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Unread 04-07-2010, 04:14 PM   #1
Dopeless Hope Fiend
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Default Can i vent!!!???

I don't know where to begin...
I don't know what the F is wrong with me...
So I'm just going to let it rip...

I think I hate a lot of things and I don't know why. I hate the way I'm feeling right now. I should be concentrating on the 15 page paper I haven't even started writing that is due this Sunday.

I hate the f'n bumblebees that were just buzzing around me when I went outside for a cigarette.

I hate that I smoke cigarettes. I hate that I took my anxiety medication but my heart is still pounding. I hate taking medications.

I hate that I'm hungry, ate something, am still hungry, and don't feel like eating.

I hate that I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even know why or how I'm typing this post.

I hate that I could just go to sleep, but I can't. My kids will be home soon and I have to put on a happy face.

I hate that when I count my blessings, I'm not feeling any better.

I hate that just a couple hours away from here, there are coal miners trapped underground and they may be dead.

I hate that everyone around me looks the same. I hate the way they speak poor English...they say stupid stuff like "crick" instead of "creek" and "runned" instead of "ran."

I hate that I live in a part of the country that is so remote I can't even go to a AA or NA meeting without it being a long trip.

I hate the way I feel when I listen to people in the meetings and I can barely relate because I feel I'm so different from them.

I hate that I think I'm any different from anybody else.

I hate waiting to feel better.

I hate my hormones. I hate that I can't remember what I was just going to say I hate.

I hate that the church I was born into makes me feel unwelcome and is mired in pedophile scandals. I hate that I haven't been to church in years.

I hate that I'm even writing this hateful post.

I hate that I'm going to click "Submit."

I am so sorry.

-DHF
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Unread 04-07-2010, 06:28 PM   #2
Dopeless Hope Fiend
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I guess I wasn't done...

I hate that I can't edit the title of my thread; I didn't capitalize "I" and I hate typos.

I hate those stupid f'n fake geese in people's yards. I hate that they are dressed in stupid costumes...red capes, rain gear, etc. I hate that somebody dresses their fake geese.

I hate that people expect me to wave to them if they're outside when I drive by their house. I don't know them. I don't want to wave to them. I hate taking my eyes off the road.

I hate having no anonymity whatsoever.

I hate that people litter. I hate junk in people's yards.

I hate whiny country music. I hate the stores that play it on a f'n loop.

I hate NASCAR. How stupid...watching cars drive around and around making left turns.

I hate tractor-pulls. I hate dead animals lying in the road.

I hate that I don't have enough time to bang out everything I hate.

I hate that there's an ICD-9-CM code for culture shock; I hate that I found it while looking up a code for something else.

I hate feeling like a hateful b*tch.

I hate being unsure I'm not one.

Last edited by Dopeless Hope Fiend; 04-07-2010 at 06:58 PM.. Reason: I hate my mistakes.
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Unread 04-07-2010, 09:23 PM   #3
amb128
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Hi H.P.F.- My name is Alene. Normally I read and post on the opiate sections of this site but today I saw your thread and read it. Then tonight saw your next. I'm not sure if you wanted any sort of response or if you just needed to "vent" so I apologize if I'm intruding or anything. Are you recovering from Meth? I've been there. Actually I had a pretty bad habit until I was introduced to pain pills. I know what you're going through and it sucks. I found you're post to be refreshing in a way. There are so many days I wish I could do what you did today. Often I think about all the things I hate, but never do I take the time to write it out. I was curious if it helps any? You don't sound like a bitch by the way, actually you sound like you are having a tough time. If you want someone to bitch to, I'll listen. If you need someone to cuss out, I can handle it.If I can be of any help just let me know. I noticed not many people use this part of the site, but I have read most of the posts in this forum. You have been around awhile. So anyways, just letting you know someone is here paying attention and if you need to talk or anything I'm here. I'm no expert about anything, but I do care.
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Unread 04-07-2010, 10:09 PM   #4
2kayden
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gosh u sound so much,like the way i used to b,i hated ppl,everything..sounds like ur in the hills of W.V.been there uncountable time and have family there,all im gnna say besuide wht i just did is.whn i hated it was actually easy for me,it was natural to hate,i let the little things literally the little things that should not even matter to me,get to me.where im at now in life is,whni look back...damn why did i put so much energy into hateing..well because if i hated,thn i could like or love,and no-one else could love me..then i wouldnt have to worry bout being disappointed or disappointing other situations. so idk,now i look at these stupid little things or ppl,i used to let bother me..like who the hell or what the hell r they to me,why would i let someone else dictate my feelings,who r they to control me?no-one,they dnt deserve to b above me and let thm control my life basically..hard to explain,but that was just me,not sayin its u,but we did have one thing in common,so i thought i would share the way i have changed now. u control ur emotions,dont let anything or anyone else control how u feel,good luck,it will get better
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Unread 04-09-2010, 06:37 AM   #5
NancyB
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Hi DHF, I'm sorry that I just saw this now. How are you doing? Vent all you want! You can't bottle it up inside. You're safe here.

I'll tell you what I hate. I hate seeing you so upset. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you feel better. But I hate that I don't know the words. So, please just keep venting, talk to us, let us know if there's anything we can do.

(((((hugs)))))
Nancy
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Unread 04-17-2010, 05:23 PM   #6
GT2man
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New best friend! I hate Nascar too WTF man?!!? see ya
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Unread 04-21-2010, 04:10 PM   #7
Dopeless Hope Fiend
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Hey everybody,

Thanks for letting me vent. I think I've just been so stressed-out lately that I focused on everything that I hate, rather than everything I have to be grateful for. Bad me. I know better. Anyway...

Alene, no worries. I don't know if I wanted a response, either. You weren't intruding. I'm not sure why I posted in the thread. Perhaps I did want a response...I don't know. Yes, I'm a recovering methamphetamine addict...cocaine and alcohol, too.

May 4th I'll have 8 years clean. Happy, joyous and free, no, not yet...working on it.

To answer your question...if writing out everything I hate helps any, I don't know that either. I feel better today, but can't attribute it to anything other than trying to focus on positive stuff and things I have control over. Thanks for offering to let me bitch and cuss at you...I don't plan on it though. But I think it's nice that you've offered me that option...thank you much.

2kayden, thank you for sharing how you've felt and how you handled it. You are so right, I put alot of energy into all this hating. No wonder I've been so drained. I've been reading a self-help book that pretty much sums up what you said...when I let people or things affect me in a negative way like I have, basically I've become their slave. Like a puppet being controlled by someone else. No, that's not me..
.
NancyB, hugs to you too. Thank you for reminding me that this forum is a safe place for me to vent, that I can't keep it...whatever it is...bottled up. I am so grateful for this site, even if it is slow...you've always responded to me no matter what...thank you so much.

GT2man, LOL! I'll be your best friend...I still hate NASCAR. And today, I really don't care how many fans are cursing me. God love them and their enjoyment of continuous left turns.

Hope you all have an awesome dopeless day,

-DHF
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Unread 04-28-2010, 05:54 AM   #8
NancyB
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Hi DHF, just checking in to see how you're doing. Did you get those stress levels down at all? Be gentle on yourself, ok? You've got a lot of stuff going on and if you need to vent, vent by all means!

8 years coming up soon. Now that is fabulous!!

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 04-28-2010, 12:14 PM   #9
Dopeless Hope Fiend
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Hi Nancy,

Thanks for checking on me! I'm still stressed, but not to the extent of hating everything. I'm just managing to keep from blowing my top. I've started a new semester of school, and NONE of my books have arrived...two should be here today, but the most important ones are on backorder. Nobody can tell me when I'll receive them. My course load has increased from two classes to three, and working two was hard enough for me. I'm in over my head. And I really want to maintain my 4.00 GPA. Holy cow...4.00! I've never been good at anything, always thinking I made a better drug-addict than a clean person. I'm on the Dean's List too! See, I have all these things to be grateful for, but for some weird reason, I spent a great deal of time miserable. I don't get it. So I'm trying to shift my focus from misery to happiness. After all, both are choices. I just never thought of it that way, choosing to be happy. Lately, it's been an effort.

If I can keep in mind that it's useless to worry and stress over the things I have NO control over, well then, I'll have made some improvement. I've been reading this book "Erroneous Zones" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Maybe you've read it...it says something to the effect of when people complain about being tired, for example, they're actually abusing the people they're complaining to! Wow...I never considered that! So now I'm going to watch what I say, like to my kids and husband. Really, everybody.

You know it just occurred to me, I'm so used to having things taken away, or end badly...perhaps somewhere in the back of my still-sick mind, I fear losing everything. What do you think?

-DHF
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Unread 05-02-2010, 10:13 AM   #10
NancyB
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Hi DHF, a 4.0 GPA! Wow! You go! Do you think you're putting a bit too much pressure on yourself to be perfect? Look back at all you've accomplished in these past 8 years, staying addiction free is at the top. It's been 8 years (congrats on Tuesday officially ), stop defining yourself as a 'drug addict'. My dear, you're not! You're a great mom, wife, friend, etc. That's YOU. NOT a drug addict. So maybe if you stop defining yourself by an illness you put into remission 8 years ago, you can start enjoying YOU instead of trying to prove yourself to yourself.

Does that make any sense?

And it's ok to vent. And it's ok to hate things. That's all part of being human.

BTW, congrats on quitting smoking!! Just don't let that put undue stress on yourself, ok?

(((hugs)))
Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 05-02-2010, 09:29 PM   #11
theswan
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Hi DHF

I may be real twisted but I enjoyed your rant. I guess one can call it identifying with the author.

I always hold on to the saying 'this too shall pass" and it oft times gets me through the rough patchs.

Good luck and God bless

Glen
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Unread 05-17-2010, 03:44 PM   #12
Dopeless Hope Fiend
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Hi theswan,

I'm glad you enjoyed my rant. I really didn't set out to offend anyone. If anyone was entertained by it, well then, great.

I never said I wasn't a trippy bitch.

I think of that saying often..."this too shall pass..." and it does.

Thanks for wishing me good luck and God's blessings...same to you.

Have an awesome, dopeless day,

-DHF
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