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Unread 09-27-2015, 11:41 PM   #1
Starfisher
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Default Losing hope

Married 24 years. Have fought about his drinking the whole time, off and on. Losing hope lately as we have lost the ability to find each other again. Both are angry and resentful. He buys the big bottles of wine and on weekends (this is his latest "deal" with me - to only drink on weekends) so he drinks to passing out fri- sat - sun nights. Also some weeknights. Because he is not violent (unlike his father) and because he pops up mornings and makes breakfast and goes off to work he says all is well - there is no problem. I have told him for years that I want a partner, a companion who will come to bed at bedtime, he chooses to fall asleep downstairs either facedown on his laptop or in front of the TV. I'm feeling so hurt and resentful and I can't muster good feelings for him any more. We usually go thru phases - bad then good but this bad part is longer than usual. We are older and I'm (right now, anyway) looking at a bad life stretching ahead of me. There's been too much good to throw away our marriage but lately it's hard to imagine staying. I almost feel like he's trying to drive me off. I plan to find counseling. Years ago I went to an alanon meeting and was very uncomfortable because it seemed like my problems were minor compared to others with violent abuse, so I never went back. I need private counseling. I don't have anyone to talk to, and it's very painful.
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Unread 09-28-2015, 10:42 AM   #2
Sam Bailey
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Hi Starfisher,

Please go back to Alanon. They will give you the support you are in need of. And that you deserve!

See, to compare one's own pain and suffering against someone else's heartache is, to be perfectly blunt about it, it's just not fair. In THIS case, not fair to you!

The fact is, you are suffering now---and the pain you feel is just as real as anybody else's pain.

The folks inside Alanon know this and acknowledge it freely. That you were uncomfortable on that first attempt to seek support is understandable. You were nervous and you were scared. And you were in a strange place.

Had you gone back another time or two, I'll bet you'd have learned that suffering has no bias, one person's broken heart weighs as much as any other.

Second, please don't wait another day to find that one on one support. A good therapist can cover ground that a Support Group cannot...or has less success in.

Same time, a good Support Group can work, seems like!, the kind of magic that not even personal therapy can do.

I get it, Starfisher, you DO have a lot of time invested in your marriage and no, you don't want to "just" throw it away....IF the relationship can be salvaged. IF, a mighty big word.

But Starfisher, many times it CAN be salvaged, no matter how damaged the relationship is. Essential though in resurrecting a once loving marriage/relationship is the willingness of BOTH people to do whatever is necessary.

Key here is your husband's willingness to STOP getting loaded...to STOP drinking. Not for you, not for the relationship---but for himself. He's gotta want it as much as you do. Once THAT is decided, all those other things (marriage, etc.) will be/can be healed.

Other words, that's when the work can really begin!

Anyway. Sorry. I'm throwing a lot at you. First thing, VERY first thing is for you to take a big, deep breath and resolve that you (also) have a lot of years remaining in your life---and just because you have lots invested in the marriage does not mean you ought to waste what remains in your life. You deserve better.

In other words, don't waste 'em! Do your best to make things right, all things. In the end, what that will be, well--good question. Right now, I suppose that's an unknown. But you have begun working on it, right? Even by joining this Forum. THAT is a positive step.

Post again, Starfisher---post as much as you like. But don't dawdle. The sooner you put all plans of action into gear, the sooner you will begin to heal--for real.

Welcome to AddictionSurvivors!

best,

sam b
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Unread 09-28-2015, 03:47 PM   #3
lostdog
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I wouldn't be around him on weekend, I would tell him he wants to act like a drunk, let it be on his time not yours. He is not getting your verbal clues on his behavior. Don't enable him with companionship. Let him see some consequences. Best wishes and support to you.
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Unread 10-19-2015, 08:56 PM   #4
crackingBozo
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Good thing we have forums like this today, we can vent it all out in anonymity. You will find some people here to be surprisingly helpful and empathetic. When I started posting on forums because of my brother's addiction, I was down and desperate. But after talking about all my pain and frustrations, I can think more clearly, I know how to better handle my brother's addiction, quite a few times I was able to "take the bull by the horns".

But if you can get yourself some private counseling, that's even better. I've tried counseling and acupuncture when I was in a lot of stress with my brother. You need as much support as you can get, because living with an alcoholic is almost always a disappointing cycle. Sam is right, we can only do so much for someone whose not helping himself. He must be ready and willing to be helped, when that will happen... we can't be sure.

I think your relationship is worth saving and I'm happy you're trying to fix it. Just hang in there. You can always post here whenever you need to say anything, it will help you heal and renew your hope.

Big hugs to you. Stay calm.
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Unread 10-20-2015, 10:48 AM   #5
R. Lee
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Starfisher, Welcome to the site. Don't try to get through this by yourself. Like Sam said try a support group like Al Anon. You do not have to live like this. You do have options.

Have a great day.
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