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Unread 02-09-2008, 07:47 PM   #1
flower
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Default Low Self Esteem For SLynn

How can I be so self assured with friends, church, every part of my life except my marriage of 42 years to an alcholic? Every part of my life is great except my marriage. I have a great business, my friends think of me as strong and self assured. I take so much crap from my husband. He is seeing another woman, of course I drove him to seek some one that makes him feel speical, loved, (his words). His drinking is due to my nagging.

This is silly but really hurts makes me so angry with him and my self. We moved into a new home two years ago, bed room has a walk in closet, private bath. It's his, my clothes are in the hall closet, he does not like any one in his bath room, I use the one in the hall. How can I put up with this? He has offered me the use of the closet, but I want use the closet I'm afraid it would be thrown in my face. I can't live with that. Am I co-dependant? How can I be so strong in all other parts of my life but not with him?

Thanks Flower
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Unread 02-09-2008, 09:11 PM   #2
SLynn
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Flower

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/alcoho...dependency.cfm

You have been living this life for so long that you don't have a sense of normalcy in your home anymore. You have no control. HOWEVER...you can control your friendships, your church activities, work, etc. There you have the power that you 'need' and are able to use.

You love him. You fear him. You fear losing him. You fear being alone. You probably aren't sure who you are anymore. He is probably your identity.

These are things that happen over time and certainly aren't healthy for all involved. You know you aren't the reason he drinks, but you are willing to consider it. You know you aren't the reason he has a girlfriend, but are willing to consider it. You put up with this becasuse it's all you know.

Coming to this site is a step away from the control of 'him' and the alcohol. You are aware that this is not normal or healthy and are taking some steps towards yourself. It's a start. Don't beat yourself up about it. You do the best you can do each and every day. Some days are better than others, as we all know. As long as you keep moving forward for YOURSELF you're making progress.

SLynn
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Unread 02-10-2008, 01:16 AM   #3
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Oh Goodness. I also have a room upstairs with a walk-in closet and a bathroom. I have been told to sleep downstairs with my girls. I also shower in the hall bathroom. I have spoken with his girlfriend when he has come home drunk and she is wondering if he is okay or not.

This is control. A controlling partner is so hard to get away from becuase they drain our soul. I have been fighting for three years and I am now starting to realize how controlled I have been. I do believe you are codependant. I am reading that book Codependant no more and it has been very eye-opening for me.

Generally when a person is codependant they are strong in other areas because they can control that part of their life. His drinking is due to himself wanting to drink. I have heard that so many times. I am an alcoholic because of you. So untrue.

Be strong. Check into that book.
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Unread 02-10-2008, 04:20 PM   #4
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Thank you Stacy and Kmoc, I will get the book! flower
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Unread 02-11-2008, 12:42 AM   #5
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Is this the reason I can't leave?
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Unread 02-11-2008, 02:40 AM   #6
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i too am reading the book, Codependent no more...and have found it to be really helpful. Flower- not sure if you are reading it or not, but you may want to take a look at it...this whole thing is not easy though its hard to accept. Because when what you want is conflicted with what is best for you it causes a pretty big disconnect and can cause a lot of pain. keep on moving forward. you can do it.

-Sarah-
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Unread 02-15-2008, 12:14 PM   #7
flower
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Sarah, I'm reading the book it's really great. I'm reading about anger now that is very confusing for me. I'm so angry but so afraid to express my anger. Sarah do you go to Alnon? Have been several times but for some reason just didn't get it. I think I'm at a cross roads and it scares me. Feel so selfish, money is not a problem I cold leave he could leave, but it's still so hard to make that step after 42 years of marriage. I read all the post and feel even more selfish, he is an alcholic but he doesn't beat me. I'm so much better off than all the people with little childern, just feel I'm being a baby (that's hard to do at 62),. Any way would love to hear from you Flower.
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Unread 02-15-2008, 01:44 PM   #8
nove23
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Flower -don't feel bad Iam in the same place or should say was in that place. I also read that book and 99.9% was me. But my husband and his girl friend are now living together they are both married -both alcoholic's and drug users. He blames me for his drinking and she tell's me she knows my husband better than I ever will. Bull S... This woman is nothing but trash and I won't lower myself to that . If that's what he wants that 's what he can have. Ive told him I love him and want to work things out with him but he likes the life he is living. And there is nothing I can do . After 38 years he just walks out on his family -business-friends for this AA woman that ever one knows she has been with almost every man in AA. TRASH. I have a 5 year old at home that he does'nt even come and see or call we do the calling and if she is there he is hateful. What is with that???? He want 's the divorce and he is going to get it. She even got fired from her job and he is now suporting her but not us. What's that all about. So don't feel bad we are here with you. It will be ok . Everyone on this site has really help me to think about me and the hell with him. Keep that head up we great people who just fell in love with asses. Tina
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Unread 02-15-2008, 01:54 PM   #9
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When you've done everything you can possibly do to help someone and they refuse to get help or throw it back in your face, it's time to re-focus your energies on yourself and your children (if there are any). Why subject yourself any longer? That energy that is being expended fruitlessly can be much better directed to making your life and the lives of children (if there are any). You can have the information at hand for if and when the alcohol-dependent person is ready. But, as we all know, we can't help anyone who doesn't want it.

Look at your quality of life. That's what I did. That's why I left. There was no longer a point in trying to help someone who preferred alcohol over me and didn't want the help offered.

Prayers.
Nadia
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Unread 02-15-2008, 04:16 PM   #10
SLynn
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Flower

This is the only life you know at this point. It's not easy to decide you want another with all the abuse you have suffered. Even though you KNOW it's not what you want, getting the NERVE to change it something totally different. You are working on that part. We only have one life. This is it. How do you want all of your remaining years to be? That is your goal. Not him. He has already moved on.......he has already left. Find some things that gives you joy and weave them into your life. You need a purpose. That is what I believe.

SLynn
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Unread 02-21-2008, 08:54 PM   #11
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Thank you SLynn! Flower
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Unread 02-26-2008, 10:14 AM   #12
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Stacy, really trying to do that. Have read and re-reading codependant no more. It is helping, we had a normal conversations. About my fear of starting an argument, thus never expressing how I fill until I blow up. The book also says you can left them know how you feel about their drinking in a non blaming threating way, say it when they are not drinking (maybe I got this from post) This is what I want to know how, what do you say? Very hard to find a time he isn't drinking, any thing even the color of the sky will start an argeument when he is drinking. Your thoughts and what you belive would be appreiciated.

flower
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Unread 02-26-2008, 05:04 PM   #13
SLynn
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Flower

I have a question to ask you.

What are you trying to accomplish by letting him know how you feel in regards to his drinking?

It's an important question, I believe. Looking forward to your answer and sorry for the delay in response.

SLynn
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Unread 02-27-2008, 05:48 AM   #14
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hey there flower...sorry i missed your question asked me awhile ago!! I've been to a couple alanon meetings, but never really continued going...I don't disagree with it or anything, but didn't really find a group i liked and then just kind of stopped looking. I do see a therapist and i go on this site and i have my book and that seems to be helping a lot, so i haven't quite felt like really seeking it out...I guess i felt like i didn't have to...AND i was having the same conflict at the AA meetings...sometimes i felt like my stories were small...But i haven't felt like that on this site. But I can relate to not quite getting into the Alanon thing. i think if i didn't see a therapist and had my book that i would have continued looking for a meeting i liked. I've found that that book has basically helped me in life and at work too...i've used the advice on small and large things in my life, from my now ex-boyfriends violent angry phone calls to not worry as much over things i have no control over in my life. Where has this book been all this time and why didn't i know about it!

And flower, back to something you said about you feel like you are being a baby about your situation. I don't think you are at all! I think that living with an alcoholic is a really hard thing to do. And the idea of ending something that has lasted 42 years is just as hard. Looking back on my childhood i can think of things that didn't make sense to me then, but do now...And it was really hard for my mom and I don't envy how difficult that must have been for her.

I think that what i like the most about that book is that it shows you, or at least me anyway, that no matter what is going on in your life you can still control your own happiness and get through it. Anyway, i'm going to get to bed, somehow it has become awfully late I hope you are doing well!

-Sarah-
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Unread 02-27-2008, 05:50 AM   #15
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just a note i meant to say alanon meetings, not AA meetings (i don't go to AA)
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Unread 02-27-2008, 11:45 AM   #16
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question to me; What are you trying to accomplish by letting him know how you feel in regards to his drinking?

A fairy tale to make everything ok I suppose that does not happen with alcholics. Thanks for helping me see it's a mute point, I can never tell him how his drinking has taken him away from me. Alchol is number one in his life. Nothing I can do or say with change that. The ball is in my court, live with it or leave no other choice. Is this the right answer?
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Unread 02-27-2008, 06:16 PM   #17
SLynn
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I'm not here to say what is the right or wrong answer. But as an outsider in this I have to wonder what your goal would be. I wasn't sure what outcome you would expect and think you would only be disappointed. He is hardly your partner and he has a girlfriend, right?

I know you are feeling lost and heartbroken. I know it's been a lot of years, too. I may not make it any easier but if you realize that what you are looking for isn't there, it may help you to put your energy elsewhere.

Just my thoughts.

SLynn
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Unread 02-29-2008, 11:28 AM   #18
SLynn
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Hi Flower

Just checking in with you. When do you leave on your cruise?

SLynn

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Unread 02-29-2008, 11:38 AM   #19
shelleyF4L
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Hi, I am new here and I have read your story. I really feel for you but don't you think its time to get out of that relationship? I mean I know that you love him, but you need to think about YOU!. I hate to see alcoholics drag people down into the gutter with them and thats exactly what he has done to you. You are a wonderful person to have put up with his crap for so long, but isn't it time for YOU!?. I know how hard it would be trust me I know, but I guarantee that if you left him you would feel SO much better about yourself and you deserve WAY better then what he has to give you. I hope you don't think I am being harsh, i'm not trying to be. I have a brother who is in a bad situation too, but he has 2 kids ages 8 and 11 that have to watch their mother getting drunk and passing out on them, its been going on for many years and I can see how depressed my brother is getting. It really saddens my heart to see them go through that. In all honesty if the alcoholic won't get help, the best thing to do is leave and take care of yourself.
Shelley
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Unread 02-29-2008, 04:53 PM   #20
flower
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Shelley, thanks for the shot in the arm, needed that, need many many more to make a move to end it. I think I know it's over just don't know how to get out, so much to divide, 42 years is a long long time. He has been an alcholic for years did not realize it until several years ago. I'm slow in seeing facts. Don't know what else it will take for me to leave. I know he doesn't care for me or the marriage. He has begun looking else where for love what ever I"m not giving him. He has made his choice but we are both still hanging on to what use to be. I'm not afarid of the un know, just afraid to take a stand. Shelley keep telling me to leave it's what I need to hear until it reaches my heart, soul what ever it needs to reach before I make a move. Thank You
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Unread 03-01-2008, 01:53 PM   #21
shelleyF4L
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Well Flower, have you left him yet!!?? :-)
Please, Please!! keep reminding yourself that you deserve better!!
We are all here for you. I am new to this forum as of a day or so ago, but I can see that there are MANY MANY friends for you out there. I really love this place!! I never realized how much hurt is out there because of alcohol, but there is WAY more support out there. Just keep believing in yourself Flower ok!! And be strong and get yourself out of there!
You really do deserve better.
your friend,
Shelley
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Unread 03-01-2008, 01:57 PM   #22
nove23
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flower-Iam also in the same spot as you. My marrage has been 38 years and it is hard. My husband also has a girl friend. These women can't be much to come in and break up a marrage.I filed for divorce and hated myself for days because I know it's not what I want. But it's what he wants so he is getting it.I told him no matter what I will never take off my wedding rings until I die.I love him still but don't like his ways.Please think of yourself just today and then again tomorrow. This is hard for us because this has been are life for so long. But maybe one day they will wake up and we may want them back and maybe not.Hang in there Tina
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Unread 03-04-2008, 01:36 PM   #23
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He will blame until he takes responsability for his actions.Unless you put a gun to his head and said "have an affair or else"then you are not responsable.It is just another one of his "isms"That stands for I self me.Yes you are codependent.try Alanon and learn about the disease.I invite you to read my post.
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Unread 03-12-2008, 12:01 PM   #24
flower
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He did not go on the cruise with me. He was drunk by 4:00 in the afternoon. I just lost it when he mentioned (where is his celias) hid the pills when I learned of the girl friend. From co-dependant no more drew up guide lines for the trip. One was no sex, have been disapointed so many times on trips that were to be romantic get aways, celias, viagra nothing works when you have too much to drink. Told him this would be one trip that would not be a dispointment to me with the promise of sex. Any way he has too drunk to pack, ask me to pack for him I said no.. woke him at 5:00 AM to give him another chance to pack, he didn't remember me waking him up. When on the trip alone, told him if he had not stopped drinking when I came back I was leaving. Came home he was sober, made an appointmnet to have marriage thearpy this Friday. I'll let you know. He still denies he has/had a drinking problem, the girl friend ment nothing (for over a year she ment nothing) swears they didn't have sex. Just don't know if any of this is true. He saw several friends told them he could not go on the trip because I went into a rage. So that's what's happening flower
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Unread 03-12-2008, 11:40 PM   #25
SLynn
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Flower

Aside from him not going, HOW WAS THE CRUISE???

Tell me something positive about the trip? Deep down, how do you feel about working things out in marriage therapy? Will you ever be able to trust him??

I don't buy the "she means nothing to me" talk. I'd almost rather know she meant something for him to walk out on your marriage rather than 'nothing' being enough for him to walk out. He can leave you for 'nothing' any old day but for something, well...that's different. Don't get me wrong, I don't condone it either way. I have very strong feelings against infideltity.

I have to wonder how much you will be able to forgive in the long run should he get his act together. If he gets his act together...

Again, I'd love to hear something great about the trip. Where'd you go? What did you do?!?

SLynn
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Unread 03-14-2008, 10:25 AM   #26
flower
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Western Carbian Cruise; Being with my daughter and son in law was wonderful she is the most loving, caring person. Told our friends on the cruise, he got cold feet, could not be away from home 6 nights. Enjoyed my friends they were great fun as always. Had a facial, hair cut, coffee delivered to my room every day, great walks around the deck, loved the beautiful water of the Carbrian.
I think I did well on my own. Talked to my daughter about the drinking problem (no suprise to her),. My son called me aboard ship, so sweet and kind made me feel so loved and appreciated. The Cruise draws one name to recieve a crystal replica of the ship, they drew my name.
Just don't know what will happen in therapy. For the past ten years I've tried not to communiate with him, knowing it will end in an argument. How can we learn to communiate again? Have been a basket case since the cruise, not as afarid of the marriage ending but very sad it isn't looking good. Fell apart when I heard my friends husband was buying wine and cheese for a date night with her (out of town only two days) just so sad to me, he has never wanted or had a date night with me. He seems to want to save the marriage, I want more I want to be loved, appreciated, listened too, cared about just don't know if he has those feelings for me or he just doesn't want to lose the safty of our home and marriage.
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Unread 03-14-2008, 01:42 PM   #27
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feel as if I'm shaking inside, can't calm my self, don't know why I'm so nervous about theraby? will it be over? will she give us hope? don't know what I want to happen don't know if I want her to tell me it's over get on with your life. just about to fall apart say a prayer for me please flower
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