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Unread 11-20-2008, 01:05 PM   #1
Mary Ellen
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Default I feel like I am going to puke

The other evening, my husband came home so drunk that he left the garage door open, his car lights on, and passed out on the sofa as soon as he got home. I don't have a clue how he got home alive. I made up my mind then that I would do what I had to do to keep him off the road.

After much research, I located the police officer here in town that is head of the DUI task force. I called him this morning and told him of my situation. He was so kind and so helpful and asked me to e-mail him information on my husband, his vehicle, where he drinks, his route home, what time he leaves, etc. He would make a point of having some patrols in that area during those times and would pick up my husband if they see him on the road.

After much agony, I decided that I needed to give the officer this information. If my husband were to have an accident and kill himself, it would be horrible but I would deal with it. I know,though, that I just couldn't live with my husband killing an innocent person. It is almost too unbearable to even think about.

I feel like such a heel for 'ratting' him out. I love him dearly but this has got to stop. Even though I think I did the right thing, I feel as if I am going to puke.

Thanks for listening. Mary Ellen
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Unread 11-20-2008, 06:35 PM   #2
SLynn
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Mary Ellen

What you've done has taken lots of strength and I admire you for that.

I'm anxious to see/hear how this plays out. Will you tell him that the police are going to be watching?

Again, what you've done has taken great courage. Take some deep breaths and move forward.

SLynn
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Unread 11-20-2008, 10:23 PM   #3
CarlyO
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Hi Mary Ellen,

How are you holding up? I can imagine that you are feeling a myriad of emotions, I almost started crying when I read your post, because I know how gut wrenching this must have been for you to make that call and how hard you have fought, tried detatchment, tried everything to deal with your husband's drinking.

The glaring truth is that it is a miracle he got home safe, without being in an accident. This past ordeal must have really jolted you to take action. I know it is difficult - but maybe everytime you doubt your decision, please remind yourself that it could potentially save your husband's life and the lives of others; innocent people coming home from dinner out, god forbid, children. If you did not call- it may eventually have been someone on the road that notices if he is weaving, I know I have called the highway patrol before on drivers who are obviously swerving all over the road.
Stay strong Mary Ellen, lean on your support system, I pray if he does pull a stunt like the other night and does get picked up, that this will be his wake up call and he will get help.

I wish I could say something to allay your fears and worry,you said you could not live with yourself knowing that you could done something, and did not. Take comfort in knowing you tried, we are are rooting for the best possible outcome for you and your family and for you to have peace in your life.
You are a strong woman Mary Ellen, take care of Yourself. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 11-21-2008, 10:28 AM   #4
Crisco427
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Hi Mary Ellen,
I am devastated for you as of your last post. I wish that your husband could see what a strong and loving and fantastic person you are and realize what he is sacrificing by not fighting to get better. I also want to thank you for sharing everything with us, for two reasons.
First, after reading your post, I am empowered to do the same thing the next time my husband is stupid enough to try the same stunt. He is usually giving in to his lousy, single, selfish brothers when this happens, so heck, I may go for the hat trick!! One of the brothers has been at deaths door as a result of alcoholism, and has some permanent damage, and I wonder what it will take to get them to wake up. I know how hard it must have been for you to make that call, but because you did it and shared your story, you gave others like me (who may have thought about it often, but never had the b*lls to pick up the phone) the courage to do the right thing, too. I will be your e-partner in crime any time!!!
Secondly, as a mother of two fantastic daughters, I want to thank you for taking one more drunk off the road. My girls are 17 and 19. Both drive to work, school, movies with friends, etc. My oldest goes to school in Milwaukee, and drives about 90 miles to and from on a regular basis. Like you, I love my children more than anything in the world, and it would truly kill me to lose one of them to a drunk driver. Thank you again for your courage.
I will be praying for strength for you and hoping that this step may be one that provides the 2X4 that whacks him back into reality.
Take Good Care. God Bless You.
Crisco
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Unread 11-21-2008, 12:59 PM   #5
Mary Ellen
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Last night was another bad night. My husband was out drinking for nearly 5 hours. By 9:00, I thought for sure that the police had gotten him and that I wouldn’t be hearing from him for awhile. Just as I was feeling calm, I hear the garage door open. There was some satisfaction to the evening, though. For some reason, he wasn’t able to get into the house. I don’t know why. I don’t know if he dropped his keys in the snow or locked them in his truck or what, but for over an hour I heard him trying every door – one after the other – then going back out of the garage . . . it went on and on like this for over an hour. I was up in bed and my son was asleep and I decided that there was no way in hell that I was going to help him. I just let him deal with his own mess. He finally got into the house though I’m not quite sure how. This morning I noticed his keys on the hook so I don’t know if he had lost them and found them or why he couldn’t get inside to begin with or if he was just too drunk to open the damned door. This morning I saw blood all over the door into the house from the garage and pointed it out to him asking him to please clean it up. You should have seen him start checking himself all over to see where the blood might have come from! I am not even going to ask. I can’t tell you the amount of satisfaction I got from letting him deal with his own alcohol-induced crap and seeing his confusion and concern this morning. And I was actually disappointed that he finally got into the house. I really wanted him to have to sleep in the garage all night.

After last night, I feel much better about sending that mail to the DUI cop. It really reinforced the fact that I did the right thing. I am way past that now.

But my poor son is having such a hard time with this. He was so afraid when it was getting late and dad wasn’t home, looking out the window every 5 minutes and asking me if I thought he had had an accident and whether he might be in jail or in heaven. At one point he said “I really hate this”. It made me weep. So I curled up in bed with him and just kept hugging him and telling him how much I love him and that we are a team and that there is nothing we can do to help dad. How do I keep my son from being a screwed up adult under these circumstances? We have an appointment with his counselor on Monday so I’ll talk with him about what is best for my son.

My husband is driving 700 miles to see his mother who has Alzheimer's on Thursday early morning and will be back late Sunday night. So we will have 4 days of peace. It will be such a relief. I so hate to say this, but he has to drive through the mountains which is dangerous and the road is very busy and I am usually very concerned for his safety when he makes this drive but I am not going to say a silent prayer this time that he remain safe. I’m not sure I really care. It would be hard on my son and me but at least this crap would end.

Thank everyone for your kind and supportive words. As I said, I felt bad yesterday after I gave my husband's info to the DUI task force cop, but after last night, I don't feel bad at all and can't fathom why I even hesitated. I just hope that they can actually catch him.

Mary Ellen
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Unread 11-22-2008, 02:08 AM   #6
CarlyO
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Hi Mary Ellen,
Wow - it sounds like your husb was very messed up . Also, from your actions and words maybe you have moved on from keeping the peace at all cost to feeling your anger. Please stay in contact with your support system and take care of yourself.

My heart breaks for your son, when you said he was looking out the window every 5 minutes - I am wondering what the counselor will advise. You are doing the right thing by involving him in counseling so you both can learn how to deal with this. Would your son go to Al ateen ? I know kids worry about seeing people they know or that they think it is "lame" but it may be worth a shot to ask him.
The truth is no matter what your husband does, your son loves his Father, children cannot separate the alcoholism or detach as adults can. Would it make a difference if you let your husb. know what his own son was doing last night, how he was worried, how uterly unfair it is? I am sure your husb loves your son, would he attend counseling at least for your son's well being?
Imo- He is so sick he cannot fathom the effect this is having on him. At least you will have a reprieve over the holiday, do you have Thanksgiving plans with family , friends?
I hope you and your son have a very peaceful 4 days - you both deserve /need it . Hang in there and hoping you have a nice weekend : ) Take Care, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 11-22-2008, 09:06 AM   #7
Mary Ellen
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Thanks Carly. I have given some thought as to whether or not to talk to my husband about how much he is hurting our son but I know it would just fall on deaf ears and he would likely use it as yet another excuse to go out and get drunk. I am done talking. I have talked and pleaded and begged and threatened and, of course, it doesn't help. So I am just taking care of my son and my self. I've thought about Alateen but he is only 7 and I don't think he is quite ready for the format; it would be a bit beyond him. For now, we'll continue with his counselor and ask his advice about when my son might be ready for Alateen. When the time comes, I will surely have him go and see how he takes to it.

We are spending Thanksgiving with my 5 siblings and their families. We are a very close family and even live quite close to each other. Everyone is very supportive of me but they are all just telling me to kick my husband out. While I know that is probably inevitable, I am not quite ready though I am getting close. I will do what I have to do when I have to do it.

Have a good and peaceful holiday yourself. Mary Ellen
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Unread 11-22-2008, 04:56 PM   #8
CarlyO
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Hi Mary Ellen,

Yikes! your son is seven - for some reason I thought he was 12, sorry about that. You are right imo- and this is just my opinion a 7 year old may learn things there he is not ready or able to process. It would have to be one good alateen group. There is even alaTOT !
You are doing he right thing with counseling.I just wanted to let you know I got the ages confused with someone else here.
I am glad you have a supportive family - sure it is easy for them to say kick him out, but you do what you need to, when the time is right. Hang in there - take care, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.

Last edited by CarlyO; 11-22-2008 at 04:57 PM.. Reason: spelling -of course : )
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Unread 11-30-2008, 02:15 PM   #9
jerryg
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Mary Ellen,
I hope you were able to have a a nice Thanksgiving with your family. Sorry to hear of your continued struggles with your husband's drinking. You're working really hard it seems.
Let's hope things improve.

Jerry
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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