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Unread 02-14-2008, 05:17 AM   #1
rkjmtc
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Default 15 steps back

We went out and talked tonight. He took me to the places that he goes too. He introduces me as his wife. We actually laugh and have a good time. Then we start talking; He says he is finding out things about himself. He says he doesn't know what he wants out of life, he says he has Uncle Mike to think about. He brought him here and he is going to straighten him out. He says he likes having the freedom. He wants to know what I want out of life. I tell him I want to be his wife. He says but do you want to just sit in the house all day. Don't I want to go back to school or do anything? I tell him I am a great mom and that I don't just sit I raise our children. He hints at me telling him to leave like he wants to address it. We fade off of talking and joke and make lite hearted conversation. We leave where we were and drive back to my van. He invites me in and shows me his apartment. (His Uncle is asleep on a blow up mattress in the living room. Which has an empty entertainment center and a tv in it.) We sit in Rick's room and talk about the evening and me having to go home to the kids. Somehow I end up being with him. I feel sick on the way home. There really is no choice but to move on. I know what he says he wants. He wants self discovery and freedom. I want something different. I want to share my life. Right now is the time I have with my children I chose that (so did he) freedom comes once that job is finished. God I took one huge step forward and feel like I just ran 15 steps backward. What the heck is wrong with me? I am spineless. Loving someone is not supposed to hurt like this. I am so sorry.
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Unread 02-14-2008, 10:57 AM   #2
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Loving is always different. It has it ups and downs. I know that this hurts. Don't look back. Look forward. Be strong for yourself. Love yourself. What was meant to be was meant to be. I love, we all do. But do we love ourselves? That is really the issue. Love yourself. Feel good about what you have accomplished. Don't get sucked into the mess. We care about you remember you have friends here. Just because you give to temptation makes us all human. The difference is learning from our mistakes and not repeating them. Good luck kid.
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Unread 02-14-2008, 01:29 PM   #3
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After last night I don't even believe it is alcohol anymore. He just doesn't want me. I don't know what to do. Not about him, I can't change him. I just really, really do not know how to handle the hurt. Don't worry I am not suicidal, I wish I was, But I would never do that to the kids. But how do people survive this? I am (hopefully) thru trying to figure him out. I have to figure out what I am going to do. Not only do I not know where to start, I don't have the strength to to do this. God, I am begging you to please help me.
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Unread 02-14-2008, 02:01 PM   #4
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Oh honey...I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with Soldier..you gave into temptation, therefore you are human. We all are and we have all made mistakes. Turning those feelings (which we associate with LOVE) is NOT easy.

The good news is, yesterday is done and gone. Now you can move forward, don't look back. Chalk the experience up to "lesson learned". Take it one day at a time. Or even one minute at a time. I find when my heart feels like it is breaking into 1000000 different pieces, it helps me to take a deep breath, count backward from 10 and then spend 30 seconds concentrating on the GOOD in my life (i.e, my kids, my kids, my kids, lol). It doesn't "fix" anything, but it gets you through the moment, which in turn brings you one moment closer to feeling like you are "better."

Hang in there, hon. You CAN do this!!
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Unread 02-14-2008, 03:12 PM   #5
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I am over the hump. I wrote in my journal and feel somewhat better. I have written another letter (that I will probably never give to him) if anyone is intrested I would love some feedback.

note: Rick and I have lived together as man and wife for 15 years, we were always going to make it official but never saw a need cuz we knew we would last forever.

Rick,
I enjoyed last night. I was a bundle of nerves before I saw you and it felt good to relax and get to know you better. That sounds funny after 15 years. I am glad I got to see a part of your life that has haunted me for ever. It wasn't so bad.

When we talked, I was happy and sad. I am glad that we are both growing and finding things out about ourselves. I am also so sad that it took this for us to stop and look around.

I have to say this Rick, I am sorry if it upsets you or makes things worse between us. You told me that if we had a baby we would get married. I am so happy to have Charli. I would not change that for anything. But I remember telling you I didn't know if wanted to have a baby when I was pregnant the first time. I expressed how I liked the fact that we could get up and go. I liked our freedom. WE chose to have a baby. I asked after I lost the baby if I should get fixed and you said you wanted to try again. How could stay away?

How did this happen to us? We survived so many things, Things that crush normal people. How did it come to you not knowing if you want our family? I guess I shouldn't put words into your mouth. But the cold hard facts are that you are choosing to stay away from home. So it feels as though you don't want this anymore.

I understand that you don't want to come back to how things were. I think we need some changes as well. The biggest thing I see is we need start talking again. We need to let each other know what is going on before it comes to this.

You asked what I want to do with my life last night. I want to be a mother, a wife, one day a grandmother. I look at Grandma Sue and I am envious. I want to take my family to the beach and make chicken salad with jalapeno juice and giggle at myself for doing it. I want to grow old with you and have no regrets for doing so. (Like Grandpa Charlie told me)
As far as working if I could do anything I would want to be a counselor. I think the things I have been thru were for a reason and I have so much to give. I would write a book. And maybe help change some one's world because they knew that they weren't alone. I don't know maybe stop some stupid girl from getting beat or raped. That is what I would do. I would take the wisdom and caring that overflows inside of me and share it. Maybe once Charli goes to school I will too. Maybe I will just volunteer, I don't know.

Riches and material things have never really been something I craved. I would have home with enough rooms. I would have enough. I don't want too much, just enough to be happy. As long as our needs are met and we can enjoy life what else is there.

I don't know what else to say. Other than, I love you. I want us to work it out. And I don't know if we can do that as long as you choose to stay away.

Please let me know what think about all of this. I really want to know, good or bad.
Kim
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Unread 02-14-2008, 03:25 PM   #6
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Good letter.

I think this is one you should give him.

SLynn
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Unread 02-14-2008, 03:49 PM   #7
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It is sad sometimes to think about what was or could be or will not be. I know that this is so true.
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Unread 02-14-2008, 10:05 PM   #8
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Very good letter. Pass it on to him... Good Luck!!
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Unread 02-15-2008, 12:32 AM   #9
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He brought me Flowers and candy. He visited for a while. He didn'r ask anything in return. I gave him the letter.
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Unread 02-15-2008, 11:45 AM   #10
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I am glad to hear the happiness in your voice. Please try to remember one thing and that is you. You are wonderful and you can't change anyone. I do believe you need to focus on yourself and everything will get better. If he wants this you will see and if he does not than you are helping yourself to respect yourself. God Bless you and have a good day
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Unread 02-15-2008, 02:20 PM   #11
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It is funny the little things that God does to help you thru the day. Last night when Rick left I was silently heart broken. It always so difficult when he goes "home", this is home. As I am about to have an axiety attack or perhaps just another pity party I get a phone call. My friend was having her own issues and came by we talked until around 11 and it helped to get out of myself for while. This morning I wake up and he isn't here. BAM! Smacked with reality again. I hate getting out of bed and hate being there too. I wake the kids and put the dogs out. Again just as the anxiety starts rushing in we realize that our oldest (13) dog is missing. It took about 30 minutes to find him and I was able to get out of myself once again. Thank God for the little things. Maybe that is why my kids are acting like brats lately..... God is just trying to help!!!

I prayhe gets me (and all of you) thru this day with out too many hills on the rollercoaster!
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Unread 02-15-2008, 04:07 PM   #12
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I hope you find some peace and blessings throughout your day. Even the smallest thing can be positive if you look at it that way. Distraction from the flood of thoughts you are having a hard time controlling is very important and you are learning that. Stay busy. Get preoccupied with things other than HIM. It's the only way.

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Unread 02-15-2008, 06:04 PM   #13
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Don't feel like your the only one who has given in to them. When my husband would break up with his girlfriend he would call me up and get back together. Then when she wanted him back I was gone. And he would always say I did'nt mean to lead you on. What the hell is that all about. I hate him more for getting my hopes up that he would come back home. After 38 years you would think he would grow up . But I've been told that they go back to the age they started drinking when the stop drinking so who knows. I just know I need to move on what ever comes -comes. I miss and love him -but don't really know if I am in love with him. Does that makes since? Keep comming back we are here for each other and that's the greatest thing there is. There is nothing wrong with us execpt we love a alcoholic. Tina
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Unread 02-15-2008, 06:11 PM   #14
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I am on a down hill right now. Guess I should get out of the house. I want to text him so bad, just to hear from him. I am setting 5 minute goals at this point to hold out and give him something to miss. Give him time to think. I hope he is thinking.
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Unread 02-16-2008, 01:31 PM   #15
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I got out of the house for a while. While out he called. stayed on the phone 30 min (he never does that.) He wants me to go with him this morning to look for a couch for the apartment. and then go to a movie. He says tomorrow he will see the kids, today is my day. It is really weird to be asked to help your husband look for a couch for his apartment. My son says he is just getting the place ready for his uncle to take over. I know Rick is trying, so why do I still fall asleep crying and wake up crying? I mean, I do not understand this. I don't know what I am supposed to do. He said my letter said we needed to spend time together and this is something he has to do (the couch) so will I go with him. Part of me feels like yes he is having his cake and eating it too. The other part feels like there is effort, as long as we are both trying keep seeing him. Is he really trying? My mother says he is. (Course she also says she thinks he has lost his mind) I want to see him today I am glad that there is communication but I know that tonight when he says goodby to leave it will devestate me. Any words of wisdom out there?
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Unread 02-17-2008, 05:51 PM   #16
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Rick is not perfect, he has always struggled with his emotions. His family put him on a bus to Texas when he was 15 to live with his father. By the time Rick was 16 he lived with me. So i believe on some level that drives his loyalty to his uncle. He know what it is to be thrown away by his afamily. I also think Rick has never been on his own and is learning that he can. It is somewhat a mid life crisis considering he started so young. I resent that. I had my first baby at 18 and I am still here. Today feel like he will never come home. Maybe I am just realizing that I can't keep this lifestyle up forever. I really do not know what step I am supposed to take next. I truly love Rick. I love our family. I am even thankful that this has happened as I have grown and I hope Rick has grown from it. But it has given my time to realize that I do love him I don't just need him (I thought I couldn't be alone.) Regardless of all of that I feel. I am feeling a loyalty to myself and I don't like living like this and feel I don't have a choice because the only choice would be to move on with out him.
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Unread 02-19-2008, 12:06 PM   #17
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He came by at lunch today. It was unexpected. I feel like a brat. I gave him that letter. I simply asked that he step it up and not stay away. I have seen everyday since then (except one). So there is effort. When he is here I don't feel resentment, I am glad he is here and when he leaves I find myself getting angry. What a brat, right? he is doing what I asked. And it just isn't enough. He really needs to crap or get off of the pot.
The kids are warming up to him. He is making himself more available. So that is good. I just really think this is insane.What is he waiting for. I mean seriously, He obviously still loves us all and enjoys our company so why wouldn't he want to be home? I could just scream. This happened for a reason I am happy that I am able to release the fears and insecurities driving so many resentments. But every second he is gone a new resentment forms. I wish there was some way to explain that and make him understand. It feels like this is my window of oppurtunity to save what I feel for him. It has been like a mountain. I have struggled and climbed up one side shedding a heavy load so that I could make it to the top where I want him, and now I am stumbling and trying to hold before I go over the other side and travel right back down to where I was to start with.

I am getting angry. He is gone because he screwed up. How dare him let me turn this around on myself. Granted I am happy with the things I am learning about myself so there will be a good that comes out of this regardless. When did this become about me being good enough. He was the one who thought everyday was a party, he was the one who thought AWWWW it's just Uncle Mikey. How dare he let me abuse myself this way. I am always gardest on me and he has to know I would be doing this. I really am confused. Right this second I want to tell him to F off. BUt when he is here it feels so right. EVERY SECOND THAT HE IS GONE IS BECOMING A SECOND TOO LATE.
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Unread 02-20-2008, 11:19 AM   #18
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I know, but we can not look thru rose colored glasses when they are around. Things are not better because we miss them. When we miss and love them we look at them and say it was not as bad and then we let our guard down and boom they come right back with the mess. I think you are doing great. I wish I could same the same. We are in the same boat. I know how you feel. We are twins in this problem. Keep strong. I know it is easier said then done. I wish I could be strong. I don't know how any more. When I see her my heart melts. The water gets in my eyes and I don't see clearly as when I am not near her.
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Unread 02-20-2008, 02:01 PM   #19
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i have the same feelings. When he is here my heart melts. Well, I say that, but when he is here and not trying i feel it. I try to deny it. But I honestly don't want him back if it isn't trying. I can live with effort, it doesn't have to be perfection. If there is no effort it hurts too bad.

Maybe I am getting better. Maybe (more probable) I am just on an up hill on the roller coaster.
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Unread 02-20-2008, 03:50 PM   #20
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That damn roller coaster again. I is the worst ride of our lives. I wish that it would just break down and go away. I been having a tough week but again it seems to be getting better. I emailed her I don't want to talk to her. I will just get angry and say something that I will regret. I hope that this works for you. I really do. I think that sometimes being alone is hard. I don't mean not having friends, but the feeling when you lay down to sleep and you are alone in that bed. You reach for them and they aren't there. That is the real bad time for me. May be I need a dog...LOL
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Unread 02-20-2008, 05:31 PM   #21
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I have 2 dogs. It is overrated!!!!!!
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Unread 02-21-2008, 08:16 PM   #22
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doing better!!! believe it or not i got out of the house and let people compliment me!! I have been a mom since i was 18, I didn't know if I was even attractive. I know that it sound rediculous but for some reason it helps to know. I know I have to find my own value in myself. But I do have a new sense of confidence since getting a little attention. RIck better hurry, this is getting easier. I may just figure out I am worth more than being some ones door mat. I don't think I will ever get involved with anyone, I won't risk my heart first of all and second of all I love Rick. But today, I kind of like me too. I owe it all to the support here and prayer. I would never have been able to pick myself up off of the ground if it weren't for you all. I hope this part of the roller coaster lasts a while, it is nice to have a break from anger, regret and sadness.
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Unread 02-22-2008, 07:09 PM   #23
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Good for you. Sometimes that is all it takes. You have to realize your worth. The prolbem is that we get to be in a relationship and we get the put downs, but some one other see the real beauty in us or pays us a complient and we start to realize that I am special I an handsome or beutiful. I am funny. People like me. Go get em......
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Unread 02-26-2008, 02:17 AM   #24
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i saw him this weekend and it went well. BUt I am still tired. I am tired of being the adult. I had the oppurtunity to fly to LA and drive my sister inlaw to Chicago. I love road trips, I deserve to get away. But I would never dream of being away from my kids for 4 days. And I really resent him for being able too. I resent him for walking away.

I am ok though. It is easier every second that passes. it his loss. I just had too come here and talk to other people in this world with values. My sons girlfriends mom just took off for a week. I just really don't understand the selfishness in this world. It feels really lonely because I care. I care too much. About everyone I meet. I am rambling, sorry. Just a rough day I guess
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Unread 02-26-2008, 11:03 AM   #25
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Listen, remember that you are the best thing in the world. You are a great mother and a wonderful wife. You are selfless and caring. You love and when you love you love strong. Those are super qualities in any person. Caring is not bad. Remember think good thoughts all the time and eventually your outlook will change. We can't be responsible for the world only our small part of it. Soon school vacation will be comeing take the kids for a road trip. Even if it is a small one. Kim remember we all love you and care for you. You have been a good friend even though we have never met. Talking on line lets you share your deepest feelings. It is nice to be here and talk. We let out how we feel and we share the sorrow. By sharing the sorrow it becomes less of a burden. When we share the happiness we help some else light the darkness. It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. God bless...
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Unread 02-26-2008, 05:58 PM   #26
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Thank you. I can't tell you how much having support means. I am down (AGAIN) today. I guess I am realizing just how much I resent him, and doubt it can ever be fixed. I had come to a point where I thought I loved him and that was all that mattered. But it isn't. Scary for me to think. I really don't want to get over him. But it is happening whether I want it or not. That makes me very sad.

Yeah I am just sad.

Kim
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Unread 02-27-2008, 03:51 AM   #27
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most recent conversation with Rick was via text this evening. He wanted to text and ask if my day was better than yesterday. I didn't respond, about 30 minutes later he texted 2 more times. so i finally replied...

i told him i didn't have anything to say. and when he continued asking y i finally told him the following:

this isn't fair, I have been a mom since i was 18. I understand needing freedom. I love you Rick, I will till the day I die. because of that I don't want to resent you. You are asking too much of me. I need you and you don't need me. So I don't know what to say to you anymore. I don't want to lose what I feel for you. There is nothing like it. I don't want you to come home if you don't want to. But i do not deserve this. It hurts too bad.

I didn't hear back from hime for about an hour and half and then I get the one word that gave me so much hope last time. "good night"

It made me angry this time. i have expressed that I am at the end of putting up with this and, quite frankly he only did "just enough". He didn't try harder. I am tired of settling.

o well there is my latest news,. I always welcome you all's opinion.

Kim
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Unread 02-27-2008, 04:55 PM   #28
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I know that it stinks. It is hard when you are doing it all and the other doesn't carry their share. You need to really think. I miss my wife alot. But I really have to get things in order. I am feeling good about myself. Haven't felt this good in a long time. I am changing things. Trying new things. Changing my lifestyle a little. But damn it we deserve it. We have picked up the pieces to many times. Do something good for yourself. What ever it is. Get a facial, get your nails done. New outfit. Something just for you. Also if he can't talk face to face then he is not worthing talking to at all. He is using the text messaging to control you and the situation. He doesn't have to look in your eyes. He doesn't have to care that this hurts. So when he texts you don't respond, don't even read it. You be in control. Don't let him control the situation. What he is doing is being the one in control. And he likes that. Take back the control.
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Unread 02-27-2008, 06:09 PM   #29
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I look at his picture and I am not sure he is that person anymore. I mean, I don't know if I can go back. It isn't just about him being gone anymore. It is about the hurt he has already caused. I don't know if he can fix this anymore. Part of me hopes he can. But I don't see how.



Maybe I would feel differently if he were here, trying. It isn't enough to show up when it is convenient for him. And I am tired of carrying the load. Not the kids, his well being. I need some one that wants to help carry eachothers load, or I don't need the extra weight.



That makes me sad. I don't want to get over him.


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Unread 02-28-2008, 01:10 PM   #30
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I know it is hard. Maybe he will come back, maybe he won't. We have to stop worring about the maybe's. We need to do for ourselves. Let us be selfish for a change. It feels good. I am being a little selfish. I changed somethings about my self. I am doing somethings to make me feel good. I know that sounds dumb but you know what. I still support my family. I still work 70 hours a week but I now take time to do what I want on my time. I sleep or read, or go out. It is now about me. I love her with all my heart. I know that she is my soul mate. But I can not make the other person see the error of their ways. That is something that they need to see and feel. I think she needs to see what a gem I am. You have to see that You are a finely polished gem. Worth the time and effort to be wanted and loved. Don't sell yourself short. Love yourself kid. You need it.
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Unread 03-01-2008, 11:22 AM   #31
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Here i go again. Another 15 steps back...

I saw him last night. i was really sensitive, and it seemed as though everything he sad hurt. I had a beer and hadn't eaten not t a good combination....

When he said something about his plans for the weekend to go to a party with the same people that had introduced him to his indiscecretion (the women he slept with after he left)it broke my heart. It was a long drive home. (he rode with me) so there i am crying the whole way home (still have to drive though). My 16 yr old son keeps calling sking for things that I have already said no to. At one point I consider driving right off the rode. I have had all I can take and when I say as much to my husband he has only mean things to say, protecting himself , cuz he has to know he is wrong... I tell him there are so many people out there that tell me I have so much to offer and he tells me they don't know you, so thaey don't know how little it is. Ultimately, some how it turns in to me begging him not to leave. I tell him I have had all I can take. I don't want to go in my house, I don't want to see my kids, I am not ok. He says that is what I get when I told him to leave. And then continues on to say our son (16) told him to leave as well so we got what we deserved. For a split second I resented my son. The night I told my husband to leave he was fighting with my son. I know I am wrong for feeling this way. Long story short Husband drove away saying I am the one with the problem I am crazy.

I know what everyone will say....To hell with him. But I hurt so bad right now. How can he honestly look back and not find value in me. WHy does it hurt so bad.

And here is my next thought that I know I am wrong for having but it is there just the same....

I am 36, I have 4 kids, I live in a damn trailer, and I have no job... Who is ever going to want me?
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Unread 03-01-2008, 09:15 PM   #32
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Today is so hard. I don't think i can take anymore. I know I have to be ok for the kids, but after last night(above post)I just can't handle anymore from the kids either. I am at my breaking point never felt this bad. I don't even care that he isn't here. I just want this to stop, it seems like my son is my husband made over these days, I am so tired.
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Unread 03-03-2008, 11:29 AM   #33
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Do you remember the pictures as a kid where you have to find the hidden picture in a picture. That is the way you are. When you look at what he says you see the picture. But deep in that picture is angel. That is you. Not the picture that he see. When we look at the picture we look deep and see an angel. It doesn't matter if everybody see it. We see it. So keep trucking. Remember Angel, It is you. Kim from now on I will call you Angel for that is what you are. Don't ever forget that Angel.
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Unread 03-03-2008, 11:31 AM   #34
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Remember Angel, you have strenght, beauty and love on your side. You have helped me thru some tough things. With out your help I would be much sadder. You lift me up. I hope someday I could do the same for you.
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Unread 03-07-2008, 01:16 PM   #35
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Seems like I haven't written in forever. I have been dealing with the fact that it just doesn't hurt as bad anymore which is sad. And then my son broke up with his first girl friend and is now struggling with feeling like no one loves him. he keeps bringing up Rick and the GF saying he feels like he messes everything up.

this is my journal entry from last night....

My son, broke down at school, the girl was talking about him and his home life and it led to him asking her about it. there was yelling and long story short.. She told the administration that she was afraid of him. So by the time i get the phone call from my husband saying "you need to go deal with him" all hell had broke loose. I get to the school and there is my son, his friend, my oldest (they called her out of class), the cops and social workers. They want to talk to me alone so they send my sobbing child outside (great idea) and proceed to hand me a business card with 911 on it (I didn't even realize you would need a business card with that on it) and tell me to call if he tries to hurt himself. by the time i get outside my son is gone. fortunately his friend stayed with him. Long story short, it took an hour and half and his coach getting involved to get him in the car. We get home, he wont talk... My husband shows up, doesnt say a word to anyone walks in and falls asleep on the couch. Maybe he forgot he doesnt live here. i run down the street gone 15 minutes. I get back and apparently he woke up, was mad I left and so he left. Never saying a word to Mike. So,Mike wont talk, But he finally went to sleep. Thankfully i didn't have to confront my husband and he left with out a scene. And I needed to vent so...

I am at a loss. i can not imagine how hard this is for him. I mean I know what heart ache is but he has the added facts that he is a 16 yr old boy. There are so many stigma's attached to how he is "supposed" to handle things. Add in regular teenage aingst and I am worried.

He is 6'2", I can make him do what I say but am afraid it would alienate him more. I don't want to have to tackle him. He is headed toward throwing his life away. He is in athletics, College half a day and has so much to look forward to. Any insight would help so much. I am checking into counseling but i also need to be able to support him at home. I wasn't even raised with a father so I have no idea how to relate to a teenage boy. And I don't have my husbands support, he doesnt even take care of himself. So again, I would love any advice or insight.

Kim
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Unread 03-07-2008, 02:32 PM   #36
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This is hard for you. Boys even though they look like men are really boys. They are trapped in a man's body. I know I had something simiiar with my 15 year old. Tell him that things are hard. Explain that his body is full of this chemicals that will make his mind crazy. This hormones pump out faster than any drug you could inject. Explain that sometimes when this chemicals come out that make him fill exillerated or depressed. Sometimes in the same five minutes. This is normal. He needs to get a book about the human body and how his has changed. I remember when I was going thru the change I thought I was going crazy. This is not unusual. The only thing is to help him and explain that when these feelings come on him to talk to you. Or a father figure. A man that can talk to him. Maybe his coach or someone else. This is the hardest time for boys. That are on the brink of manhood. There bodies tell them that they are men with men's needs and wants. But the mind is still torn between being a boy. Please let me know how you are doing. Remember tell him you love him and that it will be ok. Don't tell him that you know how he feels thought because honestly you don't. Another man can tell him that but when a woman or his mother tells him that he will get angry. He knows that this is something that a woman doesn't experience. But tell him that you will be there when ever he needs you. That is what moms are for. to give us hugs wether we think we need them or not. Give him a good hug let him cry on your shoulder, treat him like you did when he was five and feell down and hurt himself. He may tell you that his is grown up but he will appreciate it deep down. I hope this helps. Good luck you are in for a difficult 3 years. But this is also a special time for moms and their sons. You can bond extra special with you new man. he is going from your little boy to being your man. Tell him that you need him as the man in the house. That will also help give him more purpose and helps give him a little control on his emotions.
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Unread 03-14-2008, 01:36 PM   #37
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Things are still rough here. i know I will get thru it, it's just hard.

Kim
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Unread 03-14-2008, 02:51 PM   #38
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Listen Kid were are all here for you. You have been there for me. I pray that things work out. Remember they make work out not the way we would like, but they always work out for the better. We all love and care for you. Please believe that. We are all cripples helping each other walk. We have emotional handicaps, with that said that doesn't mean we roll over and die. We get up dust ourselves off and start climbing the mountain again.
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Unread 03-15-2008, 03:32 AM   #39
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Thanks again. My son is just giving me a pretty hard time. And I am lonely. Scared that this is it. I am too young for it to be. But too tired to start over. I am doing fine other wise. I dont want him back. I see him and I really dont deel anything. I just dont want this to be all that there is. Ya know.

Kim
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Unread 03-18-2008, 01:22 PM   #40
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What is he doing? Is he angry with you or just with everything. Kids vent sometimes to the wrong person. I know I am having that issue with my youngest daughter. She won't still talk to me. I hope you are ok. Let me know. Bob
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Unread 03-18-2008, 02:13 PM   #41
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He was going thru a hard time. Just feeling abandon i guess. Angry that I might want to be my own person. I have never not lived for some one else. Any way it manifested itself into explosive outburst, kiccking holes in the walls and packing his things to leave. Saying everyone else does it. He is 6'2 and I had get physical, I pushed him a few times and stood in his way. I just kep telling him that I wanted more for him even if he coiuldnt want it for himself right now. I ultimately had to call my ex to come. I sent my oldest out with the baby and 13 yr old so they didnt have to endure it. It was just a really long night. That had been coming on for a while. I have numerous holes to fix as he had been building up fro almost a week. When his did got here they screamed and yelled about how much they do for people and dont get in return. I laid on my bench outside and stared at the stars and couldnt help but angry at them both. They are hurting and I understand that. I dont try to say I am in their shoes. I try to just be there for them. But i eventually had enough. They dont know what real pain is, they have never been raped, they have never l carried a child for 3 months that they knew was not alive. They have never loved some one "anyway", even if it hurt so bad they thought they would die. I pretty much said as much to the both of them. And then took my leave and went for a walk (not the smartest thing where i live). When I came back my son was sleeping, the girls were home. My oldest was pretty andry, she appreciates all i have been thru. My ex walked outside and the only thing I really remamber him saying was... If i am waiting to find some one as strong as me I am going to be lonely forever.

I hope not.

So this weekend I drove my oldest out to East Texas. We dropped her botfriend back at school. Toured her future campus. And we rented a room and ate out and were just free for a while. When I got home, the house was clean and the kids are good. And even happy to see me.

I still struggle with the thought of being alone. I want to share my life. I dont want my ex back. I guess there has been just too much pain. But I am lonely.

I hope you are doing well, thanks for listening.

Kim
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Unread 03-18-2008, 03:00 PM   #42
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Kim it is hard I know. You bring tears to my eyes. I am sorry. You are a bright star and the problem is the clouds are in the way for people to see that. Remember you are never alone. Your kids are your anchor. God is also out there. Don't worry about finding someone. Someone will find you. When you least expect it and just about given up that is when it will happen. Your child is angry and frightened. They worry that you will find someone and that they will be replaced. They do not understand that love is best shared. Love multiples every time you share it with someone. Your love for them doesn't lessen because you love someone else also. Your love grows for everyone when it is shared with another. I now deep in my heart that you will find happiness. The key is not to quite trying. When you quite you admit defeat. One of the main things a learned about you is that you are not a quitter. You are stronger than you know. You have great qualities that people would die for. You will find someone don't quit.
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