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Unread 03-25-2013, 07:49 PM   #1
CalSun
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Default Heartbreak Over My Son

Hello,

Posting because of my son. He's 34 now and has been drinking for quite a few years. Just went through hospitalized detox, but has not decided to go to rehab and doesn't want to go to AA. Doc told him his liver was beginning to be affected, but if he stopped, it would heal.

I don't know if he will stop. He told me today that he feels terrible guilt for what he is putting us through, but that he loves what he is doing. He does not ask for anything and does not live with me. He quit a job and relocated to a town nearer his friends recently. He is looking for a job and has a few prospects, but I don't know what will happen if he does not find one. He is living with a married couple and I don't know how long they will let him live there.

I am struggling very much. I divorced his dad because of alcoholism. He died a few years after we divorced, only in his mid 30's. I put my kids in drug and alcohol education programs, got them counseling and thought we would escape a repeat. But here we are.

I just started a new job, plus I have a chronic disease that is currently in remission. Stress can reactivate it and I am very worried that this stress with my son may be a catalyst.

I started Al Anon last week and have been to several meetings. I know full well that I cannot control his drinking. But watching this downward spiral, knowing what happened with his dad, is just killing me. I am barely functioning at this point. and dread the days I have to go to work.

And through this all, I wonder where God is. I feel so abandoned.

Thanks for letting me vent.

CalSun
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Unread 03-26-2013, 07:48 AM   #2
mendela
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Welcome CalSun I wondered too many times where is God in all this drama. You have been dealt a double wammy with ex having the alcohol problem. Your health is what is important at this stage, sounds like your son has found a way to survive at this time. Under Son you can read my saga of a son Mike who has too many years lived in turmoil with alcoholism. Currently he is sober and looking forward to a more stable life. It is going to be a long haul for all of us. My involvement with this forum has given me encouragement and lots of caring and support. Keep venting and always remember this is not your fault, your a good mother. Hugs, Marilyn
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Unread 03-26-2013, 12:23 PM   #3
R. Lee
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CalSun, Welcome to the site.
I speak as a recovering alcoholic & know what damage I did with my 42 years of drinking.
You educated your children in alcoholism. Don't blame yourself.
You know what alcoholism can do & of course you are concerned about your son's drinking
You have been sick & can not stand the stress.
Glad you are going to Al Anon.
Your son has got to want to stop for himself. Don't let him take you down with him.
We can love them but we can not get them to stop drinking.
My best to you.
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Unread 03-26-2013, 10:24 PM   #4
CalSun
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Thank you, mendela and r.lee for the welcome and encouraging words. I am reading people's stories here. So much heartbreak, yet hope, too.

mendela, I am happy for you and your son, Mike. Hopefully he will continue on the good path he is on.

R.Lee, congratulations on your sobriety. You give us hope that our loved ones can do it, too.
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Unread 03-27-2013, 08:07 PM   #5
R. Lee
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CalSun, We are here for you.
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Unread 03-31-2013, 06:44 PM   #6
CRICKET5
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I will keep you in my thoughts as well..I so appreciate people on here and having somewhere to vent..I will never no how I happened upon this forum,must have been God,because for the life of me I cant figure it out..But I am forever thankful
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Unread 03-31-2013, 07:52 PM   #7
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CalSun: Glad you are here. You have no control over your son's drinking, but you know that, as you dealt with this with your husband. And for that I am so sorry you are now going through this with your son. As was stated, he is apperaantly surviving, and as much as I am sure you want so much more for you son, he has to want it himself. I am 47, almost 13 years clean from alcohol and cocaine and I will tell you my parents could not doing anything and God knows they tried everything. I had to hit rock bottom (and I did) and all they could finally do is pray I didn't die in my addiction and madness. Stay strong and take care of yourself, if you don't you will be no good to anyone else. You must be #1 now, your health commands it. We put our kids first as they are growing, and even beyond when we must, but with your son's alcoholism, you are just as powerless is he is over it. You have taken steps to get help by going to Al-Anon, it is time for him to take his first step. God Bless you and keep posting, we are here for you!! Julie
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Unread 04-02-2013, 02:12 AM   #8
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I can empathize with your story. My husband is now in rehab. & he was out of control a few months ago. He has been in rehab before. However, he was not ready to surrender his drinking then. This time around, he chose to go on his own. It had to happen when he was ready to seek help. All these years I was only wasting my energy. He would come out of rehab only to drink again. I wish you all the best. I understand your dilemma. Keep coming back!

Sending hugs to you.
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Unread 04-02-2013, 02:49 PM   #9
CalSun
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Thanks for your comments CRICKETS, julie47 and hawaiilover.

We had a long talk on Easter. His hurt and pain from living with and then losing his alcoholic father at age 11 is overwhelming. He really needs to deal with that deep, deep wound. And I think he knows it. But he tells me how hard it is, which I am sure it is.

I have pulled back a bit from talking to him frequently. I know he needs to sort through this and while I can encourage, too much feedback may be detrimental ... it is to me, anyway. In doing so, I have started to feel stronger and happier. I continue to go to Al Anon and work on turning all of this over to my Higher Power, my God.

Al Anon brings up some really deep sorrow as I once again come to grips with the truth that I am the child of two addicts (alcohol, gambling & food), the ex-wife of an alcoholic and now the mother of an alcoholic. But the good news is, my girls have married good men who love and treat them and their children very well. Sometimes, I just must concentrate on the good that has happened.

Blessings to all of you.
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Unread 04-02-2013, 09:30 PM   #10
julie48
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Awesome and getting positive CalSun, good to hear. An-anon is a great support system and so are we. We all care!! Keep posting. Julie
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Unread 04-03-2013, 08:48 AM   #11
R. Lee
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CalSun, Good for you using a support group.
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Unread 04-03-2013, 08:39 PM   #12
CRICKET5
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Calsun, another member on here wrote me this..'your child is like your heart walking around outside your body',and it absolutely is the truth,you ache so much for them and as a parent you want to 'fix' them..I continue to keep all in my prayers and thoughts,and you included
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Unread 04-20-2013, 05:03 PM   #13
CalSun
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Thank you, CRICKET5. Only God can heal this boy, that I know. Alcoholism has stolen so much from our family: my son, his father and grandfather, my father and grandfather, uncles. And then all the other family members who lived with and loved them. Tremendous damage through the generations.
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Unread 07-19-2013, 10:50 AM   #14
CalSun
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Haven't heard from my son for over 3 weeks now. He will not answer texts or phone calls to me, hubby or his sister. I do not know why. Our last conversation was fine - except that he wanted me to stay on the phone longer with him and I could not. We have at least a 15/20 minutes conversation and I needed to go.

I know this can be typical addict behavior. But since he had been in the hospital in March, I can't help wondering if he is alright. But I also know that all I can do is turn him over to God.

Sometimes I put him completely out of my mind for days.
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Unread 07-19-2013, 03:08 PM   #15
R. Lee
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CalSun. You are doing the right thing with your son.
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Unread 08-01-2014, 08:40 AM   #16
CalSun
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**UPDATE**

Well, here we are a bit over a year later and he's back in the hospital in detox. It's horrible this time. He came to my home last Friday to "get better" and went cold turkey. DT's were so bad. On day 3 of hallucinations, I had to have him removed by police to the hospital after trying all day to get the help he needed and being turned away due to lack of insurance.

I don't know what will happen. He is basically homeless, jobless and broke. And very, very sick. I want him to go to Teen Challenge, a 14 month program, but he'll probably scoff at that. He cannot come back to my house without some sort of long-term rehab. Even at that, we live too far away from public transportation and job possibilities for someone with his needs. We've applied for state benefits, but will they cover the hospital costs retroactively? Do they cover long-term?

I am sick to my stomach and really don't feel like I can take this. We're 60 YO now, and enough really is enough.

Support and guidance is so needed right now!!!
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Unread 08-02-2014, 05:38 PM   #17
R. Lee
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CalSun, You have done so much for him. You can not help him. You have a life. It is so hard knowing what it has done to other family members. Do not let him fool you. You are in my prayers.
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Unread 08-02-2014, 05:46 PM   #18
CalSun
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He's called me twice today asking to pick him up from the hospital. I keep telling him no, go to rehab now. He threatened to severe our relationship and I said go ahead.

He could not leave if someone did go to get him. The nurse says legally they will not release him before a psych eval on Monday.

There's no way I will take him in, but it's tearing my gut apart.
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Unread 08-02-2014, 08:39 PM   #19
R. Lee
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CalSun, Sure he is tearing your gut apart, but you know that enabling him could kill him. Stay strong.
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Unread 08-02-2014, 09:39 PM   #20
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Calsun: He must go to rehab and we all know that. But if he refuses there is nothing you can do but take care of YOU. I know you are worried sick, and understandably so, but we as parents, spouses, and friends are powerless over another person's addiction. He must WANT help and become sick and tired of being sick and tired.....I know you are. We are here for you. Please keep posting. Julie
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Unread 08-03-2014, 10:01 AM   #21
CalSun
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He's still insisting on the hallucinations he had being real: someone tried to steal his clothes and chased him with a gun. He is due to be released tomorrow after a psych eval, but he's not clear headed. His nurse doesn't think he will be sent to inpatient care, only rehab if he chooses it. Right now, it doesn't seem like he will.

I'm so frightened!
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Unread 08-03-2014, 05:40 PM   #22
R. Lee
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CalSun, Have you been going to Al Anon or dealing with this by yourself.
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Unread 08-03-2014, 08:29 PM   #23
CalSun
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I go to Al Anon maybe weekly. I am in touch with women from the group, though. Also, some of my family came today to visit with my son and try to talk some sense into him. He told them he was going straight from the hospital into rehab. Hopefully, he will.

This has done a number on me. One never expects police involvement or to see a beloved child in hospital restraints.
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Unread 08-04-2014, 10:03 AM   #24
R. Lee
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Calsun, Glad that you are still with Al Anon & not trying to do this by yourself.
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Unread 08-19-2014, 08:24 AM   #25
CalSun
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Some hopeful news. Son willingly went into rehab but could only get funded for 15 days. He is planning on moving to a recovery house to continue treatment. Also diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety. Willing to take meds.

I am very thankful for this.
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