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Unread 09-03-2016, 08:30 AM   #1
Ap13
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Default Day 17 off subs, my painful journey and diary

Good morning people.

Just felt like sharing my journey so others may have an idea of what to expect.

I raced motor cross and street bikes professionally for over 15 years and therefore have suffered through many accidents, I've been prescribed every pain pill in the book...over and over and over again.. Let me be clear, I love pain pills they have been my best friend. I am a true addict. At 40 years old I decided I've had enough and spoke to my doctor about breaking the cycle, he told me about this new drug called Suboxone. One year later I had become numb to my feelings, isolated from everyone that I cared about, sexually dead and not at all happy. Once again I went to my doctor and had a conversation about moving on from Suboxone, I got the typical treatment. "You can't just quit" "You'll need at least a year long taper period". So I took the fight into my own hands, I took the remainder of my prescription (8mg 3x daily) and broke it down to what I felt was doable. I got down to 4 mg (2mg 2x daily) when my pills ran out.

That brings me to my painful journey.

Day 1&2 were really ok, I was like.. I can do this!
Day 3-7 were absolutely misriable with typical physical symptoms but the worse being overwhelming anxiety,NO sleep and the feelings of carrying around concrete blocks on my feet. Lots of sweating.
Day 8-15 were somewhat better but anxiety, no sleep and tiredness have ruled my world. Best analogy is Chinese water torture. Lots of sweating. Imbarrasing fact, Lots of wet dreams. I know, gross but just the facts Jack. <- haven't had one since I was 13
Day 16-17 (This morning) getting better! Still minor anxiety and no sleep for 16 days other than maybe 2 hours broken up into 10 minute cat naps, usually when driving. Another wet dream

With all that being said, I am positive and committed to stopping the cycle of addiction. What I've noticed most is the returning of my love of music, memories of my friends, my hobbies, emotions, SEX DRIVE!! and overall since of well being.

I know my road is far from paved, I'm expecting another Acouple weeks of no sleep and general feel craziness but whatever. Let's do this. It's been the toughest thing I've had to deal with minus losing my Mother and older brother.

If I can do it, you can do it. FYI- I took the first 5 days off work with a "stomach bug" but have worked everyday since and it's been so hard. I force myself to put one foot in front of the other and go even when I should'nt or feel I can't. They know something is up but have kept it to themselves because I'm doing my job. I'm a Structural Engineer which makes it even harder because I have to calculate numbers and think. Yuk!

My advice to others wanting to try Suboxone, make it short and sweet. Long time use equals an even longer withdraw period. I've read other diaries that said "opiate withdraw is a sprint, Suboxone withdraw is a marathon" This is so true.

Ramble ramble ramble. Day 17 baby!

Last edited by Ap13; 09-03-2016 at 08:44 AM..
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Unread 09-04-2016, 06:33 AM   #2
NancyB
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Hi Ap13, welcome. My sympathies on the loss of your mother and brother.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, you didn't really have a good doctor. When you started bupe, did he just say take 8mg 3x a day? The proper induction to start is to wait for mild to moderate withdrawals and take 2mg, wait for 1.5 to 2 hours (it can take up to 2 hours for full effect), see how the patient is doing; if there are still cravings / withdrawals, take another 2mg, wait, etc. That way, the patient isn't taking more than they need. And with the long halflife of bupe (around 37 hours) stay at that dose for about a week and then re-evaluate. Some people have needed 24 mg at the beginning, especially transitioning from methadone or large quantities of heroin (especially if laced with fentanyl) and then reduce down a bit in the month or two after. The symptoms you listed are 'classic' signs of way too high of a dose.

In any event, jenm also ran out meds at 2 to 4mg and stopped. Here's her thread:
http://addictionsurvivors.org/vbulle...ad.php?t=29780

Keep busy, keep exercising and doing things to boost your own natural endorphins which is pretty much anything physical and anything enjoyable. For sleep, have you tried melatonin or benedryl before bed? Someone I know personally found that 10mg of melatonin about 20 minutes before bedtime helped immensely after he jumped.

Keep going, you're doing great, especially jumping from 4mg!

Nancy
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Unread 09-04-2016, 08:09 AM   #3
Ap13
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Default Day 18

Hi Nancy. It's amazing how everyone's experience is different, she progressed much faster than I have. This morning is day 18 since I've taken a sub and still not much sleep, feels like nothing but I do recall short weird dreams. Maybe I'm getting more than I think, seems like hours and hours of being plugged into a light socket.

Concerning my Doctor, he's a drug dealer basically. I used to think that was awesome but now I'd like to drag him behind my truck. I wish Present me could go back and talk previous me, we'd work this out without all the suffering.

I have been taking Colonidine and Melatonin (3 mg) at night, no real help. I'll try upping that to 10mg and add a Benadryl per your recommendation.

Overall I feel pretty good today. My energy is coming back, I'm happy, eating and hungry. My biggest struggle is getting sleep, I'm hoping normal sleep patterns will return soon.

Thanks for the advice.
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Unread 09-05-2016, 06:16 AM   #4
Leo
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I just wrote a whole lotta stuff but lost the lot. Shit.

Guess basically what I said was part of my story of how I became addicted, then how I learned and tapered whilst using this site. I have a thread if you wanna see it.

You stopped at rather a high dose and your doctor sounds crap. I was on heroin and only needed 4mg to stabalise but it's different for all.

You stopped at rather a high dose but not enormous so its do-able.

You are already getting some good feelings and are prepared to feel shitty at times. This is realistic and will help you when you get those negative feelings.

Well done.

Love from the UK!

Leo
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Unread 09-05-2016, 06:37 AM   #5
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Hi Ap13, it's so aggravating when I read of people who have doctors like you did! But, we'll deal with what you're going through now and help you best we can. Do you have restless legs at all? That's fabulous that you're eating, but most of all happy - that is so great in and of itself.

LEO!! Sorry you lost your post; but happy to see your name pop up. <3
Ap13, here's his taper thread.
Here's his thread:
http://addictionsurvivors.org/vbulle...ad.php?t=27992

Fingers crossed you get good sleep soon!

Nancy
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Unread 09-05-2016, 09:22 AM   #6
Ap13
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Default Day 19

Thanks for the kind words Leo and Nancy, much love from Atlanta, Ga USA.

I took your advice Nancy and took 9 mg of melatonin, Benadryl and .15 mg of clonidine, I got about 4-6 hours of sleep last night. Yay! Still can't sleep in my bed, weirdly enough I can only sleep on the sofa or floor. My wife isn't thrilled about that but I gotta go where I can get comfortable.

Concerning your question about RLS, time to time. I take a few Hylands RLS before bed and it seems to control it ok, last night was a little rough but only due to bad dreams.

I watched Sharknado 3 before bed and had crazy dreams of getting attacked by sharks all night, really strange.

I woke up today feeling decent, still off but energy is good. I'm looking forward to breakfast but am frustrated that this continues. I'm positive and committed but really look forward to looking back on this whole mess.

As my mind clears, my anger grows towards my Doctor. It was never about getting me off opiates, it was always about me getting me high. My first visit I was written 8MG 3x daily, now I realize how insane that was.

Last edited by Ap13; 09-05-2016 at 09:42 AM..
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Unread 09-06-2016, 07:07 AM   #7
NancyB
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Hi Alex, how was sleep last night? Hopefully you didn't watch anything causing crazy dreams!

You're doing everything right, so be proud of yourself for pushing through it. I certainly am. Hopefully once you start getting good sleep, everything else will fall into place.

You being put on 24mg for no apparent reason except for the blatant incompetence (in my opinion) of your former doctor is so angering. But don't get me started....

Let us know how you're doing when you can.

Nancy
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Unread 09-06-2016, 08:55 AM   #8
Ap13
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Hi Nancy!

The love keeps flowing from the amazing people on this site, thank you thank you thank you. Much love in return.

Day 20 for me. Not a lot of sleep last night as I'm haunted by the craziest dreams imaginable, I wake up saying what? That was crazy. I think I'm getting a few hours a night but it's hard to tell, it seems like I'm awake all night but my dreams are getting longer and longer. I long to sleep in my bed with my wife again but the floor in my den is my happy place, I tried again to sleep beside her last night but RLS won the fight. My place is in a ball on the floor.

I have been very honest with everyone in my life to exactly what I'm going through with exception of my boss of course, he thinks I've had a BAD stomach virus. So yesterday my Father called me and cried how proud of me he was, he told me how proud my Mother who recently passed would have been that I'm doing the right thing. That made me both proud of myself and self loathing, how can someone be proud of you for getting off drugs? As I've said before the guilt is real.

With all that being said; I'm proud of myself because the easy route would be to keep taking Suboxone forever like some have done. For the first time in many many years I'm 100% clean and happy to be here. Even though my sleep sucks, I wake up happy and excited for the day. Today I'm excited to eat fresh authentic Mexican tacos from the local taco truck, he has been closed for the holidays. I literally have been lusting for tacos. I'm excited to be a better man, a better husband and a better Father. I texted for hours with my Oldest Daughter who just started her freshman year at FSU during the game last night, she is amazing. We thought for sure Old Miss was going to beat FSU but I told her don't give up, never give up. I was right, they came back for the win. Good times! Those are the times I had lost interest in on Suboxone.

Today is a new day, let's make it a good one.

Respectfully submitted,

Alex
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Unread 09-07-2016, 06:28 AM   #9
NancyB
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Hi Alex, please try to shed the guilt. People are proud of you for getting help and doing this. Don't let the guilt drag you down, ok?

You gave your daughter great advice on not giving up. That's what you did - you did not give up! You're doing this. That is something to be very proud of.

Hope you got more sleep, with fewer or shorter dreams!

Nancy
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Unread 09-07-2016, 08:46 AM   #10
MattC42286
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Hi Ap13. You are doing an awesome job! Its so uplifting to read success stories. People like you make it way easier for people like me who are still taking the medication! Hope you get to day 30 before u know it. Much love man! -Matt
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Unread 09-07-2016, 09:02 AM   #11
Ap13
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Good morning, it's day 21 since I took my last Suboxone!

My energy and focus is coming back strong, I still feel crazy town but can control when I need too. I started working out again and love it, it's the only time I feel 100%.

Weird things are happening with my body; emotions and music feel different. I can put on my head phones and work for hours, never cared to do that on Subs. I feel like they are speaking to me, never before have I actually picked meaning from songs. Very interesting.

I'm proud of myself today.

Alex
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Unread 09-07-2016, 09:49 PM   #12
Ap13
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Day 2 back at the gym this evening, it's my favorite place right now and the only place I feel 100%. I did have a scary moment tonight, I guess as usual I pushed a little too hard. I was doing 3 minute wind sprints and started to see white in my left eye, stopped and checked my pulse. 168! I guess I'm not quite ready for those yet. Moved on to my normal work out and never exceeded 135 again. Kinda of scary, never had that happen before.

This week is flying by, I can see a month clean through the tunnel. I wish all of you could come over for a celebration, yea me. I couldn't have done it without this site, I've read almost ever diary going back year and stole every trick in the book.

Much love,

Alex
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Unread 09-07-2016, 10:16 PM   #13
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Hi Alex! I am Jenm's mom and I am sending good wishes your way! You have been doing great. Exercise is the very best thing for you to build up the natural endorphins. Sorry about the sleep issues-i remember that was one thing that bothered Jenm for awhile too. Can't remember if you have tried Benedryl for the sleep issue. I buy the generic allergy brand and if it is 25mg, most helpful for full sleep is 50mg. If you haven't given that a try hopefully it might help. Anyway, we cannot come over to your place for a celebration but we can cheer you on from right here. Keep up the good work!

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Unread 09-08-2016, 06:31 AM   #14
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Hi Alex! You said "I'm proud of myself today." Yes! You should be! So many of us are proud of you, I'm glad you see that it IS something to be proud of.

That does sound very scary about your pulse going up that high. Glad you listened to your body and slowed it down a bit. I got tired just reading the words 3 minute wind sprints.

In any event, I hope that sleep will become more normal so you can get off the floor and back in bed with your wife!

Go Alex!! Sending hugs!

Nancy
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Unread 09-08-2016, 08:28 AM   #15
Ap13
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Good morning! Day 22 since I took my last Suboxone. I am so happy to report that I slept at least 6 hours last night without major sleep aides and it feels so good. I have mastered the Jedi mind trick to control my dreams, I focus on what I want to dream about and repeat the thought until I fall asleep. Believe it or not, it works. I'm still fighting rapid heart beat and don't feel even close to normal but I'm really starting to feel like I'm beating this thing.

I went to my primary care Doctor yesterday to get a flu shot and explained to him what has been going on, his response was great. "I'd like to throat punch that Doctor". Coming from an older by the book Doctor, I thought it was great.

Today I'm going to put on my headphones and jam my way through work, I have two buildings to design today and for the first time in 22 days I'm feeling creative. I have made a list of songs that have really spoken to me during this process, if anyone is interested I'd be happy to share.

Alex
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Unread 09-08-2016, 08:14 PM   #16
Ap13
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Today has been a long day. I had to be in everyone face today, it's tough to smile and act normal when everything in you wants to just hide. Overall I'm not feeling horrible but just blah. I'm committed to seeing this to the end but can honestly say I'm tired and ready for this to be over. Trying to be normal sucks double the energy. I'm a very positive person but you guys would know I was being fake, if I was always bubbly.

Weirdly enough, I haven't had one craving for Suboxone or pain pills. I've accepted that that part of my life is over, dead and buried.

I'm excited to go to the gym tonight, I feel the best with my headphones on while exercising.

Tomorrow is day 23, yay me.
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Unread 09-09-2016, 05:24 AM   #17
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Hi Alex, I hope you slept even better last night than the night before. Love the use of the Jedi mind trick.

Keep up that exercising which kicks your natural endorphins into gear. Music will do that too. When you have time, would love to hear your list of songs.

Hope you have a better day today. Keep pushing, you're really doing fabulously!

Nancy
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Unread 09-09-2016, 08:12 AM   #18
Leo
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Hi Alex.

As you may well know if you've withdrawn from strong opioids in the past, sleep is always the last satisfying feeling to return. But it will, and you will be aware that it's just a question of time. Your body will always snatch the sleep it needs, even just an hour can make a big difference. The fact that you are eating well means that your body is probably reacting to it's good food intake by giving you the energy to come and write here plus to carry out as much exercise as you feel you can do. In my experience, appetite is the first to return and this is a definite sign that things are slowly returning to normal.
Please always remember and remind yourself though that with a long acting substsnce like bup it tends to be that returning to 'normal' can take a while. In my opinion you gotta accept that a couple of months maybe needed. I found with bup it's weekly I felt rather than daily (short sharp shock) of short acting opioids.

High Nancy, nice to hear from you! Hope is all well for you honey. Sorry we came outa Europe by the way. Personally I believe that us humans must come together globally to solve our problems and the ideals of the EU are good. Guess there is always a chance of a kind of bloating of bureaucracy though. Only time will tell .

Sending best wishes from over the pond to all my friends here.

God Bless Nancy xox .

Leo
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Unread 09-09-2016, 04:46 PM   #19
Ap13
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Hi everyone, today is day 23 since my last Suboxone. Today I have felt pretty good but still off, the feelings of the ever ending cold continue. My throat is sore and my energy fluctuates. I got home from work and laid in bed in protest, I found myself starting to doze off than of course my phone starting ringing and I had to get up to work. I find myself wondering if I could actually have taken a real nap, the thought of that is amazing. That would be a real advancement in my recovery, I guess I'll try again later.

My Mother was the most amazing lady, she always knew how to calm her baby boy. Today I got a text from my wife, she said "I love you and believe you can tough this out. You have been faced with adversity many times and always found your way out the other side. Keep positive and remember what you Mother always told you; "This too shall pass" "

I cried like a baby. My Mom could always calm me no matter how excited I was and that was always her line, she would hug me or just say over the phone " Baby, this too shall pass". You know what? She was always right, the problems always passed and now seem insignificant. My focus went from zero to laser focused again. Thanks Mom!

Love you guys,

Alex
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Unread 09-10-2016, 06:50 AM   #20
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Hi Alex, I absolutely love your post.

I hope your day 24 is a turning point for the MUCH better for you. Keep doing what you're doing and listen to your Mom through your beautiful wife.

Hugs,

Nancy
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Unread 09-10-2016, 10:01 AM   #21
Ap13
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Good morning everyone, today is day 24 since I last took an Suboxone. I had another sleepless night last night but I'm so used to it now that it seems normal, I've grown to hate day light. It signals the end of my quest for sleep and another fight of the heat of the day. Sun isn't my friend.

Last night my skin was on fire, I felt like I was sitting on the sun. The non stop cold, drainage and sore throat is a endless reminder of my stupidity and bad choices. I find myself wondering what I'm going to do without the continued pain I caused myself by jumping on and off pills, I used to not be able to tell if I was sick or just withdrawing again. Sad to say but pill addiction isn't far off from self mutilation, either way your hurting yourself.

Today I feel ok, off and a little crazy but that's my new normal. I will manage and overcome.

With all that being said, today is a great day. This weekend we celebrate the hero's and loved ones lost in the 9/11 terrorist attack, my problems pale in comparison. It's a great time to be alive and clean.
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Unread 09-11-2016, 07:07 AM   #22
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Hi Alex, It's day 25 and you're kicking butt! Just keep that in your mind. Jumping from that much bupe is conquest! And you're persevering and doing it.

You are managing and overcoming.

Yes, today we will never forget what happened 15 years ago. Never.

Nancy
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Unread 09-11-2016, 10:18 AM   #23
Ap13
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Thank you Nancy. Day 25 since I took my last Suboxone.

As the days have clicked by I now realize how big the mountain has been to jump at such a high dose of Suboxone, what a crappy ride. The things I have forced myself to do; trying to act normal at work, family get togethers and being with my children have been the toughest part. These should be the things you love not the things you force yourself to do.

Today I'm feeling ok, still so far from normal. I know I've said it before but how is it possible that a medicine can cling and punish you for so long without warnings being posted on every telephone post across America.

Overall I'm positive and will stick this out no matter how long it takes. I've been working out every night and have been so sore, as weird as it sounds I love the pain. The pain gives me something else to think about.
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Unread 09-12-2016, 07:22 AM   #24
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Hi Alex, hoping you're a big step closer to normalizing today!

Nancy
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Unread 09-12-2016, 11:42 AM   #25
Ap13
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Day 26 since I've taken my last Suboxone. Today I'm feeling almost normal and really happy with the choices I've made over the last 26 days.

Still not sleeping much but that's to be expected, I hope over the next a couple weeks that this too shall pass.

Alex
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Unread 09-13-2016, 06:40 AM   #26
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Hi Alex, almost normal, wow, that's fabulous!! Yes, that too shall pass with the sleeping.

Very happy for you and proud of you!

Nancy
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Unread 09-14-2016, 06:33 AM   #27
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Day 28! Lots of sleep last night, feeling great. Went Kayaking last night, felt so good to be out doing normal things.
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Unread 09-15-2016, 06:50 AM   #28
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Now that made my day!!! Are you back sleeping in your bed?

Nancy
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Unread 09-15-2016, 02:42 PM   #29
Ap13
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Day 29, I hear the drum roll coming. Almost at 30 days! I feel really good most of the day but still be tired towards the end, usually come home and rest for a while than straight to the gym. Sleep still not 100% but I am getting some.

My creativity and urge to be out of the house are coming back strong.

Overall, everything is progressing great.

Nancy, not 100% but I've been trying. Last night I made it a couple of hours than started tossing and turning so I went back to my faithful spot on the sofa. I woke up around 6AM than came back to bed.

Alex
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Unread 09-16-2016, 06:33 AM   #30
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Hi Alex, Congrats on 30 days!! Hopefully soon enough you'll be off the sofa for good!



Nancy
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Unread 09-16-2016, 07:44 AM   #31
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Thanks Nancy! Day 30 and I feel great. I slept all night in my bed and woke up feeling rested, what a feeling. I think I can finally say, I beat this thing.

Thank you for your support.
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Unread 09-17-2016, 06:04 AM   #32
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Woohoo! You did it! So happy for you and so proud of you!

Have a fabulous weekend!

Nancy
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Unread 09-18-2016, 09:16 PM   #33
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Day 32 and I'm feeling back to normal, happy and full of energy.

As I look back on the journey, it seems almost surreal. I haven't had an urge for a pill or even thought about going back.

The real me is back, that's all I ever really wanted.

I've been sleeping but still wake up time to time throughout the night, ended up back on the sofa for a few hours last night but went right back to sleep.

Alex
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Unread 09-18-2016, 11:45 PM   #34
Iamready61
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Congratulations! How much were you taking when you jumped off? I know the answer is in the thread just too lazy to look!
Have a good week!
Cessa Mama Shel
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Unread 09-19-2016, 06:59 AM   #35
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Alright Alex!!! "The real me is back, that's all I ever really wanted." Absolutely love it!

The sleep will come back, soon I hope.

What an inspiration you are!

Nancy
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Unread 09-19-2016, 08:25 AM   #36
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Iamready, I was prescribed 24mg a day. When I decided to quit I quickly tapered (15 or so days) down to 4 mg a day than jumped.
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Unread 09-21-2016, 06:01 AM   #37
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Hi Alex, just checking in to see how sleep is for you.

Fingers crossed that it's improved some.

Nancy
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Unread 09-21-2016, 02:00 PM   #38
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Nancy, happy to report I've been sleeping ok. Still wake up at the sound of a pin drop but overall, everything is great.

Thanks for thinking about me.

Alex
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Unread 09-22-2016, 06:39 AM   #39
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I'm happy for you Alex!!

Nancy
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Unread 09-22-2016, 07:10 AM   #40
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Well, it's been another month so hope you are ok.

That was a massive dose you stopped from. A smooth slow taper works best. But it is important one changes other areas of life IMO.

Hope all remains well Alex.

I want to send sad feelings from that terrible time of 9/11. I was off work that day and watched it live from the BBC. I had hoped that something good would come of it (not good at the time but devastating). That the whole world would wake up and start working together to solve our problems. Sad to say that this did not happen.

Best wishes from the UK.

Leo
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Unread 09-23-2016, 08:41 AM   #41
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Day 37 and still going strong, still have minor cold like symptoms and still have minor sleep struggles but overall feeling great.

Thanks for all the support.

Alex
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Unread 09-28-2016, 07:31 AM   #42
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Hi Alex, just wanted to do a quick check to see how you're doing. I hope that everything is back to normal and you're doing just fine!!

Nancy
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Unread 09-28-2016, 06:20 PM   #43
Ap13
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Day 42 since my last Suboxone.

Nancy, thanks for checking in. I am doing really good, feeling great and normal. Still have a sleepless night every few days but for the most part, I'm getting sleep. Getting better everyday.

Been going to the gym everyday, it's amazing how the body responds to health and happiness.

I'll keep checking in.
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Unread 09-29-2016, 07:19 AM   #44
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Hi Alex, so very happy for you!! Just what I was hoping to hear from you!

Yay!

Nancy
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