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Unread 11-20-2015, 01:51 PM   #1
stayingclean
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Default Can I ever have a relationship with my alcoholic mother?

First of all, I wouldn't dare cast the first stone, being as I struggled with addiction problems myself... (Recovering drug addict). However, for the past 8 years my mom has become not only a functioning alcoholic, but also someone I don't even recognize anymore.
When I lost my son a little over 9 years ago, I developed a horrible addiction to pills.... My mother and I were best friends back then... she could feel my pain of course and I'm sure that has something to do with her drinking problem. Yet on top of that, my grandma passed.... My step dad was caught having an affair and my mom's best friend passed... All within two years from the time my son passed. (It was my first experience with death and one of her firsts as well).
My mom can carry a full time, very stressful, high end job without her co workers catching on to her drinking because she drinks at night.... From the time she gets home at 5:30 until she passes out at 8 pm. She stayed with my step father for monetary reasons. I know she loves him but doesn't respect him. He wouldn't dare say anything about her drinking because he's scared to death that she would leave him..
My daughter is named after my mother and next to never sees her. (I have avoided holidays, birthdays, get together, etc). She has a VERY strong personality... Speaks her mind... Is tough, but also has a very sensitive side... I have tried more times than I can count to discuss her drinking problem with her, but it always backfires. My brothers are passive and look the other way... Yet feel the same way I do?!
The holidays are coming up and it gets harder and harder every year when I start feeling sentimental and miss deeply the way she used to be. She has refused counseling of any sort... (That's for the weak!!! As my mom would put it).
If my mom didn't turn into this angry beast so to speak when she drank, I could grin and bear it for a few hours... Believe Mr... But she's not a happy person to say the least. And when she drinks she says the most hurtful and horrible things. Not only to me, but to everyone else who may be in the room as well. Help!!!
Any advice so greatly appreciated!!!
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Unread 11-20-2015, 07:03 PM   #2
Sam Bailey
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Hi StayingClean,

Welcome to AddictionSurvivors. I think you'll find a terrific group of people here, genuine folks, kind and loving---but also straight-shooters. Our advice may not be always right (may not, ha!) but it's always meant to help.

Saying that, lemme now say that you probably aren't going to like what I have to say. Please though, listen with a wide open heart and mind.

Your Mom, despite all the suffering she's endured for so many years, must "suffer" the consequences of her actions/behaviors before she will ever fully understand that those negative behaviors have limitations. As in, her crappy behavior WILL cause her to be alone. She ain't gonna change until she sees that she's really being called on her bullshyte.

And that, dear, is what you need to do. Draw clear boundaries and then hold your Mom to those boundaries. If she exceeds them, remove yourself from her presence.

Sure, let her know that this is what you're going to do. Of course, she will scoff, she will curse you, mock you. She'll get a big ol laugh at your insolence.

But by God, leave her to soak in her poisonous juices, when she cops that kind of childish attitude, that kind of drunken behavior!

Thing is, YOU have also suffered more trauma than any parent ought to ever suffer. For that, I am so, so sorry.

However, you've paid a price...and it's time to stop being hurt. Cause see, your Mom is hurting you. She is also hurting inside herself, that I'd bet a buck on. Your little Clan is, like so many of ours, certainly mine was, pretty damn dysfunctional.

Time now to start communicating openly and honestly, with absolute clarity.

A side-note: Please consider joining a support group. There're lots of 'em, as I know you know. For me, the groups associated with AA/NA are superior. But, as noted, there are others.

Check out Al-Anon. This, in case you don't know, is a support group for family members of the alcoholic/addicted. In them, you will be surrounded by caring people who have gone through---or are GOING through---exactly what you are now experiencing. Their support and advice might literally save your life. Almost certainly it'll rescue your sanity.

Stick around. More folks will come along, I'm certain.

best,

sam b
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Unread 11-22-2015, 02:23 AM   #3
stayingclean
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Red face Thank you!

Thank you for writing me back. Your feedback is definitely being taken to heart.
I felt that if I could get my brothers to kinda join me in talking with my mom or even having private conversations with her by themselves, that maybe just maybe she would come to her senses once all of us distanced ourselves from her. But nope... Again... Passive aggressive... Honestly I think they are scared of her... If you didn't know her or rather just met her you would think that she had all of her crap together... She could win an academy award at work...
Again, thank you for the advice and quite frankly, listening to me... I should check out that group for us family members with alcoholic loved ones... Maybe it would truly help.
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Unread 11-22-2015, 11:34 AM   #4
R. Lee
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stayingclean, Welcome to the site. Sorry for your loss.

You are probably already aware that 1st. & foremost your sober life comes 1st & that your mom has to want to get sober on her own. She has to learn to live life on life's.

You do not have to be around her if she is drinking, So you may want to put up some boundaries.

I wish you the best.
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Unread 12-19-2015, 12:35 PM   #5
stayingclean
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We won't see her this Christmas...(it's a long story...But she just wants to pick up the kids tomorrow...take them Christmas gift shopping and drop them back off). I'm starring at her Christmas card wondering what to write....I'm at a loss for words...advice? (I have never just signed my name on loved ones cards). Seriously...I'm..just...starring....What do I say? What I want to say isn't so called "right"....
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Unread 12-19-2015, 03:12 PM   #6
nan
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Hello stayingclean, Seems like holiday times brings on more stress in these family situations. Just wondering if you feel like it will be safe for your mom to pick up your kids and be driving them around. Perhaps this could be a place to set a boundary regarding her drinking. Generic greetings are always better than mean-spirited ones, imo. If you feel you need to give a Christmas card to her maybe just something as simple as, looking forward to a good 2016. Because I really think that is what you are asking for-a better year ahead for all of you. Bottom line, enjoy the time with your kids and focus on what is good within your own family. Sorry for the stress, alcohol causes so many problems and it is really sad. Best wishes,

nan
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Unread 12-20-2015, 11:12 PM   #7
stayingclean
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Good point...I wouldn't have let her take the kids anywhere IF SHE was driving. My step dad does all the driving and he drove the kids...she didn't want to even hug me today...(we are an affectionate family). And my step dad didn't say hi or come near me. it was horribly emotional. I held back my tears as much as I could...Bad day....very sad day...I don't think she will ever get it..
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Unread 12-21-2015, 01:38 AM   #8
nan
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Sorry it was such a sad day for you. Hopefully you will be able to focus on your own family-surround yourself with the fun of Christmas with your children. Sadly, there is nothing you can say that will change your mother. The only person you can control is yourself. Your mother may never "get it" but you can continue building your life with your own immediate family and make new traditions that will bring good memories.

I do encourage you to find a group for support. Facing reality is easier when it is shared with others who have been through the same things. Try hard to not allow what happened today to spoil the season. Don't know how old your children are but remember they have memories to build also, therefore you need to give them happy times that they will remember at Christmas time. Focus on the blessings you already have.

nan
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