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Unread 07-28-2012, 04:38 PM   #1
istherehope
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Lightbulb The light at the end of the tunnel is a tea candle..AND THE FLAME IS RIGHT IN SIGHT.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS A TEA CANDLE....AND THE FLAME OF RECOVERY IS RIGHT IN PLAIN SIGHT.

well, i finally figured out how to get back on this intense forum where i can be real and as raw as i am in the confines of my dark bedroom and silent walls. So silent that i can hear the warped ideas ricochet past the struggling reality of my situation.

I have 6 days off of crystal methamphetamine. Probably the only white memory i have in what seems to be a grey existence. Yet this sparkling white trigger is failing to show its true colors , those of dark crimson, blackened black, greyish death seen when i muster up the imagination of what lies outside this never relenting life style. I fluctuate between hope and despair ,as fast as the second hand announces the onset of a new minute. Somewhere along the way i convinced myself that recovery and renewal of self were not part of my rewards for quitting. I wonder why all the intellectual information and even personal training and teaching on this subject , was not ever meant for my ears, heart and adoption. That's right , here i sit with beautiful and profound words of manifesting strength and rising above the meth jaws in the modern day snake pit.... For others-- who seek my counsel ....mostly in past years as an aod therapist. But i can't heal my wounded heart with one acknowledgement of beginning the trek solo. Not because of legal consequences, or ultimatums , not because i have nothing left to tap into to feed the rollercoaster of predictable highs and "sure to be' crashes.....but rather , i fight the persistent message that i am the one who won't recover with even half of my faculties. That my brain will remain in limbo or worse yet, start to receed and i'll be left with the expression of air headedness, flakey woman, no solution oriented skills, nor the ability to filter incoming information and respond with words that let the other person know that i at least understood the statement or question. This is my greatest fear. Oh along with the lifetime of flat affect . No smiles, no dreams, no excitement, no desires, and god forbid no laughter.......of which i am known by. The ability to make people laugh and feel motivated. Part of my education lend itself to becoming a nationally certified motivational speaker, a woman so quick and witty on her feet that motivating a group of 300 hundred woman and or adolescent teens was a walk in the western parks of american. Now i can understand that my greatest fear is not measuring up to expectations set forth many years ago ,when i was at the top of my profession. An exceptional high school teacher, motivational speaker and professional trainer. I fear the loneliness felt by someone left behind when they can 't measure up to their past accomplishments. Oh what can i do but find out.....and now is the time for my discontent. Using one drug or the other off and on for nearly 20 years leaves me with a deep black hole in the middle of my persona. Who is in there and what will she find to be just ok from now on in her life. I speak of myself in third person when the pain threatens the very edge of my self worth. Am i a no body, with no thing to give. Will my brain and body continue their ruin at a faster pace now that my spirit refuses to play such deadly games. Does the awareness of loneliness as the catalyst for original use of substances linger at the exit and entrance to my life and prepares to pounce on me....the weakened and demoralized fool. Or do i say out loud that which i desire to become and gleam from such outrageous experience long enough to turn and in wisdom give back to those who see no candle either. Not even a battery operated tea candle that will not lose it's pretend flame. I need to start looking inside of myself for the fire of god's promise and leave the candles where they belong. This is not about decoration or how many days clean am i, it's about the prayers to he who moulded me in his imagine. A begging of comfort and familiarity , a map back home into the embrace i once left , and a sharing of the life i so seriously changed from the makeup of serenity and contentment into a life of challenge and the partner of destruction. I'm coming home now, hoping the landing is one of grace and commitment . So when i land face down in lessons of hell, i will have learned the lessons of heaven as i stop with bended knee to give thanks for this survival, before i stand and start it all over again. With gods direction and my clear vision of joy in second chances......

And this is how i begin the journey that i have spent that last decades avoiding . The all powerful and feared initial weeks of strange changes. Somehow the beam does not balance this polar experience outside of my own limited imaginings. My prayers are surrounding the facts that others have survived and i too will survive this addiction , if i reach out and cling to one who knows where the keys are ...and have been....in plain sight , right before my wonderings of that tea candle at the end of some tunnel. Looking for that brightness has in fact dulled the raging flame of love and support right in plain sight. In plain sight......
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Unread 07-29-2012, 06:01 PM   #2
CarlyO
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Default Welcome istherehope

Dear IsThereHope,

Welcome and thank you for sharing your journey with us. 6 days is an accomplishment , any day not sucked back into the abyss that is addiction is amazing imo. Find as much support as you can, keep an open mind when it comes to trying supports, recovery /remission requires work, and isolation is the enemy imo.keep us posted, vent if you need to and take care of yourself! Congrats, may your journey bring you much peace and serenity. Look forward to updates from you ! take care, Carly
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