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Unread 08-20-2014, 06:16 AM   #1
denjohns50
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Posts: 6
Default Adult alcoholic son

A little background ...My 33 yr old son has had a sorry life. He didn't handle our divorce very well at the age of 10, and I later found that he had been repeatedly molested for a few years by a trusted neighbor kid (who was 5 yrs older). I didn't find that out until he was in his twenties and he broke down one night (when drunk) and let it out. He'd kept it a secret for all those years.

He lived with me until I couldn't control him and he dropped out of school at 16. His dad also had an alcohol problem (but functioning and worked) and felt that I was the problem so let our son move in with him. They didn't get along and he moved back in with me. Dropped out of school. Made my life miserable as he was totally out of control and could be violent. No support from his father. He did a crime that I reported, and he ended up going to adult prison at 18. To this day, when drunk/high he brings it up. Since then, he's been in and out of prison. The latest being about 5 yrs ago. Said he'd never go back - he'd take his life first.

After and between prison stints he lived with his dad (who lives in a city an hour away from me). Over the years, his alcohol abuse got so bad that his dad moved out and didn't tell him where he was living. Pays for everything as son doesn't work. Can't hold a job. His dad has gone into debt and keeps giving him money on top of paying for all his expenses (and he doesn't really have it).

I've done my share of enabling over the years but not nearly like my ex. Maybe he's trying to make himself feel better as he was partying and having a good time when our son needed him when he was young. After his first release from prison at 21 (for a crime he did while drunk/high) my ex threw a big party for him in a bar. Nothing like starting the cycle all over again.

I had a phone call yesterday about a fraud case against him - he wrote a check two years ago and never made good on it and unless he pays (it's up to over $1000 with interest) at least half of it they will issue a warrant today. This is a felony and he will probably get 3-5 years (he already has at least one felony on his record). At the very least he will get 90 days. I'll admit my first thought was to help pay it so he wouldn't have to go back to prison, but I do know better and won't do it.

I am trying to see this as positive, as he's drunk/high a few times a week plus has friends on heroin (he told me) but says he'd never do it. It's probably just a matter of time before he does or overdoses on alcohol. In the past I've tried to get him into detox and Salvation Army's program (Harbor Lights) but he refuses. And when in prison the last few times he just came away much angrier. My worst fear is he will commit suicide. And how would I go on? My greatest hope would be that somehow this could be a miracle that he needs if we all get out of the way.

I will quit rambling now. Thank you for reading this!

Denjohns50
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Unread 08-20-2014, 08:14 PM   #2
R. Lee
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Denhohns50, Welcome to this site. I am a recovering alcoholic who drank for 42 years before joining a support group of recovering alcoholics.

I am happy to hear that you are aware that enabling him will just add to alcoholism. It will not help him.

Maybe a support group like Al Anon would help you so you do not have to do this by yourself.

No one can help your son unless he wants to get sober. If he goes back to jail or prison maybe he can get some help.

My best to you.
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Unread 08-26-2014, 11:47 AM   #3
Tryntryagain
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Hello Denjohns, bright blessings to you.

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with your son.

I am an alcoholic, and at 48 have been so all my adult life. Thankfully i have found sobriety and work hard everyday to maintain it.

On my journey i always thought i would "stop tomorrow". I promised those that loved me, i even promised myself! I went to rehab after rehab, 1 therapy to another, and you know what? after 30 years of in and out of therapies and rehabs it boiled down to 1 thing....."how much did i want to be sober?". I learnt that i had to want it so much. I was once told when i was drinking, "would i crawl over broken glass to get a drink or drug?", the answer through experience was "errr yes". I was then told you need the same will power to crawl over broken glass away from my drug of choice, alcohol.

Nobody can make another want their sobriety, they have to want it for themselves. All of us have enabled others because we thought we were loving them. The hardest love to give is tough love, it really, really hurts. My journey with other alcoholics has taught me that we are so adept at manipulating people and situations, there comes a time when that no longer works. From your amazing post, i can see it is at that stage.

I am with R Lee with this. Prison, AA, anywhere were he can be in an environment where the lies stop, and honesty becomes the currency, i believe will help your son.

It is MASSIVELY important that you have support. Al anon is a place where you will be able to share your pain around your son with other familys that unfortunately have seen the face of addiction amoungst their own.

My warmth and support to you.

Loveness,
Tryn
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