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Unread 01-22-2012, 02:38 PM   #1
istherehope
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Default Finally, i am equally scared of using and of not using...

HERE IS GOES....I HAVE PUT THIS OFF SINCE I FIRST JOINED BECAUSE I AM SKILLED AT RATIONALIZING. JUST AS SKILLED AS ANY OTHER ADDICT. I HIDE BEHIND MY WORDS OFTEN TIMES AND I PUSH OTHERS AWAY WITH THOSE SAME WORDS. I AM GOING TO MAKE A CONCERTED EFFORT TO CUT THROUGH THE BS AND TELL YOU WHO AND WHAT I HAVE BECOME....

I AM A 55 YEAR OLD WOMAN WHO EVEN WINCES AT THE WORD WOMAN. I HAVE LOST THE FORTITUDE TO GROW UP AND STILL CONSIDER MYSELF A GIRL....WHICH IS IN KEEPING WITH THE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT PART OF BEING AN ADDICT. I STARTED DRINKING WHEN I WAS 17 AND NOW I RARELY IF EVER TOUCH ALCOHOL. I ATTENDED AA FOR MANY YEARS AND I ENJOYED MOST OF THOSE YEARS . WHEN I HAD MY DAUGHTER IN 87 I QUIT DRINKING WHILE I WAS PREGNANT AND THEN STARTED WHEN SHE WAS BORN UNTIL SHE WAS 6 MONTHS. THEN I QUIT FOR 10 YEARS. ANYWAY, I WILL CUT TO THE CHASE. CURRENTLY I AM ADDICTED TO CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE , SOMA, AND PAIN MEDICATION. I STARTED USING METH (WHICH I CALL "nothing") FULL TIME (everyday), APPROX. 11 YEARS AGO BECAUSE I COULDN'T USE COCAINE ANY LONGER. i WAS SLAMMING COKE FOR APPROX HALF A YEAR FULL TIME AROUND 1997-98 AND THAT BEHAVIOR TOOK ME DOWN AND SPIT ME OUT INTO A HEAP OF DESTROYED HEALTH AND NO WORTH. I TOOK MYSELF TO A INPATIENT TX FACILITY WEARING SLIPPERS. TOLD THE INTAKE WORKER THAT SHE BETTER PUT HER PERSONAL ASSESSMENT ASIDE AND LET ME ENTER TX OR I WOULD GO TO MY CAR AND WRITE A LAST NOTE TO THE WORLD THAT SHE HAD A CHANCE TO ACCEPT ME AND SAVE MY LIFE, BUT SHE CHOSE TO TREAT ME AS A DISPOSABLE HUMAN BEING. (i had been a total of 3 times to this intake worker and had clashed severely with her. she has since died of alcoholism. sad but that is the nature of a disease gone unchecked)

I STAYED IN TX AND WAS ABLE TO STAY CLEAN FOR 5 MONTHS AFTER.

I AM A CERTIFIED AOD COUNSELOR. I HAVE TWO UNDERGRADUATE DEGREES IN ENGLISH , SPEECH AND THEATER AND A MFA IN PLAY WRITING. AND THIS PARAGRAPH ALONE PROVES THAT EDUCATION DOES NOT MEAN INTELLIGENT . AND EDUCATION DOES NOT MEAN ONE IS FREE FROM THE GRIPS OF ADDICTION. NOR DOES IT KEEP YOU FROM LOSING EVERYTHING TWICE AND FINDING YOURSELF HOMELESS AND FINANCIALLY RUINED.

AFTER COCAINE, CAME ALCOHOL AGAIN, THEN I SETTLED INTO METH AND MORPHINE., SOMA AND LORTAB (or any pain medication) I LANDED IN THE ER SHORTLY AFTER GETTING MARRIED THE SECOND TIME , MY HUSBAND TOOK ME INTO ER 12 DAYS AFTER I WENT DOWN IN BED WITH A 105,8 FEVER AND COULDN'T EAT, URINATE, STAND UP OR TALK MUCH. STILL I WOULD'T LET HIM TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL UNTIL MY UA PROVED CLEAN FROM ALL DRUGS, AND HE OBEYED THOSE ORDERS, AT THE COST OF MY LIFE AND SERENITY OF MY FAMILY. WHICH MY MOTHER WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD STAND BY ME, SEEMS THAT MY RITZY SIBLINGS DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVING AN ADDICT AT ALL, SO THEY HAD DISOWNED ME 100%..

TO WRAP IT UP,,,,,I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 6 AND A HALF WEEKS WITH ENDOCARDITIS . HAD OPEN HEART SURGERY AND MRSA. THEY PINNED THE ENDO ON BEING AN IV DRUG USER, BUT I HAVE COME TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE LABELING WAS FOR MONEY PURPOSES., I WASN'T EVEN SLAMMING DURING THAT TIME AND I HAVE RESEARCHED THE ENTIRE MESS AND IT DEFINITELY HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MRSA, A SUPERBUG STAPH INFECTION THAT WAS MOSTLY HOSPITAL BORN AT THE TIME OF MY INFECTION., I HAD RECEIVED IT IN ANOTHER HOSPITAL IN DEC 2000 FROM A ER MD WHO PANICED UPON HEARING THAT I WAS A COCAIN ADDICT AND DREW BLOOD FROM MY GROIN WITHOUT FIRST STERILIZING THE AREA. I WENT IN WITH PNEUMONIA AND STAYED IN WITH STAPH INFECTION. THAT WAS 3 YEARS BEFORE MY OPEN HEART OPERATION. SINCE THEN RESEARCH SHOWS THAT ALL MY SYMPTOMS AND DIAGNOSIS WAS MRSE RELATED.

SO I CURRENTLY AM USING. IT HAS BECOME MY LIFE. AND IT HAS TAKEN MY ENTIRE FOCUS AND RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS ARE ALMOST NON EXISTENT. I JUST CAME OUT OF A 6 PLUS YEAR ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, (not my second husband. we were married 3 years only and he was gone almost 2 out of those 3. he ended up being a fraud , con and an addict. ) SO ANYWAY, THIS LAST RELATIONSHIP WAS PUT TOGETHER UNDER THE USE OF METH, AND ENDED UP WITH AGGRAVATED ASSAULT AND THAT WAS SEPT 4 AND 5TH OF 2011. JUST RECENTLY I HAVE BEEN SEEING HIM AGAIN AGAINST COURT ORDERS OF A NO CONTACT RULING AGAINST HIM. I AM IN A SITUATION WHERE I AM SO ALONE AND FEELING COMPLETELY WORTHLESS THAT I TURNED TO HIM , KNOWING IT I HAD DOPE HE WOULD RESPOND. I AM IN A DESPERATE STATE OF AFFAIRS.,AND OFTEN I DON'T EVEN LEAVE MY BED. I AM NOT WELL, AND I HAVE NO HEALTH INSURANCE., NO MONEY AND NO HOPE. I WANT DESPERATELY TO QUIT THIS BEHAVIOR, BUT I HAVE CONVINCED MYSELF THAT I AM THE ONE WHO CAN'T .THE EFFECTS OF LONG TERM USE HAS CAUGHT UP WITH ME NUMEROUS TIMES AND HAS LEFT ME WITH DIMINISHED ABILITIES. I REALIZE THAT MY BRAIN DOESN'T FUNCTION THE SAME , MY BODY IS SLOWING DOWN BEYOND THE NATURAL AGING OF 55 AND MY FUTURE LOOKS BLEAK. I LIVE IN CLUTTER AND IT PAINS ME TO RIGHT SO TRUTHFULLY ABOUT MY SITUATION, BUT I HAVE NO WHERE ELSE I AM WILLING TO TURN TO, I HAVE BEEN IN THE PROCESS OF COMMITTING MYSELF TO THE ADDICTION SURVIVOR COMMUNITY SINCE NOV. OF LAST YEAR, NOW I AM READY TO RECEIVE HELP AND I AM WILLING TO DO ALL THAT I AM ABLE TO LISTEN AND FOLLOW THROUGH . FINALLY MY DEMONS ARE WEAKENED ENOUGH TO ALLOW MY ASKING FOR SUPPORT. AND I CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE BECAUSE I AM TIRED AND NEED TO REST,.
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Unread 01-22-2012, 08:14 PM   #2
vhappy
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Istherehope,
YES there is always hope, it is never to late. I was in active addiction from my 30s to later 40s. Iwas addicted to opiates and currently in recovery for the last 3 years. I am sorry your family doesnt understand your addiction, but also know that when I was in active addiction, I allienated my loved ones purposley, becayse I wasnt ready to hear what they had to say. Recovery saved my life, time and trust brought my loved ones back.

Are you currently on medicaid? If not it sounds like you should be. There are so many programs out there, that can help with recovery, finding a job and finding housing. No none of it is immediate, but you have to start somewhere. If you are looking for help with finding resources, you will have to say what state and county you are in. I am a social service worker, and know how to look for programs. Yes the system really can be slow, but can also help put lives back together, and remove barriers for that help.

You have been through so much, and I am sure I dont have to tell you, the guy is bad news....hanging with him, will only drag you down. You are not alone, there are so many others out there, that have similar stories. Its your life you are the only one that can live it. This is a start, reaching out for some support, keep coming back, at least you wont feel so isolated and alone.

Hope to hear from you again,

Vhappy
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Unread 01-22-2012, 08:39 PM   #3
CarlyO
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Default There is always HOPE and You are NOT alone !

Dear ISTHEREHOPE,

Welcome to the forum, congrats for posting and thanks for sharing .
Yes, imo there is always HOPE ! I am so sorry you went through the all of the medical issues, some doctors , medical pros are simply NOT educated about addiction. This site is dedicated to education, the members, the "powers that be" etc...
You said it, you have degrees and they say we Overthink recovery/remission and those of us in the "helping Professions" are not immune from this insidious disease. But- again there is HOPE ! Many of us came here feeling alone and that is what peer support is for- you do not have to be alone, you are NOT alone.
You also mentioned addiction to pain meds.. have you checked out the opiate forum? For many of us Suboxone, has been a life saver, it certainly gave me my life back, in the process, this is just for me , my experience, I no longer Craved any benzos, my DOC was opiates and always had benzos since age 14. But when I started sub program, doctor said NO substances at all. That was a miracle that I no longer needed opiates and benzos.

To the Right hand side of this page you will see in the orange box a link to The Treatment Locator - you merely type in your zip code and it will get you started on what help is available near you. IMO - it sounds like you need an understanding professional to help you, you know that it takes a few tries to find that professional who will help you.
My main concern right now is for physical health, having an assessment and making a plan, maybe after you are through the withdrawals safely, which I know is scary as H@%&* but is doable especially now, with suboxone for cravings, withdrawals.
Would you consider maybe after stabilization, going to a long term /residential?

Please keep reaching out, reach within you and start making those phone calls, use the treatment locator, check out the alcohol and opiate forums, you are NOT alone and there is something inside you that DOES want help, please don't give up - you are worth it and addiction remission is worth it !

Keep us posted, take care, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 01-22-2012, 08:41 PM   #4
CarlyO
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Dear VHappy and Istherehope,
Vhappy- Great post!

Thanks, I forgot about medicaid, good idea !


Here the Links I mentioned in my post : also most every page has the treatment locator, you enter your zip code, then a list of , clinics, doctors, therapists etc... names/ numbers are available within your location... 10 miles Plus!

Opiate Forum :
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...splay.php?f=45

Alcohol forum:

http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...splay.php?f=62

Main Page of site :
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.

Last edited by CarlyO; 01-22-2012 at 08:53 PM.. Reason: added links
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Unread 01-28-2012, 06:50 PM   #5
joelowe4u
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CarlyO View Post
Dear VHappy and Istherehope,
Vhappy- Great post!

Thanks, I forgot about medicaid, good idea !


Here the Links I mentioned in my post : also most every page has the treatment locator, you enter your zip code, then a list of , clinics, doctors, therapists etc... names/ numbers are available within your location... 10 miles Plus!

Opiate Forum :
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...splay.php?f=45

Alcohol forum:

http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...splay.php?f=62

Main Page of site :
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/
I thank you guys for this site.I could use some peer support in m area.
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Unread 01-29-2012, 03:02 PM   #6
CarlyO
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Default Welcome Joelowe4u

Dear Joe,

Welcome to the forum. It would help us if you could let us know what you are dealing with. You are posting on the stimulant forum, what is your drug of choice ( doc)? I know often some of us misuse more than one substance which is why Addiction Survivors is so helpful, there is a forum and lots of education on alcohol, opiates, benzos, as well as live chat. The site is easy to navigate and the members are so supportive.

I hope will share more of what is going on with you , if you have any specific questions as well and/or if you want to vent.

Again, welcome, take care Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 01-29-2012, 03:10 PM   #7
CarlyO
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Default Istherehope? -- How are U doing ?

Dear IsthereHope?

I kept checking to see if you had posted since the feedback and links. I know when we are in the midst of the struggle, we have days where we believe it's possible and there is hope to days that we may not feel like sharing. That is how it was for me before I sought help.
I know now there is always hope, posting here can help you at least vent until you are ready to seek help.

I hope you will post again, we know your fears, concerns , worries, feelings of lonliness as that is what this disease does. BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE !
Be safe, take care - Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 02-06-2012, 02:15 AM   #8
CarlyO
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Hi Hope,

Still checking on you, HOPING you will post an update. Take care and be safe, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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