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Unread 03-30-2016, 11:34 AM   #1
Tryingtodoright
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Posts: 3
Unhappy I'm Heartbroken

I've known that my boyfriend had a drinking problem for a long time. I've been trying to stand by him and help him. I've been trying to set limits and I drew a line in the sand. Just over a week ago, the last time he got drunk, I told him if he did it again, we were going to separate. I feel like shit that I'm not entirely following through with it.
Last night, he did something utterly unacceptable. Yesterday afternoon, he asked to keep my car while I was at work. He has his daughter this week. I love that little girl like she's my own child. He said he needed the keys so he could run to his mother's and get her bed and clothes and other necessities. I just asked him to move in with a few days ago. I got off work at 11 pm and walked outside the building. My boss and 2 other men were standing around my boyfriend and had taken his keys. He was drunk. I never in a million years though he would drink and drive with that precious child in the car. She's his world. I don't understand it. He could have killed her. I can't even describe the anger I'm feeling. I brought them both home and put her to bed and he passed out.
This morning I told him that we were over. He cried and begged. I agreed to give him one more chance. His mother is coming over later to pick him and his daughter up and to take all their stuff. I'm making him move out. I told him that I don't want to hear from him for a few days. And I told him that was the last straw. If he has even one more sip of anything alcoholic, we're through. I mean it.
Am I doing the right thing? I don't know how to help him. He finally admitted that he is an alcoholic. Up until now, he kept insisting that he could control it. Today, he finally admitted that he can't. So, were do I go from here? How do I help him? I don't want to enable him. I want support him while he fixes himself.
I love him with all my heart. I'm not doing this to punish him. I'm trying to help him and I don't know how else to go about it. I made sure he realized that he could have killed her. I told him he broke my heart and my trust. I let him know that I can't trust him with anything anymore and I will believe his promise to give up alcohol when I see it. I let him know that there is nothing he can say to fix things between us. Actions are all I will accept from now on.
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Unread 04-01-2016, 06:27 AM   #2
NancyB
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Hi Tryingtodoright, welcome. In my opinion, you did the right thing. While it's great that he admitted to having a problem, until HE gets help, there's nothing you can do except for stand your ground. You can be there to support him, but until, as you said, he takes action on getting help for his illness, there is nothing more you can do.

Is his daughter safe? Am I correct in assuming that they are both staying with his mother? That little girl's safety is really the most important thing right now. If he continues to put her life in danger, that is totally inexcusable.

How are you doing? It's important that you take care of you during all of this. Have you thought about looking into Alanon where others are going through/have gone through similar circumstances?
http://www.al-anon.org/

This is a link to the Family and Friends section of AlcoholAnswers. Maybe there are things in there that are helpful also:
http://alcoholanswers.org/friends-family/

Please let us know how you're doing.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 04-01-2016, 10:27 AM   #3
R. Lee
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Tryingtodoright, Welcome to the site. I am a recovering alcoholic.

You do not have to live like this. Let him go & see if he quits drinking. Not easy choices but your choice.

Some great information from Nancy. Good luck
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Unread 04-04-2016, 02:22 AM   #4
Tryingtodoright
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She is safe. He doesn't have access to a vehicle at all and they are both with his mother.
He hasn't had anything to drink since that night. He's furious with himself.
We're doing well, relationship-wise. I miss him being here. He's never gotten abusive with me. Whether drunk or sober, he's sweet and loving. I've never had anyone treat me better or make me feel more valued, respected, and loved than he does. He's taking this seriously. We were friends for 10 years before we became a couple, so I know him very well. Every time he's set his mind on something, he's done it. I'm holding on to hope that it will be the same with this.
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Unread 04-04-2016, 02:26 AM   #5
Tryingtodoright
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Also, I'm sorry it took me so long to reply to your comments. I've been busy with work and schoolwork - I do college online - and haven't time for much else. I have to keep my life in order while he fixes his. It wouldn't do us any good to take turns being messes.
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Unread 04-04-2016, 06:25 AM   #6
NancyB
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Hi Tryingtodoright, that sounds very promising. Is he doing anything like counseling or going to meetings in addition to not drinking? The fact that he's not drinking is really good, but unless he does some work on himself, it generally is not enough. Most of all, I'm glad that his daughter is safe and that you are keeping busy with your life, as you said, while he fixes his.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 04-04-2016, 06:53 AM   #7
Tryntryagain
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Good morning Tryingtodoitright. Bright blessings to you.

How dreadful this situation you are in. I feel so for you. I also agree with Nancy. If i may.

I have a tale for you so very similar.

I am an alcoholic. Thankfully sober a day at a time. I have been a chronic alcoholic all my life. I am 50. I have 6 children, (all grown up now) and whilst they were growing up i drunk and drove them. Thankfully i never killed them, yet that was luck, not judgement.

I was really ill. I believe alcoholism is an illness i am recovering from. HOWEVER, being ill is simply no excuse for drink driving. The priority here for me is that little girl. Remorse is of no consequence whatsoever. Understanding that you are putting a loved one/ones in mortal danger there is no excuse for.

I am not blowing my trumpet here, but Tryn is a very sweet and loving man. I have never "hurt anyone", i have never been drunk and been abusive to my partners or my children. Infact my children rather liked me when i was drinking because i was, and i quote "funny".

I wonder how "funny" it would have been had i ploughed into another car?

Just because someone is very sweet and loving does not mean they have a massive issue to be dealing with. Sweet and loving people also drink too much and ruin other peoples lives....so they do. I nearly did.

I am so over the moon for you and him that he seems to have realised he had way over stepped the mark. I have tried a zillion times to beat alcoholism on my own. Trust me if anyone can, i can.

I can't.

I have weekly therapy sessions, i come here to share when i am struggling, it is frankly not possible to "do it on your own"......my experience shows "doing it on your own" actually means finding ways to ignore it, and if that does not work, to justify it.

I have no doubt your chap is a good chap. He needs to accept responsibility for this, get some support and move on with you.

Take it from me...."i won't do it again" simply does not work.

Maybe, (just a suggestion), maybe you could ask him to come and have a look at our alcohol forum, (to me a family), just to have a read through some of our journeys and i am absolutely sure should he do so, he will see there is nothing to be frightened of. That there is loving and compassionate support out there.

I would suggest, (as happened for me) that he would not have dreamt of driving his little girl around whilst in drink. I feel it "sorta happened"....therein lies a problem i am sure he is not happy with.

There is help....some of it right here.

What about you though? This is not your battle, put frankly, this is not your problem, it is your dear chaps issue. I can also tell how much you love this fellow.

I really have to support Nancy here. You MUST get on with your life while he sorts his. I have experience to share if you do not.

I dragged everyone down with me. I did not mean to, i did not know i was...i did though.

Sure things are different now. They are because i accepted i had a serious, serious problem. I found the help that works for me, now i can hold my head up.

I am sure he will find a way of getting some support with this and when he has done so i am sure your relationship will flourish as the love you have is phenomenal.

Just 1 last thing. It is ENTIRELY possible for the dear chap to get over and move on from this.

I started drinking at 8 years old. After many interventions and lots and lots of support, today i am sober. 1 day at a time.

My love, thought and strength with you both today.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Tryingtodoitright.
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Unread 04-07-2016, 01:34 PM   #8
lostdog
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if he is upset and quits, that may be the low trigger for him to know he understands he cannot drink and the harm he causes with it. I do suggest counseling, peer support, and a lot of self work for him to continue to stay away from alcohol like Nancy stated.
he is lucky to have you as support, just don't ever enable him t drink. You may have to get help through Al-anon for support. Just some ideas you may know. I struggle to not drink, so I know. Best wishes and much support to you!
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