Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 12-29-2013, 09:36 AM   #1
Lonelygrl
Junior Member
 
Posts: 2
Default I need a friend.

Shit. That's pretty much all I can say and yet I will probably sit here for the next hour typing and crying. This is the first time that I've talked to anyone because I'm scared, embarrassed, and I don't want to hurt my husband whom I love very much. I'm in denial even though I know better and I'm so afraid of losing him. As I'm sure you know there is no reasoning with an alcoholic and every time I say something a wedge just seems to drive us apart. Here's some background. We've been together since high school and married 6 years. In our early 30s with secure jobs. Married so happily. He's chewed tobacco since he's been 15 and then of course the drinking. Up until a couple of years ago, the drinking seemed normal- social. Although, he could always drink a lot. Then it got to be more. If I wanted to admit it to myself I would say he is a functioning alcoholic sliding into nonfunctioning. The slide is coming from too much stress. We currently own our home which we are desperately trying to finish because we bought another home (one that I wanted, but initially thought he wanted as well). He owns his own business and maybe I should add that I am also 7 1/2 months pregnant with our first baby. And the only thing that runs through my head is what a fabulous dad he is going to be and what a ****ing mess we're stuck in. He can't be a dad like this. He quit chewing tobacco 75 days ago because he didn't want to end up dead like his father. I've never smoked and have the least addictive personality- I can't relate to what he's going through. But it must be hell because I have never seen him so anxious and depressed and miserable. Apparently alcohol fixes that- alcohol in large, hard quantities. Alcohol for breakfast. Alcohol that has you completely wasted at all of the family parties. Our house is miserable- and I don't know if you've ever been around a pregnant woman, but I have enough anxiety of my own right now. So much. Now, with this, I'm constantly nauseous, tiptoeing around him trying to make things alright. But, I always seem to screw it up. I know it's not me and I know it's not him and I hate seeing him so incredibly unhappy. I hate not being able to hold him. I hate how he's so bitter and angry in the morning because he hasn't had anything to drink. I hate how a couple of drinks brings him back to me, and I hate how too many drinks sends everything into a downward spiral. I can't ask him for help with anything, much less which house we'll be in when the baby is born. I check his bills just to make sure they're on time. We can't afford to have two houses, especially if I stop working when the baby comes. I think that'll about cover my anxiety. I'm so proud of him for quitting nicotine. I just want it to be better for him. He's hurting so much. And we're on this unrealistic timeline with baby and house. He recognizes that he has a drinking problem. He has even said that he will quit alcohol completely once his 100 days free from tobacco come. But, oh my god, right now it's knife stabbing agony. I cry a lot with the door shut to a room so he doesn't know. I don't want to cause him more pain, but then there will be the times that I break down and beg him to talk to me. Yah- that always works like a charm. Hey, at least I can still hide it from our families. Which is why I'm here. I need support before I fall apart. Or at the very least just the opportunity to vent. He drinks SO much now. We get in fights over who should drive- and that's going to the holiday parties. Coming home at least he admits he's gone. He's gotten out of the car before and tried to walk home. He's punched the window of the car. He talks about how much he hates everything. He's told me to stop pushing him because he'll just leave. Leave? When he wanted this baby so much? I can't do this on my own. More importantly I don't want to. I want my family back. So, how's that for a ****ed up post. Will it magically make things better? I'm smarter than this. I could recite "living with an alcoholic" verbatim. Too bad I just can't take the advice.
Lonelygrl is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-29-2013, 08:34 PM   #2
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Lonelygrl, I'm speaking as a 70 year old male recovering alcoholic who did not get sober until I was 2 & 1/2 months shy of being 61.

The walls are closing in on your family. Your 7 & 1/2 months pregnant. You own 2 homes that you can not afford if you don't work & you husband sound like a alcoholic who can become violent. His drinking continue to escalate.

There are support groups out there for family of alcoholics where you can get support.

Your husband has to want to quit drinking for himself. No other way is going to work. I could not stop drinking on my own. I had to reach out for help to a support group of other recovering alcoholics.

At a time when your lives should be full of joy with the baby coming you find yourself in just the opposite position.

Others here will come on with more support than I can give you, but I did want to respond to you in your time of need.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-29-2013, 08:47 PM   #3
Lonelygrl
Junior Member
 
Posts: 2
Default

I know I sound naive- but he's not violent. Just so stressed about everything. He has set a date for a quitting. I will support him through it and if it doesn't work- we'll see. Please tell me there's some hope if he goes through the process.
Lonelygrl is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-29-2013, 11:30 PM   #4
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Lonelygrl, I mention he can become violent because he punched the car window. There are so many yets for him.

Quit putting yourself down calling yourself nave. He is the problem. No one can cause him to drink just like no one can get him to stop drinking. He has to do it for himself.

I did stop drinking after 42 years with the help of a support group of recovering alcoholics.

I stayed away from trying to stop because I thought it was impossible for me never to drink again. I had failed 3 times in my 42 years of drinking & I knew I would fail again.

This will sound strange but I no longer worry about staying sober for the rest of my life. I took a simple message that I only have to stay sober for today & tried it. With this simple message I have stayed sober for over 9 years. I know if I pick up just one drink I will be back to the man I was for all those years & I probably will not try & get sober again.

There was so much more wrong with me besides drinking. I was a me, me person. I put my wants before my family & loved ones. I gave away 3 marriages. I was not a father to my children. I paid my child support & visited my children when I took the time to which was not every week. I never want to go back to being the person I was. One drink will take me back there.

Hold on to what you got & pray he wants to stop his alcoholic drinking.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-30-2013, 01:55 PM   #5
Libelula
Junior Member
 
Libelula's Avatar
 
Posts: 20
Default Hi

Hello,

I want to encourage you to realize everything isn't going to be fixed right away. I have been pregnant in a very rocky relationship with an alcoholic, and I know you're super scared right now. But there is a lot of external pressure on both of you due to finances and the baby coming, so I would do my best to approach it in an "us against this problem" way instead of a "you need to fix ___" sort of way. Give yourself a mental break--you're doing fine. You have a healthy baby, right? And you sound like a normal, great wife. Give your husband a little break too. He's making changes and feeling the burden of trying to get his family out of this situation. He may not be dealing with it in the way you would prefer! But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you and doesn't care.

Do you have a support group? My church has helped me in so many ways. Al Anon is another good resource.

I admire your loyalty to him and your respect for him, which is shown in the way you won't say anything bad about him even though his behavior is spiraling. I hope he knows he is a super lucky guy! Guys need respect from their spouse even when they don't particularly deserve it, just like women need love even when we don't particularly need it. You may want to check out http://loveandrespect.com/, I wish I had read that book before I divorced my husband. Be aware that while you're coming to him asking him to talk to you about the issues because you're scared, he might take that as you not trusting him to take care of things! Guys and women are so different.

I would try to express to him that you respect him, and you trust him to do his best for you and the baby (because you know he will, even if he's struggling with stuff right now). And then in that context try to tell him what you need from him, maybe just one thing at a time. For example, you could say "I realize we're in a tight situation right now, and you're struggling with giving up tobacco, and I respect you so much for giving up tobacco even though you're stressed." And then maybe a little later say "You are stronger than me through this. I feel so vulnerable when I'm pregnant. I trust we will get through it together, but sometimes I just need you to hold me to help me feel safe and protected." That way you are not coming off as nagging, but just telling him something you need.

In my experience it's almost impossible not to blast him with all of your concerns and worries at once. But that will make him feel like you are telling him he's not good enough. Focus on one thing at a time, and maybe journal to let off steam, or post on here, or call a friend.

Having said that, your situation is so complicated. There is the alcohol, and there is the stress and how you and your husband are handling it in different ways, and there is the baby coming, and there is your financial situation. Please realize that a family that can stick together through storms like this will be so much stronger because of it. You guys are not alone, and the situation is not helpless. Just really really tough. Try to get some support or help for yourself and maybe as a couple.

I wouldn't let him drive you if he's been drinking. I know how tough that is, I remember letting my husband drive me because he insisted he was fine, even though I knew he wasn't, because I didn't want to get into another fight. But you are a mama now, and you have to think about the baby. If you guys fight, and he starts hitting things or throwing things, have a backup plan. Go to a friend's house or your parent's house or something. Let him know that you're not threatening to leave him, but that he's not in control of himself and you need to be away until you can discuss things calmly.

Better yet, maybe try to have a plan before things get to that level. Tell him things seem very tense right now, and you want to make sure you're both calm before you discuss stuff. That you are a team and you want to approach problems with him instead of fighting with him. And that if he starts raising his voice, you're going to go into a different room for 30 minutes and try to collect your thoughts so you can both be calm. Or something like that. Have a game plan, and let him know what it is. If he's anything like my ex he is probably excessively insecure right now, and if you just walk away from an argument without telling him why or how long, he'll feel like you're abandoning him.

And of course you can always set boundaries about how much of his drinking you can take and stuff like that. Al Anon and the people here can help you with that. But it sounds like the situation is so crazy, you might want to just focus on one thing at at time. Getting yourself some support, not doing anything drastic during this time (unless of course you're in danger).

Some people may not agree with me here. But I feel like because it's a forum for family of alcoholics, we single out the alcohol problem immediately. And there's also a tendency to be like "leave that drinking bum! He has a problem!" instead of trying to be delicate and find wisdom.

You are not alone. And don't worry about the baby--my midwife told me that a baby will be fine under enormous amounts of stress as long as it feels the mother wants it. That was when I was nine months pregnant, working as a waitress, and separated from my husband while we went to counseling. It made me feel a lot better.

I'm so sorry this is so long. Much love. I will pray for you. Keep in touch.
Libelula is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 12-30-2013, 02:29 PM   #6
Libelula
Junior Member
 
Libelula's Avatar
 
Posts: 20
Default

Yes, I'm still typing! So sorry!
http://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Keys-Lo.../dp/0310402913 Here's a book that has some great advice about communicating with a husband. The title and the cover look super cheesy, and it is a Christian book, but if you read the woman's section you'll be surprised at how it fits you and your husband, even if you disregard the Bible verses and stuff. I wish I had known this stuff before I got married.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-D...ve+and+respect And here's the other book I was telling you about. Wish I could send you a copy!

I think what I wanted to convey is that in a stressful situation, there are things we women do that drive men away, even though we're starving to be close to them. And we don't even realize it. Because we're speaking a different language. So if you do a little research it might go a long way to help the environment of your home. All couples go though excruciating times. The trick is to get through them together.

Also you are clearly hurting so much. Please have a coffee date with a friend, go see a funny movie together, or just do something nice for yourself. If you can find ways to relieve a little bit of tension for yourself, it will take some pressure off of your husband. You don't have to fix everything right away. It's going to be all right, whether you guys get through this successfully or whatever happens. I know because I got through it. I am divorced now, but I have a beautiful little girl. And her dad is very active in her life, and seems to be getting healthier and happier as time goes by. We may not be together but we have a good relationship and everything is okay. You and your baby (and hopefully your husband and your marriage) will be okay.
Libelula is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Libelula For This Useful Post:
Thank You (05-11-2014)
Unread 02-28-2014, 05:17 PM   #7
Libelula
Junior Member
 
Libelula's Avatar
 
Posts: 20
Default

Lonelygirl,
Are you still getting on this site? How are you doing? How's the baby and the hubby?
Libelula is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-10-2014, 04:34 PM   #8
stuck here
Junior Member
 
Posts: 13
Default Sorry

Loneley girl I to was pregnant with twins and another small child on bed rest .My pregnancy was so scary I was afraid for my babies and my other child .Do you have family ? mine were all in Europe I wish I had asked my Mum to come over as it was the most difficult time. I feel guilt over my oldest child needing me he used to cuddle up with me in bed we spent many hours watching tv and friends would bring us food .I was sick the whole 8half months. The most important thing is to take care of you and your baby. There are lots of very helpful people here it really helps to express your emotions.
stuck here is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-05-2014, 10:17 AM   #9
Sestra
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Smile You have a friend here.

Hello, LG. I just wanted to say that your post reached out to me. Particularly having someone you love who drinks constantly. I once had an alcoholic boyfriend, but fortunately I broke it off as soon as I started to realize that his problem went far beyond help, & it was more relevant than our relationship. But the reason I was able to detect the signs was because I grew up with an entire family of addicts. My mom in particular is a HOPELESS drinker. We no longer speak. And it still hurts so much, cuz I love my mom so much.

I recently joined this forum for the same reasons. So I could vent, & so I could see that I wasn't alone. But also to tell others the same. When I read your description of what you go through, I nearly teared up, because I completely know what you're talking about. My mom drinks morning noon & night. The happiest memories I have of her are the days where she had a cold or flu, & was too ill to drink whiskey. So she was sweet & sober. But being bi-polar with the booze on top of it never helped.

I suspect that your husband might in fact have some form of bi polar disorder, heightened by the alcohol. I just know that both my parents had issues BEFORE the drinking, & it got WORSE when they did drink. A vicious cycle, where they can't feel normal until they get a buzz. But the buzz is too weak to ease their pain, so they drink some more, eventually getting drunk. Being drunk brings the moodiness, anger & emotional turmoil they bottle up inside. They don't know how to face their own sober emotions because it's too terrifying & too painful. Having to face the fact that he's probably failing as a husband & father, how can anyone face that without being terrified?

In no way, does this justify the need to drink. I know now, years later, after surviving abuse from the people I loved with all my heart, who drank all my life, I realize that these people are weak, & they dig a hole in the ground and bury themselves inside. But when he has a loving wife & a baby on the way, that's MORE than enough reason to climb out & be brave, & get it together because his wife & baby NEED him. But this might be beyond your power to tell him. Obviously, he can't face you. As you are a constant reminder of how he's failing. Failing you & the baby. I'm sure he doesn't hate you, it just pains him so much to see you. This is very similar to my relationship with my parents.

If he at least recognizes his problem drinking, then I know there's hope. My mom spent her entire life telling the world "I don't have a problem, & if you don't like it, then you can just remove yourself. I'm not changing for anyone. Not even my children"

I don't mean to be cold, but drunks are the most selfish people on the planet. It takes some SERIOUS events to give them a reality check before they'll budge and do anything to change. I assume you'll want to wait until he keeps his promise (which I can only PRAY he will do) but if he doesn't stick to his word, perhaps an intervention is necessary. My heart goes out to you. And him, & your child. I can only hope for the best.

But I wanted you to know, that you're not alone. I needed others to tell me that, but I feel that I should do the same. We're suffering through these things together. And here, you found yourself a friend.
Sestra is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:45 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors