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Unread 01-01-2011, 04:39 AM   #1
lindamine
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Default my name is linda and i am.....

Hi everyone.....
gonna take the almighty leap....admit it here first........
I DID start drinking.....did not for first year on subs...desire was gone...and i never much liked it...my husband is severe alcoholic...and it disgusts me...i know he is "sick" and i love him so much...but absolutley detest it when he drinks...

Dilema: and I don't know how i got here....here i am sitting up at 3 a.m. sipping my scotch......nobody knows...yes they know i may have 1 or 2....but i have started to "hide" it in my car (not while driving...just use it as liquor cabinet in underneath well of car).......

Yup....i know.....red flag......don't know how it happened!!!!
This was not a problem for me since i was 20....now 47......
i know...it's all the same disease.....

I have had a horrid year....needed 4 months out of work due to breakdown...not drinking at the time.....have been on TONS of psych meds.....have the whole rapid cycling, panic, anxiety, bad depression.....i just started having a little......ya know how it goes from there.....I never dreamed i would go down this road!!!!!
It's all about relief....having a really bad time with psych meds....(before i started the drinking)....awfull!!!! some made me even more depressed...some made me have extreme panic...some made me a zombie...some made me gain weight., some keep me up all night...hmmmmm. let's see, what else....oh...make me so tiered the next day, i can barely function at work......alot of confusion and memory issues....before the drinking (and now of course that is worse).

There....did it........confessed......even my pdoc has no clue.....i carry myself well...nobody can tell.....i see pdoc 4 times a week.....for the past 1 1/2 yrs.....he knows me very well.......but hasn't caught this.....or as far as I can tell...maybe he is just waiting and letting me "self discover"....some stupid psch technique....doubt it though..

ok...i am rambling now.....i am very familiar with aa....like i said at 20 years old went down that road....sober for twelve years.....then started with other drugs....opiates my dreamboat.......

Just don't know where this came from.....I hate AA...such bad panic and anxiety, cant get in the door.....
It's just that all this other psych stuff has me so messed up.....i resorted to past behaviors.....
I know, better nip it in the bud.......trouble is...don't want to....i like the relief...true addict.

Don't know what i am asking for...nothing really.....just needed to put it out there...and admit it to myself here tonight for the first time.....
Yup....this is the first i am addresssing it.

I am just so messed up.....with everything......anything i ever do or try.....i weasel my way to make it suit me........

How did I get here? Something I despise so much...is now lifeline.
I know.....just another DOC to add to list...
So sick of my life!!!!!!!!
I screw up everything.

thanks for listening.
linda
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Unread 01-01-2011, 07:54 AM   #2
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Hi Linda, that took a lot to make that post. I hope you found some relief just by talking about it. But please talk with your pdoc about what's going on. One thing that is worrisome is how the alcohol could be reacting with your meds. As you know, alcohol is a depressant and even though it's an escape right now, it's probably doing more harm than good.

Have you thought at all about getting another opinion from another pdoc? There could be something that someone else sees that your current doctor is missing. It won't hurt and, who knows, it could be a turning point for the better. You don't screw everything up! You deserve a good, happy life. Please at least think about that second opinion? Keep posting too. We're here for you.

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Unread 01-01-2011, 11:28 AM   #3
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I can only understand a FRACTION of what you feel and the frustration. I agree with Nancy.. mixing those meds with alcohol is really scary. When I was on Effexor XR.. after about a few weeks of drinking (going to bars) I finally started finding myself crying in the bathrooms. It happened every time so finally I just quit and stopped going. Linda, you can't hide from this and you know that. Don't let alcohol destroy everything. I can't imagine the frustration with all those mood stabilizers but I would go to a second opinion.. doesn't mean you have to leave the one you've been seeing. Keep posting Linda, I'm worried.
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Unread 01-01-2011, 12:49 PM   #4
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The best of luck to you linda, I have always had an underlying social phobia(agoraphobia), panic/anxirty disotder which has always controlled my life. I was always just given a benzodiazepine and an ssri along with the methadone maintanence I was on and pretty much told to deal with it.I was a wreck even with the valium ,methadone, paxil(etc. ssri).

Now I have tapered off valium completely as they were causing rebound anxiety, switched to Suboxone, and my sub doctor put me on Cymbalta a month ago, a med I have never tried. The sub. and Cymbalta has completely changed my life. I really hope things work out for you, I know it gets old but keep working with your Dr. to find a med. that works for you for your mental condition. For me Cymbalta has finally changed my life.

Last edited by Dolo; 01-01-2011 at 12:58 PM..
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Unread 01-01-2011, 04:21 PM   #5
lindamine
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oh my gosh...i just spent one hour thinking things out and writing responses ...and lost it......so frustrated.....poured my heart out!

Uggggh!

Thanks guys.....for answering me.
my response was stupid like everything else i am up to.....

really ashamed of my self.
disappointed.

I know better....and yet still......i feel like i want to self-destruct.

just sick of this whole game.............
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Unread 01-01-2011, 05:42 PM   #6
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hello lindamine, I am sorry you lost your post, but at least you got it out of your mind by writing it down. I really think it is time for you to seek out a second opinion. Go to a different dr who can start fresh with medicine-wean off those that need weaning and then when you start with new stuff if you do it one at a time you will know just what works and what causes problems. Sometimes too many medicines can really foul one up-yet, certain medicines cannot be just stopped, without tapering, so that is why I urge you to find a different dr who will look at things with a new perspective.

And, yes, the drinking is not helping, it is even hurting, the situations you are currently facing. I know you know that because you have written us about it. That shows you are concerned.

I really believe if you quickly get another dr, and start fresh you will find a solution. Not saying your old dr is bad, just that what he/she has been doing has not been working at all so it is time to look in a different direction. Too much medicine could be the culprit for you at this time so please think about getting a second opinion. I don't know much about medications but I do know that you should not be feeling so distressed right now and maybe some of the medications are causing it. Ok?

Let us know.

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Unread 01-02-2011, 01:21 AM   #7
lindamine
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i dont understant....why do people tell me to go to another pdoc......yes i am still in turmoil...but farther away than i was last year.....i have read so much on this, and it can take up to two years, to arrive on a proper "cocktail".....there is alot of research done on this......difficulty being....each and every person is unique, as to response to meds.....there is a simple protocol.....to start with......then new ones need to be introduced..tried....perhaps removed.......it is the process....it would be a shame, to diminish the power of my work and his skills, by simply meeting with yet another stranger....which i have done for 20 years.......and get nowhere......

I will think about 2nd opinion....but i am very hesitant....first and foremost....my insurance....but suppose....just suppose, my family would step up and help....i don't know that i would welcome it........i have worked so hard with this man....very intensive therapy......

I just don't see, how another complete stranger....could understand my issues at such a complete level....and randomly medicate.......i've been in hospital....randomly RX'd meds...no help.......

I have some sort of allegiange to my current pdoc.....which i will examine.....but i really don't see it as suitable.....
I will, be able to go to him on Monday, and share with him, all that i did here......

It just seems like such a "template" response....to get another opinion.....why not work through it with the doc that has come to know me inside out. ?????
I just believe this answer to be a pacifier.....well intended, and i don't mean to sound un-grateful....but why run????? why not work harder?.....perhaps, i need ...welll...definatly, i am not letting him help me properly......with my current mis-doings.......there is no need to run....only to get honest.

I truly appreciate all that has been said...and I take it to heart......very strange.....seeing another pdoc suggestions....struck a chord and angered me....
which i do not do often......How about just a better communication level on my part...I think then, he could work better with me....

It's me...and what I am doing.......
I am to blame.
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Unread 01-02-2011, 08:48 AM   #8
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Hi Linda, the reason I suggested to get a second opinion is that you might find a doctor who has a different way of treating things and it never hurts just to get another opinion. It doesn't mean that you're running, it's just that someone might have a different take on things. I know you're comfortable and happy with your pdoc and he's gone way beyond what many doctors would, so I'm not suggesting you leave him, just get a different perspective from a different doctor is all. You never know, there might be something that your doctor didn't try that worked on some other doctor's patients.

But if it is about communication, then absolutely try that first. You could think about printing out your posts here and handing it to him on Monday so he can what you're going through? Just a thought.

We all just want to see you feel better.

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Unread 01-02-2011, 09:37 AM   #9
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I'm sorry, Linda. I was only trying to help and it popped into my mind. How are you doing?
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Unread 01-02-2011, 09:44 AM   #10
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Good morning lindamine, So sorry, when I talked of another opinion I did not do so in order to cause you anger, or distress. It is just when we are struggling it is good to look to other things that might help. When you say you have worked with this dr so very closely and you feel that he has given you good support that is great but that also does not mean a fresh set of eyes on the situation would be a bad thing. I also understand the difficulty of perhaps opening up to another "stranger", as you put it. Yet, if you would bring another perspective into it, and it helped you then that would be a good thing. As Nancy said, we are just looking at different ways to help you feel better-of course, it is up to you to decide what you are comfortable with and what you feel you are able to do.

It sounds good that you plan to really share and be honest when you meet your dr on Monday. Are you thinking about printing and taking these posts with you? That might make it easier to discuss with the dr when he could read just how you are feeling through the writings.

In no way did I want my postings to you to be distressful, quite the opposite. I understand exactly what you are saying, and I hear what a struggle you are going through right now. I am hopeful that your appointment on Monday will give you a positive boost. Take care and best wishes always,

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Unread 01-02-2011, 10:36 AM   #11
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Linda, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know first hand what alcoholism can do to a person. I just lost my brother two months ago to it. He was only 42. He was addicted to opiates for many years, and then after he finally quit those, he picked up the bottle instead. He kept thinking he could stop, but things just keep getting worse and worse. We never knew just how bad his alcohol problem was until it was too late.
The good thing here with you is you are writing about it, and wanting solutions. Nancy and Nan and Miss Survivor are right on target telling you to get another opinion. Its not a generic answer, its the truth. I say this because my brother had a doctor that he went to on a regular basis, and the doctor never even paid attention to the fact that my brother was turning yellow from liver failure, or that he wasnt able to eat anymore or even pee because his kidneys were shutting down. I am not discrediting your doctor, Im just saying sometimes doctors get in "robot" mode and dont really see whats happening to their patients for whatever reason....
Some doctors are so busy that its easy to just pull out the script pad and give out medications, and they never see the underlying issues. They just dont spend the time to HEAR people, or step back and take a look, really look at the person and see that they are suffering.
Im sorry if this is what you wanted to hear....I just want you to know that I have seen alcohol and depression kill someone, my brother, and I hate to hear of anyone suffering from it. And you say your husband is an alcoholic, so he should find some help too. There is a shot called Vivitrol that the doctor gives you once a month to stop cravings from alcohol. Maybe you and he could check into that.
I wish you and your husband the best. Please seek out some different opinions on your situation. Best wishes, Deanna
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Unread 01-02-2011, 03:18 PM   #12
lindamine
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hi everyone....thank you all so much for the responses....i mean that from the bottom of my heart..this is such a very special place...

Please, i ask you, don't feel bad or be upset with me.....the anger (and it wasn't too much) is really all about me....my resistance...my reactions....
I will explore this more....why i fight this suggestion.....so many times here, people have advised me to get second opinion....it's just a tough one...as I have spent hours upon hours in therapy at this dr's office.....and to run from it would be hard.....the thought of having to go through all my history and tales of woe all over again....just keeps me where i am at.

The responses were all really very helpful, and i suppose, with so many of you telling me this, perhaps a second opinion may be in order.....i don't know if my insurance will allow it, but my ideal way, would be to go and talk to another, feel it out....but still have the option of keeping mine.....
I know that could be asking alot..

What I am committing to at this time......I will, on Monday, bring all my posts in with me and plunk it down...put all my cards on the table.....how can he be expected to treat me properly, when I have not revealed what I am doing....think it is a fault of my own...
Anyhow....this is my starting step.
I did speak with my doctor this weekend and only got into the fact that the meds are not doing it for me.....I can barely sleep...and the type of meds i take should be enough to knock out a platoon....anti-psychotics are very strong and have normally put me right out...

I think to myself...maybe, just maybe, if better medicated, i would not have felt the need to be doing what i am.....then again....just poor choice on my part....

deanna....oh my gosh....I can't imagine loosing such a young man to alcoholism...one would never think it would take a person this young....thought it needed years and years of abuse until this would occur......perhaps the pain meds did alot of damage before the drinking.......whatever.....it is just tragic and I feel for what you have been through.

I have a sister that lost her husband at age 40...from cancer.....don't know quite how to word this, but i think it's that a greater acceptance of the death can be had, as compared to one with alcoholism......but, cancer and alcoholism are both diseases....so I don't know.....just thinking about it....I just can't imagine the pain you must have went through, watching him self destruct---

Deanna--you have been through so so much....and i was reading your other posts.....boy oh boy....you are defiinattly somebody i would want as a friend....you have such a special outlook and your ressponses are always so caring...upbeat and so encouraging-ALWAYS.

Once again, thank to all.....it is overwhelming, how much support is on these boards...it is a very special community....I belong to a couple of others and they are nothing in comparison to here....

My best to all,
Linda
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Unread 01-02-2011, 04:49 PM   #13
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Linda,
You wouldn't even necessarily run from your other doctor.. just see what the "second opinion" has to say.. but this is all up to you. We're just here for you and to give you advice. I can't imagine the frustration you go through everyday wishing these meds would work. I can almost see why you went to alcohol just to even sleep at night. I'm not saying this is OK I'm just saying I can see the reasoning.. especially with our behaviors.. but it's bad news!! And dangerous. I'm sorry you're going through this. Ever since you've been here you have been struggling with these damn meds. I know anti psychotics are strong. When I was 18 yrs old, I had sleeping issues and I always used Tylenol PM but I was taking up to 7/night so I wanted a RX sleep med. I flew through so many because they would only work the first time or I liked how Ambien would make me feel and I'd stay up on them so he then RX'd me Seroquel. That didn't work either except give me dry mouth, make me get up and eat and have a stuffy nose. That stuff was very strong and I didn't take it anymore. When I found out it was an anti-psychotic I was angry too because I was looking for a sleep-aid and these docs don't explain much to you sometimes (in my case). I don't see that guy anymore anyway! I really hope to hear from you soon.. just let us know how you're doing. We're here.
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Unread 01-02-2011, 10:45 PM   #14
lindamine
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yes, i have the seroquel med.....although i do see the need for it psycotically...often times, when i can not sleep for many days on end...pdoc says to take more....basically, beocoming a sleep aid...not what it is designed for.....so I resist....with him knowing this...

He is really pushing the benzo's on me at the moment......I can see why...my anxiety and panic have led me to a state of such confusion and memory issues...."scatterbrain"...as my nana used to say...but super duper level.....it's scary.....so often, i don't know how to even get out my front door....what i need , where am i going....then when in the car....forgetting where i am going......I finally get there.......forget to turn car off......have left it on......come out of store with no idea where i parked.......

I do see what my pdoc is getting at and agree....this is a huge case of panic disorder....I never knew it could be at this level....the term seems to simplify it too much...panic....sounds so simple....but it is something that has brought me to psycotic levels......
That is why he feels it is imperative, to begin benzo use.....in order to begin contending with the reason for it and work through the whole med regime.....

It scares me.....I am a very addictive person.
I asked him, if he would keep hold of them and give me 5 days at a time supply. He thought that would be a good idea if I was concerned about it.........but, he says, the simple fact that you are so willing to loose control of them....just means, that you will be fine with taking them....he is right....benzo's were never my thing...but i think....if this is all i have left...then it may become a new DOC.....just a precaution.

I have alot of issues to contend with....my opiate addiction feels like a fly on my arm, compared to the other matters I contend with......although, I should not take it to the back burner...it just seems to be the smallest thing for me right now....as long as i am on the suboxone......all these other issues i contend with....are the reason for my opiate addiction....i was self medicating.

Pdoc wants me to take ambien tonight...i will.....can't stand being up til 3 a.m. every night and i start back to work tomorrow, after being off for a whole week....i work in a public school......this has me nervous too! jumping back in......the break from work, is actually not a good thing for me........routine is better.

Anyhow guys, once again, i say thank you.
this is helping me so much to be able to talk about all this.

be good,
linda
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Unread 01-03-2011, 09:12 AM   #15
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Hi Linda, I hope things go well at your appointment today. Let us know if you'd like and have time. Thinking of you.

Nancy
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Unread 01-04-2011, 01:50 AM   #16
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Linda,
On my road to addiction I started out with marijuana. Then, I dipped my hands into "xanax bars" and Klonopin. Eventually, I go to oxys, percs, vics whatever I could get my hands on and that was my true "love". But guess what? Now that I'm on Suboxone.. I still deal with my anxiety issues and I am prescribed Klonopin and I DO NOT abuse this medication. Of course, benzo's are known as an addictive drug so I don't want to lead you into thinking it's not a possibility.

What about BuSpar or Neurontin (Gabapentin)? BuSpar takes a few weeks to work and Neurontin is a anti-convulsant used for anxiety. They are not addictive (so my pdoc tells me). My pdoc was just talking to me about these options but I'm good at where I'm at. No problems.

I think you should address this issue because drinking it away sure isn't going to help. I am worried about you. Your doctor knows you have an addictive past so if you do chose a benzo, hopefully he will be monitoring your treatment.

I am the same way. Routine is a very big thing for me. I hate change and when it happens I sink into a hole for a while. I just wish I could change some of my ways but it is just so hard.

Wish you the best,
Danielle
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Unread 01-04-2011, 02:37 AM   #17
lindamine
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hello everyone.....
really so tiered to respond how i want....
just wanted to touch base...
went to pdoc....all is out...

my son has a very big court date tomorrow....I think i mentioned all this...
can't remember anymore...and so wiped, not going to look it up...

I will correct myself with that part tomorrow....
Anyhow.....very tough tonight....very hard day tomorrow....
I will not be attending....as i have taken off 4 months of work this year, due to all my little "maental" issues......
don't have the guts to ask for this......don't have the guts to be there either.

His dad is going to take him........

I don't feel welll.......just want to curl under a rock....

thanks so much for all your care....it is priceless...

miss survivor....thank you......yes, been on both those other meds...no luck...

pdoc is adamant, this is the only way we can "break the chaos" inside me, and do some work.......and all in all.....i know the benzos are ok with me......Hate them..not the type of high i ever looked for.....never liked weed for the same reason, regaurdless....i am having him keep hold....he is minutes away...and 5 days at a time, should be fine...

I hate to admit it.....been about a week of following his RX, as far as timing and dose...

i would only take a nibble of 1mg....only if absolutley needed......
he wants me to stay ahead of it at this time and continue low, steady dose...
this is hard for me...i fight this one...

but i am so broken...such a mess.....just need to listen.

promise i will get back tomorrow about other stuff.....he was not surprised.
shrugged shoulders and said ok....so now let's see what led you there.

more to come......gotta go to sleep.....don't want to....but so tiered...how weird is that?

Discipline---oh that's right, if i had that, i would not be here.


thanks all

xxoo (((((((()))))))))-hugsss
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Unread 01-04-2011, 08:16 AM   #18
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Hi Linda, good luck to your son today.

I'm glad you got everything out in the open with your doctor. Hopefully it will make things a little better now in the direction that the two of you will go in your treatment. Just give the benzo a chance as he's prescribed it. Be honest with him if you ever get the urge to take more and if you think it's not helping you.

Thinking of you. I hope you slept.

Nancy
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Unread 01-06-2011, 03:29 PM   #19
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IMO....to be able to fully get help with your drinking habit you are currently wanting freedom from.....I think you should be honest as you have been here....and tell your current pdoc. He/She can't help you unless they know what is going on. If you are seeing a pdoc for help, then why wouldn't you want them to know so that they can professionally address this and be a huge support system for you? I know....shame. But if you truly want to get over this hump, I think honesty is the best way to go, and start with being honest with your pdoc so that they can start asap with guiding you in the right direction.

I know you can do this, you've gone through worse in the past as you've said....and this is just another chapter that you need to work on, and work on as soon as possible before it gets even more out of hand.
I totally get your feelings of anxiety and panic....and about opening up about this, but if you like your pdoc and they've helped you in the past with other issues, then give them the ability to help you trhough this as well. I think thats the first step. Then its all on the table, which will feel good to get out....yes youll feel bad for admitting it Im sure, but afterwards, you know you'll feel better having it all out there.....because than at that point...you will be forced to start working on the recovery of it. You need help...let your pdoc help you with this!!!!
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Unread 01-08-2011, 10:51 AM   #20
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Hi, just checking in to see how you are doing. Thanks for the nice compliment! If there is any way I can help another person, I will be glad to do it. I hate to see anyone struggling with this disease. Best wishes to you!
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Unread 01-10-2011, 07:19 AM   #21
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Hi Linda, also checking in to see how you're doing. Please let us know when you have a minute.

Nancy
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Unread 01-10-2011, 08:16 AM   #22
lindamine
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Hi every one....
finally back. My son's court went ok....all they did was have reports read to the judge that he is doing both prgrams he has been sent to....TASC-no idea what that means.....something like an early stage probation officer...and also a drug program.....which unfortunatly is a joke because it is the one mandated for him to attend.....alot of people in there that are only going because of court....
The rports were all very good and they are quite happy wth him when he attends these.

Actually he asked if he could stay in the program when it finishes......will try and talk him into another place-but if not...this is better than nothing and it's great he wants to continue being sober.....for him, it was weed that he lived on 24/7...

As for me, i am plugging along.....feeling horrible...no med change has helped yet...bt they take time...my panic and anciety at this point pretty much rule me....

It's strange, i think....the only place i can go to and get out the door for, is to go to work.....i came so close to not going back last year....right up until the date i was to go back, i was convinced i couldn't and pdoc and i had begun preparing me for applying for disability.....not where i wanted to go....he even came to walk me in the door my first day...just for support......
anyhow...i did it...and now this is my only place of solace..where i feel any worth...my panic is not around...just the anxiety...two different things for me....
and on weekend...i can't leave my house...my mood is at it's worst....the rapid cycling is very rapid....during work week the cycles slow down...

anyhow, i am plugging along....have not been perfect with the drink part....i know, very bad of me....but it is not "for the gusto" to disappear anymore......it has just been 1 drink about 3 different times last week....which is way better...pdoc knows...naturally, he would rather i didn't, reminding me, i am self medicating and to please leave that part to him.....
Yes, i am trying to listen.....just sometimes, my nerves are sooooo bad....he wants me to up my xanax.....up to 5 or six a day.....when i argue this....he showed me how the PDR says you can go up to 10......but in taking them, i must be on a steady schedule of them and no more "as needed"...he just wants me to take steady until i get under control...and if i don't do it this way...i'll end up in withdrawls....benzo's are that addictive...even seizure possible.....
i am not fond of this decission....he said i wlll eventually be weened of them...but i still think this is insane....but will try 1 week of it......he ssays he has a few patients he has to treat this way and it is going very well, and just recently one of them got off, no problem, done slowly and gradually.
Cross my fingers..

So nice of you guys to check in.....yes, i did read right away....but it's very hard lately, responding....depression is still here...and desire for things at an all time low....i think i may be starting to feel a bit better with it....but i trust nothing, as in the past, it works for about 1 week, then i "break" again....pdoc says i really have him earning his money with me....has never had to go through this much with someone....so med resistant.....talk of ECT has just come up....but he says he considers this only in the tail end...hates to see this happen...as you become dependant on this too and can do so much damage to memeory....which is a shame...cause it absolutely snaps you out of it.

ECT, is now on the plate........never thought i'd be at this point...we will wait quite a bit of time before we go there...give meds more chance...has many more for me to try.

So, in a pretty big nutshell, that is how i am
thank you all for listening and responding....i knwo i am not doing things perfectly.....

bad time of it with hubby....he is sick of always having to be the one to go to court (don't blame him)....and is totally frustrated with me and my "moods" and depression...says everybody has this...jsut deal with it....but i don't believe everybody has this to this degree....however....he is loosing patience and no sympathy or help for me.....
Better off managing this on my own.

that'ss all for now.
Linda
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Unread 01-10-2011, 05:50 PM   #23
NancyB
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Hi Linda, that's really good that your son wants to stay in the program. It sounds like he's dedicated to his recovery, which is great.

I'm sorry that you're not doing better though. Hopefully with a little time the med change will begin to take a positive effect. I'm glad you opened up to him about the drinking and that you've cut way, way back. That's also good to keep an open mind with the xanax and give it a week to see if you notice a difference. Then you'll know for sure and can either continue as your pdoc advises.

Don't worry about not responding if you're not up to it, ok? No pressure from here, we just wanted you to know you were in our thoughts.

I'm also glad that you will wait quite a while before the ECT. Do all the research you can, maybe even see if you can speak directly with some patients who had it done to see how they're doing?

I feel badly that your husband isn't more supportive of you. It's a real thing and 'just deal with it' doesn't work. You're getting help, you're looking for answers. Yes, it's taking longer than you had hoped for, but you and your pdoc are doing the best you can.

I hope that something works for you soon. I don't like seeing you suffer so tremendously.

Thinking of you.

Nancy
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