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Unread 02-08-2016, 03:54 PM   #51
Millie
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Sammmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

If you have clouds, we might be able to help them dry up a little. This group is full of that, you know. Well, not hot air, as that may have sounded. More like rain-busting love...
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Unread 02-08-2016, 07:28 PM   #52
Sam Bailey
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Hey Folks

Millie, sorry for being so tardy in replying (uh, not replying) to all the kind comments posted on this thread---the one YOU built for me, you good and decent and sweet person!

I'm sure I'll soon snap out of this crappy funk I'm currently in. It's not one of those "dark clouds" that sometimes stalks us all, each after the other. It is a cloud though, if I'm honest.

I should mention, I suppose, that there have been some changes at the ol Sam Clan Homestead. Nothing dramatic, really. Nothing troublesome. Nothing sad, except whatever is roiling inside of me.

One thing, a good thing, is that my son recently accepted a new job. Oh boy, it's been a long time since he's worked full time. Years. And we're all delighted, and so thankful, that this good thing has happened.

Thing is, the house is now empty, but for Ruby and me. During the day, I mean. Now of course this is precisely how it should be! Right?! Yes!

And goodness knows, I have plenty of 'stuff going on to stay busy.

Yet, I'm lonely. For Noah? Yes I am. But (again) if I'm honest, there's more to my melancholy than just his absence.

I fear that if I even ATTEMPTED to describe all my melancholic ways I would bore you all into a permanent coma. Nonetheless. Maybe I'll take a stab at it, at some of those dreary ways, another time.

Just not now.

Another thing? I know how lucky I am. I know this. I do. Yet every moment, the shadows creep closer. WTH!

I should have my damn head examined. Ha!

Anyway.

Thank you all, You Princes of Maine, You Kings of New England.

best,

sam
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Unread 02-08-2016, 08:02 PM   #53
Millie
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Thanks for writing, Sam. Do feel free to attempt to bore us with whatever's on your mind, of course, whenever you feel like it. If you feel like it.

I hear it's possible to get SAD even when the sun is shining...

but then, I also know all about melancholy for what can feel like not a lot of rational reasons. I saw a mouse at the grocery store the other day (kept it a secret, of course, because I didn't want anyone to hurt the poor little guy, so tiny and alone...) and suddenly the fate of the world was on my shoulders and I lost my s*** entirely. YAY FEELINGS. Funny how we can get so caught up in what we "should" be feeling about this or that, it can fold right on in on itself and become something other than it really is.

Anyhow. I hope your funk lifts soon. Please keep checking in as you're able, if you don't mind. We, I, care about you.
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Unread 02-08-2016, 10:05 PM   #54
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Sam, Millie said it well and yes, please vent, it helps and you are worth listening too. You are also a really good writer and I like to see you post. Take care and may your days be bright.
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Unread 02-14-2016, 03:01 PM   #55
Alexis
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Sam, how you doing? I miss you x
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Unread 02-22-2016, 05:59 PM   #56
Millie
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Bumping this up a little. Sam, how are you?
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Unread 02-26-2016, 08:34 AM   #57
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miss you x
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Unread 03-02-2016, 07:10 PM   #58
Alexis
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Hows the knees Sam?! x
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Unread 03-04-2016, 09:50 AM   #59
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon dearest Sam. Bright blessings to you.

Yes, indeedy.

Your love so refreshingly honest and your intentions so beautifully noble, so you end your letters to me with "Your friend Sam".

The times you chose for interventions are timings of a wise and experienced fellow. I care little about all that malarkey, i just "luv ya ta bits man innit", (as us Londoners tend to say), and you are more than a friend to me, and to the rest of our brothers and sisters here.

You have the perfect balance between, "shucks that's life"....and reaching deeply into another ones soul.

You certainly reach and touch mine.
Very, very special.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam
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Unread 03-04-2016, 10:44 PM   #60
gmasusie
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Sam, I sometimes think that only other alcoholics can understand the malaise you describe. My dad used to call it melancholia. I hope it lifts along with the cold weather. Love you.
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Unread 03-14-2016, 09:39 AM   #61
Alexis
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How you doing Sam, missing you lots xx
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Unread 04-03-2016, 03:06 PM   #62
Sam Bailey
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Hi Folks!

What a glorious Sunday Morning in Los Angeles, it is glorious indeed. So much for so many to be grateful for. I feel those blessings regularly. Not always though, no. I still glimpse moments of darkness, those frightening ghosts from my past. Yet today, a shadowy glimpse is okay. Not great, but tolerable.

See, I know, I really do know!! that I can deny it permanence in my life, these dark moments, unlike too many of those terrible times during my bad old days.

Today, I can defend against that heartpain. I can. I and my Higher Power, whom I call God. That's God with a great ol capital "G!" Ha!

Life happens though; it moves forward still. Nothing we can go to stop it. Both the good.....and the not so good.

This past week, I had my bestest/favoritest grandson (now 15) spend the entire week with us. Good Lord, what a blessing that was! So much fun; so many cool things we did, so darn tired I am now. Ha!

Yet good in every way.

My brother-in-law, older by just a few months, also visited for a couple of days during this time. He's a good man, a generous man and his sister (Mrs. Sam) loves him to pieces. We also had a blast. But then, he wasn't feeling well. Not fully. It's his heart.

Then yesterday, after he had flown home to Mass, he ended up in the ER, then on the operating table where, of a sudden, he began to fade away. Other words, he began to die.

In the last few minutes before he was pronounced dead, he was brought back to life. A miracle? I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe just good docs and good medicine.

In any case, he survived.

My point? Truth is, I don't really know.

William Styron wrote in his magical book, "Sophie's Choice" (among many magical observations), how can it be reconciled that one person can be standing in a gas chamber in Auschwitz during the holocaust about to die a horrible death while, at the SAME damn time!, another person can be drinking an ice cold root beer at an A and W Root Beer Stand in small town America?

How is that even conceivable? Much less fair on some cosmic level?

Now, no, NO! I'm not comparing those two events, the Styron story and my recent week. Yet, the similarities give me pause. I was having so much fun with my beautiful grandson, not a care in the world. But then, at/near the same time, a man we all love was in the hospital dying.

Two separate events, separate in all ways, happening at the same time. Good and Evil coexisting?

Thing is, how is a person supposed to feel---knowing not that any specific thing like that is happening, likely we do not know. Yet we do know that events like that are regularly happening to some people, somewhere. People ARE suffering while we sip a coke with ice.

Anyway. So I'm at my doctor re my knee dealios and this subject comes up. Just a brief talk, and what does he do? Offers me Ambien for sleep issues and Xanax for stress.

And that, IDK simply strikes me as cosmically funny.

Sorry. I'm just...oh hell, I don't know what I'm doing. Ha!

sam
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Unread 04-03-2016, 03:48 PM   #63
Alexis
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Sam, really great post, makes me think a LOT. Im lucky. Ok, maybe my benefits will be taken, maybe ill hear very bad news this week, maybe ill struggle with a tiny amount of money. But people do have it worse, im lucky i have friends, and family, and for now, a roof over my head. Ill deal with the issue when/if it arises. I will try to be grateful with what i have.

Thank you Sam. I love you very much xxx
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Unread 04-04-2016, 11:33 AM   #64
R. Lee
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Sam, My thoughts are with you, your wife I brother in law. Great things & horrible things both happening to your family. Sounds like you are willing to live life on life's terms. Good for you. Other wise we might just drink or drug. You are a inspiration to me & others here. Love & respect, R. Lee
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Unread 04-05-2016, 02:11 PM   #65
Millie
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Wow, what an eventful week.

Those kinds of thoughts have plagued me in the past, causing horrible guilt about being peaceful, happy, content, about enjoying silly things...

I've had to do a LOT of work to not let it take over, and it can still be a daily struggle. Comes down to focusing on what I *can* control, and just doing as much good as I can during the short time I'm here. Not just with intentional actions, but lifestyle choices. It's still really hard though, and there are times when I see suffering and it just kills me inside knowing there's nothing that I personally can do. Meditation and yoga help, but it never fully goes away.

What is certain is that if I go down that rabbit hole of alcohol again, I will not be able to offer even the small amount of good that I am capable of, and that's a much worse guilt.

How are we supposed to feel? I sort of figure that the fact that we feel anything at all around that means that we're good people, doing as much good as we can with the information we have. I think that's more rare than we'd like to know. Some people go entire lifetimes without even considering that.

I'm glad your brother-in-law made it. I'm glad he was with people who care about him when that all happened. Here's to a peaceful, uneventful week ahead...
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Unread 04-06-2016, 01:07 AM   #66
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Sam, Wow! Life continues. Millie, I do believe that the fact that all of us here have contemplated those questions of good and evil contributes to our susceptibility to alcoholism. I believe it also contributes to our relationships on this site. Always with the bad comes the good and vice versa.

Yes, there are times when the best we can wish for is that our week is uneventful!

Love to all, Susie
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Unread 04-10-2016, 07:06 PM   #67
Sam Bailey
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Hey Folks!

Just a brief note on this overcast Sunday afternoon in sunny California, just a couple of thoughts I'd like to share with all of you. A note about----Hummingbirds.

I don't want to overstate my melancholia at the moment. Yet melancholia it is. It is a sadness, I feel it...but God knows it's not a heartache. No. Not a terrible one, anyway.

Yet, beyond the "lite sadness" of the event I'm about to describe, the "event" surely does remind me of what heartaches may come along in all our lives. Do come along, I guess is more accurate.

Anyway.

For the past 16-18 days, I think?, we've had this most beautiful, most incredibly built Hummingbird Nest sitting in a small tree on our front porch, just feet from our front door.

All that time, Mama Hummingbird has been sitting on her two tiny eggs, patient as could be, waiting for her babies to enter the world. We walked by her, oh, scores of times. More than that, likely.

But she didn't care, as long as we didn't get too close. We were ignored. Ha! Oh, but we looked, we Peeping Toms, always hiding behind window curtains and cracks in the door. Of course.

Then.

A week, or so, back, the eggs hatched and those little guys that came out of the eggs were, seriously, they were the tiniest creatures we'd ever seen. Nearly.

As the says passed, we watched Mama fly in, fly out, fly in again, bringing groceries home to her kids, then---going out for more. The rest of the time, she did her Mama thing and sat on them, all nestled and cozy, kept them safe and warm.

More days passed and they grew, they surely did. Amazingly fast.

Then just yesterday, my son and I saw them perched on the side of their nest, standing as still as a Llardro figurine.

Two beauties. Mom makes three. Three beautiful and wondrous creatures.

Now they're gone.

Some time in the night, last night, or early this morning, they left their safe home to, what, to live their lives, I guess. Just as they're supposed to do. Right? It's the natural order of things, isn't it?

Now the nest is empty. No life in it. Not any longer. Quiet.

So, I feel a melancholy, I do. What did I think, they were going to move in with us, become Ruby's best friends? No, of course not.

But still.

Now they're gone.

What once was so vibrant and alive is now quiet. It makes me sad, "lite sad," as I said up top. But still.

Also, it makes me think about (of course this is it, mostly all of "it") it makes me think about my kids leaving home, as my daughter has already done, taking my beautiful grandkids with her. My son, thank God, will soon be living on his own too.

All of this is the right thing, the natural order of things, of life.

But...but it is just so quiet now. Now that a part of my/our history has gone. Its just sad, "lite" or not.

Just thinking out loud, via my sticky keyboard, that is.

thanks for listening.

sam
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Unread 04-11-2016, 10:01 AM   #68
Alexis
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What a lovely, but very sad story Sam. Kind of beautiful too, the way you write. Kind of calm and i could picture the birds, then the emptiness.

Thanks for sharing, its got me thinking about a lot.

Love to you xxx
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Unread 04-11-2016, 10:44 AM   #69
R. Lee
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Sam, As I read your Hummingbird story I thought it was going to have a tragic end. I must say I was relieved with the end but I get what you were saying. Our Ruby Throat Hummingbirds should be back for the summer in the next month. I have seen their nest before but never the eggs of baby's. They are a joy to watch.

Have a great day Sam. We are blessed.
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Unread 04-11-2016, 03:26 PM   #70
Millie
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How beautiful. (Little PSA here to everyone: when you see a nest, it's best to not look too much, as crows and jays and other predators watch us for cues, and will eat eggs and baby birds.)

I am so glad they made it. That doesn't always happen. When I was doing bird research, my job was to find and monitor nests for ten species of songbirds. When I found nests, I went back weekly to track their progress until they were empty. One week there would be chicks in the nest, the next week they'd be gone. They fledge so fast - it only takes a day or two. I never got to know whether they were preyed upon or if they'd fledged. Except once. It was a pacific slope flycatcher nest. I just happened to be there on the actual fledging day. I stayed there so long, at a good distance with my camouflage clothing and binoculars. It was so lovely I cried.

I'm sorry you're feeling melancholy. You're reminding me of how I felt when I knew my spider Geranium was gone. She'd been in one corner of my bathroom for more than a year and a half. Same spot. We had people over for new year's eve that year, and I told my guests about her so they wouldn't "take care of" that spider for us. She started being more mobile, and one day she was gone. I was so sad. But about six months later, a smaller one of the same species took up residence in the same spot, and is still there.

There's such beauty and pain in attachment. To critters, people, ideas...

You're so fortunate to have gotten to see such a wonderful process. And you're a good person for knowing that. Love to you, Sam.
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Unread 04-14-2016, 12:38 AM   #71
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I agree with Millie. RLee tells us to make a gratitude list. My includes that Monty and I (and Rip) had the same opportunity as you, to view the evolution of the cycle of life of hummingbirds. How many people in the world are so lucky? I feel the same way about my children. How sad that they are "gone" off in the world. How lucky I was to have them for a little while.

Monty and I fed a scrub jay (beautiful and smart blue bird of the desert) until he became quite time. He would almost get on our hands. He would literally eat out of our hands. One day I heard a crash at the picnic table, and Bridget, our 50-pound terrier, had the scrub jay in her mouth; it was all over. I grieved and had to work not to blame myself for leading the jay into the jaws of death.

At least your family went on to live their lives. Take care, Sam. Maybe the hummers will come back later in the year or next year.

Love you, Susie
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Unread 04-14-2016, 02:44 PM   #72
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How you doing Sam? xx
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Unread 04-17-2016, 05:47 PM   #73
Sam Bailey
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Alexis,

I am well, thanks for asking. Oh sure, my knees ache, sometimes they're so achy, even painful, that they wake me during the night. Wa-Wa-Wa, right? Ha! But then, a little TLC (as in a two hand massage) and some Advil and, in a short while, I'm okay. Usually.

To be clear, I certainly don't let my achy knees stop my Running Program. They do ALTER it, though, that's a damn fact. But that's another tale-o-woe for another time.

Today I have two specific things on my poor old once-addled mind. Ha! I think.....

First, you'll recall my Hummingbird Story. Haven't seen them, Mom or kids, since that last night. And that's okay. They're out living their lives, as well they should, I'm sure.

This time the story is CROWS.

Truth is, I like crows, despite their somewhat devilish reputation. They're incredibly smart; they build and use tools to fetch food and within their species, they're quite social. Tight with their families, especially. Lots of good things to say about the crow.

Just don't get on their bad side. Cause, they also remember human faces. They do! A human face, one or more. Really. Look it up. So next time you have some crow dive bombing you while screeching who knows what curses at you, ask yourself: what did I do to that crow to piss him off so badly? HaHa!

Of course, if you feed them, if you leave, say, a shiny trinket for them, if you're "nice" to them, they can remember that too. That it was YOU who did them a solid.

Now HOW they interpret that, how they pass that info down to other generations (which they also do) and all that jazz, I surely don't know.

Yep, I like crows. But there is another point to this story.

See, a couple of nights ago, something really crappy happened to this one family of neighborhood crows. These guys, a Mom, Dad and their two babies, lived in the top of a huge palm tree across the street from my house. It's a towering thing, this palm tree---and it always sways when the wind comes up, though the wind rarely blows hard.

A slow wind, a gentle and easy sway at the top of the tree. So it seems to me.

But something happened to the wind.

It began to blow hard, really hard. And suddenly we had, for Southern California, a howling windstorm,

Santa Ana Winds Gone Wild!

So about 6:20 am, just as Mrs. Sam was leaving our driveway, bound for work, she saw Mom and Dad Crow circling low in the sky, just above the street, straight down from their nest in the palm tree.

They were clearly distraught, squawking and flying in sudden dips and turns, swooping around this one area in the street. Actually, it sounded like they were screaming. Not continuously, but every so often.

I might be imagining that. I'm not certain.

Anyway.

As Mrs. Sam looked to the street under the crows, she saw both their chicks lying in the street. Dead.

The nest was strewn all across the street. It was a goddam disaster. For the crows, that's for certain.

And as I looked at their babies, small and weak, broken and dead in the street, I thought: hell, they had no chance to survive. None. The fall likely killed them immediately, it was a couple hundred feet tall, that tree. Add to that the elements, a hard wind and a cold night, they were certainly dead before morning.

And Mom and Dad Crow could not save them. I thought this too. My God, to be so helpless. My good God, that's hard, that's cruel.

I know that animals grieve, some animals, and some animals grieve more than others. Crows have been known to stage a "funeral" for a dead family member. Why? Are they sad? Are they grieving?

I don't know. Yet whatever, animal or not, that's got to hurt, in some fashion, by some degree.

The crows, I mean---it must hurt them. But then, I do not know. I am only guessing.

For us though, my wife, my son, me---it hurt. A little. More than that, actually. At least me, I felt sad.

I wish I could have freakin saved them! Just as I wish I could save all of us.

I guess that's it. Right? That's really the whole deal. I feel as helpless and powerless as that poor Mom and Dad.

Anyway.

There is something else on that "addled mind" of mine, but not for now. Not today. maybe another time.

best,

sam

Last edited by Sam Bailey; 04-17-2016 at 05:54 PM..
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Unread 04-17-2016, 06:34 PM   #74
lostdog
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Oh Sam that story is sad.I see it when you take a cow from his moma. Utter heartache.I have seen so many bird nests lots of stories, where birds did not survive because of nest location. But I have only seen probably 9/10 nests little chicks grow up to fly from the nest. I think that's why they have so many birds. I've always cared for them and prayed especially hard. Sometimes I just cry at all the animals and people who suffer everyday. Your soft heart helps me and I know it helped those birds.
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Unread 04-18-2016, 12:10 AM   #75
gmasusie
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We are all "Catchers in the Rye." Some say that's why we drink, because we are sensitive to the suffering in the world and recognize our helplessness. You're a good man, Sam, and so is Ms. Sam and children. I'm glad we have you here.

Love, Susie
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Unread 04-18-2016, 07:30 AM   #76
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Hi Sam, have you seen this Nature documentary? I think you may enjoy it.
http://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/a-mur...oduction/5838/

A Murder of Crows
About
Premiere date: October 24, 2010
Crows live everywhere in the world except Antarctica and are a part of myths and legends in many cultures. Their reputation in the stories varies from comical to frightening, godlike or wise, bringers of light and bringers of death, though a “murder” of crows refers to a flock of crows, and not to anything murderous, at all. They may be all these things, but what we are learning is that they are especially smart.

New research has shown that they are among the most intelligent animals on the planet. They use tools as only elephants and chimpanzees do, and recognize 250 distinct calls. One particular talent they have been discovered to possess is the ability to recognize individual human faces and pick them out of a crowd up to two years later – a trick that might make even Hitchcock shiver with fright.

They thrive wherever people live and have used their great intelligence to adapt again and again to a constantly changing world. Some memorize garbage truck routes, and follow the feast from day to day. Others drop nuts in the road and wait for passing cars to crack them open. And some build their nests from items we throw away – like wire clothes hangers.

These are social birds that mate for life and raise their young for up to five years. And they learn from each other’s misfortunes. When one is killed in a farmer’s field, it’s not uncommon for them to change entire migratory patterns so that no crows fly over that field for as long as two years.

These birds might have a scary reputation, but what may prove to be the scariest thing about them is how much they know about us, and how little we know about them!


Nancy
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Unread 04-18-2016, 08:42 AM   #77
Alexis
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Sam <3 you are a good soul. I have a raven tattoo on my arm, i used to hallucinate them everywhere.

I hope you feel better.

Love you xxx
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Unread 04-18-2016, 09:14 AM   #78
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Great story Sam. Have a great day.
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Unread 04-18-2016, 04:38 PM   #79
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Hi Sam. Thank you for telling your story. I may have mentioned this before, but crows are my Thing. I have a tattoo of one, and I just love them to bits. They take my breath away. When I was thinking about doing a Ph.D. program, it was going to be crow-based, and for a while I got to help out with capturing and banding crows. I got to hold them in my hands! That was one of the most magical, unbelievable things I've ever had the fortune to do. And when I did bird research out in the field, I was working for the foremost crow researcher in the country. I love them.

Your story is heartbreaking. Of course you know there was nothing you could have done. That's the hardest part. And I think it would be a disservice (personally) to think they don't get sad. That's a pretty basic function of our brains, which to me speaks to its oldness in our evolution. I figure any animal with a brain can get sad. It's right there as basic as pain.

A few years ago I was on my way home from a gig, and I saw a crow in the middle of the street. We pulled over, and my husband walked over to it... it was alive, but broken. So I carried it on my lap, and we drove to a neighboring city, to a 24-hour veterinarian that had a connection with a wildlife rehab center. We left it there, and I was just so sad for it. I think it had been hit by a car. When I called the next day, they let us know that it had not made it. I imagine they'd had to euthanize it. At least it was no longer suffering.

Wow, sorry to add more sad. So often when I'm out and about and I see an animal living among our constructions and our trash and our general disregard, I get so sad about what they have to deal with because of us. The human guilt runs deep. I'm so sorry this happened, and that you were a witness. But I bet it changed you a little, so it's not for nothing. And it's early enough in the season, they'll likely nest again (oh, and when they do divebomb you, you may not have done anything wrong -- they do that a lot during the spring when they have a nest nearby).

Thank you for having a sensitive enough soul to take note, and to feel. I think that what we radiate out into the world mentally, emotionally, is real and gets absorbed. So maybe they feel just a little bit of relief from absorbing the sympathy you're generating.
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Unread 04-19-2016, 08:12 PM   #80
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Dearest Sam. Good evening. Bright blessings to you.

I am absolutely stunned. (Nancy)

This family hears things that most do not. It does mean as a family we hear everything.

We are built to, because we have had to.

Sam?

The beauty and wonderment you always have in your swagger, voice and heart, is frankly not only unsurpassed, yet makes me cry.

You are so very special.

Nancy?.....that certainly blew me off my branch.

Here we can put aside "our lives". Each time you send us your love Sam, everything is put aside.

You sharpen all our pencils, and focus us with the click of the fingers. Where we wander off into our seas and oceans of nonsense, so you are there.

You know folk when they have been drinking say "i luv ya" before they fall over? Having "been that very fellow, and some", when i say "i love you", it frankly sounds a bit "odd".

First of all i have told lamp posts i have loved them. Indeed. (I went back to find one.....alas....Sam, they had taken it away. Consequences of drink driving), so no light over my head anymore.

Ok, enough already!......how does..... i love you sound?

Whys that then?

All of us, here today. Dodgy knees and all.

We mould into each other. So we do.

We all share so many of the same circumstances, yet the experiences are different to us all. That is why we found this family.

Dearest Sam.

I luv ya

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dearest Sam
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Unread 04-20-2016, 01:05 AM   #81
gmasusie
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Me too, Sam.
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Unread 04-25-2016, 07:44 AM   #82
Alexis
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How are you Sam? xx
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Unread 04-25-2016, 02:51 PM   #83
Millie
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What else was on your "addled mind," Sam?

How are you?
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Unread 04-25-2016, 03:05 PM   #84
Sam Bailey
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Hey Alexis,

You ask how I am? Well, since you asked.....

.....I don't feel well. And I don't feel good.

My body hurts, knees up. Worse, I guess, my mind hurts. My heart? Ah, gag me. That is so cornball! But ok, it hurts too, my heart. I suppose.

Thing is, I have so much to be thankful for, including the continued sobriety of my beautiful son. And I am thankful. I am. For so much.

Bottom line?

I'm just not too crazy about Sam these days. Always have had a problem with that guy. Like him some days, some days I have even loved him. Plenty other days though that I think he's a crappy, failed, dishonest person, and I really have little use for him.

Problem is, he wont leave me alone. Follows me everywhere I go. I turn around, there he is. So, I need to accept him, I know this. Need to accept that he's a flawed person, flawed but not bad. I need to accept this then embrace the s.o.b.

But on some days, days like today, I just don't like him well enough to make that move. Can barely tolerate him, to be honest, So instead of accepting him, I push him away instead.

That Sam, does the man have an authentic bone in his body? Some days, I think he does. No, I know he does. I do. But if that's true, why not all days At least why not more days?

He disappoints me so, that guy Sam.

Blah blah blah blah blah.....

Sorry guys. Just a hard day. And I'm feeling sorry for my dumbass-self.

Sorry for both of us, me and that Sam guy.

***Edited to say, Hey Millie I hope your weekend was terrific!!

later,

sb
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Unread 04-25-2016, 03:22 PM   #85
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Sam whenever you write, i feel youre writing about me too...not the knees part thankfully on my part, my knees are ok. I dont use them enough, need to get off my lazy ass more often.

But the not liking Sam, him following you around? Yeah, alexis does the same and i dont like her much either lately.

I hope you can see yourself the way we do...i hope i can see myself the way you all do!! I suppose we keep talking to each other, we discuss our flaws, we revel in our joys, we are all human. Today i feel sad but proud of Iamtrying, for being honest and human and wonderful. I know he will start over and do even better.

Love you sam, youre one of the good ones. You are kind, beautiful spirit and im glad youre here xxx
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Unread 04-25-2016, 03:29 PM   #86
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I realize I often respond with posts about myself -- it's not that I'm narcissistic (I don't think), I just can't tell you what to do, and can really only share my own experience in the hope that if there are no nuggets of inspiration there, at least you know you're not alone.

Now that that disclaimer is done: boy do I understand that. I have gone through so many extended periods of not liking myself. What I've found is that I have needed to differentiate between what is changeable and what is not. Seems like there should be some kind of prayer about that...

The things that are changeable ("crappy... dishonest"), well, those can be dealt with. For me, those things are generally actions or behaviors that make me feel like a hypocrite. So when I get down, I try to figure out ways to modify those behaviors.

The things that aren't changeable ("failed"), well, you were correct to put that in the past tense. That's my word too, and I have spent extensive mental and emotional resources trying to place them in that Bygones section where they belong. I failed to get into three different grad schools, and it pressed my Failure button for an inordinately long time. Didn't help that my best friend was having greater and greater successes the more I failed. BUT. Now, a year and a half later, I realize how stupid it would have been if I'd succeeded. Failure is always relative. And we tend to focus on so many of the wrong things. I'm seeing this now.

We do ALL need to accept ourselves. But do we need to accept ourselves as-is? Not always, in my book. If we're moving forward, making changes that will make us more tolerable to ourselves, it gets easier. If you don't accept yourself, make yourself acceptable. And from my experience, when people don't like me, I think it's because they haven't bothered to get to know me. I know people tend to think that age means we know ourselves, but I might suggest that maybe you just haven't gotten to know Sam well enough?

I think you have a kindness in your heart that a lot of people lack, and that a lot of men won't admit to. I actually like you a lot, as a person, from what I've seen here. And I know we may tend to put a sheen on ourselves when we write, but I think we see glimpses of each other.
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Unread 04-25-2016, 06:33 PM   #87
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Sam,Is there something in the water today? Missing loved ones here who are not posting. Some that have chosen to drink again.

Buddy our best thinking got us here. I love you like the everyone here does.

You are going to be OK & OK is good enough for me. Lots of Hugs for our Sam!!

Last edited by R. Lee; 04-25-2016 at 06:37 PM..
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Unread 04-25-2016, 08:00 PM   #88
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Folks!

You guys are great. All of 'youse!

I'll be okay. I'm sure I will.

And RLee? You're right, "ok" IS good enough. Sometimes I don't remember this. Not often enough, anyway.

Big thanx!

sam
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Unread 04-26-2016, 10:11 PM   #89
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Sam, I hope you are feeling better about yourself. In my insignificant mind you are the MAN! Thanks for being here.
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Unread 04-26-2016, 11:01 PM   #90
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Good evening dearest Sam. Bright blessings to you.

Goodness gracious me.

I am so sorry Sam. I have been that far up my arse.

"Definitions".

What is "good enough"?

What makes a good person, a good Dad, a good friend, a good mentor........actually what is the definition of "good"?

If it is the best we can be...no one trys harder than you. Your efforts transpire into love for others that make them try to be the best they can be.

Inspiration comes from others "catching hold of positivity"....what instinctively feels right.

Your very being brings all of that with it.

A "nip n tuck", (well being where you are i should image you know where not to go as the dodgy places mean folk are melting on the pave...oh...sidewalk), just pop those awful feelings into your lips....things you never want to remember into your buttocks, take away your natural frown....and pop a new one in. 2 Litres of white paint on your teeth.......now tell me you do not feel like a new man already?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Keep smiling. Loveness to you dearest Sam
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Unread 04-27-2016, 10:41 AM   #91
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Well, Sam, some days are just better than others, think of yourself as one of us and the way you write and pick us up. I read somewhere that wrote, " what gives you the right to cut yourself down" it hellps me when times are bad. take care, you are sooooo smart and kind and I just really value what you say and depend on your strength. You are so worth it!
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Unread 04-27-2016, 02:15 PM   #92
R. Lee
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Sam, Our best thinking got us here didn't it.
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Unread 04-27-2016, 02:19 PM   #93
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LOVE YOU SO MUCH Sam.... xx
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Unread 05-03-2016, 03:33 PM   #94
Millie
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Sam, how are you?
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Unread 05-03-2016, 09:15 PM   #95
Sam Bailey
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Hey Millie!

I'm good. Thanks for asking.

Ok. Not THAT good, to be clear. As I noted in another post (ok, several posts), my knees are so-way-very-effed-up.....and I'm such a wuss. Ha!

Seriously though? I'm in total withdrawals from not-running. I mean, damn, I barely know what in hades to do with myself...when not running.

Oh Millie, I could go on...and on. Mrs. Sam and I had a few harsh words last night. Always hate that, I do. All's well today, though. Nothing serious.

The urgent Care doc I saw this weekend? She offered me drugs, Norco the proffered script that she suggested. Ha!

Cripes, it wasn't THAT long ago that I spent most weekends searching for such things-and now, when it's offered, I say no.

Yet, as I noted in another post, that bell WAS rung. I heard it, I mean. No doubt, I heard it clearly.

Those days, my Days of Wine and Norco, were such bad times. So many memories I have of those times, ugly times they were, toward the end, that is. Especially in the end.

Anyway.

I just slathered a big ol glob of Bengay onto my knee. Is it "onto" or "on?" Well, I applied it to my knees, both knees actually. Luv the smell. Reckon I'll find a spot that Mrs. Sam will allow me and my Bengay to sit on...and we'll then sit.

So there.

Thanks, Millie.

best,

sam
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Unread 05-03-2016, 09:39 PM   #96
lostdog
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man I hope your knees get less rickety soon. I can think of some exercises you can do to get those enorphins going that are low impact. Rest and get well soon.
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Unread 05-04-2016, 07:08 AM   #97
Alexis
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Sam sorry your knees are so bad...whats the plan in the long term? to get them better? xx
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Unread 05-04-2016, 01:59 PM   #98
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Oh dear, do I know how awful it is to be sidelined. I injured myself right around the time I was rejected by the three grad schools I applied to, and had to stop running for a few months. Worst depression I've had in years. I was even too self-pity-filled to do the things I *was* able to do. As I'm sure you know, running gives you all those nice endorphins, so when you stop, there is a legitimate withdrawal.

So you know what I'm gonna ask -- can your knees handle other things? Biking? Elliptical? Swimming? Swinging from vines in the jungle? Something rhythmic to get the blood pumping and the endorphins going. When I had my stress fracture late last year, I'd've gone straight down into a pit if I hadn't forced myself right away to start doing other things. While my husband doesn't always love that I spend a few hours most weekends running, he remembers how I was without it, and appreciates that I'm a much nicer person now.

Okay, lecture over. You didn't ask for advice...

I really really hope that you can find some relief for your knees, and for your heart, and I'm glad you had the self-knowledge to turn away the meds. (And I love the smell of Ben-Gay too!)
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Unread 05-04-2016, 02:45 PM   #99
Sam Bailey
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Hey Guys!

Big thanks to all of you. As I've recently said, y'all are the best!

"Y'all?" Sheesh, must be the injury. Brings out the Tom Joad in me every time. Ha!

**Side note: Truth is, I am "related" to Tom Joad, as all genuine Okies are.

Although I'm not from Oklahoma, both my Mom 'n Dad are...and like gazillions of other Okies," they came to California during the infamous Dust Bowl, bumper to bumper with all the other Joads.

They were truly "Grapes of Wrath" dreamers. Dad was 19 when he married my 13 year old Mom which, back then, in Oklahoma, wasn't terribly unusual.

Anyway. Once in Bakersfield, they lived in Canvas Covered Cabins in Crowded Labor Camps (thanks, Merle H!) and together they worked in the fields and sheds of Rosedale and Pumpkin Center. 40 cents an hour, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I believe it was 40 cents. Tule fog? Worked. 110 degree summer days? Worked. Sick? Yep, no rest for the weary.

Years later, my Dad and I would get into some pretty heated arguments every time Caesar Chavez and the Farm Labor Union idea came up. Despite being worked half to death, without a single benefit, Dad loved the owners, while I gave my allegiance to Chavez.

Boy, would we get into it.

Truth is, I was a dumbass 16 year old know it all kid. But on this matter (all other politics aside), I was right. Sorry Dad. Ha! Geez, I miss him, despite all his demons. Mom, too. Despite hers. Brother. Grandmother. Uncles. All gone. Where the hell did they all go?

Whew! Where'd THAT come from? Ha!!

Pleeze!! keep the advice coming! I think I have my endorphin production covered...will have, I mean---in a week or so. But any other advice, hints or orders!, send 'em my way. Thanks.

sam
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Unread 05-04-2016, 03:04 PM   #100
Millie
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That is one of my favorite books. Ever. The turtle chapter? Come on!!

I don't know about Joad-relation, but some of my family settled in Bakersfield too. Love your stream-of-consciousness posts.
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