concerned

I hate myself for feeling that way. Its not fair for them at all.

I recon also the stress of the ESA stuff made me feel even more strained. Not wanting to talk to them about it but wanting them to comfort me…lose lose situation really. All my fault though.

So i got home yesterday, but didnt do much. Not done much today either really.

Ordered some paints which is kind of exciting though…and a new sketchpad. My friend found a code for 50% off so i saved a lot of money.

My arts council money is finally in my bank account. So I’m able to buy the flights to Nepal, but really, i don’t think i can go can i??

I feel so despondent today, like I’m alone and failing in every aspect of my life.

In my diary i have written down to fill out the ESA forms tomorrow. Im nervous but ready, I’ve been reading through the support sheets that Tryn advised me to get, they help a lot. But its a long long PDF document with masses of info, so its tiring and a bit confusing.

Breaking off now. Football tonight to watch. I have some nice bread to make a cheese sandwich with salad for dinner and ill try to just be ok.

Peace xx
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Unread 03-13-2017, 02:19 PM   #4161
R. Lee
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Alexis, As far as feeling you didn't feel like you were fitting in with your family that is on you unless someone said something to you to make you feel like that. Most alcoholic's feel less than while drinking & we carry some of those negative thoughts with us in recovery. That is one of the reasons we drank to block feelings out.

It sounds as if you did not drink while with them. Work on that positive behavior on your part.

Enjoy your football & rest of your day.
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Unread 03-14-2017, 08:35 AM   #4162
lostdog
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I understand your feelings and frustration. I do the same thing with my sister, family, friends, etc. Don't compare yourself to others. Do this and see if you feel better. You have decisions and no decision is wrong. Lots of good luck and luv for you.
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Unread 03-14-2017, 09:06 AM   #4163
Tryntryagain
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Good morning my dearest Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

I really do feel your anxiety around ESA.......mine now rebooked for the 29th. It is a long way off.....and even then it will be weeks of wait for a decision. I have to put it away. Do what i can, and put it away. If i don't.....not ESA perse...yet the consistent anxiety of what the outcome will be, would destroy me now. Never in my life have i "lived a day at a time"....or on "it's terms" than i do now.

If i tried it another way, i wouldn't last the afternoon.

You last letter says you are going to fill in the form today? If you decide to, i will check during the day to see if you ask any questions you might have about filling it in. I understand what you mean about all the info there is out there, it can be confusing, when it comes to Government forms Tryn can be surprisingly succinct.

If there is anything you need to know, just ask.

I want you to imagine something for a few minutes.

My little is all over the place to be fair as i have been redocarating. I am at the stage of putting it back together again. It is overcast.....and the ole fella keeps wandering in to "find out what i am doing", as the ole fella can't quite work out why everything is being moved. My clothes, like me, covered in paint and whatnot....i'm happy with it, it's looking good.

So i am having a lunch break, come in to see the family, and i read your letters.

I want you to imagaine that you are me....here.....in this organised chaos....reading you.

You are incredible. You're honesty will always be there to "save you".....yet you do not need "saving". You are growing so fast, it is a pure joy. If you were me, you would not recognise yourself if i told you what i thought of the energy and inspiration that i know to be my dearest Alexis. It really is as simple as that.

Somehow, and you will, you need find a way of seeing what we all see.

Let me know about the form and how you are doing.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you my dearest Alexis
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Unread 03-14-2017, 10:58 AM   #4164
Alexis
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Thank you Tryn so much. Ive filled in a big chunk of it. The forms you recommended i get are so much help! I think it reads ok and there SHOULD be enough there, there really should. It makes me sad how i struggle. It brings it all back doesnt it, having to explain about self harm and overdoses.

I will put it one side now and look either later or tomorrow i think. I aim to send it tomorrow evening. I feel anxious and scared.

This morning i did lots of drawing, im applying to a drawing exhibition. They are ok....not the best ive ever done.

My paints will arrive at the end of the week.

Wishing i had some beers to kick back with later.

x
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Unread 03-14-2017, 12:27 PM   #4165
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Hi Alexis, good luck with the drawing exhibition.

As far as wishing you had beer, follow R.Lee's mantra and think through that first drink.

Why not have that relaxing tea and do some yoga or meditate instead?

Huggles,

Nancy
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Unread 03-14-2017, 09:27 PM   #4166
R. Lee
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Well at least you didn't have beer right there & you have the chance to think through that 1st. drink Alexis.
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Unread 03-14-2017, 09:51 PM   #4167
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Yes, As R. Lee stated. Just count the small stuff that are big steps. take care.
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Unread 03-15-2017, 09:10 AM   #4168
Alexis
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Hello all, ive written and rewritten this message 5 times. I thought of keeping it to myself, but i think a big problem is hiding things so i should be honest.

I started to think through the first drink, but purposefully ignored my good thoughts and gave in to the bad. I got beers and drank them all last night.

Its hard to explain, well of course you all know the sensation. Craving it, then giving in, the peace i felt was needed. I just relaxed right away and felt happier.

Today i feel a bit foggy. But nothing major. The sun has been out all day and its kind of warm.

My friend has invited me to a pub quiz tonight but ive turned it down. I need to do better tonight.

Sorry. x
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Unread 03-15-2017, 10:50 AM   #4169
R. Lee
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Why are you sorry Alexis? You needed a drink. After drinking you were relaxed, happier & warm. Sounds good to me.

I can't drink I am a alcoholic. I don't know what I will do if I pick up that 1st. drink. So today & that is all I am working on is staying sober today, I will try & think through that urge if it comes.

Have a great day.
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Unread 03-15-2017, 10:51 AM   #4170
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon my dearest Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

In my opinion, "sorry" has no place moving forward. No place at all.

I believe our dear R Lee will nod as he reads this.

I have never experienced war. I worked at a base in our dear ole Blighty during the 1st gulf war as a civvy fireman, (i checked the fire extinguishers), yet never felt war. I could only imagine. I also was a growing man at the time of the Falklands.

I know of a fellow who was a "special forces" chap....together with his men...on a Royal Navy ship that was attacked from the air and sunk. 238 men died, he, terribly disfigured.

The war over, (Falklands), he went on to meet the fighter pilot that attacked the ship. (Trained by the RAF funnily enough).

To this day they are firm and close friends. The special forces chap saying that the pilot that sunk them "did a good job....after all....we trained him!"........and that "war is war. It starts with chaos and ends with chaos."

Asked if the pilot has said, "sorry"?, the friendship that existed between them allowed them to put beautifully that life, and its circumstances can be cruel, and we all have to live it. When we have, it is what you do with what is left that makes life.

For sure, we are such a respectful family that when we share our journeys and make mistakes, the wrong decisions, we think we must be "sorry".

We know how you feel.........i know that sorrow as well as the next alcoholic........it has no place in your life today.

The chap next door has been having issues with crack and cocaine. When he reaches for help around that......it may as well be alcohol.

Alcohol is the most powerful and accessible drug there is with cigarettes. I see no difference whatsoever in heroin, coke, speed, lsd, cannabis......ergo alcohol.

Every single drug used will, more than likely, be accompanied by alcohol. It you want a "gateway drug"....alcohol is yer man.

Different drugs do different things. You will not take a drug over alcohol that will make you feel worse when the effects wear off.

So today your body is feeling the effects of yesterdays drinking. Your body could probably take a few more years drinking...........

......could your mental health?.......could your heart, soul and spirit?......Could YOU?.....

....Look how it makes you feel?

I wrote to our dearest Lost Dog about a therapist i once had, cor blimey, if i could roll the clock back!.......a wiser fella i would be lucky to meet, and one of his pearls of wisdom once was that, ....

"Tryn you have displayed admirably your ability to crawl....buck naked....across broken glass to get a drink.......can you show the same ability to crawl away?"

He was trying to show me that i had, "everything i needed". The strength, the courage, the fight.......and deep down......a real, genuine desire to stop "everything and get off".

There was 1 thing missing. In million years i could not think of "believing in myself". YET.....YET....Having grown up on a roof.........now ****ing tell me i don't believe in myself. I would physically attack therapists and whatnot if i was questioned about my ability to care for myself. I was seeing vulnerability, as i had been brought up, to mean someones going to get hurt.

I just did not know what it was.

Then....this family.

"Learn to love yourself".

Yeah right.

I tried the "i love myself" stuff on a bus and happened to get vexed with a bus driver who did not appear to love me....or infact being a bus driver...so that did't work. I did the "look in the mirror thing" which can be a tad depressing as it needs to be a "widescreen" mirror to fit in my ears....so that didn't work, i have smiled generously at passersby, early doors......(wonder why i am given a wide birth only to walk past and realise perhaps at 5.45am with a waddling large furry ball and an eskimo appearing out of the dawn..... i might give them a wide berth too.)

Then....away from folk.......us time. The waste ground becomes his playground.....now, any ground is his playground, and as i watch him potter, so my heart smiles, my mind relaxes, luck comes to join us, and the here, and the now, is sooooo, so beautiful. Those moments....become minutes, then hours. Just like addiction can creep up on you.......so can sobriety.

It is in the ever increasing, accepting days, that i realise that "learning to love oneself" is actually learning to love what you are....and what you do got inside.

After a lifetime of shoving folk up against walls to tell them if they said something nice again i would put them through a window........

This family opened the door for me to say something nice about myself.

Being "yourself" some may say is a frightening prospect. Well it might be if any of us knew how to do it and who we are in the first place! I think being yourself is how you sail your ship. Trusting your instincts and following your strengths. Experience will join you along the way, yet the most intriguing journey of you is to your heart. It took me ****ING AGES!!!! to find the proximity, my brothers and sisters kept knocking on a continually slamming door until they got an answer. I realised then.......just like a well respected car thief.......THAT'S where all the keys were.

Loveliness, it is a quite, quite beautiful day in our dear ole Blighty. If you feel up to it, go fr a wander. Do not think. Just look.

I was once told that an artist spends 90% looking, and 10% painting.

You really, really do not want to know my %ages.

Come on....."up and at it girl"........beautiful afternoon........especially to go to a DIY store for those things that "keep ya chin up".

(Oh and it is true. If you smile on the outside, you smile on the inside.)

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you my dearest Alexis
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Unread 03-15-2017, 01:24 PM   #4171
Millie
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Glad you've made a good decision about tonight. It's a whole new day. So's tomorrow, when you're going to wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

And I agree, no sorry is necessary. You know that.
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Unread 03-15-2017, 01:32 PM   #4172
Alexis
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Thanks Tryn... thing is, i feel like i dont care anymore, i just want to drink more. I want to drink tonight again. And i feel like i just dont care. It makes me feel good and im fed up of feeling so miserable.

Millie. Nice to see you around! I say sorry because i just feel i let you all down. You believe in me so much, and i ruin it every time.

xx
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Unread 03-15-2017, 01:40 PM   #4173
Millie
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You haven't let us down. You've let yourself down.

I'll just remind you that alcohol actually is a depressant, so it will inhibit the *good* neurotransmitters that naturally combat the emotions you're trying to numb. So while there's that momentary numbing, you know the feelings will all come back later, stronger than before, without the help of the good chemicals that are supposed to be there to help. You also really shouldn't drink with meds... the reasons not to go on and on.

You can do whatever you want, but not caring? That's the hangover talking. Give your brain and liver a rest. You can go to the gym tomorrow and feel soooo much better.
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Unread 03-15-2017, 02:15 PM   #4174
R. Lee
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You can run with that thought forever that you let us down if you want Alexis. No one has the power to let me down. I can feel sorry for a short time concerned yes but not let down. I am the only one to let myself down by taking that 1st. drink.

I am not against drinking alcohol. The normal drinker can have 1 or 2 & stop. I can not do this. I like to get drunk if I drink.

I hear it all the time if you want to drink then drink, maybe you have more drinking to do. Not the easiest thing for the problem drinker to hear but it is the truth. You have to reach your bottom. For some of us that bottom is death, simple as that. Good luck with your decisions. Alexis.

Last edited by R. Lee; 03-15-2017 at 02:19 PM..
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Unread 03-15-2017, 03:28 PM   #4175
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There is a reason for regretting when you drink?. You're here because you want to stop and feel good about it . You sound sad Alexis and I just want you to feel better.
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Unread 03-16-2017, 12:09 PM   #4176
Alexis
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Thanks for all the advice and thoughts. I chose to drink again. But this time in the pub with friends watching the football. I dont regret it. I needed it. i needed to let go and let off steam.

But i do feel like im losing a bit of control. Im sleeping in late, not going to the gym, not eating much at all, drinking...

I need to get hold of my life and steer it back onto the healthy path.

Today i got up earlier, took my meds, had breakfast. Ive not been doing that.

The weather was meant to be crap today but its been pretty sunny most of the day. I even got into the garden and planted some seeds. Which i loved doing.

I posted my ESA forms this afternoon. Very scared. I think i filled it out the best i could, i told them all the information i needed too and now i just have to wait for an assessment date. How long is it likely to be Tryn??

Im trying to put it to one side, like Tryn does...i cant do anything now, its up to the person who reads it. So its pointless to sit and worry and worry for a month or so...

Tonight, well more football is on at 8pm so ill watch that. Then get a bath, have some dinner. And an early night.

Its only 4pm though now, so maybe ill do some drawings.

peace xx
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Unread 03-16-2017, 04:32 PM   #4177
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Peace Alexis.
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Unread 03-16-2017, 06:19 PM   #4178
Alexis
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Had a nice evening. Had a bath, watched the football, meditated. Read a bit. Did some more drawing.

Feeling more peaceful tonight. x
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Unread 03-16-2017, 07:21 PM   #4179
lostdog
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Hope you sleep peacefully well, enjoy your day tomorrow.
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Unread 03-17-2017, 03:46 PM   #4180
soapdish
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I hope the day has been pleasant for you.

Which kind of seeds have you planted?
I've planted cucumber, coriander and lemon balm so far.

Have a lovely evening
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 03-18-2017, 03:33 PM   #4181
Alexis
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Hello SD, well i bought these 'seed bombs' where you place them in the flower beds and the seeds which are inside burst through and flower. So im not entirely sure what they are, but they are advertised as 'Butterfly Delight' so i expect bright and colourful cant wait to see them grow.

I also bought my mum a bag of them too, for Mothers Day. (which is next Sunday here)

Been real tired this weekend, not done much, met my friend which was just lovely. Her new house is absolutely gorgeous and she has a beautiful cat called Dwight haha really nice to catch up with her.

Apart from that, i watched the football (Everton won 4-0!!) and then the rugby (England lost boo)

Its 7.30pm now, i think ill have a bath soon and read a little. I dont know what to read, i get like this, i start a book and want to swap - i have so many unread. I think ill try Desolation Angels by Kerouac.

I feel quite distant from everything, i think its worry. But just need to try hard to get through it.

x
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Unread 03-19-2017, 11:13 AM   #4182
Alexis
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Hey all, quiet around here again. Always is on weekends i suppose. Still i can’t shake the voices telling me some of you are angry at me for drinking last week. And therefore not dropping in.

Anyway, it is Sunday, Tryns special day

Not done much, nor doing much today. Just watching the football. 3 matches on today. Been decent games, onto the 2nd one now.

No food in the house except some bread so beans on toast later for dinner.

I have done a food shop, i ordered online and it will arrive tomorrow at midday. Lots of veggies, salad, salmon….i need to get back on the health kick.

I also have 2 parcels to pick up at the post office tomorrow which is exciting, i think its my new paints!! I hope it is, so i can do some painting tomorrow which will relax me.

I know the other one is some new sketch pads. I have used up a full pad in a week, with drawings. So getting the new ones will be good

I sent some photos of the drawings to my parents and they loved them, which is pleasing! My dad said he is glad I’m drawing again.

Just been lying on my bed with my head on Jacksons belly, his soft fur rising and falling with his breath. He calms me down so much. Helps my anxiety. He has now gone out to play, even though it is drizzly rain. He doesn’t really mind i don’t think.

So its 3pm. I may do some sketches while the footy is on.

Oh….regarding art, and i suppose my low self esteem. My doubts and my terrified feeling of failing. I read this amazing letter by artist Sol Le Witt to another artist, Eva Hesse. Some sections that mean a lot to me….

It will be almost a month since you wrote to me and you have possibly forgotten your state of mind (I doubt it though). You seem the same as always, and being you, hate every minute of it. Don’t! Learn to say “**** You” to the world once in a while. You have every right to. Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder, wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, grasping, confusing, itching, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, numbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting, hair-splitting, nit-picking, piss-trickling, nose sticking, ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger-pointing, alleyway-sneaking, long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching, grinding, grinding, grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just DO

Try and tickle something inside you, your “weird humor.” You belong in the most secret part of you. Don’t worry about cool, make your own uncool. Make your own, your own world. If you fear, make it work for you — draw & paint your fear & anxiety. And stop worrying about big, deep things such as “to decide on a purpose and way of life, a consistant approach to even some impossible end or even an imagined end.” You must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO

Just wow. The main points i take is just DOING work...is important. Just making things, drawing things, recording things. I need to just DO.

Stop worrying, tell the world to f*ck off

Making my own 'uncool'... sounds fun!

Drawing and painting my fear and anxiety...yes...i have been doing this already, i need to do it more.

Anyway, im off to draw.

Peace... xx
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Unread 03-19-2017, 11:20 AM   #4183
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neat artist, yes take to heart. As for us thinking bad about you, no it's all good.
I did want to say that to keep you from drinking when you don't want to but think you have to with friends, just remember you are on medication and it can be a lethal combination with alcohol. I'm not trying to frighten you or make you worry at all, it's just easy to say no I can't on meds and it will work. It will, people like you for you, not if you drink or not.
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Unread 03-19-2017, 02:36 PM   #4184
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Thanks LD, its just the voices telling me, Nancy, Millie, Sam...mad at me.... oh well.

Thanks for the advice. xxx
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Unread 03-19-2017, 03:49 PM   #4185
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No one is mad at you Alexis. You have done nothing for us to be mad about.

I could have let you get in my head yesterday when you messaged everyone in the family but me. I thought about it & pushed that ugly thought aside & remembered that you have a lot going on & probably just forgot about me which you most likely did.

We can start our day over any time. I hope you have a great rest of the day. Hugs!!
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Unread 03-19-2017, 04:27 PM   #4186
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Hi Alexis, I agree with R. Lee. I don't think anyone is angry with you. It is the weekend, which is usually a lot slower around here.

Hope you sleep well.

Huggles,

Nancy
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Unread 03-19-2017, 04:36 PM   #4187
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Oh RLee. Im glad you pushed the thought away. Im very sorry it even entered your head!!

Thanks for the reminder that our day can restart whenever. The evening has been fine actually, more drawing done. And some plans for the week sorted out.

Just about to have some toast and watch the Simpsons, then i may take a bath and do some reading.

Nancy, thanks for popping in, i was anxiously worried about your thoughts. I know its stupid to think that way, but once the voices begin, its difficult to stop them from snowballing!!

Oh and funny thing, i thought one of my 'seed bombs' had sprouted and was so happy, then looked later and it had gone, must of been a tiny slug sitting on it hahahaahha silly me!

Peace all. xx
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Unread 03-19-2017, 07:59 PM   #4188
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Hey Alexis!

It's Sunday afternoon, heading toward 5pm, in good ol Sherman Oaks---and as bright and sunny as anyone would imagine California to be. Ruby and I just returned from our 3rd park adventure today. We always do a couple...and try for a third. Keeps Ms. Ruby in shape and, despite these damn bad knees, keeps me moving forward.

Noah is still in Australia, coming home this coming Wednesday. I can't wait until he's home and he can't wait to see Ruby again. Mrs. Sam and me too, I think---but definitely is eager to reunite with Ruby Tea Goofy. She has a last name too, but since we're anonymous, she must keep that one to herself. Ha!

Re your thoughts about some of his being angry at you for drinking. Alexis, that really is in your own thinking, "in your head," so goes the cliché. How can one addict/alcoholic be angry at another addict/alcoholic for doing what addicts do?

Everything you're doing, from the drinking to the anger to the denial to the refusal to accept suggestions is precisely what I did when I was drowning in my own sickness.

Oh man, it seems so obvious now, my distorted thinking. But back then, I simply wasn't ready to stop using drugs. As RLee said to you a few posts back, you may not be ready to stop drinking...you may still have more drinking to do. Even when using messed up my life, and the lives of my family, I kept doing it. Even in your pain, your shame, your internal rage, you keep doing what makes your life worse.

No, I'm not angry at you. I wish I knew how to help you, to shake the resistance out of your head, I wish I knew how to convince you to take a chance and try our suggestions. I feel your hurt, nothing at all to do with anger.

Look, if you weren't filled with such self loathing and shame after (most often) you drank, then why SHOULDN'T you drink? If the drinking wasn't making your life worse, then why WOULD you stop? Yet every time you drink, you hurt---sometimes greater, sometimes lesser.

Anyway. No, I am/we are not angry at you. If this site we JUST a social site, where we all "just" shared our life 'n times, that'd be one thing. But this site, the essential "reason" for this site, is to help people who are suffering from addiction.

And yep, you are suffering, I believe. But maybe not yet enough. And that, as I have said many times, is what I feel such sadness for, for your suffering.

But mad at you? No Alexis, that's not it at all.

best,

sam
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Unread 03-20-2017, 07:37 AM   #4189
Alexis
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Hey Sam, its raining here, but looking at the weather, the next few days seem to say sunny/cloudy...so i cant wait for that!

Glad to hear Noah is coming home soon, you must miss him so much! How long is the flight to America??

Thank you for your letter. I have some thinking to do again. Im glad you arent mad at me and apologise for the assumption.

I just dont know how i feel about it all, but today? I will stay sober. Lets try this one day at a time like so many of you do...

Today im real tired, i barely slept last night. Not sure why, perhaps due to anxiety? But i lay awake till 4am. Then woke at 8am and couldnt get back to sleep. *yawn* maybe a nap later.

First though i need to wash the dishes and wait for my food shop delivery. (should be here in 45 mins)

Then i need to go pick up my parcels from the post office. (fingers crossed its my paints)

Then the afternoon will be spent drawing and painting. I hope.

xx
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Unread 03-20-2017, 09:20 AM   #4190
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oh NO, the parcel wasnt my paints how crappy!! I was so excited to do some painting...oh well. They may arrive this afternoon??
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Unread 03-20-2017, 10:14 AM   #4191
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Hey Alexis!

Sorry about your parcel. Sucks to wait. Afraid it's just one more aspect of the addictive mind. We...want...it...now. Ha! I mean, I can wait for days, weeks! before I buy, say, a few bottles of scented candles...or a new book...but once I actually DO purchase it, it's like, dammit! why isn't it here now! Tomorrow? Nope, too long. Ha! It will, of course, arrive soon.

Yes mam, one day at a time. In all seriousness Alexis, that's all any of us have. And we're not even guaranteed that. All we really have is now...and when we can remain sober/clean for "now," that's a victory---and, really, the best any of us can do.

Later!

sam
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Unread 03-20-2017, 12:46 PM   #4192
Alexis
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Hey Sam, well the parcel arrived maybe 2 hours after i posted that! So been painting this afternoon. I must admit, im kinda crap at it hahaha but practice practice hey?!

Some marks, some images look ok, but i just cant get the paint to do what i see in my head its frustrating.

But the time has gone quickly and ive worked hard.

Just having a tea break. Its 4.45pm, im pretty hungry so will start dinner soon. Salmon and roasted veggies YUM.

Bath as well later, and an early night. Hoping i can sleep this time. I should do im exhausted.

My concentration for films hasnt been great lately so not watched anything but maybe ill put something on tonight.

Or maybe ill just stick to the Simpsons haha.

Yes one day at a time.

The sun is out and all i want to do is drink beer, but really trying hard to put those thoughts away.

Thanks for your support Sam xx
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Unread 03-20-2017, 02:39 PM   #4193
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Good evening my dearest Alexis. Bright blessings to you.

Awww bless ya.

I went to a unit 1 day....back in the day, i remember it as clear as day, i was 23 days sober.

I had the hump becaue since i had become sober, everything hurt, and i kept falling over and bumping into things. I brought to the group.....

"I thought that happened out of your nut"

The therapist taking the group just happen to be mine. (The chap i said i loved to pieces and still do today..........hated him at the time), he said....

"The reason you can not concentrate is your mind is not in the task in hand, it is on others things."

It was then i told him that infact it was on 3 days without a drink and not 23.

He said.....

"No shit sherlock. I could smell it on you."

"Huh??....you ****ing freak! It really is 3 days!"

"I know. It is still pouring out of you"

"Issssit????"

Whats that saying?...something like if your fooled once they are an idiot, if you are fooled twice you're an idiot, something like that.

Fool yourself twice, you're dead. There is no other.

It will take time. You need focus on YOU. Not your whatnots.....your whatcans.

Now is the time to gather yourself through this year.....make a plan.......what do you want?........What support can you have in place to make damn ****ing sure you get there?

I reckon our gorgeous Sam is someone you need to listen to verrryyy, verrryyyyyy carefully.

I left a little poem at my place, so i shall eave one for you. This is Samuel Taylor Coleridge.........

A Mystical dream.

What if you slept? And what if,
In your sleep
You dreamed?
And what if,
In your dream,
You went to heaven
And there plucked
A strange and
Beautiful flower?

And what if,
When you awoke,
You had the flower in your hand?

Ah, what then?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you my dearest Alexis
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Unread 03-20-2017, 02:55 PM   #4194
Alexis
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Thanks Tryn, yes all thats on my mind is alcohol at times. Certainly would have liked some while painting. And now....its evening which is the hardest time of day!

Just made an image which im pretty pleased with i think...! Could be better but wont allow myself to be negative.

Almost 7pm now, rain has started and the cats arent happy about being in. They love summer, they stay out all day/evening. Then sleep peacefully through the night.

Jackson is crying to go out now but when i open the door and show him the rain he sulks haha

Just made a cup of tea and about to discuss my work with my friend (over email)

Need a bath soon. Need to try to relax. Need tips!! xx
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Unread 03-20-2017, 07:14 PM   #4195
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Cool that you're drawing and painting again. I'm jealous of your new paints!

I hope you had a relaxing bath. The only tips I can give are all the things that you already do; meditating, tea making/drinking, lavender oil, reading, watching tv or a film, looking at how peaceful the cats are.

You can do this. The evenings are hard, that's true, but it makes the mornings even more precious. It's a shame to waste them with a hangover!

I think about alcohol all the time. I walk past my favourite drinking place every evening on my way home from work and I imagine myself stopping and ordering a prosecco. Nothing would be wrong with that really but I know sooner or later I'd be buying a bottle or two to take home with me. So no. I just walk past, but it's still a ritual I go through every time I walk down that street. I don't want to drink because the effects of it are unbearable to me now. It took and still takes a lot of determination, but that's ok it makes me stronger minded and that's a good thing.
I just wanted to say how it's been for me personally, if it is of any use at all.

I hope you're having a lovely evening and I wish you a happy Spring!

xxxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 03-21-2017, 08:26 AM   #4196
Alexis
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Hey SD, thank you so much for such a lovely letter to me.

I had a bath yes, and read my book (i swapped my Kerouac book for Lord of the Flies!)

Then meditated and stood in the garden for a few minutes to let my skin prickle in the contrasting temperatures.

I also lay with Jackson which helped.

I slept a little better last night, but still not very well! But its sunny today and im going to do some more painting.

Peace xx
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Unread 03-21-2017, 01:37 PM   #4197
Alexis
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Hey all, pretty good day really, done more painting and it looks good!! (i think) haha

Also been nominated to apply for a special trip to Germany to see some art...not sure if to apply or not but its super awesome to be nominated...someone from the Arts Council who came to my show in January did it.

Makes me feel proud.

Its 5.30pm, just cooking some veggies and salmon for dinner, and watching the Simpsons.

Maybe a film tonight?? ha i say that every evening.

x
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Unread 03-21-2017, 02:11 PM   #4198
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This is something to boost your self confidence Alexis. Good for you.
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Unread 03-21-2017, 02:18 PM   #4199
Millie
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Very cool, Alexis.

I've been telling myself this a lot lately: you miss every opportunity you don't take.

I have had more than a few disappointments lately, but it seems to be getting easier. This is because I'm putting myself out there more. It's rather liberating. Anyway, just a thought.

Hope you have a great evening.
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Unread 03-21-2017, 02:28 PM   #4200
Alexis
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Thanks R Lee & Millie.

Well the reason im not sure i will apply is because its specifically for curators. And even though i did curate the London show, i dont see myself as a curator. And so im not sure its the right opportunity...i have the week to think it over though.

x
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