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Unread 12-13-2013, 01:24 PM   #1
ccchop0707
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My husband has agreed to go to a rehab center and get help for his drinking. He is going on day number 8 at the center, but I am having a real rough time dealing with this. I feel so much anger right now, anger at him, at the addiction, at what drinking has done to our relationship, that can I barely talk with him when he calls. I don't know how to get rid of this anger. Does anyone have any suggestions
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Unread 12-13-2013, 03:45 PM   #2
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ccchop0707, Addiction causes so much hurt to everyone involved, not just the alcoholic. I can see why there is anger-you have been through a lot. But, anger will serve no good purpose because your husband has a disease. Be angry at the disease, not your husband. If he had been diagnosed with cancer would you still feel such anger?

It is really good news that he has gone to a rehab center-it sounds like he really wants to work on recovery. Rejoice that he recognizes he needs help, and he is seeking it out. I know, I know, after all you have been through you wonder how you can be civil? But as you educate yourself about addiction and have a better understanding of it the anger will subside.

I would recommend getting and reading a book by Dr. H.Urschel called, Healing the Addicted Brain. There are many books out there but this one really explains things well and will give you a better understanding of addiction. Your husband is not "choosing" to be an alcoholic-and he can get better. Yes, it will take some time and he will always have to be aware of this disease, but there is hope. Does the rehab offer any family counseling while he is undergoing treatment?

I am sorry for all you have been put through-it is tough to have an alcoholic loved one.

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Unread 12-13-2013, 03:53 PM   #3
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Thank you so much. I will get the book. I took him to this rehab center last Thursday and I checked him in. They handed me a 3 x 5 card with the mailing address, the email address, and the visitation hours (Sunday 1-3) and told me I could leave. I have not heard anything from them. He has only called me twice, and I feel so alone and isolated and angry.
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Unread 12-13-2013, 04:08 PM   #4
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Wow-do you know anything about this treatment center or how long the program is? Don't know if you have a kindle, but his book is available that way too.

Since you know he is in a safe place for now then take this time to keep yourself busy doing things that you enjoy. Worst thing to do is sit home and worry? Do you work outside the home? That is always a good way to keep the mind busy. And, then after work go shopping, or a movie, or to get a bite to eat to keep yourself out and around other people. Do you have family and do they know about the issues you are going through right now? Another option is to connect with Alanon-it is a group for families who are going through, or have gone through, what you are right now. Look them up on the internet or phone book. If you live in a fairly large town you probably have meetings there. You will be with other folks who can share your pain too.

Keep posting as someone will pop in and listen to you as the journey continues.

Best wishes,

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Unread 12-13-2013, 04:14 PM   #5
ccchop0707
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This is a 32 day program, and it was recommended to us by our family doctor and a social worker at a local hospital. I am so new to this, I don't even know how a rehab facility works. I did call the center today, and asked to speak to my husband's counselor, as in one of his phone calls he did tell me that he had signed the waiver so i could talk to his counselor. I was afraid to call, because I am so mad, but decided that I had to take that step sooner or later. I am still waiting to hear back from his counselor.
Thanks.
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Unread 12-13-2013, 06:16 PM   #6
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Nan is right, be angry at the disease. Your husband is taking the right steps in getting help and if he is serious and the two of you want to regain a healthy loving relationship, then first take care of you, and second be supportive of him. At this stage he needs to feel support and acceptance. If he was to come out and start drinking again, then I could see you becoming angry with him. Anger only festers and kills the soul. God bless and good luck. Keep us updated.
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Unread 12-14-2013, 12:47 PM   #7
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Hello ccchop0707, Wondering if the counselor called you back last night and what you found out from the conversation. Interested if you found Dr. Urschel's book and would like to know what you think after reading it. I know when I first got it I read it all the way through, couldn't put it down. Drop a note if you can and let us know what is going on today. '

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Unread 12-15-2013, 03:03 AM   #8
ccchop0707
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I left a voice message for the counselor at 3:00 CDT on Friday and she didn't call me back. I still feel so alone and isolated. Also at the same time I feel selfish, because I don't know what is going on. I know this isn't about me, but what about my feelings? I just have so any emotions, I just don't know what to do. Before my husband went to rehab, we were going to a family counselor. I am still seeing her, but I had a conflict last week and couldn't make the appointment. She is trying to help me sort out these feelings. I think a lot of it is the reality of the whole situation is finally setting in with me. I realize my life and my husband's life is going to change, and I am so tired of the emotional roller coaster, and I think that roller coaster is only beginning, and it scares me. Is having these many emotions normal? You guys on here have been a real support to me and I thank you. Please post any thoughts that you have, I really appreciate it.
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Unread 12-15-2013, 09:38 AM   #9
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Hello CCCHOP-

I would say it is completely "normal" to have tons of emotion about all of this... I agree with you that the reality is setting in. Also when the source of the drama is removed (in this case your husband)... you are left to "feel" what has been on-going emotional trauma... before that, while he was still around, you likely were on guard all the time, protecting and hiding your emotions as well as overwhelmed with other emotions... pretty normal. Lastly, it is common to feel selfish once the alcoholic is out of the picture for a bit... we spend so much time focusing on them, trying to appease, and minimize the whole situation that once they are "in treatment" and we have some time to focus on ourselves we are overwhelmed by what we find. We feel anger at them, we feel sadness for them, we feel sad for the way life has turned out, and sad for how it may look moving forward... it's is a crazy emotional time. So many of us have been right where you are. Please know there is light at the end of this.

It is great that you have a consoler to talk with... keep going as much as you can. Also as Nan pointed out... see if you can find a local ALANON group in your area, they are very common even in smaller communities and they provide an outlet and perspective that is rare and extremely helpful!

You mentioned that things will be changing... that can be perceived as good or bad... I suggest that is GREAT!! However hard it may be change is very good. There is hope that he will really receive the help he needs, and you can continue on the process of helping and getting help for yourself as well.

I don't mean to be offensive but those of us who love an alcoholic will often see clearly how "ill" our loved on is emotionally, spiritually, physically... but we often don't see that we are just as "ill"... we need as much support, help and healing as the alcoholic. We simply must learn how to live in more healthy ways, and learn how to grow and foster healthy relationships in our lives... often something that gets lost along the way in the journey with an alcoholic... isolation... it can be our worst enemy.

I'm sorry to hear how difficult it is right now. I surely recall similar feelings in my own journey... I promise you it gets better as you learn and grow... in the end it is really good!

Keep on posting and thanks for your courage to start this thread CCCHOP.

Blessings!

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Unread 12-15-2013, 12:52 PM   #10
R. Lee
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ccchop707, Welcome to the site.

I'm a recovering alcoholic who caused so much misery & heartache like your husband.

It is great that your husband wanted to go to rehab. He has to do this for himself.

Be angry at alcoholism & support your husband even though you feelings right now are normal.

Lets hope that this is his last drink. I needed a support system of recovering alcoholics to get sober.

There are programs out there for you like Al Anon to help you through this.

My best to you & your husband.
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Unread 12-15-2013, 06:53 PM   #11
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Hello,

I think being angry is right on! Of course you are angry at the lies, the hurt, the disappointment... My guess is that you have been on "high alert" for quite some time now - and with him out of the house, you are just now able to feel.

I wrote in a journal.. I STILL write in a journal That helped me get the anger out... that and working out.
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Unread 12-15-2013, 11:00 PM   #12
ccchop0707
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Thank you so much to each of you that took time to reply to my post Your words of encouragement came at I time that I really needed to hear from you.

Today was visitation from 1 to 3 and I decided I needed to go. Earlier in the week I wasn't sure I wanted to go, but after reading your posts and trying to understand this disease, I knew where I needed to be. I am not a quitter and I will not quit on my husband, although to be honest, I did consider that option When I said I do 34 years ago, I meant it and that meant in sickness and in health, and I knew I needed to honor that promise.

Thank you RIX, I so believe your words about being "ill" I too fall into that category of being "ill" and I realize that I need to work on things too. I am determined to make myself better, and learn how to deal with this disease. Thank you R Lee for your words along with everyone else. I needed the support of people that have been through this. You all were an answer to my prayer.

Today at the rehab center, the reality of everything is becoming real Today as I was there, I sort of needed to pinch myself and say this is real, a real problem, and let's figure out how to get through it. My husband seems so positive, and has a journal that he has kept on everyday he has been there and the activities he has been involved in and what he has learned. He shared that journal with me and was trying so hard. He seems like my husband of old. I spoke with one of his counselors and he did tell me that he had embraced things well. It was a very humbling experience today, one that I will never forget

I know I will have good days and bad days. Today was good and who knows what tomorrow will bring. Once again, many thanks to all of you. I will continue to post and lean on the people that have been through this I don't like feeling angry, and I am sure that I still will have days filled with anger and confusion, but I am praying that each day all the anger and confusion will get better.
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Unread 12-16-2013, 10:53 AM   #13
R. Lee
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cchop0707, You husband seem to be doing well at rehab.

It is good to see that you realize you have issues too.
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