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Unread 04-19-2016, 10:25 PM   #1
LadyLoss
Junior Member
 
Posts: 3
Default Just another day in paradise

I have a sweet husband.

Out of the both of us, he's the better chef, so he cooks all meals. Does the grocery shopping, too. He even picks me up from work.

He picks me up from work drunk. I carry a portable breathalyzer in my purse at all times (he got it for me one time when he drove home so drunk that he couldn't open the garage door to get inside the house and ended up sleeping on the cement, after promising that he wouldn't do it again); today he was at 0.18.

I said that I wasn't going home or anywhere with him while he was drunk; I asked that we wait it out, and made it sound like I wasn't inconvenienced by the whole thing because if I did, he'd lash out and things would get much worse. So, happy face, cheery tone, it's no big deal. I suggest that we go for a walk in the meantime - we can't, he forgot to put shoes on when he left the house.

Two and a half hours later we're good to go home. He tells me that this is all my fault; that I make him feel bad about drinking so he has to do it behind my back and pound drinks when I'm not looking. I say that I will never bring it up again; that I'm done trying to help him when he's not wanting help. I tell him that I will respect his choice of getting beyond intoxicated every day if he respects that I don't wish to be around him when he drinks. He still says that it's all my fault and that I'm too hard on him. That the last time I got upset because he drives drunk, I suggested that we get a car breathalyzer and that he stopped drinking altogether for an entire month after that, because of me, so he's just catching up.

One day, I will get the phone call telling me that he's dead or disabled for life; that the insurance won't pay because he was drunk, and we will lose everything we own. Maybe he'll have killed someone; perhaps an entire family. Maybe if he's lucky it'll just be a DUI and he'll only lose his job while our assets are in jeopardy cause I can't cover all the bills on my income. But I feel like it's inevitable, it's just a matter of time.

It.Will.Happen. I can't stop him, he doesn't want help.

I keep seeing people telling addicts' loved one: "you have choices! The choice is yours!".

I feel like that's no comfort at all. Yes, I have options. They're all shitty. There's no way out, no getting better, no happy ending. Just the dread-filled wait for that one day when It finally happened and the pain of watching the man I love disappear, consumed by his addictions.
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Unread 04-20-2016, 09:23 AM   #2
R. Lee
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LadyLoss, Welcome to the site. I am a recovering alcoholic & I did not stop drinking until I wanted to do it for myself.

It is not your fault that he is an alcoholic. Now it is time for you to stop enabling him by letting him drive you while he is drinking. You have choices on how you are going to live or not live with a alcoholic.

There are support groups for family's of an alcoholic like Al anon, or an open AA meeting.

Good luck on your choices.
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Unread 04-20-2016, 10:41 AM   #3
Sam Bailey
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Posts: 1,630
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Hello LadyLoss,

You're right. You do have options...and they're all shitty. You're in a totally crappy situation.

However, it's a situation that's been lived by a gazillion people, the people who are the loved ones of the alcoholic. That your husband is an alcoholic in severe denial just makes it all worse.

I'm so sorry that this is your reality. It is what it is, an old AA saying, trite? yeah, I suppose it is. True though.

Thing is, LadyLoss, as RLee suggested, there is not a damn thing you can do to change this situation, vis--vis your husband, until HE wants to stop killing himself.

It's totally messed up. You do, however, have a couple of hands you can play that maybe you haven't played before. Played strongly enough, is more my point.

Right now, your husband is calling all the shots. He's complaining that he's the damn victim, when, really, he's the bullying strongman in the deal.

There ain't a con in the world that can con like the active drunk/addict. Master manipulator? Dude, as my son might say, the active addict will do, or say, anything to protect his ability to drink or use.

It's his life blood, booze is, yet it's killing him. Totally effed up, the irony of that.

Now though, you must save yourself. See, only by saving yourself do you stand the chance of saving your husband...saving him only by allowing him to save himself.

Allowing, or requiring, or forcing---makes no difference. His life, ultimately, is his to lose or save.

How?

Do NOT ride in the car with him if he's loaded. Hell, don't ride with him if he's been drinking at all. Call a cab. Call a friend. Take a bus, for goodness sake.

Truth is, there're lots of "things" you can do. And while, subjectively, they may sound selfish--and to some extent they are--these "things" are really your only play.

He must "suffer" the consequences of his choices, no matter what they are. And you, you must REMOVE yourself from any participation in those consequences.

Does it suck? Oh friend, it does. I know you love this person, you write that you still do.....and to watch a loved on succumb to this f'ing condition is painful beyond words.

Again, though, someone must make the hard play.....and YOU are the only person currently capable of doing that.

Please, find an Alanon Meeting...then GO!

If you have trouble finding Alanon in your area, find an AA Meeting (or other support group) and GO!

You need other people who, like yourself, have lived, or are living, this kind of heartbreaking experience. You'll find them in Support Groups. Reach out to them, share your story---then listen to their advice.

LadyLoss? So damn sorry. But now, time to raise the curtains on this darkness.

A tough job, indeed. Not impossible though. LadyLoss, you can recover your own good self, you can. Life is not over. Not for you and, God willing, not for your husband.

But that, that is in his own hands. His and his God.

best,

sam
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Unread 04-20-2016, 07:54 PM   #4
LadyLoss
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Posts: 3
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by R. Lee View Post
LadyLoss, Welcome to the site. I am a recovering alcoholic & I did not stop drinking until I wanted to do it for myself.

It is not your fault that he is an alcoholic. Now it is time for you to stop enabling him by letting him drive you while he is drinking. You have choices on how you are going to live or not live with a alcoholic.

There are support groups for family's of an alcoholic like Al anon, or an open AA meeting.

Good luck on your choices.
Hi R. Lee,

Thanks for your reply! I do not let him drive me while he's inhebriated; we waited in the car for two and a half hours until he was sober enough on the portable breathalyzer. It was embarrassing, seeing my co-workers walk by and wondering why we were just sitting there...
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Unread 04-20-2016, 08:01 PM   #5
LadyLoss
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Posts: 3
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam Bailey View Post
Hello LadyLoss,

You're right. You do have options...and they're all shitty. You're in a totally crappy situation.

However, it's a situation that's been lived by a gazillion people, the people who are the loved ones of the alcoholic. That your husband is an alcoholic in severe denial just makes it all worse.

I'm so sorry that this is your reality. It is what it is, an old AA saying, trite? yeah, I suppose it is. True though.

Thing is, LadyLoss, as RLee suggested, there is not a damn thing you can do to change this situation, vis--vis your husband, until HE wants to stop killing himself.

It's totally messed up. You do, however, have a couple of hands you can play that maybe you haven't played before. Played strongly enough, is more my point.

Right now, your husband is calling all the shots. He's complaining that he's the damn victim, when, really, he's the bullying strongman in the deal.

There ain't a con in the world that can con like the active drunk/addict. Master manipulator? Dude, as my son might say, the active addict will do, or say, anything to protect his ability to drink or use.

It's his life blood, booze is, yet it's killing him. Totally effed up, the irony of that.

Now though, you must save yourself. See, only by saving yourself do you stand the chance of saving your husband...saving him only by allowing him to save himself.

Allowing, or requiring, or forcing---makes no difference. His life, ultimately, is his to lose or save.

How?

Do NOT ride in the car with him if he's loaded. Hell, don't ride with him if he's been drinking at all. Call a cab. Call a friend. Take a bus, for goodness sake.

Truth is, there're lots of "things" you can do. And while, subjectively, they may sound selfish--and to some extent they are--these "things" are really your only play.

He must "suffer" the consequences of his choices, no matter what they are. And you, you must REMOVE yourself from any participation in those consequences.

Does it suck? Oh friend, it does. I know you love this person, you write that you still do.....and to watch a loved on succumb to this f'ing condition is painful beyond words.

Again, though, someone must make the hard play.....and YOU are the only person currently capable of doing that.

Please, find an Alanon Meeting...then GO!

If you have trouble finding Alanon in your area, find an AA Meeting (or other support group) and GO!

You need other people who, like yourself, have lived, or are living, this kind of heartbreaking experience. You'll find them in Support Groups. Reach out to them, share your story---then listen to their advice.

LadyLoss? So damn sorry. But now, time to raise the curtains on this darkness.

A tough job, indeed. Not impossible though. LadyLoss, you can recover your own good self, you can. Life is not over. Not for you and, God willing, not for your husband.

But that, that is in his own hands. His and his God.

best,

sam
Hi Sam,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this heartfelt reply. I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe, Al-Anon can be something that's helpful to me. Who knows, maybe I'll even make friends that I can talk to about the "real things" and invite over because they won't be overly shocked if my husband's loaded.

That would definitely be nice. Isolation sucks.

I know that you guys say that it's not my fault he's that way, but if something happens, I won't be able to forgive myself.

One day at a time..?
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Unread 05-04-2016, 10:07 AM   #6
Tryntryagain
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Posts: 3,249
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Good afternoon Ladyloss. Bright blessings to you.

I am an alcoholic, a chap from dear ole Blighty and you, R Lee and Sam have completely broken my heart.

I had a wife back in the day. If you could imagine the "idyllic" English "by the Sea Cottage", well the sea was a mile away, the cliffs a 15 minute walk, and i worked just a walk away to, in a very male dominated environment. Before i met my wife, (my probation officer) i had already been addicted to other substances, drugs, and had migrated to my drug of choice alcohol.

It was i suppose, as my wife was 2 weeks away from being exactly 10 years older than me, a sorta....."my love will change him" kinda thing. She could see i was an alcoholic, yet believed all i needed was security, safety and love......then i would not need alcohol.

Right?

I can not describe the amount of love that beautiful human being gave me. She loved me so purely, so honestly. I gave her laughs, grief, worry, anxiety and the more she gave me, the more i took. All i wanted was the good life with alcohol. I loved alcohol, far more than i loved her. The more she loved, the more i drank.

Of course, i knew none of this.

Hindsight is often said to be a "wonderful thing"......not to a thankfully now, a day at a time, a sober fellow. It's quite horrendous.

I was charming, a smooth talker. When i had been drinking. We never found out what it was like between us without alcohol. A quiet, highly professional woman, who would maybe have a glass of wine at dinner partys or at events, was now drinking a bottle of wine a night.

If she had not divorced me soon after we married, (we had been dating for a couple of years but had to keep it secret because i was her client), soon was 13 months, i do believe i would have destroyed her. Well, i will not take all that blame.....me and alcohol would have done.

She left me the instance we had a baby. Harry. When i turned up drunk at the birth, i never saw her or Harry again. I knew where they had gone, my wifes Mother, and knew that in terms of completely safety and security, her Mother very wealthy, that they would both always be safe.

That was ooo...nearly 30 years ago. I am soooo glad, they chose to go on their way.

I miss and think of them everyday, yet i accept my alcoholism would have destroyed everything they would have ever wanted or needed.

Ladyloss, i know that's a rather depressing story, yet it is a true one. Real life, and what alcohol can do. For those around, those that love the alcoholic, the person will do their utmost to communicate that alcohol is a huge barrier to moving on together. It HAS to be addressed in some form.

Sure you're love for him is plain to see. I have not the slightest doubt he loves you too. Yet love so close always needs ones undivided attention. It's teamwork. Alcohol for those that can not stop, is nothing other than very, very dangerous. In every way imaginable.

This is so important to you. You have found this place, this sanctuary where others really do understand. Yet we have a duty of care to you.

Here you come first.

Al anon is a marvelous idea.

I can't help wondering if there might be a chance of asking your chap to maybe have a look at our alcohol forum just for a read? I totally understand if that is not possible.

1 day at a time means different things to different people. The one thing it does mean to all is that what ever it is we are trying to achieve, if we do not worry about tomorrow, don't fret over yesterday, yet stay in the day, then we/i certainly find it easier to stay sober. I will engage and enjoy my day tomorrow when it comes along.

If something happens whilst he is choosing to be loaded, there will be, and nothing you can or could have done. On the alcohol forum we support each other in accepting that we have a choice to drink or not.

You're love is so strong that there are ways for you, and him to get the support you need. You are both most certainly worth it.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Ladyloss
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