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Unread 06-02-2013, 12:32 PM   #1
OHIL
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My 34 year old daughter is an alcoholic. She's lost her job, her license, and custody of her 6 year old son. She's about to lose her cell phone, her apartment and her dog because she can't pay for them with her unemployment checks. She's overdrawn at the bank. She's been to detox 5 or 6 times and completed 3 of 4 weeks of in-patient rehab but left. She goes to AA meetings but doesn't accept God in the Christian sense and can't see past that to get any use out of it she says.

I just met with her in the park of our small town. She apologized for saying awful things to me in the past several months but it quickly went downhill from there. She admitted that she has pushed away her father (we divorced because of his drinking and emotional abuse years ago) and his wife and step daughters, she's pushed away her sister, and that she and I are teetering on the edge of a relationship. I told her I would always love her and I want the best for her. She told me that she respected what I thought and asked what she should do to get her life back on track. I told her she should call her sponsor and they should set up a plan together. She said ok but I think she was just looking to lash out because she launched into saying she doesn't know how she got to where she is and blames her ex-husband for driving her to drink and her family (me) because after consulting attorneys and counselors we told her ex it was not ok to leave my grandson alone with her for extended periods of time. She eventually lost custody after she failed to progress in out-patient rehab and continued drinking to include not showing up for court. She had supervised visits with him for a while which was hard on the family because we had to host them and do all the transporting. (They lived 25 miles apart.) Her ex recently obtained the court's permission to move our grandson to another state without contest because she didn't accept the certified letter notice and so didn't know what was happening or go to court to object. Again she blames me.
I've been going to AlAnon for a couple of months and I have pulled back to stop enabling. I know this is her deflecting on me but I'm so worried about what will happen to her. She is brilliant - she put herself through college, has a masters degree and is ABD (all but dissertation) for a PhD in behavioral neuroscience. The counselors tell me it's harder when someone educated is addicted because they outthink themselves or don't believe it could happen to them. She says she's thinking of prostituting herself to make money. I am feeling hopeless and lost today...
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Unread 06-02-2013, 01:03 PM   #2
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Hi OHIL, welcome. You have come to the right place. I am so sorry for what you are going through, but your daughter at this time refuses to take responsibility for her choices and behavior. It is true, the more educated one is, the more they may try to "outthink" themselves, which makes it worse. Unfortunately, addiction is smarter than us. If we are pre dispositioned to addition, which sound like she was as your ex-husband is an alcoholic, no amount of education will help once we get past the point of no return. Sometimes we have to hit a bottom so hard, it jerks us back to reality, and then we become willing to do anything to get sober, and even then some of us die in our addiction. Your daughter is placing blame, deflecting as you said and is unhappy with who she is. I am an educated woman, working on my Master's in Psychology, and still I ended up getting hooked on pain meds, badly. Please take care of yourself, use tough love which they teach in Alanon, and remember you can't make her well, only she can. I realize how worried you are for her, what mother wouldn't be, but as she is powerless over alcohol, you are powerless over her drinking. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going. God Bless. Julie
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Unread 06-02-2013, 10:16 PM   #3
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Thanks so much for your reply Julie! I know I have to let her bottom out but at this point I have no hope of her recovering. I've been reading AlAnon material today but it hasn't been helping much. The posts of other people and the support network here is great though...it's helpful to hear that others that seemed doubtful were able to get it together...thanks again.
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Unread 06-03-2013, 12:19 AM   #4
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I know you are in pain, but please remember there is always hope. It is possible things will get worse before they get better, but your daughter has hope, some of us have come back from horrible odds. I realize it seems hopeless, but remember you must take care of yourself. You count, and as for your daughter, sometimes all we can do is love them from a distance.....please keep updated. God bless. Julie
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Unread 06-03-2013, 05:20 AM   #5
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I just wanted to add that this sounds a lot like me when I was using however it was just me and my boyfriend. I am sure my mom would say the same thing to if she read your post because she tried to talk to me so many times and I would get so mad, looking back its hard not to get upset about the way I acted. Another thing is that I'm a social worker and I hear people all the time saying "if you won't do it for your kids you will never get sober", I have to correct doctors and police officers that I work with alot and explain that someone has to do something for themselves to get sober. I veleive and I think that my experience has taught me that a child or famiy or pet can be a motivator but if it was the sole reason people got sober we would hae a lot less kids in custody. With that said, you have to love yourself before you can love someone else and when your using you don't love yourself. The courts also generally don't care if you have a phd in biochemical engineering, if you aren't sober and following your case plan than you aren't getting your kids back and really only she can make that decision to change in the long run. I wanted to say that you seem like you are following a positive path and I know it's hard. Al anon is great and you seem like you are learning how to not enable but still show support. I would say stick around this site too, it's very helpful and hopefully your daughter will wake up and realize that she wants her life back .
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Unread 06-03-2013, 03:36 PM   #6
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OHIL, Wecome to the site.

I speak as a recovering alcoholic. It sounds like you are doing the right thing with using the support group of Alanon. You are willing to do what your daughter is not.

At AA meetings the only step we have to work 100% is the 1st step. We admitted that the were powerless over alcohol & that our lives are unmanagable. Until we get that step down she does not have to worry about the rest. It is suggested that she gets a sponcer & phone numbers from other recovering alcoholics. She should think through that 1st drink because that is the one that will get her. She should call someone in the program before she picks up that 1st drink.

Your daughter has to hit rock bottom before she reaches the turning point.

She has not lost anything. She has given it all away & it is going to get worse. Someof us alcoholics never get sober.

As you know you can not get her sober. She has to do it for herself.

You take care & show support but do not enable her. Don't let her put the blame on you. It is her that is the problem.

She is makling excuses about AA being a religious or Christain group. It is suggested that she find a Higher Power so she can get out of the way & quit running her life.

She is getting nothing out of meetings because she is not willing to listen. Tell her to take the cotton out of her ears & put it in her mouth for a while.

My best to you & I will say a non Christain prayer for her as I'm not a Christain.
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Unread 06-03-2013, 10:14 PM   #7
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Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and offer of hope. She's spent the last day and a half spewing hate and venom at me. Everything that's wrong in her life is my fault: I didn't fight hard enough for her after her dad and I divorced and he emotionally blackmailed her as a 10 year old to stay with him and not see me or her sister for almost 3 years; I conspired against her with the enemy (her ex) when she wouldn't take care of herself so she could take care of her son; I didn't remind her about her court date for custody; and I haven't dumped my husband because she doesn't like him so I have failed at preserving her last hope of humanity. I know she is not herself but who the alcohol wants her to be...but her words are hurtful. She's convinced of a whole alternative history than what actually happened.
She called me to ask if I would collect her and 4 friends she met in her failed rehab attempt from various places around the county to get them all to a meeting. I told her I had an appt and couldn't drive the fifty plus miles to pick them all up but would give her a ride if she wanted. She again started telling me how everything was my fault and that I cared more about my piece of crap husband than her. I told her I had to go and she hung up on me.
She has a sponsor but I really don't know if she pays any attention to what her sponsor offers. My daughter says Step 4 stops her from progressing but it seems to me that she's regressed instead.
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Unread 06-04-2013, 09:43 PM   #8
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OHIL, What I say here are just suggestions.

Don't let here beat you down. She wants to bring you down to her level.

She is not willing to look at herself yet.

She can't work step 4 because she has not done step 1.

She is not paying attention to here sponcer unless her sponcer is as sick as she is.

Tell her if she continues to treat you like she is & interferes in your marriage you will no longer take her calls.

It is to the point where you life comes 1st. You do not have to live like this. You have choices.
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Unread 06-05-2013, 01:39 AM   #9
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R. Lee, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Tonight was a doozy. She called me twice to "talk" but i actually made it to the last part of my Al Anon meeting. She said she had nothing left in her life and eventually asked if I would take her to the ER so she could check herself in for detox with the end goal to get back into rehab. I agreed. The closer we got to the hospital the more escalated she became. She cursed me and kept hammering more "its your fault" stuff at me. I lost my cool and kicked her (figuratively) out of the car in front of the ER. It was a bad scene and I didn't handle it well at all. I tossed her bag out and told her not to call me until she got her act together. I saw her walk in to the desk and I drove home. I can't take any more of this...I need a break. I thought I was supposed to help her do good things but for now I'm going to focus on the Steps and leave her to her own devices.
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Unread 06-05-2013, 12:04 PM   #10
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OHIL, You have done what you could for her. You love her & took her to a safe place where she can get help.

You have Alanon for your support so use it as much as you can.
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Unread 06-08-2013, 07:37 PM   #11
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Al Anon has been incredible. Im so grateful for the wonderful people I've met there! The saga continues and she is nowhere near seeking meaningful help to a life of sobriety. She made another trip to the ER to detox this week after one last week. She finds some money to buy vodka, drinks, then realizes she will go into withdrawal when it's gone so she goes to the ER. I stopped taking her calls because she just wants to tell me how everyone else ruined her life. When I last talked to her, she really wanted money, which I didn't offer so she upped the ante and said her plan to make money was to prostitute herself. She says her counselors have decided its my influence that has caused her so much pain. I listened and then told her I loved her and wanted her to get better but since I'm not helping her and, in fact, causing her harm in her view, I would step out of her life and respect her decisions. She sputtered a bit about selling everything in her apartment and leaving the rest to me and then hung up. I'm tearing myself apart because it seems like such a risk to leave her to her own devices because her thinking is so muddled. I'm worried about her safety and what will happen to her...I realize that her alcoholism is a life sentence for both of us.
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Unread 06-08-2013, 09:38 PM   #12
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OHIL:

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and the drama she is going through. Unfortunately, there is very little we can do to control what alcoholics do. Speaking from my own experience, it is a roller coaster ride. Since we did not cause the disease, we can't cure it, and we can't control it. We can only control ourselves and our reaction to it. Not an easy task when we love them so much. Yet, we have to save ourselves. Otherwise, we will spiral down to their level.

You are doing the right things. Your daughter will eventually get herself together. If she loves life and wants to live, she will find sobriety on her own.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He was out of control for a long time. Last year, I decided to give him the option to go and get help or leave the house. Of course, he left the house because he was not ready to surrender his addiction. After being on the streets for months homeless, he decided to seek help. He is still in rehab & is doing so much better. He got his job back and is working full-time. Yet, I still feel uncomfortable having him at the house permanently. It will happen when my higher power puts it in my heart.

I can relate to you very much. Stay encouraged. Keep going to your meetings. That is what I do. I also meet with a therapist for one-on-one counseling. It helps me keep things in perspective.

Sending you hugs.
Hawaii
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Unread 06-09-2013, 10:07 PM   #13
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Thank you, Hawaii for sharing and giving me strength. She texted me yesterday to tell me she would be gone today. She said sobriety and going to rehab was the biggest mistake shes ever made because they cost her her son and her unemployment benefits. She says she's walking away from everything here and trying to start over. I told her I loved her and would be here for her. I asked her to let me know where she is and to stay in touch. I wished her the best and that I so wanted her to get herself straight so she could have a good life. Her reply was that her heart was with her son and he is gone. I don't really know if she left. My heart aches and I hurt so deeply. She may be an adult but she's my child and I love her so much. I'd give anything to take this pain away from her!
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Unread 06-11-2013, 11:31 PM   #14
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OHIL,

I know it hurts deeply. God knows this is the most difficult situation to endure. It is much more painful than death. I've been there and know exactly where you are emotionally and psychologically. It is not easy. What I do is put one foot in front of the other, say my prayers, cry a good cry, and let it go. We are powerless. This is the only truth there is. There is absolutely nothing that we can do until the alcoholic in our lives surrender to their disease. We must take care of our heart and our health so we can function and stay alive. That is what I am doing today. I am putting more emphasis on my health. It is the only thing I have. If I don't take care of it, I won't be around much longer.

The disease of alcoholism can take us out quickly, if we don't watch ourselves. I've seen too many of my friends die due to heart attacks and strokes. It is a serious disease. Please, continue sharing here and at your meetings. Do it for yourself. Your daughter will find herself, eventually. Alcoholics are survivors. Trust me when I tell you. Take care of yourself, please.

Sending love and hugs.
Hawaii
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Unread 06-12-2013, 08:27 PM   #15
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OHIL, You have done the best for her. You can do no more but love & pray for her.

If you open the door just a crack for her she will continue to beat you up. An example is not taking her call but she come at you from a different angle by texing you. She beats you up with threats of leaving. She is a pro. Prostitution & leaving the area. Just threats to get you to give in.

We are here for you.

It is normal to fear what will happen to her also to have your heart ache for her.

Love & have hope for her to want sobriety. You can not enable her.

You have Alanon. You take care of yourself. That is most important.
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Unread 06-16-2013, 01:54 PM   #16
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Hello OHIL.

I am a recovering alcoholic, a Father, and i have been married. I have been reading your journey, and i feel for you so much, i just wanted to share these words with you.

To watch a loved one suffer and behave in they way they do is truly cruel to those that love them. However i simply must implore you to try to understand it is not your fault. I shall tell you why.

My disease, when i was drinking gave me the capacity to manipulate all around me. It did not matter who they were in my life. If loving meant i could get a drink, i would love. If being hurtful and irresponsible got me a drink, that is what i would be. It is too simple to say "that is the disease", but i often recognise now, that those around me suffered just the same. It is why it is such a nasty condition. The deciet, the lies, the percieved loss of the person you know.

I have been on a long journey of understanding. As yet there are few things for me that are certain. But 1 thing i know for definate is that there is no more you could have done or you are doing. This disease does not respect how much you are loved.

I want to celebrate your strength in this, and ask you to recognise the wonderful love you are giving your Daughter. It was, is, and never will be your fault. Your Daughter needs to take those baby steps, only she can do that.

Be well OHIL. My very best wishes to you and your Daughter.
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Unread 06-16-2013, 08:01 PM   #17
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Tryn, I see that you see we reach out to the family & friends of alcoholics. Great work.
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Unread 06-17-2013, 07:55 AM   #18
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Hello OHIL, i do hope you are well.

R Lee, thank you. I feel it is important for me to pass on my encouragement and support to all that suffer from this awful disease. I have now learnt that the suffering exists as much and sometimes more of the ones who desperately want well being to those that suffer, than that of the user. It is so important that OHIL knows she is not alone, and i feel her pain.

OHIL we are hear, and here for you.

Be peaceful and be strong OHIL. My very best wishes to you.
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Unread 06-19-2013, 12:00 AM   #19
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Thank you Tryn and R. Lee for your words of encouragement. It means a great deal to me to hear those words from you who are working to overcome your disease and lead a sober life. I spent an hour on the phone with her today and she just completely drains me. She was remorseful for the disrespect and hate she's dished out for a while now but I fear it's as you say, she's just looking to manipulate me. And I fell for it partly...I had advised her I was going to turn off the utilities I've been paying for since last year. She pleaded with me to hold off so she would be able to cook and eat. I gave her 6 weeks to get something going - get sober, work at least a part time job, etc. I have no real expectation that anything will change but I felt at least I gave her notice. We talked calmly but it just feels like the life is sucked out of me. I'm the only family member who talks to her at all so I find it difficult to pull away. The pain and guilt of abandoning her is too much...however, they all seem relatively happy while I am miserable.
Her thinking is so skewed, I don't think she can make any headway in this thing. She asked me what I thought it meant when her ex, who has sole custody of their son, told her to get her stuff together and he would work with her. I said "get & stay sober, be responsible, and get a job so you can once again parent your son." She asked if she went to rehab again if that would be enough to get him back. Of course it would take more than that, but she doesn't see it. She doesn't even know how bad off she is...how do I keep any hope for her?
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Unread 06-19-2013, 07:07 AM   #20
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Hello OHIL,

Thank you for what must have been such a difficult post to write. Your honesty and courage extremely humbling.

The hope you have for her you will always have. Your daighters condition is blinding her. She can not see what she is doing. You say that other members of the family do not speak with her anymore, i suspect their own efforts were strectched as far as they could go, and for their own well being, and those of their familys, they had to let go. I am afraid to say that your daughter, so long as there is "somebody there" would not have recognised the seriousness of the situation. I can remember loved ones pleading with me, tears rolling down their faces, OHIL, it went straight over my head. I wanted it to. My drink was more important to me than anything.

Did someone eventually say the right thing to me to start me on my journey of discovery and sobriety? The oodles of people that had tried to help and support, did 1 single person have the right words? No, i had to find them inside myself. Y
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Unread 06-19-2013, 07:17 AM   #21
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do excuse me, pushed wrong button.

Your daughter has to find those words for herself. She will clutch at anything that has the faintest hint that she can have a drink. I believe that in house treatment, residential treatment would probably help her at this time. I have been driven to these places by loved ones, got out of the car and ran away. There is a saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink, well, you can lead an alcoholic to treatment, but you can't make them think.

I, like your daughter has so many interventions offered, i never seriously took any of them on board, until i was alone, rock bottom. I had lost all my possessions, all my friends, all my loved ones. Not until i realised i had lost me, did i realise i needed to change.

Ohil, you must look after you, and your well being. I hear your pain in that you are the last family member willing to give her the time of day. My advice to you is to decide what you can personally give without it effecting your life too much. Much like money, for your own sanity, stick with what you can afford.

Somehow you daughter will get well. You can not make that happen. You have tried so very hard, now it is time for you to spend sometime with you. Your daughter must find her way with the options she has. When she is getting better, she will recognise what pain she has caused. At this time your love for her will be rewarded. I pray for your daughters safe return to herself and to you and her family.

Rest from this Ohil.

Be peaceful, ne healthy and be strong. My very best wishes to you and your daughter.
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Unread 06-19-2013, 07:42 PM   #22
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OHIL, Thank you for your kind words. This is what keeps me sober. This is the only site I go on dealing with alcoholism. I do work with local alcoholics in my support group & conduct a weekly meeting at the county jail for inmates. So you help me stay sober just for today.

Your daughter seems to still have power over you. I say this from experiance from my own behavior & watching a 50 year old alcoholic die because his parents could not let him hit his bottom. They locked themselves in their bedroom when he drank out of fear of what he might do to them because they would not kick him out fearing he could not take care of himself.. He died at the foot of his 89 year old father's Hospice bed while he was suppossed to be caring for his father while his mother worked. Yes his elderly mother worked while her 50 year old son lived at home drinking. They even gave him a credit card that he would max out & they would say this is the last time I paying off your credit card. His mother found him dead with an empty 1/2 gallon bottle. With in 2 weeks she had to deal with her son & husband's deaths.

I wrote about this alcoholic on the alcoholic site here titled "Nate"

I suggest that you cut off any $$$$ support to her the next time she lashes out at you. You can't keep her from dying as much as you want. She has to want to get sober for herself not to get her child back.
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Unread 06-20-2013, 12:36 PM   #23
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Hi OHIL,

R Lee has told it like it is, and I have to say that I agree with him. I am a recovering alcoholic as well. As long as anyone would enable me, I would hold on to that and use it to my advantage. When I was allowed to hit bottom, it is then that I learned. R Lee's story of Nate hits very close to home with some of my own family members.

I did not learn anything at all until I wasn't enabled anymore. At all. She cannot be a parent to her son until she is able to take care of herself. Thank God that there are people like you and the child's father that are able to be there. If it was up to your daughter to parent, the child would probably be in foster care. My boys were never taken away from me, but they would have been had I continued in the active drinking of alcoholism.

It is very important that you take care of yourself. Your daughter is living rent free in your head. I hope you are able to take advantage of Al-anon or any support that will help you. We do not have to go through these things alone! Please take care! Jenm
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Unread 06-24-2013, 04:03 PM   #24
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Jenm, R. Lee, Tryn, Hawaii - Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and prayers with me. I thought we might have made some progress but alas, no. She is in the same state as she was 6 mos ago. She was calling me several times a day to tell me about her life to the point it was interfering with my work and I couldn't focus on anything else. I told her I loved her but I needed to take a break. I'm trying to remember not argue with anything, to encourage her when she makes a good decision, to not get drawn in, etc. like Al Anon recommends. I tried to keep the actual voice communications down to a minimum in order to keep my frustration down. I told her I needed a break and she said she actually understood that. She even praised me for following the Al Anon guidelines. But...she lives in such a fog, she doesn't realize it's only been 12-14 hrs since she last called or texted me. If I don't answer her call she leaves more and more dramatic voice mails. I accidentally called her when I was trying to listen to a voice mail she left and we talked yesterday. She asked why i wasn't answering her calls and i reminded her i had set some boundaries. It quickly escalated to her badgering me for abandoning her and expecting her to be "perfect" because I suggested she call me when she had some progress to share. I guess that was the wrong thing because she went on and on about her living 24 hrs at a time and my lack of caring. I asked if she had gone back to AA and she said no....but she could do that. She says the same thing over and over but doesn't ever follow through. She wants "credit" for trying and I want to encourage her but her trying only consists of a day or two at most. When she asked if I was going to see my grandson who was in town with his dad, I said maybe for a couple of hours if her ex and I could work out a time. She blew up at me, demanding to know why she wasn't aware of this? I told her I didn't need her permission to see him with or without her. I told her these arguments were exactly why I wanted to put some space between us and she hung up on me. She sent me several texts saying shed talk to me when she was "perfect" and to have fun with her son. She texted to say she was still my child and that was the only relationship she was looking for from me and I slammed the door in her face. Her final text said she felt like she grew up without a mom for half her life so she didn't guess she needed one now. (She chose to stay with her alcoholic father from age 9-15 following the divorce.) She now blames me for "leaving" her there, despite battling her dad in court for 5 years to get her back.
I know this is all the alcohol talking but it's painful to hear nonetheless. I know you are all correct; I must let her go in order for her to have a chance to make a different decision. It's apparent to me that as you said Jenm, she will use me as her reason to stay in the same spot from now on. I pray God grants me the strength to get through this.
Thanks again to you all. I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers for continued success in your struggles. Keep doing the good things that you do, you bring hope and light to those of us who are in a dark place. I hope one day I'll be able to give back as you have so generously given to me and others here.
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Unread 06-24-2013, 10:18 PM   #25
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OHIL, Keep your distance or she will drain you. She will grasp at anything to avoid looking at herself.
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Unread 06-25-2013, 08:33 PM   #26
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R. Lee, thanks for encouraging me to stick with it. I haven't communicated with her since Sunday. She hasn't gone for more than a few days without contacting me so we'll see how this goes.
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Unread 06-27-2013, 10:44 AM   #27
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OHIL.

Thank you for sharing with us with such clarity and eloquence. As a recovering alcoholic i need to say to you that YOU are terribly important in this. You simply must allow her to make her choices. I also know, you know this, and it is so very hard to do. I can only offer this. When all....no, they did not turn their backs as it were, they showed me there was no more love, no more money, no more "saving me" that could be given, it was now "up to me to make my choice", that i made the decision i try to utilise everday. If 1 single person had "stayed with me, loved me and gave to me", i would be dead now. Their tough love saved my life.

But what about your life OHIL? Do you not deserve a peaceful and healthy life too? Time for you OHIL. My heart goes out to you, but you have to look after you. I feel ashamed of what this disease puts our loved ones through, but please OHIL, no more. Just be there for her when she has chosen to be well.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you OHIL and your daughter.
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Unread 06-30-2013, 10:05 AM   #28
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This forum has been such a comfort and source of strength for me...I appreciate the comments so much. I've heard from my daughter a couple of times since last Sunday but there have been no arguments. She seems to be hanging on through friends doing things for her. I'm wondering if she will ever reach her bottom at this rate. I can see this going on for months, years even...it's very hard to not drop off food or call to check on how she's feeling. Thoughts of her invade my thoughts throughout the day and I have to find something to distract myself to shake the feeling of dread and doom. I have told her I will be turning off the utilities to her apt (which she has managed to hold onto) at the end of July unless she transfers them to her name from mine. She owes a large balance which was explained to me last year before all this happened as a mix up from when she moved from an apt she had in her 20s. I gave her 6 weeks notice even though I know she cant or won't do anything to transfer the account. She'll start calling me and ranting about it being the hottest part of the year and that she won't be able to cook anything for herself. She is almost 6' tall and already weighs only 125 lbs. - very under weight. This all weighs so heavily on me, even when there is no contact between us.
I'm sure she will be very upset with me when she figures out I had my grandson (her son) stay with me for a few days last week. I didn't tell her (which was probably a mistake) because I didn't want to deal with her rants as she would have demanded I spend all the time ensuring she could see him. I can't be sure what she'll say to him as she has let him think its his fault they don't see each other regularly and he's only 6. I feel very bad about it; I don't want to be the source of hurting her, even if her choices are the reason she lost custody. Turns out I felt nervous and anxious for most of the time I had my grandson and I resented both her and me for it. I obviously have more work to do with detachment. I'll need lots more of God's patience and guidance to get through this.
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Unread 06-30-2013, 05:49 PM   #29
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OHIL, Stay strong. It was not a mistake to not let her know her son your grandson was with you.

As active alcoholics we do not lose things we give them away with our alcohol abuse.
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Unread 07-01-2013, 09:35 AM   #30
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Hi OHIL -

You are doing things and taking steps that you need in order to take care of yourself! This is good! Everyone's story is different, and we can make suggestions, but we are looking from the outside at your story and your struggles. We give suggestions because we have been there. I was the daughter that was playing the guilt card, thinking and acting like everyone should feel sorry for me. I thank God that I don't have to do that anymore.

Please do not feel guilty about not telling her about the visit with your grandson. Like you said, and she isn't in a state of mind to realize this, she GAVE UP custody of him because she chose alcohol over her son. It doesn't sound pretty, but it is what it is. You need have grandma time with him, and you did. As you said, it would have been a disaster having involved her.

As RLee said, it is important that you stay within the boundaries that you set. If you said the utilities will be shut off on July 31, stick with it. If you set a boundary and then say, "Oh, well, maybe another month...." she will use that to her advantage and nothing will change. I say this because I was her! I am praying for you and please take care and keep sharing with us! Jenm
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Unread 07-01-2013, 10:07 AM   #31
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I agree, you should not feel guilty for having seen your grandson and not telling ur daughter. She gave up that right when she made the choices and decisions she has. Not only do u need grandma time, your grandson need his "grandma time" as well. You are one of the good, wholesome people in his life and that is something that is priceless to a child. I have been reading this thread and keeping up with it daily and what you are doing concerning your daughter is exactly what SHE needs you to be doing, as well as what YOU need to be doing. Tough love is so hard because we fear is something horrible happens, it is our fault. Not true. By continuing to enable an alcoholic/addict, there is a much better chance of something horrible happening than by using tough love. I have been in recovery for 13 years from an awful cocaine addiction. I have a wonderful family, come from a lovely home, etc., and still I ended up in the throws of addiction. My parents enabled me for years, until finally one day, they said enough. The gravy train was over. And yes, I stayed in addiction for a long time even so, but because of their tough love and saying enough is enough, I hit a bottom so bad, that it changed my life. I woke up, got clean, and today have a wonderful relationship with my mom and children. My dad passed away this past Christmas and I am so blessed to have had such a wonderful relationship with him and so happy get got to see me clean and sober and successful. I got married several years ago, and am a grad student working on my Masters in psychology. If I can do this, trust me anyone can.
Jails, Institutions, and death, that is where our addictions will lead us. I have been through the first two, I thank God I was saved from the third. And even death came close as I was in a car accident while high and crashed. I ended up on life support for 11 days, then on to brain injury for 2 months. But that was not enough for me. Three years later I ended up in another accident that didn't kill me, but did claim the life of another woman. And that is when prison came, six years inside...six straight years. That is a bottom I pray your daughter never encounters. But God is good, and not only am I a new person, I am in contact with my victim's daughter. We talk and speak together on the power of forgiveness and the dangers of alcohol/drugs. It is a long story, a tragic story, but with a bittersweet ending. Keep up the great work, it'll be worth it, if for nothing else to get your sanity back and keep it. God bless. Julie
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Unread 07-01-2013, 12:29 PM   #32
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OHIL, Hello there.

With such difficult times for you i feel as a recovering alcoholic i want to support you around your Grandson. I have Grandchildren of my own, and around them all are adults constantly saying how much they love their children, and they do. But sometimes as Grandad i wonder if it is all lost on us, how much our children love us. Your role so very important.

To navigate doing the best for your family is a given, doing it is such hard work. We discuss giving all we can for our loved ones, when they struggle so with this horrible addiction, but please never feel guilty in using whatever it takes to carry on loving when you can your Grandson. Alcoholics use all kind of tactics to get their drink, do not feel guilty of using tactics to enable you to love your Grandson or yourself.

Try and find time to "put this away" OHIL, seemingly an impossible task, but sometimes i wish the families and loved ones had the same support as we do, in that just finding some time to be you is just as important.

Be peaceful, Loveness to you OHIL.
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Unread 07-01-2013, 01:00 PM   #33
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OHIL,

From what I have read, you sound like an amazing women and it seems like you are doing a great job handling the situation you are in. You just must remember that you have to remain strong. Don't forget about yourself. You have a lot going on and a lot that you are worrying about, but you don't want to forget you have to make yourself happy. What you are doing and how you are treating your daughter is exactly what she needs. She may not realize it now, but that tough love is what is going to help her in the long run. So, don't feel bad. She'll realize one day that you only wanted what was best for her and will thank you.
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Unread 07-02-2013, 09:28 PM   #34
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Tough day today...I lost a very good friend to a massive stroke. She was like a sister to me...she and her husband were like another set of parents to my girls when they were young. And my daughter texted that she was moving to the city and leaving the apartment near me. I cosigned the lease with her last year when I thought she was normal; I had already told her I was going to shut off the utilities at the end of July; this will end my financial ties with her. She won't tell me where she is moving to but said there were 4 other bedrooms in the house so she could have her son back and still live there. I didn't tell her she is so far from getting him back that it should be the last thing she worries about...would have been wasting my breath. She says she's in survival mode now. I don't even want to think about how she may be making money. My head feels like it will explode any minute but that would solve nothing. I have to pack for the trip across the country to attend the funeral for my friend. Peace to all...
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Unread 07-02-2013, 10:58 PM   #35
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I'm so sorry for your loss. please be kind to yourself. wishing you a safe trip.
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Unread 07-03-2013, 02:57 PM   #36
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Hello OHIL,

I just want to pass on my sorrow for your loss. As 1418 says, please be gentle with your thoughts. Let anger come, wash over you, and go. My thoughts are with you. Safe journey. Be peaceful.
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Unread 07-03-2013, 10:55 PM   #37
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Thank you to all for your kindness. I was given the gift of having an angel on earth as my friend and I'm very grateful for that. My daughter called to check on me today while we were driving from the airport. She sounded more like her old self; I almost felt like she was back-compassionate and kind is usually her nature. Remembering her disease and its grip on her makes me feel as if I'm mourning both her and my friend. The sadness is deep tonight...my heart is heavy. I'm looking for my higher power to show me the purpose in all this grief. I must trust that there is one...
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Unread 07-04-2013, 10:18 AM   #38
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Hi OHIL-

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. Please take care of yourself and know that I am praying for you. You are exactly right, we mourn those who have been 'taken over' by the disease of alcoholism. I have done the same thing myself with some of my own family members. I continue to trust in The Lord (my higher power) because I know that He has a plan. Always. Underneath the ugliness of alcoholism, your compassionate daughter is still there. The only thing is, she has to want to change and want to get help or nothing will be any different. I only wish there was a magic want of sorts to wave - and those we love that are consumed with this disease would see the error of their ways and get better. But there is not, and since I cannot change anyone else, I must take care of myself and continue to pray and believe that there is a purpose for everything, whether I like it or not. Please take care and continue to share! Jenm
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Unread 07-04-2013, 12:33 PM   #39
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OHIL, I'm sorry for the loss of your Angel.

As an alcoholic we can be Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde.

I loss my best friend about 2 years ago form alcoholism. No one could get through to him. His family enabled him & he died a drunk.

Stay strong & don't do this by yourself. There are support groups to help you.
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Unread 07-09-2013, 03:28 PM   #40
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OHIL, I am sorry for your loss. Put all of your worries away for a minute and have a little time just for yourself. You need and deserve it!
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Unread 07-16-2013, 10:56 PM   #41
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Another week, another drama...my daughter's landlord (yes, she's still hanging on in the apt) told her last Thursday that the city told him she had to move her vehicle with expired tags on it off the property. She responded immediately by driving it, with a suspended license, to my street and parking it in front of my house because i live outside thevcity limits. My HOA covenants prohibit overnight on-street parking. I told her she had to move it or the HOA would fine me. She said she would eventually move it but didn't have a plan because it was too risky for her. She tried to get me to fix it for her various ways - all manipulative. I told her if she could get it to my house, she could get it somewhere else or I'd have to call the county sheriff to tag it and eventually tow it so my HOA wouldn't take action against me. She blew me off so I called the sheriff and had it tagged. She finally moved it today. She asked me to provide directions to a friends house who agreed to store it for her without going through town. I spent 20 minutes putting it together for her and then she did something completely different and didnt use the directions but drove through town. She says she had more seizures a few days ago which means she is still drinking. She says she's sick today and oh by the way, is about to be homeless because her new roommate isn't working out. I told her I loved her and that I hoped she would work something out after I thanked her for moving the vehicle. I also told her I hoped she felt better soon. I stopped texting with her after that. I don't know if I'm working at detachment the way I'm supposed to but I don't know what else to do... I don't know what I'll do if something happens to her...
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Unread 07-17-2013, 07:57 PM   #42
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R. Lee - I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to lose your best friend that way. My condolences to you and my admiration for continuing to maintain your sobriety. I'm encouraged by stories like yours and others who have achieved a sober life and protect it so diligently. My hat is off to you all. Thanks for sharing and thank you for your kind words. I feel her loss so deeply.

Jenm and Klao, I felt the warmth and kindness in your words and found great comfort in them. Thank you both so much for the support.

So many wonderful people are here! Thank you for sharing your history, your struggles and your victories! You give me hope when there is no other reason to have any...
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Unread 07-17-2013, 09:51 PM   #43
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Hello OHIL,

So very good to hear from you. I just want to say that there is always hope. If that at times becomes a stuggle, this is a cracking place to say so.

Be peaceful. Loveness to you OHIL.
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Unread 07-18-2013, 08:01 PM   #44
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OHIL, Thank you. You are doing the right thing concerning your daughter's behavior.

We are here for you.
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Unread 07-20-2013, 11:26 PM   #45
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Julie47,
I apologize for not acknowledging your post sooner. My wonderful friend passed away and I was distracted by my trip and grieving. You have a overcome so many things and suffered so much! I'm sorry you had to go through that - addiction is a horrible thing. I'm so happy for you that your father was able to see your make it though before he passed. It must have been hard to share all that but your story gives me hope that she could make it back to us some day. Thank you again.
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Unread 07-24-2013, 12:20 AM   #46
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It's been pretty quiet for a week or so...should I text my daughter to say hello? I want to know how she's doing but I don't want to start up the constant drama...should I just let her be for a while?does anyone out there have experience with practicing detachment with love? I'd really appreciate it if you'd share your insights...
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Unread 07-24-2013, 08:14 AM   #47
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OHIL, The way she has treated you I would keep my distance. I know howhard this is on you but there is no reason to be mentally disturbed by her.
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Unread 07-24-2013, 05:59 PM   #48
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I agree with R. Lee. You deserve a break. Enjoy the peace and assume the best. I'm confident you will hear from her if things aren't going her way.
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Unread 07-26-2013, 12:10 AM   #49
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So...she called and left a message today on my voice mail. She said she just wanted to say hello and tell me her health was better and that things were still in "flux"but getting better. She said she loved me and just wanted to let me know that. I have not responded to her. I know R. Lee and 1418 thought I should just take a break but I'm not sure if I should just let it go or text her that I love her and nothing else. It's been about 12 days since we spoke.
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Unread 07-26-2013, 03:11 PM   #50
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I think it is OK to text her you love her & let is go. If she goes into any harassing you do mot respond.
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