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Unread 01-20-2015, 01:16 PM   #1
Beth1990
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Default I need advice and support

I have been married for almost 25 years to a man that has a serious alcohol abuse problem. While we dated and the first few years of our marriage, we were both social drinkers but as time went on, he started drinking by himself and hiding bottles of liquor. There have been many occasions where I have threatened to kick him out and/or divorce him but I always cave and take him back. He has driven drunk many times but last night he came home so drunk I couldn't believe he was able to drive I was able to get him to go to bed so our kids didn't see him in that condition. I have one child in college and two at home 18 and 16. They know he has a drinking prob but I hide as much as I can from them. Should I do that? How much should they know and what should I talk to them about? He is so remorseful and apologetic the next morning, but I've had enough. He always says that this is it and he'll make a change but it's all lies. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't think his parents would support me as they abuse alcohol too. My mom and dad had probs with drinking while I was growing up and they are divorced, so they would not be helpful. The thought of being divorced is scary and embarrassing to me. My husband is begging for another chance but I think if I do, it will happen again in a couple of weeks. I just feel so alone.
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Unread 01-20-2015, 01:41 PM   #2
jenm
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Hi Beth1990 and welcome! I want you to know that you are not alone. I was married to an alcoholic but I have been divorced for a number of years. The advice that I give, however, is from my experience in recovery. By the grace of God I am sober today!

Your husband's behavior is very similar to many others who are alcoholic and do not want their drinking pattern to change. Thank God he did not hurt or kill anyone driving that drunk.....yet. I'm sure that your children already know way more than you think they know. Children can smell hypocrisy and poor behavior a mile away.

I was always remorseful and apologetic right away too. Then I would do it again. And again. And again. And I would continue to talk about how sorry I was each time, manipulating and lying so that I could continue on with what "I" wanted to do.

You are not able to get your husband sober. He has to realize that he has a problem and want to get help for himself. What you can do is take care of yourself and your children. If you are able to live with him doing this over and over again, you can just continue on with your life as is and the same cycle will continue. It sounds like you can't take it anymore, and I do not blame you. See if there are any Al-Anon meetings online or in person. Maybe even Ala-Teen for the kids. Alcoholism is serious and doesn't just go away with apologies after a bad night. Please take care and continue to check in! Jenm
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Unread 01-20-2015, 11:25 PM   #3
lostdog
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Sorry to hear. It is hard you need support to stop enabling him and he may see his harmful ways and seek help.
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Unread 01-21-2015, 02:32 PM   #4
R. Lee
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Beth1990, Welcome to the site. I speak as a recovering alcoholic who lied & said I would stop. I hid bottles & my drinking. I was divorced, 3 times & fired from my job. I don't know that I never hurt of killed someone while driving hundreds of times in a blackout. I just an not aware of doing it.

jenm & lostdog gave you suggestions that I would, some great information there so I won't repeat them.

You do not have to live like this. Do not hide if from your kids who are at the age that they will have to make decisions on whether to drink & abuse alcohol & then drive. Insist that you have a family sit down with your husband & confront him. They are much more wise to what is going on than you think.

You will feel so much worse when he kills or injures someone of if he dies of alcoholism. Or fate is if we do not stop drinking we will die, end up in a institution or prison.

Good luck in any decisions you make. You are not the problem. The drunk husband is.
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Unread 01-24-2015, 11:00 AM   #5
Beth1990
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Thanks everyone for the support. Here is my update. My husband met with a counselor and started AA. He finally admits that he is not in control of his drinking and can't have a drink at all. I have looked up Alanon meetings in my area and I'm going next week. I have to admit I'm scared to go. I know this will be a long term process but I'm cautiously optimistic. Reading all the posts on this board has been so helpful and comforting to me and I appreciate everyone's honesty.
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Unread 01-24-2015, 08:20 PM   #6
Travis-scott
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Thanks for sharing Beth , I'm in the same situation except im the alcoholic , I told my girl friend we need to take a break til' I get some sober time behind me ,I was powerless , I lied to her hid bottles , sneaked out to buy more even at 6am if I didn't have a bottle hidden somewhere in another room , I even hid them in the backyard , 20 plus years of drinking hard was no match any relationship , glad to hear your husband is getting the help he needs -Trav'
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Unread 01-30-2015, 09:41 PM   #7
MarvinC
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everyone of us have a different situation. I am an alcoholic too. there were a times that i drink for 24 hours straight, with just a little hour of rest. I even steal, lied and cheat just to buy a a bottle of liquor.
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Unread 02-24-2015, 09:13 PM   #8
Beth1990
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Default One month later update

So it's a month after my initial post and things are going better, but I am still so distrustful. Anytime my husband comes home acting a little bit off, I'm confronting him and asking if he's been drinking. It has caused some fights but he would never tell me the truth if he had. I don't even know if he's still seeing the counselor or going to AA. I even ordered a breathalyzer off Amazon tonight. I feel like I'm always on edge, waiting for something to go wrong. Any advice?
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Unread 03-10-2015, 04:36 PM   #9
Seasheila
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