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Unread 11-22-2010, 11:23 PM   #1
tracie
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Default Double life and Guilt!!

I am a full time student online and a mother. I have a great man, thats why I thought it was best to tell him about my addiction, again! (2nd time with my sons father). I have no clue why I relapsed but did and DO?? I can move forward with it as long as I use the support that is given to me and to be honest!! I would love the feedback about how to deal with all the quilt that is hitting me!! It has been 2 wks and I have not picked up! I don't want to get high. Just do! I know I can lose everything, but still don't matter, I can let my kids go to bed without saying good night, I can have strange men come to your house to give me stuff when my man works nights. I just feel that I am alone, I am embarrassed to say this stuff, BUT need to understand what really takes to stay clean? I never figured it out, but really want to this time. I have support, sponsor, and this time it's for ME!!! I wanted this, I told on me. So how do I deal with all of this double life stuff? Guilt ... ??
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Unread 11-23-2010, 09:56 AM   #2
NancyB
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Hi tracie, welcome. Congratulations on two weeks! That's good that this time it is for YOU. You made the first huge steps by stopping and reaching out for help.

Learn from your past actions and try to shed the guilt. There's nothing we can do to change the past, but we can learn from it and utilize it to make for a better present and future. Have you tried going to one-on-one therapy? A good therapist should be able to help you work through those feelings of guilt.

You want to gather as much support around you and use as many tools as you can to help you in your recovery.

Please keep posting. We'll be here to support you best we can.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 11-24-2010, 08:58 PM   #3
tracie
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Smile Thank you Nancy!

Hello Nancy,

Thank you so much! It is hard and I am doing it! I have been clean and using the support around me. I have a therapist and it is working, but just kills me about the past. I am talking about it and that seems to be working a little, and I know that I cant hold on and must move on. Just no drugs to kill the feelings that I don't like!! Is it normal to have mood swings coming off cocaine?

I have been going to some meetings, but that seems that I can't full-fill their request and feels they think I am using them (judgmental). I really don't care just wanna go there without having to do what "they" say. I can't do it...90/90, that is impossible for that. The meeting is only 10 min from my house and I don't drive. No DL and don't have a car that is legal and I am not going to go to jail trying to get to a meeting (I never drove when I was using either , so why start now??). SO I found this site and so blessed and GRATEFUL for it and will keep coming back to get support and see if I can give it. I need some tools to help me out!! So I am open for anything and everything to stay clean!!
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Unread 11-24-2010, 10:34 PM   #4
Dopeless Hope Fiend
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Hi tracie!

Welcome! Congratulations on your two weeks...awesome! Remember, it's all built one day at a time.

From my experience, I know full well that for me to get clean and stay that way--eight years now--I had to want it and chase it like I chased my dope.

Ninety in ninty? Did that. With an infant in a stroller. But I did have a car. However, in rehab, they took my keys and didn't give them back for 3 months. So I got to my meetings by bus, or walked. There was a Saturday meeting that I pushed my baby in a stroller to...hot, hot weather, mid-afternoon, and an hour each way.

There's a saying
"the meeting you least want to go to is the meeting you most need to be at."

Whatever it takes...it's really exactly that. You can do it...acceptance and surrender. Trust that your desire to use will lifted...it will be with support, meetings, and trusting in that which is shared with you...from those who have been there before you.

Sorry...I don't mean to come off preachy, I'm just so filled with hope and wanted to share it with you. Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday and since I have so much to be thankful for, well I just wanted to put it out there that you can get through early recovery and put this all behind you.

I was really sick. Lost EVERYTHING to my addiction...kids, relationships, houses, jobs, cars, money, an inheritance, dignity, health...on and on and on...

I was an online student...well, was 'cause I just graduated. Now I coach online. Since I've been clean, I regained custody of one child, now have visits with another, and kept that infant in the stroller at the meetings (through it all!) He's my clean time.

Your guilt is a HUGE symbol of your realization there's a problem...that's going to change as you build your clean time.

I had guilt like that. I'd put my kids to bed early so I could use. I left my kids with babysitters so I could use. I let custody get taken from me so I could use...

Lots has happened in between...but in a nutshell, tonight I'm watching movies with them. I have no plans or desire to use. That's the furthest thing from my mind.

I'm not saying it's easy, it's hard work, tough times; but sometime soon, you could be thinking the same thing..."I don't need, want, or desire to use."

I hope you have an awesome dopeless day.

Happy Thanksgiving,

-DHF
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Unread 11-24-2010, 11:56 PM   #5
tracie
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Thumbs up

Hello DHF,

I am so happy that you shared that with me! I was about to lose everything and I could not do it AGAIN! I called five people tonight to get that ride, but your right, I just needed to rely on ME to get there....walk!!! I want this recovery so bad that I would have walked. I should have!! It was the addiction talking to me telling me that the meeting could wait till tomorrow!! That is why I am glad you guys are here to help me understand the difference. I need someone to tell me that stuff!! I need the truth, if it hurts or not, and if it don't hurt then that is the addiction again messing with and wanting me to pay the dope mans car payment and no letting me buy shoes for my kids.
I just got custody of my middle daughter, about three years ago and I knew that it was about to happen again and I did not want that again. So I will walk if there is not a ride, because that is when I need it...(no more damn devil will stop me again). I have never felt this way before when I wanted to get clean, it's all for ME!!
Thank you so much and I love all the feedback and support, it helped tonight to see all of the support!!

Thank you and grateful that I have support here!! Happy Thanksgiving!!
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Unread 11-26-2010, 11:55 AM   #6
CarlyO
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Dear Tracie,

Welcome, and congrats for taking the steps to stop. Ditto on the feedback you already got. 2 weeks is great !
I know about the Guilt, the guilt imo for me- has one purpose and that is to make me feel so bad about myself/past that I can justify anything, including all the things it takes to keep an addiction going. Then when children are involved, UGH magnify that guilt by 10 thousand and I turn into mess.

You know where your addiction will take you , give yourself a SOLID chance at finding a life without addiction, it is doable, and DHF, is so right, it is ONE day at time, don't overwhelm yourself with too much, take it a minute at a time if you have to.

Things I was told in the beginning were to keep an open mind. I remember I had to walk to 2 meetings a day, at first i resented it the first month, then I got to where I enjoyed the walks, and I always felt so much better after a meeting. I was told to ... Try not to feel judged, or ashamed, everyone ( or most everyone ) is at a meeting for the same thing. When you are ready- talk about it, you may be surprised how many people feel the same way. Take the GOOD, look for the similarities.
Before long, I had made good friends ( and rides ) I chose to hang out with people who were SERIOUS about their recovery.
If you have an option for other forms of support - grab them- I also had a counselor - she had me keep a journal.

These are just some things that helped me , hang in there, keep us posted.
Take care - and again- welcome !! Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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