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Unread 12-13-2009, 09:53 PM   #101
Kam123
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Hi Saint,

Relationship is two edge sword. I am glad to see you have appreciation for the relationship. I do not know how old your daughter is. It is many times common to see kids become either casualty of the relationship or are used in the relationship. Time is a biggest healer of the pain. While time is healing your wounds, find activities you enjoy most. Keep yourself busy.

Keep your spirit high and better days are ahead for you.

Kam
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Unread 12-13-2009, 10:55 PM   #102
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Kam,

Thank you for your time and words of advice.

I like to think of a healthy relationship as two people secure enough with themselves to be able to appreciate the differences in the other. To think of the differences not as flaws but as a complement of one to the other. The abilty to give and receive. One is strong when one needs support. The ying & yang so to speak. Apart each is strong, together they are made whole.

Thanks again
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Unread 12-14-2009, 03:30 PM   #103
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Carly,

Hi, I'm doing O.K. Thank you for asking - I appreciate the sentiment. Last week was tough. I walked around with a knot of grief lodged in my throat. It's hard to think that everything we both worked so hard for has been for naught. We have lived together longer than we have been apart so there is a sense of loss there also. And then there is our daughter. How will she handle this, how much pain will she endure? I married with the intention of staying married, working through whatever problems arose. Somewhere along the way alcohol became my means to cope with life’s issues. I had hoped to start anew while sober. With that said each day is better than the last. I accept my wife’s decision and believe that the future will be bright for all concerned.

We talked at length last night and while she claims to still want a divorce I can’t help but wonder if it is really what she wants. She says she loves me, can’t imagine me with someone else, there’s no rush to move out, etc. She seems conflicted from my perspective but I am far from unbiased. She’s not happy with herself as a person and I worry she is pushing everyone away in her life that cares for her. She talked with a therapist last week and will be for the forseeable future so I hope she finds some relief. She feels extreme guilt that she drove me to drink despite my assurances otherwise. Her therapist is aware of my alcoholism so I hope my wife can come to understand in time she is not to blame for my drinking.

While divorce is the path we appear to be taking I remain hopeful there is a chance to salvage our marriage. I remain cautiously optimistic in spite of everything. Should divorce be our destiny I can honestly accept that fate also. I live with the awareness that is the most probable outcome.

Carly, thanks for the holiday greetings. While I realize this is a tough time of year for you please take solace in the knowledge I and others wish you and your family the best during the holiday season. Children do make the Holidays special don’t they? The joy in their smile and the twinkle in their eye, the laughter - brings joy and love to the heart.

Warmest regards
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Unread 12-14-2009, 04:31 PM   #104
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Hi Frank, how are you?

No, I'm not annoyed with anything you posted. I apologize for giving that impression. I find the frankness(no pun intended) of your posts refreshing, and at times amusing to me. When you posted about getting "dumped" I chuckled at your Frankness(pun intended). You were "killing me" by being open and to the point(frank). If your name was Fred this would be a helluva lot easier and less confusing to explain!

So what have you been up to?

Regards
Hi Saint,

Glag to hear I haven't annoyed you. I didn't think so, but had to ask to make sure.

Thanks for asking about me. I'm not drinking as of lately, and my problems are lite weight compared to what you are going through.

Sorry for being so abrupt about the dumpy-dumper thing. Finesse if is not exactly my forte, and yes I amaze myself at times. Bad enough you feel like crapola, and I have to add to it. Didn't mean to at all.

Carly's advice makes a lot of sense, just don't know if I could do it right now in you're shoes. Nobody really knows exactly what you're going through unless they are going through it themselves. Hope things work out Saint.

Frank
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Unread 12-14-2009, 05:09 PM   #105
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Frank,

Don't worry about the dumpee - dumper thing, I'm not.

How's the Mother-in-law doing?

I am glad to hear you're not drinking - keep at it.


Regards
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Unread 12-14-2009, 10:39 PM   #106
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I have run across several people in recovery & while they drank there was no serious mention of a break up. Once they were sober they were hit with the threat of a break up. Some did break up others worked it out. In sobriety we grow & change. Somethimes the mate finds this a threat & makes harsh decisions with out thinking it through.

Saint I see a glimmer of hope with your family situation.
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Unread 12-14-2009, 11:31 PM   #107
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Lee,

Hi - those are certainly valid points you make and I can understand how they occur.

I wonder if the dynamics in our marriage were actually the opposite of what you stated. My memory is poor regarding the timeline of her distancing herself from our relationship and the actual start of my sobriety but I think I noticed, actually I'm pretty sure now that she started distancing herself further from the things she used to enjoy prior to the time I stopped drinking. I know I stopped drinking because I was sick and tired of the insanity of the whole drinking cycle but I think now I was picking up those non verbal clues of a relationship on the brink and perhaps that was the spark I needed to push me to sobriety.

With that said I still see a glimmer of hope we can work things out. If not I am prepared for that also. Regardless of what happens to our marriage I think good will come out of this situation my wife and I find ourselves in. Should the divorce happen it is our daughters happiness that concerns us both the most.

Lee, thank you.

Regards




P.S. This is totally unrelated and I mean no disrespect whatsoever but I was curious - Do you play Santa?

Happy Holidays
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Unread 12-15-2009, 04:11 PM   #108
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Hi Saint,
Thank you for being so open and sharing, I did not intend to know what you are going through.... it pains me to hear of any marriage ending, especially yours, because I get the sense from you that you are such a good, intelligent, insightful, person. I guess that it why I was searching for something,,, positive to say as I had gotten the impression that you were getting used to the decision. Maybe it was the initial shock ?
But you are feeling pain and loss, rightly so as you posted all that you built together, shared together, you have been with her for so long.
I do hope that The proverbial - it aint over till it's over will apply. I know you read over on the family/friends forum, maybe revisit some of those posts, maybe something will reveal itself by way of their sharing what they feel, go through.

I understand where Rlee is coming from, in AA , even some treatment centers strongly advise not to make any life changing decisions for at least a year into a person's sobriety. I think the logic behind is that it is a time of change, and if a couple has been together for a considerable time, they need this time to adjust to the changes. And, I have seen the spouse resent the new life, because they have in the past been possibly used to the status quo, an enabler or other role. Sometimes they resent the time spent in meetings. It can be a strange dynamic but one that I have witnessed come full circle with time.

I am glad that you do have Hope, you never know and you also mentioned that no one knew of your drinking, so that could have been a burden on her? But who is to say she will not change her mind as you both go through this transition and evolve?

Hang in there Saint, sending good thoughts your way, take care, Carly : )

P.S. Thank you for kind words about the holidays, they are greatly appreciated, and my son is so over the moon with excitement, I cannot help but be excited too !
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Unread 12-15-2009, 05:48 PM   #109
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Carly,

Do not doubt yourself. I appreciate your intensions and the sentiment behind them. Thank you for that.

I see our marriage as stuck in limbo until such time as papers are signed etc. Even then I would hold out hope that perhaps, in time, our relationship would come full circle. I am also a realist and understand this is unlikely to happen but there is always hope. I do not lean on hope as a crutch to cope, just a hope that everyone can be made whole and the family remain intact.

I have made piece with myself and will accept whatever fate is mine.

I smile when I hear how excited your child is. The joy of children make everything special.

Take care Carly,

Saint
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Unread 12-15-2009, 10:07 PM   #110
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Saint, It is great to be sober this time of day. You canot disrespect me sir you are a miracle. No I have never played Santa. I used to hate the holidays because I was so wrapped up in my selfish ways. I'm now working on that. Every holiday gets better because it is not about me.

Last edited by R. Lee; 12-15-2009 at 10:17 PM..
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Unread 12-15-2009, 10:18 PM   #111
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Lee,

I think you would make a great Santa.

Peace
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Unread 12-16-2009, 02:47 PM   #112
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Lee,

We are all miracles - drinking or not.

When one stops thinking of me, me, me one begins to feel compassion and humanity towards others and realize that yes, we all are miracles.

Regards
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Unread 12-20-2009, 11:57 AM   #113
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Frank,

Don't worry about the dumpee - dumper thing, I'm not.

How's the Mother-in-law doing?

I am glad to hear you're not drinking - keep at it.


Regards
Hi Saint,

Glad to hear your not worried about the dumpee thing. Mom in law is staying with us through at least new years, and thanks for asking. Hope things are at least a little better for you.

Frank
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Unread 12-22-2009, 10:16 PM   #114
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Frank,

Hi - You sound well and I hope you're mother in law is on the mend also?

I had a couple of bad days last week. Just starting to feel a little better now. I saw a counselor last week for the first time regarding my drinking. That went pretty well. I was actually looking forward to talking to somebody one on one about my alcoholism. I promised myself I would do my best and be as open and honest as possible. She is a licensed master alcohol drug counselor (LMADC), easy to talk to and appears to be a grizzled veteran. If first impressions are any indication I think she will be good for me. She also determined I was depressed so off to my Primary care physician for some meds the next day.

I've been seeing my PCP for several years and I never truly mentioned how much a drank until last week. Of course that means I had lied to him and admitting that to him was tough. He was great about everything, told me he would help anyway he could. Explained how the antidepressants would work, take 4-6 weeks to take effect and if no change to come back and he would increase the dose. He was great - couldn't ask for a nicer person or DR.

After I left his office and headed toward my vehicle I just about broke down. I was just overcome with emotion. Big time depression after that. I was like a black hole of negative thoughts for a couple of days.

The good news is I'm feeling better, not great, but feeling better. Despite what's going on with the marriage the wife has been very supportive with everything I've been going through. Divorce is still a go but she has been there for me, for that I'm thankful!

Enough about me. What'd you get me for Christmas??

Seriously - How have you been Frank? What have you been up to?

If I don't hear from you have a Merry Christmas.


Peace
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Unread 12-22-2009, 11:20 PM   #115
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I'm so glad to be sober this time of day!

Saint, Thanks for sharing what you had inside you. We cannot be secrets.

Being untruthful to a doctor about our drinking is no big deal while we are drinking. Doctors say that patients when asked how much they drank only admit to about half the amount they realy drink. I always put down the truth & all the doctors just ignored it even when they were prescribing medications you were not to take with alclhol. It took a Indian proctologist to question the amount alcohol I admitted to drinking.(funny an as-hole doctor treating a as-hole figured out I drank too much) I let this doctor know that he helped me start thinking about my drinking after 2 years of soberiety.

Depression I'm treated for it with several medications. I take them as prescribed never thinking of abusing them.

Good luck through the holidays. You help keep me sober.
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Unread 12-23-2009, 10:57 PM   #116
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Dear Saint,

I have to admit my eyes about bugged out their sockets when I read you saw the counselor, but in a good way ( there was a time when you were not interested in counseling , I thought like never , ever ) - You have been going this alone for quite a while and I was relieved when you said that she was easy to talk to and may be good for you - I am thinking to myself yes, yes ! This is good news.
Just a thought, maybe you were emotional because you were able to speak to someone face to face and unload a lot of heavy stuff you have been carrying around ? Verbalizing emotions, thoughts . fears can be quite powerful, imo. I have left many sessions in tears but more of a cleansing type of feeling, letting go, maybe.
I am just so glad you are feeling better and hope that it works out with the LMADC. ADs take a few weeks to start working - but can make a world of difference, it will be interesting to see how you feel in a month or 2. Not saying it will solve everything, but perhaps you will feel better in general , like a buffer of sorts.

What plans do you all have for the holidays ? Is your daughter enjoying her school break ? We will be home,I have a dear friend in the hospital from a car crash last week. Son is counting down the days until Santa - today he and his BF and I all baked cookies and other yummie treats. Then had to take them outside to run around and get the sugar rush out of them ; )

Keep us updated when you can... again, glad you are feeling better, take care and just in case I miss you- Wishing you a happy holiday !
Carly : D
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Unread 12-24-2009, 06:09 AM   #117
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Just a quick post to all:

You all are in my thoughts. I truly wish each and every one a joyous Holiday season!

Stay safe

Peace
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Unread 12-24-2009, 03:33 PM   #118
R. Lee
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Quote:
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Just a quick post to all:

You all are in my thoughts. I truly wish each and every one a joyous Holiday season!

Stay safe

Peace
Same to you Saint!!
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Unread 12-24-2009, 05:00 PM   #119
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Frank,

Hi - You sound well and I hope you're mother in law is on the mend also?

I had a couple of bad days last week. Just starting to feel a little better now. I saw a counselor last week for the first time regarding my drinking. That went pretty well. I was actually looking forward to talking to somebody one on one about my alcoholism. I promised myself I would do my best and be as open and honest as possible. She is a licensed master alcohol drug counselor (LMADC), easy to talk to and appears to be a grizzled veteran. If first impressions are any indication I think she will be good for me. She also determined I was depressed so off to my Primary care physician for some meds the next day.

I've been seeing my PCP for several years and I never truly mentioned how much a drank until last week. Of course that means I had lied to him and admitting that to him was tough. He was great about everything, told me he would help anyway he could. Explained how the antidepressants would work, take 4-6 weeks to take effect and if no change to come back and he would increase the dose. He was great - couldn't ask for a nicer person or DR.

After I left his office and headed toward my vehicle I just about broke down. I was just overcome with emotion. Big time depression after that. I was like a black hole of negative thoughts for a couple of days.

The good news is I'm feeling better, not great, but feeling better. Despite what's going on with the marriage the wife has been very supportive with everything I've been going through. Divorce is still a go but she has been there for me, for that I'm thankful!

Enough about me. What'd you get me for Christmas??

Seriously - How have you been Frank? What have you been up to?

If I don't hear from you have a Merry Christmas.


Peace
Hi Saint,

Very glad to hear that it seems things are getting better. Sorry about the depression! Not a good thing to have at all! My wife does, and it's real hard on her to say the least!

Hope the meds help. Glad to hear you are getting help. Your doing what what i'm not, and after reading your thread, it seems to be kicking me in the a**. Very glad your doing better! Merry Xmas Saint. Hope everybody has a good Xmas.

Frank
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Unread 12-25-2009, 11:41 PM   #120
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Dear Frank,
I posted to you in Saint's thread. Hope you and family had a Merry Xmas ! Take Care, Carly : )
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Unread 12-28-2009, 12:04 AM   #121
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Hi Saint,
Just checking on you and hoping all is going as well as they possibly can. You have helped so many people here, remember we are here for you if you need anything.
Take Care, Carly : )
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Unread 12-29-2009, 12:53 AM   #122
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Carly,

Thanks for checking on me - I'm on the mend as they say. And what of yourself and your family? I can only imagine your little one was overjoyed with Christmas. I hope you took plenty of pictures - you will be amazed how fast he grows!!

I've been feeling better as each day goes by. I like to think I've turned the corner on this depression thing. My daughter is actually on school vacation this week. A friend of hers slept over the house on Saturday, we went to the movies today and saw 'Blindside' with Sandra Bullock (great family movie!!), going ice skating tomorrow with the daughter and another of her friends, another friend is coming over on Wednesday.... so I'll be busy to say the least.

Today was a good day.


I enjoyed your post, re: eyes bugging out of your head. It takes me a little while to warm up to things sometimes but once I commit myself I like to make it count. I hardly ask anybody for help but I will ask of you - what can I do to make my time with my counselor(mind bender) count the most? Please bear in mind I am a conversationalist minimalist.


Peace
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Unread 12-29-2009, 05:01 PM   #123
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Saint, It is good to have you around again, only if it was a few days away.
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Unread 12-29-2009, 10:58 PM   #124
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Dear Saint,
So glad you had a good day yesterday, sounds like your daughter is having a great time, and yes, I do want to see that movie, The Blind Side, everyone has said it such a good feel good movie. We can all use some that.

I think giving the combo of talking to someone and the ADs a try and see how you feel. A good counselor is adept at drawing out even the most reticent or quiet clients. Even reading Non- Verbal signs - body language etc.. can tell her a lot about where you are. Not that they have ESP, but many people start off the process not sure what to say, so there are various ice breakers and assessment tools that they utilize. It takes time to build rapport.
Also, when some people start counseling, they are either in crisis , depressed or both, that needs to be addressed first. After the initial stabilization/ getting to know each other phase, IMO - The most important thing, is to set goals, make a plan of action on attaining the goals and reviewing your progress, i.e. what needs to be tweaked, adjusted. That way after a while you have a sense of accomplishment and that you have tools a.k.a. coping skills, even new ways of approaching an issue. To me that is success. Hope that helps : )

Yes, Xmas has been great with my son, I cracked up watching him play Wii boxing last night, , he was like a tornado, hands and feet moving at a feverish pace, simultaneously. I started rapping the old Muhammad Ali song "Floats Like a Butterfly, Stings Like Bee " - he got annoyed because i was laughing at him, but I couldn't help myself. I really was against Video games, but have to say- he has not been obsessed with it, he will play for a while and move on to something outside.

In the past 2 weeks a dear friend, age 75,was in a serious car accident and yesterday a family member of my husb. lost their battle with cancer. It has been hectic, but also trying to focus on the positive and good things.
My dear friend, has some fight in her yet, and is hopefully, turning the corner.
I am still learning to accept that these things happen in life, try to be part of the solution /help when I can, and as they say :
"don't sweat the small stuff. "

May you and your your daughter enjoy the school break, hope today was a good one as well. Hang in there and still glad you are testing the counseling waters. Take care Saint, Carly
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Unread 12-30-2009, 12:11 AM   #125
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Carly,

Thanks for the counseling advice - it all makes perfect sense. My counselor's been working at getting me involved in.... well anything that would make me feel better. I'm feeling it won't be an issue soon.

I hear you about the video games. My daughter also has a Wii but she doesn't spend to much time with it. The three of us, wife, daughter and I were playing Mario cart and the wife was crashing, in last place but my daughter was urging her on. OOh you're doing good Mom, nice job etc. as she's crashing all over the place. I had a smile from ear to ear. She was doing a great job coaching her mother!!!

I'm sorry to hear about your friend and family member. Life happens whether we are ready for it or not and grief is a part of living. A friend of mine's son died in a car accident during summer vacation after he graduated high school. His mother stood and talked about her son at the funeral. I marveled, and still marvel at her strength, composure, and love for her son. To be able to honor his life in such a dignified manner.

Live for today but plan for tomorrow.

Your one of the good one's Carly.

P.S.
My wife left a message for you and the others on the friends and family forum

Peace
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Unread 12-31-2009, 12:17 PM   #126
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Carly,

Re: 'eyes bugging out of your head'.

I wish you hadn't said that. I've got a visual of Lucille Ball(have you heard of her) sitting in front of a computer monitor, apron on, hair poofed out, cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth, eyes bugged out of her head yelling "Rickey get over here and take a look at this''.

Please tell me I'm wrong !!!

Saint
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Unread 12-31-2009, 11:48 PM   #127
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LOL ! YEP YOU GOT IT ! I DO LOVE LUCY !!

Nah It was more of a wha .. what did I just see ?? I grabbed my reading glasses, I was happy for you- proud that you took such a step that you were not too jazzed about. That is progress !

Happy New Year ! Carly : )
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Unread 01-07-2010, 12:32 PM   #128
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Hi Saint,
It has been a while, how are you doing ? Is your daughter's break over ? I hope you all had a great New Year. I always find the lull after the holidays a relief but also a weird limbo time.
Have you had any appointments lately, I hope that is going well.
Ok, just checking in with you.
Take care, Carly
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Unread 01-11-2010, 12:48 AM   #129
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Carly,

Hi, thanks for checking on me. I'm doing O.k. Some bad days, some good days, some just O.K. days. The bad days seem to be occurring less frequently so that is promising. The whole divorce procedure is moving forward, slowly, but moving forward none-the-less. We have not told the daughter as of yet. I suppose there is never a 'right' time to tell a child their parents are divorcing. I just need to be in the right place for myself mentally before we break the news to her. Be able to be strong for her when the time comes. I struggled for a couple of days thinking how I would be missing out on some of the little things, the things I never imagined would happen. The little things like still tucking her to bed at night, kissing her on the forehead before I leave for work in the morning while she sleeps. Those things tug at my heart and hurt.

It will be a difficult transition for all involved but our goal is for my wife and I to both help our daughter adjust and deal with her feelings as best we can. It's painful for me to think about our family unit dissolving so I can only imagine the pain she will feel. My wife and I have pledged to each other we will do what is in the best interests for our daughter and so far we have been true to that pledge. My wife and I will be meeting with a marital mediator in the near future to assist us with the divorce, transfer of property etc. Life will go on whether we want it to or not! I believe things will work out the best for all involved in time. That is my goal and desire.

My daughter had a great vacation but is back in school. They have a learn to ski program at her school and she went for the first time this past Friday. She was 'psyched', and can't wait to go again this week. I'm gonna have to break out my skis and dust 'em off!!

I haven't been big on the New year's holiday for a long time. I can take it or leave it - just another day as far as I'm concerned, another day off that is!!!

The 'mind bending' sessions have been going well. I actually look forward to them which is something I never would have guessed so that is a good sign. She tells me I should be proud I haven't had a drink but I'm not. I'm happy I'm sober but there is no joy in the fact, no reason to celebrate, if that sentence makes any sense. It's hard to feel good about being sober while my wife and I are busy dissolving our marriage.

Things are moving forward, I can see light at the end of the tunnel, and I believe the sun is shining on the other side. I feel good about the future.

'nuff about me. What's going on in your corner of the world? How's your friend doing that was in the hospital? Do tell.......


Peace
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Unread 01-11-2010, 09:57 PM   #130
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Dear Saint,
Good to hear from you and glad that your days are improving : )

I am wondering if the blase emotions surrounding not drinking is that when you initially stopped, while it was for you, maybe you thought it would have resoundingly positive impact on all areas in your life, but now you are facing some of the toughest life changes one can experience.. IMO it makes sense that you feel like OK I stopped drinking, now what ? That is where the "mind bender" can help you, maybe make a list of goals, something to work towards. And it just occurred to me that perhaps you are grieving the loss of your marriage ? Just some thoughts I had.
I still go back to .... if you were still drinking, it would be a mess, alcohol tends to compound our issues ten fold, so your efforts are not in vain !

Yes, I agree there is never the perfect time to tell your child .Ideally, I think as long as she knows you both love her and will be a consistent part of her life, it will work out but I know it is painful, like you said the little things you will miss. It is sad, and I am sure that has an effect on your overall feelings, but you are working through it, in the end that is all we can do. So - hang in there !

Hmm moi ? Things are calming down and thanks for asking, my friend has some fight in her yet ! She is making a slow steady recovery, as she is in her 70s, so it was touch and go at first.
I look back at the holidays and WHEW! My head was spinning for a while, but I took a deep breath and focused on the things I could do, not the things I was powerless over.

Thank you for sharing, hope you have good week. Take care, Carly
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Unread 01-11-2010, 11:11 PM   #131
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Saint, Good job. You have a plan on how to deal with your daughter. It is good you both are working to make the transition as easy on her as you can.

Be proud of your sobriety. Things would not work out well with you being a drunk through all this. Learn to love & forgive yourself. You are a good man & you help me stay sober.

I'm taking my bike in a utility tralier to FL starting on Wed. 1,500 miles to my son's near Daytona. My better half is staying home. So I will make it a 3 or 4 day trip as I will be driving alone. I want to catch some of the Rolex 24 hour race. My daughter is flying down with my 23 month old grandaughter on the 21st. My son has 2 daughters. 1 will be 2 yrs old this month & a 4 year old. I can't wait to see them & spoil each of them.

I will check in when I can. I will be gone at least a month.
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Unread 01-15-2010, 12:52 AM   #132
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Carly,

I'm glad to hear your friend is on the mend. She's fortunate to have a good friend such as yourself to help brighten her day.

My Grandmother's 90th birthday is Saturday. Can you imagine. She would often tell us how she grew up. How the milkman would come every morning, how blocks of ice were delivered for the 'iceboxes' once a week. Baths for the kids were once a week. Her mother would heat up water on the stove, the oldest took the first bath, the youngest in last. Same bath water. She'd tell us she didn't have much growing up but they were happy. She went camping for her honeymoon - big hurricane came through. She was terrified!!!! It's certainly easy to take our present day living conditions for granted.

You are certainly spot on as you say about grieving for the loss of my marriage. I certainly had hoped there would be brighter days for my marriage and our family in my sobriety. It's hard reconciling the dreams and future I imagined in my thoughts with the cold hard truth that today brings. It's been an emotional roller coaster for both my wife and I even though we are parting amicably. There is no hate or ill will towards one another - just pain,and as is the case, grief over what might have been and what once was. Yes, even addicts have dreams, hopes and desires for a better tomorrow. I strayed from the path leading to happiness. Fortunately I'm back on.


There will be brighter days once the storm passes.

Take care Carly. And once again,thank you for your insight.

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Unread 01-15-2010, 12:56 AM   #133
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Lee,

Yes, I want what you have. And I speak not of your toys but of the peace and happiness you have found in sobriety.

Lee - You help me stay sober.

Thank you,
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Unread 01-21-2010, 01:32 PM   #134
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Hi Saint,

I have seen you post to others, wondering how you are doing ?

How was Grandmother's b-day ? 90 wow !!!I love stories about how life was back then. During the depression, my Dad came home from Military school, climbed into his bed, only to find someone in it ! My grandparents had rented out rooms for a nickel a night ! That puts some perspective on things, for sure !

I hope this is a good week for you. Take care, Carly : )
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Unread 01-21-2010, 02:25 PM   #135
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Carly,

I'm doing well, thanks for inquiring. And Yourself? I worry about you when you when you don't post for a while!

90 years, I can't imagine... She certainly as seen a lot change over the years. I too always liked to hear her tell stories of when she grew up. She recalled a flood in the early 30's where livestock and even houses were seen floating by. She'd recall how streets that are now busy thorough fares were once dirt roads that the farmers would travel on to bring their products to the market. Yes, all the things we currently take for granted that make our lives easier, but not necessarily better IMO. You can have all the material things the world has to offer but it won't necessarily make you happy. I try to pass that message on to my daughter every now and then without trying to sound like I'm preaching to her!!

So my wife and I told our daughter we are getting a divorce. She snuck up on me the other night and saw me on a child support website. She questioned my wife and I about so we broke the news to her. We hadn't planned on telling her until a later date but it seemed to be the right time for everyone. She took the news much better than either of us had anticipated. She had some questions, seemed satisfied with the answers and said it would be 'weird' but she would be o.k. with it. She mentioned she didn't think it was fair that one of her friends was forced to stay at her father's on weekends but I assured her she wouldn't be forced to go back and forth between households. She was also adamant that she would never call anybody else 'Mommy' or 'Daddy'. We stressed to her that mom and dad were getting divorced and she was not the cause. Stressed that we each still love her very much and always will. We also
told her we still expected her to try her hardest in school, behave well etc. We told her it was okay to feel mad, or sad and she could always talk to us about how she's feeling. She e-mailed two of her friends this morning about the divorce and she planned on telling two other friends at school so she has her friends to talk with. We'll keep a close eye on her but overall I was shocked at how she took the new initially. We'll see what the future brings. She did break down a little when I tucked her into bed... she said I wouldn't be doing that anymore. She woke up in a good mood, said she slept well and I believe her. Go figure!! She has our love for her and she knows that will not go away.

Well I've got to go - off to pick her up at school. Take care Carly.

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Unread 01-22-2010, 11:02 AM   #136
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Well it's been a roller coaster of emotion for me the last few days. We told our daughter about the divorce and she's been handling it rather well overall. I was actually enthused over how well she took the initial news. We had so expected the opposite and were literally shocked when she took it so well.

Today I awaken with a feeling of loss, the feeling that I am divorced from my family emotionally. My wife and I have helped each other through the worst of it emotionally and now that my daughter appears to be handling the situation OK there's a sense of not being needed, that my job as a husband has been completed. I realize my daughter needs her father and I will be there for her, I feel the loss of not always being there for her - not being as accessible physically going forward as I am today.

Well it's a beautiful day outside and I'm going to meet my daughter and her school mates on the slopes for an afternoon of skiing!!!!!

Break a leg!!!!

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Unread 01-22-2010, 03:16 PM   #137
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Dear Saint,
Wow, your daughter seems so grounded, I am sad that she now knows and it is final, though I am relieved she is handling it as well as she is. I suppose it a comfort that you and your wife are being so kind to each other, such a rarity these days- but you both see the bigger picture, so wise imo.

Maybe your feelings of detachment are a coping mechanism kicking in? I will not go off the grid and say emotional pain is "your friend," but rather an inevitably - pain, heartache - we face and will lessen as time passes.

YES Saint you daughter does and will always need you !
Just food for thought, you know how many parents are physically in the household but completely detached from their children ??... lots.
I know it will be a transition but you have such a great foundation, you are already making the best of this. She certainly sounds like she knows what she does and does not want, smart girl : )

Well, enjoy the slopes !
Take care, Carly
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Last edited by CarlyO; 01-22-2010 at 03:19 PM..
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Unread 01-23-2010, 12:06 AM   #138
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Carly,

Yes, our daughter is very well grounded. She's also quite a daredevil on the slopes. 3rd time skiing and she wants to do jumps!!!!

I also know she will be OK. How can I tell? We met in the ski lodge after her ski lesson. First words out of her mouth - Dad I need some money (for lunch). I inquired where she and her friends were sitting - Dad you're not sitting with us! I pretty sure she'll be O.k.

The weather was beautiful, not a cloud in the sky. The air was crisp and clean. It was a good day. The bonus - no broken bones!!!!

You can choose to ignore it but I do worry. Take care of yourself

Respectfully,
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Unread 01-23-2010, 10:57 PM   #139
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Saint, Hang in there. Divorce sucks. I had to do it 3 times to find that out. I still drank for 20 more years.

When we get sober we have to move on being the best parent we can be.

I'm in Daytona with my son who is 39. He drinks & smokes pot. He was bringing up issues last night about how he was raised in a divorced family. It hurt & I reacted to what he was saying instead of concidering he was messed up at the end of the day. (alcoholic thinking on my part) At times like this I want to get up race out of here. A half hour later he was hugging me & telling me how much he loved me.

I have choices today where I can stay around the drinking & pot or move on. Today I chose to stay here.

My daughter who is from my 2nd marriage flew down here with her 2 year old. I get support from her even though that marriage ended up in a divorce. She once had big issues with me & the divorce. We now have a good relationship. (notice not great)

I gave a lot away during my alcoholic life. That is behind me now. I do the best that I can. I'm human & can still make mistakes.

Best of luck.
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Unread 01-24-2010, 04:44 PM   #140
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Hi Saint, awww - she wouldn't let you sit with her LOL - oh my - teenage years, it will be here sooner than I would like.
My husb. parents divorced when he was 12, it was not traumatic, I have grilled him on it, tried to pry any deep seeded emotional pain, but he is like NO, honestly, it was fine, mainly because his parents always remained good friends.

Anyway, glad you all had a beautiful day on the slopes !

Hi Rlee,

Good to see a post from you ! I think anytime we have a history with addiction, we eventually have to face the wreckage of our past, especially with family. Some things resolve quicker than others.
I am guessing the alcohol is his truth serum so to speak ... Does he understand that you can't change what happened in the past? Have you made amends with him - i am sure you have.... if you think he is full of resentments, not moving forward, remind him that you want to live in the solution today, not in the past, you have to do this for your well being. Yes, he may have reasons to have issues, but to perpetually Harbor resentments, is not healthy for anyone.

I hope with time and through your actions your kids will realize that you are on a path that will lead to good things, better communication/relationships. Enjoy your time with them, especially with the grandkids !

Take care all, Carly : )
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Unread 01-25-2010, 09:54 PM   #141
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Lee,

Yes even under the best of circumstances divorce sucks. I had a tough weekend mentally after we told our daughter about the divorce. I thought I would be happy she took the news in stride but the happiness was short lived. I had a tough time mentally this weekend. I think it's because every milestone towards the completion of the divorce reopens some mental wounds not quite healed or completely accepted by myself.

Regarding your son; I was wondering if perhaps he still has mixed feelings towards you regarding the pain he experienced because of the divorce. He wants you to remember how much he was hurt and yet he also wants you to know he still loves you in spite of the pain he felt.

I see your daughter making the effort to spend time with you, also in spite of her pain. It seems you've been granted an opportunity the heal some wounds for all concerned and help move your relationships forward. Just some thoughts I had....

Respectfully,
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Unread 01-25-2010, 10:12 PM   #142
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Carly,

Your poor husband. What interrogation techniques did you use? Is he willing to take a lie detector test? Are you witholding anything unless he talks?? . Just kidding ...

It is my dream that our daughter be as unaffected by the divorce as your husband was. She and one of her friends are already planning how to decorate her new room in my new residence that I don't yet have. Our daughter told her cousin about the divorce this afternoon and the cousin started crying because she didn't think she would see me anymore.

Take care
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Unread 01-26-2010, 09:08 PM   #143
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Hi Saint,
It sounds like all of the family will soon know, I hope they are all as supportive as your wife is. I guess there will be lots of changes coming up soon..How are the mind bender visits going ?

Keep us posted when you can, hope all is well. Take care, Carly : )
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Unread 01-26-2010, 11:44 PM   #144
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Don't mean to intrude but thank you Saint, Carly, R Lee. I've read from page 3 on and I feel ther pain and regret, I also see new beginnings and hope. Soon I also hope to have hope and new beginnings. This year has to be the best yet for the last, however many, have been pretty aweful. Tania
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Unread 01-27-2010, 03:21 PM   #145
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Hi Tania,
I am glad you are reading these threads, keep reading as you will find that lives can and are changing. I used to believe that I was hopeless or wanted no part of life without something coursing through my system- boy was I wrong !
Please have faith that you will have MANY great years ahead of you.
Hang in there Tania, Carly : )


Laura's Thread :
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...t=20989&page=3
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Unread 01-28-2010, 11:11 PM   #146
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Carly,

The 'mind bender' visits are going well . I think of her as my therapist now that I can put a face to the profession. I've been seeing her every two weeks but my next appt. isn't for a month. She doesn't see me 'white knuckling' it (her words) and I really am not. I haven't had any compelling urges or compulsions to drink. I'm starting to get to the point where I'm feeling like I've accepted the divorce so I'm getting in a much better state mentally. I've actually had moments where I've felt at peace with myself and the world around me so that is definitely progress!

I'm also at the point in time where I believe this is the longest I've ever been sober since I started to drink. I never marked the date on a calendar when I stopped, probably because I wasn't sure I could make it, but mentally this was a milestone for me. There is a sense of accomplishment reaching that milestone so I'll take it and quietly enjoy it for a little while.

My regards to you and yours.

Peace
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Unread 01-29-2010, 08:38 PM   #147
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Hi Saint,
I understand the whole not marking the date on a calendar - Congrats all the same because it is MAJOR accomplishment one that you have worked very hard for. Continue being vigilante and you will do great ! : )

Hope you have a good weekend ! Take care, Carly
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Unread 01-30-2010, 11:07 AM   #148
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Continue to enjoy your accomplishment. You can do that by taking it one day at a time. You will continue to reap the benifts of you hard work & more will be revealed. Continued goog luck & hard work. You help me stay sober. The new commer will see that you have been able to do it so far & that may help them to try to live a sober life.
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Unread 02-06-2010, 04:29 PM   #149
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Hi Saint- just checking in with you, hope all is well.

Carly : )
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Unread 02-09-2010, 10:47 AM   #150
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Hi,

We filed divorce papers last Monday, I signed off the mortgage for the house so my wife could refinance the balance(she'll be staying in the house with our daughter), called my parents to tell them of the divorce, had lunch with them the next day and discussed the divorce and also talked about my alcohol problem.

So it was a busy week.

Prior to talking with my parents I had an ongoing debate with myself, weighing the pro's and con's of telling them about my alcohol problem. I imagined if my daughter was grown and had an issue with dependency I would want to know so I could help her as best I could. I rationalized that I, at this point in my recovery didn't need the support of my family. So I took the easy way out and decided I wouldn't tell them.

At lunch we discussed the status of the marriage, why the divorce, how come no marital counseling, etc. I gave them all the reasons with the exception of my drinking. So now my conscience is getting the better of me. I have that feeling that I'm not being totally honest with them, that there is something that still needs to be said but I haven't said it! The conversation was getting away from the divorce, I was contemplating now telling them about my drinking but the momentum and opportunity to tell them was slipping away. I was loosing courage and starting to feel uncomfortable about my with holding all the facts, with holding the truth, and by with holding lying to my parents and myself.

So I told them of my drinking.

As Paul Harvey used to say " And that's the rest of the story".

I'm doing O.K. Carly, thanks for asking. I'm glad I told them about my drinking, glad I was honest with them about it. It cleared the air and I now don't have anything to hide. It was also the right thing to do for my wife. So she didn't look like the bad guy in this, because she's not.

Take care
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