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Unread 09-04-2010, 10:35 PM   #51
R. Lee
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CJ, None of us wake up one day & say I wan't be an alcoholic. I want to hurt family & friends with my alcoholic drinking.
You see we are different from the people that can have a couple of drinks & then quit. If I were to take a drink of any kind of alcohol I would not be able to stop. I would be drinking that 1st drink & thinking how could I get 20 more.
My words may have seemed harsh in my earlier post but we alcoholics can justify that one drink & then go back to drinking more than before.
I wish you the best in a new sober life.
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Unread 09-04-2010, 11:41 PM   #52
CarlyO
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Hi CJ,
Hope all is well, it occurred to me you may be on a vacay or maybe getting some R &R with the long weekend. Please know , we post because we care : )
Be well, we're here for you, Carly
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Unread 09-05-2010, 11:39 AM   #53
R. Lee
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CJ, I'm carrying some guilt that I might have scared you away. Don't let my harsh words keep you away. I only wanted to see you continue in your sobriety
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Unread 09-05-2010, 03:49 PM   #54
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CJ,

Thought of you last night. I attended my 30yr reunion last night. Long story short. I was at the bar buying a beer for a friend. The approach to the bar, the interaction with the bartender, all seemed so natural. Like a motion picture scene replaying in my mind, where I was the main character. The beer bottle in my hand felt like it belonged, like it was a part of me because in fact it is, or had been for such a major part of my life. A tiny voice in me called out for a sip of that beer as I walked back. A tiny innocent voice...but it needed to be denied. I was caught off guard by that voice, but not surprised for I've learned it will speak to me. When I first stopped drinking it yelled at me, did not want to be ignored. Now it is just a seemingly innocent voice lulling me into complacency. One sip. Both voices are dangerous to those in recovery for they are one in the same. They will destroy my way of life if I listen to them.

I don't live in fear of relapse but I do respect the power alcohol has to change my life. I accept the fact I cannot consume alcohol and can honestly say my life is now better without it. I don't miss it and today I don't struggle with it consciously but I know it will always be there lying in wait. And I am OK with that for it is part of who I am. You will hear those who have been sober, with time, tell one to be vigilante. This is just one small reason why....

CJ we all care how you're doing and want the best for you. It is the voices of experience and their knowledge from those experiences they want to pass on to you..... So you too can succeed and prosper once again.

Stay Safe, Stay Strong!

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 09-05-2010, 11:44 PM   #55
carjohn11
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Doing "okay". That seems to be the best answer. Still not drinking. I can't remember the last Labor Day weekend where we were not out with a group of friends camping and drinking all night and probably mixing a few cocktails around lunch as well.

Do I want to drink? Yes! I can honestly say that right now if I had a bottle of Vodka I would dive into it. That is why it is not here. Beer is still around but I really have no desire for it. The other day, I was really just trying to cool my mouth off. Capsaicin (sp?) which is what makes stuff spicy is not water soluble. You need fat (like in milk) or alcohol (like in beer or wine) to wash it out. When milk wasn't working, I reached for the beer thinking nothing of it because I don't like beer.... but in hindsight it was a mistake.

I understood what you were saying R Lee. You need to carry no guilt for scaring me off :-) Friday was my hubby's birthday and with my daughter's is coming up and school starting next week, I have been busy, but in a good way.

My therapy appt for the week has to be later in the week because of the holiday and I am kind of upset about that. I want to keep a regular schedule with her but I'm sure we'll get on track.

I wonder when these STRONG cravings to drink will pass? Or at least get better. I think they are getting worse but maybe it is just the holiday weekend and staying home making me feel anxious about it all.

Am I struggling? Absolutely! Will I make it? Time will tell. Will I have a drink today? No.... I will get through today. That is all I know for sure right now...
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Unread 09-06-2010, 07:55 AM   #56
Saint
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CJ,

Jerry gave me some insight on cravings, urges etc. that was simply amazing for me. It blew me away and stays with me. Let me see if I can find it........
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Unread 09-06-2010, 08:06 AM   #57
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CJ,
My questions to Jerry in blue. His response in black. There were more comments and they can be found in my thread, October, November time frame 2009. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me!

When people have spoken of 'triggers' in the past I assumed the trigger was in response to an immediate emotion or one which recently occurred. If I understand you correctly the 'urge' is perhaps a response to emotions that have been buried or not confronted in the past? Yes?

You mention embracing the 'urge' in a caring way which on the face of it seems counterintuitive. It begs one question from me - How?


Yes it can be an immediate emotion or response to some present stress. But we are often dealing with long standing emotional issues that can be projected onto the present experience. It is confusing.

If one responds to an 'urge' as an unwanted presence to be feared and eliminated you risk appeasing it by drinking or by some other form of an unhealthy response. So it may make sense to regard it as natural, given the reality of one's situation, in other words it is part of the addictive process. It has become a way of life albeit an undesirable one. This is what needs to be changed. Still that is easier said than done.

Is there a part of you that hates the urge to use and for that matter hates the addictive presence altogether? That response re-enforces the problem. The way of addiction is to separate and isolate parts of the personality to accommodate the presence of the destructive substance and behaviors therein. The process of recovery is to reunite these "parts" into the healing whole.

Addiction promotes an ambivalence to one's own life. To diminish the role of this ambivalence one must begin to regard all emotional experiences and equally legitimate, and welcome, though painful. It means learning to love and care for something that has become difficult to love.

One must replace appeasement with care. As though the urge is an unruly ill mannered child that needs to be civilized and redirected. One must not allow the unruly child to rule the roost, nor can it be eliminated by throwing it out. When you drink that is in effect what one has been doing. Taking a vital part of our emotional family and throwing into the yard, separating chemically it from is place and role in the family. It is part of the family, part of the self. Without realizing it the addict has created this situation and upon realizing this painful condition compounds the problem by responding with fear shame and guilt. This may be why early recovery can be very painful.

Embrace is a gentle word. And if you notice addiction is one of brutality.
That being said, you can begin to see what you are up against. This can be resolved but one must remain sober to do it. We realize how painful that is. Support is key. Meetings to help with the isolation, allowing one to be honest about in expressing their condition and feelings. Talk therapy, to help resolve unresolved issues. One may also need clinical medical help to actually stay sober. Consider all avenues. But stay sober through out.
And then there is the grieving process! Oy!
Hope that makes some sense.
All the best
Jerry


CJ every time I read Jerry's comment on urges I am in awe, it is amazing don't you think!!!

Stay Strong, Stay Safe,
Saint
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Unread 09-06-2010, 11:05 AM   #58
R. Lee
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CJ, Thank you for saying that I did not scare you off.

I had my 6 year of sobriey on 9/5. I no longer have an urge to drink. I'm aware that my once best friend alcohol is siting near me just waiting for for me to get weak & want a drink.

I had to use a support grup to get & stay sober. I had tried many times to do it myself & I could not stop.

My best to you CJ
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Unread 09-07-2010, 04:09 PM   #59
carjohn11
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Wahoo! Survived the holiday weekend with no drinking! :-) It's a big deal for me....
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Unread 09-07-2010, 08:41 PM   #60
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Yes it is a big deal..... congrats! You've earned a chocolate sundae : )

Regards,
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Unread 09-07-2010, 08:53 PM   #61
R. Lee
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Good for you CJ!
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Unread 09-08-2010, 11:31 AM   #62
Magda
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That is great news! I am very happy for you!
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Unread 09-09-2010, 11:50 PM   #63
carjohn11
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Had my 1st real "run in" if you will, with someone who was upset with me for not doing more. I of course had guilt, felt horrible for being so selfish with my time, causing them stress by me not at least giving them more information so they could fulfill their volunteer role (new board member who I also consider a friend) I kept apologizing and asking what I could do to make it right but she was just too upset with me.... I ended up deciding to entrust her with the info that I am going through some alcohol therapy and really have had to be more selfish. I did not need to give all the details. Just the summary that this is something I am dealing with and I really have to put it 1st.

IMEDIATELY she understood. This is a person who would never gossip, never repeat anything, just is not about that. It felt good to tell her. She said that she judged me because I have always been so, kind of... gung ho, get it done, always there, always helpful.... before I told her what was going on, she kept saying that she expected more from me.

That really is the problem. People expect too much from me but it is because I have allowed that perception. All the parents who do nothing but drop their kids off get no judgment. I am actually judged because I do so much that if I drop the ball even a bit, everyone sees it.... Funny how life works....
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Unread 09-10-2010, 07:22 PM   #64
CarlyO
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Hi CJ,

I am glad you recognize what comes first, yes, this is the time to be selfish, true friends will understand, often with little explanation at all.

Think of it maybe like this... do the work NOW, b/c - if you return to alcohol, that beast will be waiting- eager to consume you and you will not be available for anyone or anything except for the beast.

Keep moving forward, baby steps , big steps, just keep moving towards your goals.
Take care and congrats on making it through the holiday ! Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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