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Unread 07-05-2010, 10:05 PM   #201
1418
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Well, I let my ex bring our son up north on vacation. My son called me last Monday evening. He said he had "the runs" and that his father was down at the bar. His ex said that he would come back upstairs, but that was over 45-60 minutes ago.

I ended up calling the bar on my main line, while I kept my son on the cell phone. I told my ex to go check on our son, NOW.

My parents ended up driving 5 hours on Friday to pick up my son (after my ex said he woudl bring our son to their house, he called Friday morning and said that he wasn't).

Over the past weekend, my son told me that his father told him that our son made him look like and ass, that I was crying on the phone ( a lie) and that I would never let our son spend time with him again ( a lie). My poor son, he was an anxious stress ball all weekend. He is finally calming down tonight now that we are home alone together.

When we arrived home this evening, I had a letter from the bank saying that the business loan is over due (I don't have anything to do with taht cmopany since divorcing him). I immediately called the bank and left a voice message. I am going to have my attorney call the bank tomorrow.

I called my ex, told him about the letter and told him he needs to take care of it.

I am going to call my sons counselor this week and get in again to see him. How is my son supposed to deal with his father trying to scare him into not calling me?
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Unread 07-07-2010, 06:29 PM   #202
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I confronted my ex today about the OWI. He was offering to drive our son to his baseball game, and I asked if he had a valid drivers license. My ex indicated he did indeed have a valid license. I then asked about the whole OWI situation - to which he replied that the judge threw the whole thing out.

My ex told me that he was walking out towards his car when a cop pulled up and arrested him. My ex said he never went near his car or sat in his car. The ex told me that he called a friend to come and pick him up and then the judge threw it out. I asked if his license was revoked for 7 months, because that is what is on the website - he said no, he has his license. I asked if he paid a fine, again - he said he didn't because the judge threw it out.

I was sooo relieved! But then I started thinking about it and it just doesn't add up. I want to see the police report. I'm thinking of calling the DA and/or get the name of the officer to find out the truth. I don't know what I'm going to do at that point, but I just want to know.

I may make him install one of those devices that won't allow you to start your vehichle unless you pass the breathalizer test. At least that way I will know that he can't drive drunk with our child.

My son and I have a counseling appointment tomorrow. My son is FURIOUS with me for making the appointment. I don't blame him, we will talk about tough stuff... I told my son that I need advice on how to deal wtih Dave and how to help him deal with Dave and that we were going - period. My son told me he will go but he is sitting in the car the entire time.

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
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Unread 07-08-2010, 10:01 AM   #203
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I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but I am "anger eating" again. I've just been eating sugary carbs and find myself just stuffing food in my face and chewing really hard. I know I'm angry, but why punish myself? I weigh the most I ever have, and I really hate it. I feel like I hate myself some days - why is that? I know I'm doing the best I can... and that I'm going to have to deal with my ex for many years to come, but again - why beat up myself? I don't get it.
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Unread 07-08-2010, 03:45 PM   #204
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1418,

Regarding your ex's license. Discuss the discrepency with the police. Tell them he's driving, the website says he shouldn't. Let them do their job, just follow up with the authorities so it doesn't fall through the cracks in the system.

Personally I find it hard to believe someone took the time and effort to enter his name and the judgement into the system if in fact the judge threw his case out. Your ex's story doesn't seem plausible, just my impression of the situation.

Are you angry....with yourself? For marrying and having a child that has an alcoholic for a father? For the anguish he has caused your son, which in turn you feel, or perhaps feel respnsible for?

You can't change what your ex is, an alcoholic. As long as you stay angry at yourself, or punish yourself, your ex's behavior is controlling your life.
Continue to do the best you can to keep your child safe and perhaps don't be so hard on yourself.

Regards,
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Unread 07-09-2010, 10:04 AM   #205
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Hi Saint,

As always -I appreciate your comments and your question. Your question of, "what am I angry about" really stumped me, which I found interesting.

Last night my son and I went to a counseling appointment, which was very grounding for me and I think for my son as well. My action items are:

*call my attorney and have my attorney deal with my ex regarding the drunk driving case. Have my attorney threaten him and tell him that this will impact his visitation with our son.
*Set up supervised visits between our son and his father ( I am dreading this one)
*Start taking my son to Alateen.
*Get my son involved in charity work (so he starts to feel valued and apprecaited by others outside of my parents and me).

The counselor told me that he is worried about my son's safety, as am I. He also told me that the happier I become, the more out of control my ex will be, and that my son is EXTREMELY protective of his father, so when my son called me from up north when he father was in the bar, my son was basically desperate, and that the "runs" were likely due to the stress he was feeling from being around his father. I"m not sure about the last one - the legitimately could have been from eating vacation food, but the rest all made sense to me.

Getting back to my anger eating - I think it is from anxiety. I really don't know what to do sometimes with the situation which makes me feel anxious. I may start attending Al-anon myself to hopefully get ideas about how to parent when the ex is an alcoholic.

Again - Saint, thank you so very much for writing.
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Unread 07-09-2010, 01:15 PM   #206
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1418,

I am glad you appreciate my comments. They also give me an opportunity to reflect, so it becomes a win - win situation if we both can benefit!

I find when I am angry, the anger isn't always about the situation at hand. Sometimes there are underlying causes for my anger and if I am honest with myself I can find the underlying reason. I usually find that I am not perfect and still have things I need to work on ; ) . Not laughing at you, just laughing at myself here, sorry!

I find that my daughter is a lot more aware of, and cares about, what is going on than perhaps she lets on, and that I am aware of. You mentioned your son is extremely protetctive of your husband. He is, after all is said and done, still his father and I assume he loves his father and only wants to see him healthy and happy. Perhaps he sees and worries more about his father than he lets on ???

I think your ideas to take your son to Alateen and do volunteer work are great ideas and will probably benefit your son in more ways than you originally thought. I think you are doing a great job with you son given the circumstances. I wish you and your son the best going forward.

Regards,
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Unread 07-11-2010, 12:23 PM   #207
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Dear 1418,

I am so glad you met with the counselor, I was catching up on the events of late and it seems like you were at your wits end, rightly so.
At this point, I do not think you can take or trust anything your ex says to be honest. Part of this disease is to lie in an effort to protect his way of life. Sad but true.

yes, let the attorneys handle the heavy stuff, your ex is probably going to be intimidated by them and his lies, half truths etc... will not fly with attorneys.

You have great ideas for your son, I am a firm believer in doing volunteer work, it is so rewarding. I am sure he so many mixed feeling about his Dad.

Saint had great feedback about the anger you feel. I know you are busy with work but is there any time to fit in time at a gym or even walking? That may offset any stress eating and get your endorphins pumping.
When I got sober I gained a lot of weight, I am short so every pound showed, then one day I said enough, I started walking, then running, had my headset on , music blaring, and I tell you I felt great - it was a great stress reliever. - I think at one time or another most of us do reach for food as a stress reliever or comfort - but from what I know of you , you will get past this ! Try not to let it get down . Hey at least you are not reaching for handfulls of valium or other substances!

Have you given any thought to having friends over or going out at least once a week? You need something just for you.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things - hang in there and believe that things will get better. Take care, Carly : )
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Unread 07-12-2010, 10:27 AM   #208
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Thanks Carly! I appreciate your words of encouragement!!!

I told my ex this weekend that until this "driving thing" is figured out - he may not drive our son anywhere. He was angry - but didn't fight me on it.

I told our son that his father has a ticket that will only let him drive to work and to church. Showing how much my son tries to take care of my ex - my son said, "but how will he get groceries?" I told my son that my ex would need to figure this out, but more than likely he would be able to stop at a store on his way home from work.

I am thinking of calling his parents to tell them about the ticket, that my ex may not drive our son anywhere, and to tell them that he continues down a path of destruction. The ex does something stupid, and then I react. Sooner or later, this is going to really blow up and my ex is going to lose all hope of having a relationship with our son. My concern is for my son - period. I know having a decent relationship with his father is important - so I continue to make calls, etc., but at this point my concern is keeping my son safe.

Thoughts about calling his parents? I would call them and tell them that my ex has a ticket, that he may not drive our son anyplace, that I am not trying to keep our son from them, if they want to make arrangements to pick up our son and take him to their house, which is fine.

Thanks for your input.
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Unread 07-18-2010, 09:21 PM   #209
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Dear 1418,

I remember the history with his parents, and I just cannot get the thought out of my mind that keeping your son safe is #1 priority. I have thought about it and still go back to WHAT IF ? We know there is some kind of ticket, he is still drinking, that friend of mine went through the same thing and guess what -the ex's first dui got thrown out and a few months later - he wrecked his car while drinking, was charged - it took 2 years for his second DUI to get to court. I guess the courts are so back logged ?

I understand ex will be furious if you tell his parents but wouldn't they want their grandchild to be safe ? I freak out when my husb. drives too fast, so I am on the paranoid side when it comes to car safety.
Still - This is your child, we know he has used poor judgement before, it unfortunately goes with the territory, back when I was a binge drinker , I would drive home from the "clubs " thinking I was fine to drive - when I was FAR from it. I shudder to think what could have happened.
Hopefully someone else will chime in on this.

Other than this latest issue, hope you are well.
Keep us posted and take care, Carly
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Unread 07-19-2010, 11:41 AM   #210
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Hello Everyone,

I ended up telling my ex's parents about the ticket on Wednesday evening of last week. We were at my son's baseball game, and my ex-inlaws were lined up to watch our son on Friday. I told his parents that Dave was not allowed to drive ANYWHERE with our son. She of course asked why, and I told her that Dave has a OWI ticket. She said she didn't know that (which I believe), went on about how he isn't drinking during the day because they are watching him like a hawk and spending lots of time with him. Then his father said that he is looking in the garbage and no bottles. He also said he is looking in the hiding places and always snooping around - no booze. His mother doesn't really listen, she barks orders/statements more than anything - so I listened to that, I expressed that I am concerned about him becuase each event is getting worse and that trend isn't good. She asked what we should do? I said I wasn't sure - that he has to want help.

Then she made the statement that, "they aren't going to help him anymore". I think they have been giving him money. She also told me that she told her son that he MUST get a job this winter. No more sitting around.

My ex showed up around that time and teh ball game started. Towards the end of the game, my exinlaws left early. I went over to my ex and told him, privately, that I looked him up online and that his commercial license was disqualified and his regular license was revoked, and if he gets pickedup it is considered a criminal offense and he could go to jail. He resopnded with a, "Yeah - so?" type of response. I told him I just wanted him to know. It was silent for a few minutes and then I asked if he was going to appy for an occupational license - he responded, "just as soon as I can afford it."

His story about the judge throwing this out was a complete lie. I am contacting my attorney today to find out what else I need to do to protect our son.

My ex drove with our son from April - last week of June without a license. I realize the license isn't the issue - the issue is the drinking.. but the license is a mechanism to get at the drinking.

My son is very anxious about everything. We were driving away from my ex's house, and my son asked if his father was driving when he wasn't supposed to and lying about things, I responded yes, I think he is lying and driving when he shouldn't, but that this was an outcome of the disease and once he addressed that and gets it under control things will be better.

Thanks for listening.
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Unread 07-25-2010, 09:00 PM   #211
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Good for you for telling his parents.

I can only suggest that you don't let you son in a vehicle that his father is driving. Your son does not need to see his father's arrest when he is caught driving on a revoked drivers license. Your son could end up being taken to the police station until you could be contacted to pick him up.
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Unread 07-26-2010, 10:46 AM   #212
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Dear 1418,
Lee posted another reason to alert his parents - aside from safety, Lee is right, how traumatizing it would be for him to be in the car /has a bench warrant etc.... If you were to put pen to paper the list to tell the parents, thus allowing him to be driven, outweigh not telling them.

It sounds like his parents have wised up /are fed up since last year, from what you relayed they are supporting him financially thus getting alcohol. The checking of the garbage/hiding places is all well and good, but believe me, if there is a will there is surely a way for your ex to get alcohol. You are wise to consult your attorney and stay on top of this.
I just hate you are trying to move on with your life and constantly get pulled back into his issues.

Lee 's post had me thinking - i can see the scenario, your ex has your son with him and needing alcohol because he at this point is physically dependent on it .... puts your son in the impossible situation of talking him into Not telling Anyone "just let me run to the store, it will just take a second, besides - they are all over reacting , I can hear it now because I would have used the same "logic" .

I just wonder since the consequences of your ex's drinking are progressing into more serious issues, is there any indication that he is willing to get help ? If his parents refuse to help him, who will he turn to ?
If he is close with his parents and they become proactive about helping him find help( if he is becomes open to it ) then maybe they can reach him ???? I know it is a big IF ! I say that b/c my family's tough love approach saved my life.
I was very entrenched in denial - the more things that went wrong, the more I wanted an escape, my last enabler emotionally and financially was my Mom, I credit my family mostly my Mom with having the guts to Say NO - you are on your own, ( she went to Al Anon which I am glad she had that support).
I had never felt so lonely, angry, how dare they? but mostly lonely - missing b-days, nieces, nephews. The progression
started out with the loss of relationships, family , then a fiancee who just could not deal with me/my addiction - which in turn was like throwing kerosene on a fire. I was lost.Justified in my mind to retreat even more. Then went onto a way of life I hope I never return to... it didn't take long for everything to come crashing down on me in a BIG way. Without funds to pay for legal fees, I made one call and despite her worry ( a mother's natural instinct to save their child ) my Mom stayed strong and said you have one last chance left- if you blow this that is it, and you have to pay me back for the detox / long term treatment , legal fees, etc... and i did pay her back every cent, it took 2 years but I did it , it made me accountable, and never borrowed money from her again !

I know I say this a lot but people do put their disease into remission, it takes a lot of work, wanting it, but there are lots of options out there today! If anything , I hope your ex will find his way through this mess that is addiction, so that you all can go on with your lives in a healthy /happier way.

Until then- hang in there - you have the knowledge and more- a keen intuition when it comes to your ex. Don't forget about your well being, try to find peace and happiness, you deserve it !
Sending good thoughts your way ! Carly
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Unread 07-26-2010, 06:41 PM   #213
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Hi Carly,

Thank you very much for your post. You nailed it - I am TRYING to move on but that darn SOB keeps on trying to drag me (and my son) backwards.

It is intersting, my son really doesn't want to see his father when his father calls and invites him over.

I agree his parents were fed up - but they give in quite quickly. My ex MIL called and asked where in the world I got the idea that my ex was drinking during the day, because she watches him like a hawk and blah blah blah (as if it really matters what time of day he drinks? the point is - HE IS DRINKING). My ex-inlaws don't stay strong for very long. My guess is they will provide him with a crutch, just like they did/have done for YEARS with their daughter.

I am taking your advice on creating "me" time and I"m probably going to join the gym near my house and near my work. I'm going to try to go at noon every day and workout. I weigh the most I ever have without being pregnant.... this past weekend I tried to go biking with friends and I had to quit half way through - my heart rate was so high I thought i was going to be sick. I don't need to be a body builder or Ironman - but I would like to be able to do whatever activity I would like to do!

I am not letting my son go anywhere in a vehicle with his father driving. I can't imagine what it would be like to learn that your father was going to jail, much less be a witness to the arrest.

Thanks so much for being there. I really appreciate your posts.
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Unread 07-27-2010, 04:02 PM   #214
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My son is supposed to go over to his father's house tonight for dinner. He doesn't want to go. When we saw my Ex at the baseball game last night, my ex "told/ordered" our son to go over to his (ex's) house for dinner this evening. I could tell then and there that our son didn't wan to go.

I just received a call from my son that he wants to stay home this evening. He has been tryign to call his dad to let him know, but hasn't been able to reach him.

I called my ex and left a vmail that our son wants to stay home this evening.

What do I do? Do I force my son to go over to his father's house? Looking for advice please.
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Unread 07-27-2010, 09:50 PM   #215
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1418, If you son does not want to go don't force him.
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Unread 07-28-2010, 11:41 AM   #216
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Dear 1418-

Sorry I didn't see this sooner, imo your son probably wants a break. He did Just see him at the game the night before. Plus you have no guarantee that ex will not be drinking. At this point he may at the very minimum, be drinking to just stave off alcohol withdrawals. Maybe you could ask the ex- inlaws to have a family dinner at their house, if that would put you and son's mind at ease ?

Any word from the attorney ? I am curious to know what they advise in light of recent events, ticket, the lying etc...
And I totally agree about the point you made- what dif does it make what Time of day he drinks- that is most likely your ex's and a parent's "rationalization. " If you have to copy and send them educational info ( again ) then try it.
I will bet they may balk at first but end up reading it, sometimes it takes a while for that seed that is planted to germinate and for them start taking action, face the facts and the seriousness esp. if they are willing to help him help himself.... Just hope he doesn't burn those bridges.

I think joining a gym is a great idea, anything to make yourself feel better/healthy. Try not to be so hard on yourself about any weight gain. I have jeans that are a sizes 14 down to 4 - it happens, especially in times of stress. Things will level out - don't worry so much about the weight /size but more about being HEALTHY , emotionally and physically. You can do it, I know you can.

Hang in there and take care, Carly : )
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Unread 07-30-2010, 07:09 PM   #217
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Hi guys,

I really need you! The man I have been seeing for the past 7 months or so called it quits today. Actually, what he said was that he needed space. His youngest son is going off to college in 3 weeks. After his son leaves, he will be completely free - he ca move, he can do whatever he wants to do.

I have been sensing him pulling away the past few weeks. Finally last night I asked if he needed space, and he said yes. He said that he isn't sure how our lives will mesh together in the future. He said sometimes he can see it clearly, but other times he doesn't.

Ever since I found out about the drunk driving ticket of my ex (which was in the first week of July), I have been less avaialble for doing things him. Caring for my son is a full-time job, and the man I was falling in love with had to take whatever time was left over. I don't blame him for questioning our future. But my heart is broken, and it just hurts so much.

I don't want my son to know yet - he has the weight of the world on his shoulders as it is with my ex being a drunk.

Please pray that my heart heals fiarly quickly. I need to be strong for my son, but right now it hurts when I breathe. I really loved him.
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Unread 07-31-2010, 02:08 PM   #218
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1418~

I've been away for a while (just had a baby) and I'm back trying to catch up on everyone here. I've been reading your thread and all your up's and down's.

First off....so sorry you have a broken heart. It feels so good to have a "love" and when it's threatened and/or gone, it hurts so bad. It sounds like it may not be a permanent thing. Maybe he does need some time, after all his life is in a bit of transition now, too. Perhaps he's freaking out about the "empty nest"?? Give it a few days and see what happens. He may realize that amidst the drama, he really misses you.

As far as your ex goes, seems things are same/worse than before. He's doing all the same things and the consequences are piling up and he's not willing to change. At least his parents aren't in the deep denial they were in before. The more they enable, the longer they'll ALL be sick.

Your son breaks my heart. As the daughter of an alcoholic father and divorced parents at the age of 8-10 (including the separation to the divorce) it such a hard position to be in. Your parents are "your people". They're your support system, your structure, your love, your life and your security. When any level of that breaks down, it's hard to cope. He WILL get through this but he'll go through a lot of ups and downs. I'm sure he's very protective of his father but at the same time, understand that he'd rather not be around him, too. I'm glad to hear all of you are getting counseling.

Be kind to yourself this weekend. Keep it busy but keep it light.

SLynn
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Unread 07-31-2010, 04:59 PM   #219
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Dear 1418 ,

As always SLynn has such great feedback . I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, I can throw some cliches your way - if it is meant to be- he will soon change his mind, when one door closes another opens... but a broken heart is just that, it hurts like Heck and I am so sorry.
Ditto what Slynn said- be kind to yourself, keep it light...

maybe try to stay busy , watch some movies ? And Absolutely sending thoughts and prayers your way. We are here for ya - even if just to listen, okay ?

Take care, Carly
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Unread 08-01-2010, 03:54 PM   #220
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Thank you for responding. I don't have much to say, other than I am trying to be strong for my son. He knows I am hurting, and he knows it doens't have anything to do with him. I did apologize to him for introducing my boyfriend to him... I told him I really thought it would be okay for hiim to meet my boyfriend and that I didn't want to cause him any additional stress, that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders dealing with his father's drinking.

Right now I am numb. I alternate between being completely numb and hurting like anything. Numb is great and I am thankful for when it comes around.

One interesting thing happened. My Ex called during one of my crying spells (my son isn't home).. and he was surprisingly supportive. We did end up talking about when he will be healthy enough to spend more time with our son. My ex admitted that he has made really poor choices in the past, that he is trying to get out of debt first, adn then move on. Somehow I told him that it was very difficult to believe him, that he lied to me about the drunk driving ticket. His response was that he was embarassed, but that he admits he has made bad choices and that he is really trying to get better. He also told me that he recognizes that he is asking a great deal of me by having our son with me all of the time. He said it shouldn't be that way and he is working towards getting better so one day he wil be able to have our son with him more.

We also talked about how his drinking has a major impact on our son. This coming weekend, my ex and my son and another father/son combo are supposed to go to a pro footbal family day/weekend thing. I told my ex that he can't drink, becuase when he does it freaks our son out to no end. My ex acknolwedged this and said he understood and that he has no plans to drink.

I'm not naive enough to believe him, but this was the first time that he took a small amount of responsiblity for his actions. I hope he means it and that he may be on a different path than his past destructive behavior.

I'm not getting my hopes up, but I do acknolwedge that the converesation was somewhat decent.

He also was very kind to me, said he was so sorry for things not working out between me and my boyfriend. He was genuinely caring and kind to me... I was quite surprised. He also said that he didn't want our son to see me like this (which I agree with) and he offered suggestions of how to keep our occupied

I haven't been able to sleep. I am hoping I will be able to get a short nap in sometime today, but when I close my eyes I just can't sleep. I try saying things to myself like, "better now than later" in terms of the break up, but it isn't working.

Anyway - thank you again for your posts. I appreciate it very much.
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Unread 08-01-2010, 05:13 PM   #221
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1418,

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Some time alone and he may realize what he is missing!
This is a tired old cliche' and I know you may not feel it right now but 'it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'. The capacity to be touched by someone, to love someone, is truly one of life's precious gifts. Today your heart is heavy but with each passing day the winds of time will wash some of the pain away. Without pain one would not know joy!

Stay strong, you're such a great role model for your son.

Regards,
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Unread 08-01-2010, 08:31 PM   #222
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1418, You are in a situation where you are hurting.

Watch out for the me me person in the form of you ex. Like alcohol he is cunning baffling & powerful when he has you in a weak moment.
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Unread 08-02-2010, 01:51 PM   #223
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R.Lee,

As always, thank you for your direct and likely dead on input. Now that I have actually slept 6 hours, I feel a little better and I don't disagree with you. I want so badly to think that my ex is getting better/stronger, that I did believe him yesterday. This morning I woke up and asked myself, what was I thinking?

Actions speak louder than words. We shall see if his actions are in line with what he said to me. Until then, I don't believe him.

Thanks again for the reality check.
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Unread 08-02-2010, 01:56 PM   #224
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1418,
Stay strong and focused. It is a very confusing time. I hope you are talking to someone professionally, I could be missing that, if you are, good.
Jerry
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Unread 08-02-2010, 02:01 PM   #225
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Also - an update on the boyfriend situation. He is definately going through a mid-life crisis. Doesn't like his job, youngest child leaving for college, and in his mind all along he thought he would have complete freedom to look for a new job anywhere in the world. If he is with me, that isn't an option.

He has to figure out if he would rather live elsewhere without me, or here with me. I think he would be a fool to give up what we have, but I don't control him (one thing I learned from being with an alcoholic!!!).. He has to come to that conclusion by himself.

He was also concerned and had already decided that he was a bad boyfriend and was feeling guilty becuase the next 3 weeks are going to be pretty much taken up by time with his boys. I completely understand that. I think he needs to spend time with his boys/just the 3 of them - who knows when this opportunity will come up again. I told him what I do what to know, however, is if he misses me or not over the next few weeks. If he doesn't miss me, then we have an issue. He responded by saying that he missed me all weekend! I said, "that is awesome!"

Things are not solidified. He needs to figure out the work thing. He told me if things work out at his present employer, then we don't have an issue. That tells me that he puts our relationship, in terms of value, at the same level of his job. I'm not sure if I like that or not. I'll have to wait and see.

At one point I also asked if he wanted to see other people (early on in the conversation when I was trying to figure out where he was coming from). He responded by saying that yes, he would want to see other people if we don't have a future together. I'm not sure what that means. I'm good enough for him if he is in the area, but not good enough if he needs to relocate? I'm not sure if I like that either.

Time will tell. It is true - if I let him go and he comes back, then we are good forever. If he doesn't come back, then he was never mine to begin with. I don't like the "mine" part of that phrase, but I get it.. if he doesn't come back to the relationship - then we never had what I thought we had to begin with.

In the meantime I am going to move forward, join that gym, and start working out. I need to take care of myself mentally AND physically. It is time to invest in "me".

Thank you for listening.
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Unread 08-02-2010, 06:05 PM   #226
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1418

Well, I guess it's pretty good news regarding your "boyfriend". Don't read too much into the job/move thing. My take on it, strictly from your explanation, is that he's more than likely protecting HIS heart. There are lots of variables in his life right now and even the most established relationship/marriage would struggle with all the issues he's facing.

I'm glad you found some comfort in your husbands "ear" but I would proceed with MUCH caution on that one. I'm afraid it will come back to bite you, although I could be wrong...but probably not if history tends to repeat itself. But who knows, right? You've come too far to let your guard down.

Again, these are just my opinions and observations. Priority one is your son and everything else is secondary. I applaud you for keeping your focus. It's so very hard when your heart hurts.

SLynn
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Unread 08-06-2010, 04:35 PM   #227
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Dear 1418,
Just checking in with you, with the weekend coming up, I did not know if that was a good thing or not- esp if your son goes on that weekend retreat.
After realizing that ex may not stick to his promise of no drinking with your son, what did you decide? You mentioned another Father /son would be there ... but you mentioned if your ex drinks it will upset your son ? catch 22 - yes?
Anyway,
I do hope you are feeling better, maybe the initial sting is lessening?
You deserve no less than best, you are a smart and beautiful woman and any man would be lucky to be with you.
You know that everyone here cares so much about you, you are so very helpful as well and I thought all of the feedback was great - esp. hearing from the guys !!
I do not know what you have planned for the weekend but we are here for you.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way. Take care, Carly
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Unread 08-06-2010, 09:33 PM   #228
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HI Carly,

Thank you for your kind words! I did end up letting my son go. I don't know if that was okay or not. My ex is also going up with his girlfriend and her daughter. I met the girlfriend once and really enjoyed her personality. We were sitting near each other at the ball game, and my ex MIL started talking back and giving the up a hard time. Now keep in mind - the up was all of maybe 13 years old.

My ex came over and said somethign to me about - "cant you keep her quiet?" I looked at his girlfriend and said - "that's not my problem anymore, it is hers!"

I am so hoping that my ex doens't blow this opportunity with our son. I know he has been missing our son like CRAZY... but if missing or loving somebody was enough, he would have quit drinking a long time ago.

Ironically, in the mail tonight I received a copy of the arrest report from his DUI. It reads that he almost drove into a cement barrier, and then the officer followed him for awhile, pulled him over, administered the field tests which he failed, etc.

He blew a .22 in the field and then a .20 at the station.

I am a bit anxious about my son being up there, but am really hoping it turns out well. I am kind of kicking myself for letting him go, but he has called 2 times and it sounded like he was having fun so far...

Thank you for checking in on me. It is appreciated more than you know!!!
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Unread 08-07-2010, 09:03 AM   #229
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1418

Hope you aren't struggling with too much anxiety with your son away. Are you able to sleep when he's gone? I would imagine it would be hard. It must give you some peace and satisfaction that your son seems to be having fun.

Hope time passes quickly for you.

SLynn
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Unread 08-08-2010, 12:24 PM   #230
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Dear 1418,
I hope your weekend went well and that your son had a good time on the trip.

Have a good day !
Take care , Carly : )
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Unread 08-08-2010, 08:54 PM   #231
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Hi SLynn & Carly,

The weekend went by - sometimes quickly, but most times, not so quickly. My son called me quite a bit which was a blessing. He genuinely had a very good time. When they returned home, I asked my ex if he drank at all and he said no. Based on how good my son is being right now (e.g. not tied up in knots, not trying to pick fights with me), I think it is possible that my son did not see him drink this weekend.

I told my ex that I was glad they had a good time, and it sounds like a good memory maker, and that I hope they have MANY more positive memory makers.

That's about it. I'm pretty flat tonight emotionally. I'm not sure what that is about, but I just am.

I hope you both had good weekends.

Take care,
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Unread 08-10-2010, 12:48 PM   #232
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Hello,

Just checking in. I am still flat emotionally today. I initiate communication with my "boyfriend" but I am disatissfied because I want him to make me feel better about us, and he doesn't.

I am supposed to see him on Thursday. I don't know if I am looking forward to it or not. I"m just flat. Is this normal? Or is this my new defense mechanism since living through so many disappointments with my ex? Is is just me - or a by product of livign with an alcoholic for years?

I miss the relatinoship that we used to have - not this junk we have now - "seeing each other without seeing each other" - that is a load of crud.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I guess time will tell. I don't know if you can go forward in a relationship when it is so unbalanced (he's not sure if we have a future together or not). How do you go backwards? I guess we could hold steady where we are at .. that is what we were doing until he had his "freakout" session and wasn't sure if we had a future, if he wanted boundaries, etc.

I don't like this very much. If I am honest with myself, I think when we get together on Thursday it will be awkward at best and that it is over. Maybe I don't want to be with him anymore since he blind sided me with - "I need space to sort out my feelings" situation?

I wish one of you could get inside my heart and tell me what is going on in there. Too much noise going on for me to tell.

One thing I KNOW - I will not let my "boyfriend" near my son. He lost that privilege, and that is what it is - a privilege. My son is an incredible kid - and my boyfriend should feel lucky I let him meet my son, but I guess my boyfriend needs to recognize that.

Thanks for listening.
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Unread 08-10-2010, 02:23 PM   #233
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Hi,

For what it's worth I think everything you are feeling is 'normal' given your present situation . So by inference you are 'normal' ; ) . Take some time for yourself, - you deserve it!

Regards,
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Unread 08-10-2010, 08:48 PM   #234
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1418, I think you might have jumped from the frying pan & into the fire. Just my suggestion that your feelings for your boyfriend came too soon.
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Unread 08-11-2010, 10:50 AM   #235
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R. Lee

Too soon in the relationship, or too soon after divorcing my ex?
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Unread 08-11-2010, 05:04 PM   #236
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1418, I only make suggestions. I think you might have jumped into a serious relationship too soon after the divorce. I have done the same thing & it turned out bad.
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Unread 08-12-2010, 01:21 PM   #237
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RLee,

I know you are only making suggestions - I just wasn't certain what you were trying to say. Thanks for your input.
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Unread 08-12-2010, 01:39 PM   #238
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1418-
Sorry to say but I have to agree about moving too quickly into a relationship. A while back I had mentioned that it takes time to heal from being in a co-dependent/ addiction infused relationship and that being in therapy is really important. Many times, the partner who has taken the brunt of the disease wants desperately to feel loved, to feel appreciated because they went so long without that. Then, someone else comes along and you want all of what you were lacking from the previous relationship on top of what you expect from the current relationship. You carry all the feelings (both good and bad) along with you into every future relationship until you learn how to mend the co-dependent behaviors your addict has left you with. There is nothing wrong with wanting love and respect- but give that to yourself before you expect it from someone else. Take care of YOU.
With your son- boy, do I understand what you feel. My daughter stopped seeing her dad for a while because of his lack of consideration towards her needs and because he drank and would not leave the house. She would be holed up in his apartment all weekend doing nothing. No 15 year old wants that, so she said she wanted to stop going there. I told him and he was playing the pity party game- but we met with him and talked. It took a couple months to work it out. She recently started seeing him again and things are OK- BUT now he has not paid child support for over 3 months and I want to file papers for a hearing. He feels I am owed nothing and that he should be allowed to handle things on his own, but after 15 years he is still over $9000.00 behind and I am tired of being nice about it. If I pursue this- it may hurt any relationship the two of them are trying to build, and he knows this. It is always a game for control with him. I worry about my daughter 24/7 and when she is with him I never know what she will come home telling me. I have to be on guard the entire time they spend together. Is that a parent? Not really. All I have ever wanted was for my daughter to be happy. She has low self esteem and has been hurt by him too many times to count. It is hard to know if you are doing the right thing- because all you want is to please your child. I have made myself completely available to my child. She knows that nothing comes between us and she is my main concern always. Just having a parent that is an alcoholic/addict is enough to impact a child indefinitely and it takes allot of time and focus to help that child.
I will keep you in my thoughts.
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Unread 08-12-2010, 05:51 PM   #239
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1418

I wrote a long and too wordy response to this and it didn't flow like I wanted it to.

Basically, it said your loss of the boyfriend is real. Was it too soon to get in such a serious relationship after what you've been through? Perhaps. Regardless of the "hindsight" you are where you are. It's what you do forward that you have to worry about. I know it hurts...it's an all encompassing pain. But you are out of the drivers seat on this one, it seems.

What you can control is being a mom to your son. Do whats right in your heart by him and rest of the chips will fall as they may. You don't need a man to accomplish these things.

Take is day by day...that's all you can do.

SLynn
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Unread 08-13-2010, 11:01 AM   #240
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Thanks SLynn! VERY sound advice and solid/clear perspective. I really appreciate it. The one thing I know is that I have my priorities straight. My son is number one.... Others are number two.

If my boyfriend can't figure that out - then he wasn't the person I thought he was to begin with - and then I don't want him. Time will tell if he can get his head out of his @ss or not.

Thank you very much - your friendship and input is greatly appreciated!!!
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Unread 08-21-2010, 12:51 PM   #241
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Dear 1418,

Wanted to say hello, hope things are going well with you. I should post this on OFF topic - but here goes, I do not usually recommend movies, esp ones that are so hyped. BUT - I saw Eat Pray Love- BOY oh BOY ! I was laughing and crying simultaneously - it was such an emotional release ! I am eager to read the book - as Elizabeth Gilbert, seems to be a great writer, witty, deep becomes self - aware on her year off /journey. You probably know the jist - she divorces her husb. and takes a year a off to find herself , Italy, India, Bali - meeting all kinds of characters/helpers along the way. She has a new book called Committed about her new marriage as well.

Anyway thought I would share... disregard if you are already in the know ; )

Glad you have received such awesome feedback, hang in there !!

Take care, Carly
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Unread 08-21-2010, 08:44 PM   #242
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Good Evening 1418,

This is a time for you to be selfish, especially having a child. They don't need to be around that drama! People think kid's don't hear - but they do.

You were wondering whether to meet up with him. My Nana & Mom told me a Great Thing that really work's - when you think of going, go with your first thought. Your heart is trying to tell you what to do. I know it is not easy
but you really need to take care of you & your child.

It sound's like you don't want to , so follow your heart.

I wish you the Best of Luck,

casey

Last edited by CASEY; 08-21-2010 at 08:46 PM.. Reason: fix a word
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Unread 08-27-2010, 10:23 PM   #243
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HI 1418 ,

It's the weekend and wanted to check on you. I am glad to see that your son seemed to have a good time on the trip and most of all there was not any major drama !

Hope all is well, take care, Carly
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Unread 08-28-2010, 02:06 PM   #244
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Hello Carly,

Happy weekend!!! Things are going well. My son continues to be awesome and is the light of my life. I started going home over the lunch hour to work out, and it has made a big different on my mental state already. It will be even better when my son is in school and I have the house to myself!!!!

My ex continues to sell everything that he owns at a garage sale. I think he must be hurting financially. I think the next to sell will likely be the house, but I hope I am wrong.

He claims he isn't drinking anymore, but again - who knows. I hope he isn't, but I still don't believe anything he says.

Things with my boyfriend are interesting. I continued to be guarded with him until he earns my trust back. The advice to go with my first instinct is awesome and appreciated.

I want you to know I really value your friendship and appreciate you checking in on me!!
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Unread 08-28-2010, 07:19 PM   #245
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Hi 1418-

Glad you are doing so well and your son is doing well too. I have a very direct question and hope you don't find it too upsetting. Why are you starting a new relationship? Is it because you want to create something you couldn't with your ex? To fill a void you think you have? I only ask because you always say you put your son first. Yet, you are not putting him first if you have a boyfriend. I know your needs count too, but your son should come first and I just worry that things may not go well, then you will be hurting even more and that will be one more thing your son will have to deal with. My nieces and nephew have had to deal with their parents splitting and then rushing into a new relationship where they were put last, not first. Not to say that this is what's happening with you, but please be careful with your son. He may say he's okay with things, but he really may not be. Just giving you thoughts from an outsider. I may be all wrong, but the children are the ones who suffer the most and they deserve our undivided attention!! Take care and again, I apologize if I upset you.

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Unread 08-28-2010, 07:47 PM   #246
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Dear 1418,
Wow , you sound very upbeat and look at you - working out- GOOD for you ! I hope it is a stress release as well as gets your endorphins pumping !
Also so happy that all is well with you/your son - oh yes I also am waiting for school to start back, because - not to jinx it further - but it has been "one hot mess " of a summer, ( as Chelsea Handler would say) ! btw- If you want a great laugh out loud book- read her latest book, in fact all 3 of them had me stitches- staying up late to read each one.

You are so wise, as usual , to be guarded on both issues : with the ex - as you say who knows what he is up to ? Is he working ? I know you mentioned the parents were concerned about that at one point.
And with the current BF situation. Yes allow him to earn back your trust. if that is the route you want to go... I tell ya, it is tough having a BF ( not that marriage is always a cake walk ; ) but the stories I hear from my girlfriends, the complications, the manipulations (not generalizing ALL men in any form or fashion ) but just dislike what they go through when a potential BF is dishonest or making a play.

I believe SLynn and others had so much great feedback with the BF situation, I cannot add anything to that - except maybe proceed with caution as far as that goes. Every woman deserves the best imo- Idealistic: maybe, but.... just my humble opinion.

Anyway, glad you are feeling better and having a great weekend with your son : )
Be well - when in doubt remember how so very far you have come !
Take care,
Carly
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Unread 09-01-2010, 12:35 PM   #247
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Hi 1418,

Just checking on you . FWIW,as I mentioned - you got great feedback already about the BF situation. I understand what Slynn and Magda are saying about getting involved with someone too soon, too serious etc... perhaps before you had time to heal and deal with the aftermath of living with an alcoholic spouse. I do not think anyone is saying you should have to live like a nun , just be cautious, examine your motives, etc...

I have often wondered if you contemplated putting ( physical ) distance between you and the Ex since his life is still spiraling , drama fueled and the latest , the DUI, ( which you promptly handled in order to keep your son safe).
It is tough situation, you want him to have a relationship with his Dad, but you mentioned his actions have the potential to still pull you and your son back into the chaos.

You worked so hard to get OUT of the situation with your EX, after exhausting all avenues - YOU took Action to remove your son and yourself from an unhealthy , damaging, situation when it became clear that your ex, no matter what you tried , had no desire , was not ready , to stop drinking and the he*l that can go with that.

Stay strong, positive, imo - people care and want the best for you because you have worked diligently to keep your son safe and healthy.

Anyway, just checking in with you- I do hope all is going well with you and your son. And back to school time ! Keep us posted, take care, Carly
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Unread 09-01-2010, 01:30 PM   #248
SLynn
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Hi 1418

Just checking in on you, too. Hoping your weekend was well and all things are peaceful.

SLynn
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Unread 09-02-2010, 01:35 AM   #249
luvmer
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Default Kudos . . .

1418:
I have followed your story and just want to say to you that despite some criticism you have gotten for having a relationship, I say kudo's to you!
As long as your child is your priority (which is is evident in your case!) I see this as such a great thing for you!
All too often those of us who are left to pick up the pieces as a result of addiction are made to feel that we should be martyr's and so "devoted" to the cause of our children and our ex's sobriety that we cannot proceed with life! Sometimes it is not realized the energy and effort it takes not only to date, but just to keep on living in general! So, again, hats off! It is great that you are making these strides and trying to form relationships again!!!
While relationships are certainly complicated by these issues, there is no logical reason why you can't have one! It has been quite a respectable amount of time! I can remember leaving my ex and telling a friend I had no interest in dating . . . that was many moons ago! And while I still have not found that "right guy for me" I do still have hopes that he is out there . . . for me and for you!!! We have to keep trying though! If all we do is parent and work, is that really living?
Make sure you take time for yourself! I have rediscovered that I love to read, cook and spend time with friends! I know what I am willing to compromise- or not- for a relationship. These are not easy things to figure out, but along the way of dating and learning to love again make sure you remember you and make sure that whatever is important to you is always honored!!!
Many blessings and much hope for future happiness sent your way! Keep your chin up!

Mer

P.S. I believe good things are going to happen for you!!! DON'T EVER SETTLE!!! (we did that the first go round . . . we gotta hold out this time!!! or mr. perfect for 1418 . . . anyway . . . )
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Unread 09-07-2010, 11:57 AM   #250
1418
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Oh man! I typed a note and for some reason it didn't post.. Round 2!!

Thank you for your comments. This past weekend I went north to my parent's cottage with my BF, my son, and my mother. My son is VERY controlling right now. He attempts to control everyone and every situation, from what we are having for dinner, to how long we stay out on the boat, to where I sleep. It is extremely frustrating and exhausting for everyone. Examples:

-having chicken for dinner. He stays he won't eat it (he likes chicken) and that he just won't eat anything. Another example - if he is hungry and we go to Sub Way, if I don't eat with him, he won't eat and says, "fine then, I just won't eat anything and I will starve."

-On the boat - he wanted to go in, my BF and I wanted to keep riding. We dropped off my son and mother. When my BF and I arrived home, my son was furious because we went down part of the shore that we didn't explicitly say we were going to look at.

-Sleeping: he may not sleep in my bed - period. I have explained to him why (his age, he needs to be independent and confident in his ability to sleep by himself so he can go to sleepovers, and that I NEED my space). He can sleep on the floor of my room or in his own room (with a new $800 mattress). He coudln't sleep last night, and was furious that I was so selfish and wouldn't let him sleep in my bed. I held my ground, eventually laid down with him for 10 minutes in his room, where he felt promptly alseep.

-He wouldn't "spot" for water skiing. He said, "if I'm not having fun, nobody has fun." UUUGGGG

I am calling the counselor today. I can't stand this. I need help. I don't know how much of this is having a father that is an alcoholic, and how much is being 11 years old.

Thanks for listening.
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