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Unread 04-23-2012, 06:34 AM   #1
thisisit
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Exclamation Afraid I've messed up


I haven't been on in awhile or haven't joined in on a chat in awhile. I was transfered to a new location with my job back in Jan. And well since have been working alot I had and still have so much to do to catch the department up and have been working very hard at it. Back in mid march they fired my asst. and only this week hired me a new one. So in the last month I have been working 50-55 hours a week trying to keep up. Along with still trying to get the people I inherited in the department to do things the way they should be done so we pass inspections and so on.... Well to make a long story short.
Before all this happened I was down to 4 mg a day and working on getting to 2 mg a day...
In the past month I have found myself creeping back up to 8 mg a day or more some times 16 and then I bounce back to 8 and so on depending on the day and how many hrs I have worked I find my body just dragging and legs hurting and back and ect. So I take another 4mg and I feel better for a while then get tired as hell. And I know from past experience the more I take the tireder it makes me.. I have even found myself figuring out if I have to drive or if I'm being picked up. if I am being picked up I know I can take that extra pill cuase I don't have to worry about being tired and driving... And then I come home and am exhuasted and just watch t.v. and pass out. I am affraid I have fallen into old habits of abusing the subutex... yesterday I was home all day and only took 4 mg. and told my self that was all i was going to take and it was... And am hoping I do the same today.. and get my self back stable on that amount and then taper down to 2mg... I can't believe I allowed my self to creep back up.. it wasn't that i was feeling high but it made me sleep and exscape my home life I quess when i was at home.. I really don't know why I did it.. I'm very mad at myself ... I was doing so good and I have also managed to put some more weight on and my eating habits are in the trash i don't plan meals withwork i just grab and go... and drink soda all day no water... so the constipation issues are back I feel not so healthy like I was a couple of months ago... I have let my self down.. I know it is my fault for not following my program as my doctor walmart doesn't give me a program.. just wants me to buy her vitamens which i have and well they really haven't make any changes in me either... I'm depressed again i think... It could be cuz I had nothing but work and no play.. just work and then I just want to sleep... ( to me thats a sign of depression). I don't know I just don't feel right my legs hurt and I feel once again like an old lady... more weight on and lazy... Sorry I just needed to vent and let it out I've been hiding I believe from the site cuz I didn't want to tell the truth to anyone... but I'm sliding back wards . or so I feel I am... I still haven't taking anything i'm not suppose to. so still off drug of choice since nov 11... did i move to fast in my recovery.. ? i don't know any response would be appriciated if anyone has had this happen?/ i'm ashamed to be honest...
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Unread 04-23-2012, 06:48 AM   #2
Kia25
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Thisisit,

DONT be ashamed to be honest, especially here. Your right you didnt go back to your DOC, so that's a good thing !!
I know you can get back to where you were, but GO SLOW !
I started on 12/31/2011 and I'm still at 10mg, and I'm in no rush to go down any further.
So don't rush.

Stay strong, you can do this!!
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Unread 04-23-2012, 08:28 AM   #3
NancyB
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Hi thisisit, start over again. What happened, happened and you realize that you need to change some things. Bouncing around on your dose like that has caused some people to feel depressed, so it could be adding to the depression and anxiety you're already having. So start by taking only 4mg a day every day. Leave your medication at home so it's not with you to tempt you.

You have to put time aside to do things you like to do. How are things at home - it sounds like not much better since you mentioned escaping your home life. If you think you may need an anti-depressant, please don't talk with Dr. Walmart about it; I'd be afraid she'd try to sell you more of her concoctions. Go to your OB/GYN or GP who could help.

I don't think you moved too fast in your recovery; I think that you put it on the back burner because you haven't dealt with the different situations in your life and you're displaying the addictive behaviors of self-medicating to hide from them.

Start fresh today with a few things. Only take 4mg and don't take any to work with you. If you get the urge to take more, examine why (which you already have a handle on, but do it right then and there) and talk yourself out of it. Start drinking less soda and more water - maybe even flavored or those vitamin waters (just check the sugar content). Grab fruit instead of junk food. Or maybe tonight, pack a nice healthy lunch to bring with you. Not eating right will drag you down also.

Please stop being down on yourself. Stuff happens, and the best thing to do is to learn from those things. Take positive steps to get back on track - even if it's baby steps. The only thing I would greatly encourage you to do first is to stabilize on your dose. That bouncing around is causing you too many problems.

I'm glad you told us what's going on. We're here to support you, so don't be ashamed, ok?

Nancy
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Unread 04-25-2012, 12:20 AM   #4
amber.4.14.11
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HELLO thisisit!!!!!!!!!
Nice to 'see ya'
I was just 'lookin around' and saw your post, I havent really been 'on' in awhile either.

You know, we ARE all 'former' junkies.
Its not COMPLETELY your fault, you went 'backwards' (according to you)

I dont think you have ANYTHING to be ashamed of, I mean, taking xtra sub, cuz you were feeling bad/stressd/hurting etc, IS what your soposed to do, INSTEAD of using agian, right?????????

I agree with the other two replies, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start agian.
thats the GREAT Thing about making it outta active addiction ALIVE,
you can START OVER whenever the HELL YOU WANT TO!!!!!!!!!
remember,
you cant 'rewrite' your book (of life)
but you can ALWAYS start a new chaphter and make a new ending!!!
I forgot 'exactly' how that saying goes, but you get the idea.

Your allright in my book, no matter WHAT you think about yourself.
Try and cheer up, K???
we are all here for you
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Unread 04-25-2012, 01:01 AM   #5
theswan
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I took over a year and a half. I went so slow I had little to no Withdrawal. I am back on at 2mg three times a day (for pain) after being off over a year. I had said to myself and on this forum that if my pain got bad, I'd take suboxone with no problem. You know what? it is no problem. Why? because unlike regular opioids sub does not make me crave more and more.

So anyway, back to you! Take it easy and allow your body to tell you went to proceed, You will know just know it is not a race, it is a slow journey and you will get to zero one day. Worst case as with me (not sure if you have pain issues) one can always go back to suboxone if the need happens-it is not the end of the world. Taking one's drug of choice may be but not taking suboxone.

Easy and slow and you will be okey dokey!

God bless

Glen
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Unread 04-25-2012, 07:46 AM   #6
Kia25
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Hey Thisisit ~

I just wanted to check in on you and see how your doing - I know this is a rough road we are on, but we are all on it together.
Just want you to know I'm here for you.

Stay strong YOU CAN DO THIS !!
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Unread 05-07-2012, 09:45 AM   #7
thisisit
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Thanks everyone for all the response, things are still pretty much the same. To be honest I got back on the site a day or so after posting on the 23, And read the first couple responses then got off the site and now back on again first time since that day.. And like I said things are the same. I don't know what is going on with me. I feel really down and that life will always be a hassle it sucks cuz I was so happy it seemed to be off the DOC back in Nov 2011 when starting on subs. And working through the problems I was having on the films. and with Dr. walmart. But now I don't feel that way Don't get me wrong still inside somewhere I'm so glad i'm not chasing the pain pills and all that. And I don't want one I'm not craving my old habit. Just that the good feeling inside I was having for the first few months is gone. And its back to, the grind of life I quess. And then to make it all worse I'm worried about my son. He is I believe on the wrong road I have learned yesterday or should say was told what I already knew but was not dealing with it. He is not making the right choices And i'm worried. He showed up at a bar his sister was at on her birthday to have a drink with her and he was high she said and acting all strange and he says he is engaged to his girlfriend and well he is just way off the road I want him on. So now I don't know what to do about that their is way more to this story of coarse.. But Back to me I'm working alot and I mean alot.. 50+ hours a week this has been going on since feb and it has all caught up with me i think. Work, kids, husband, And thinking about the past.. Which can always get me down.. I do miss me or what I was 10 years ago.. I'll add more I have to go to work... I'm taking about 24 mg a day.. or less. it's not that I think about it constantly but when I do I go ahead and pop one in my mouth to feel better.. And yes I do have pain issues but They are not bad.. nothing I know deep inside I can't handle with a tylenol. subs help the pain. But I've been working my ass off lately no time to think about anything myself or anything and I think that may be the stem of all this.. thanks again for being here for me..
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Unread 05-07-2012, 09:49 AM   #8
thisisit
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oh I want to ad,, nancy I know your right about what to do and don't take them with me but. why I don't listen I can't tell you.. I want to do what is right I'm just not in a place right now where I feel I can...???? I have no excuse or reason or answers I just feel like I'm going backwards and I'm scared of how far back I may go....or a part of me is.
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Unread 05-07-2012, 03:27 PM   #9
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Hi thisisit, is there anything you can do to reduce your hours at work? You're running yourself ragged and don't have time for yourself. This is where a good therapist could help you through this time - but you need to make time for that. Your health - both mental and physical - are so important. Especially with everything going on and now the road your son is heading down on.

Please see what you can do about reducing your hours. 50+ hours a week leaves you no time to do anything else.

How much Suboxone do you bring to work with you? Maybe you can start by cutting that down, so you'll have some with you, but not what you're taking now. That might be something to think about.

Please let us know how you're doing, ok?

Nancy
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Unread 05-07-2012, 05:22 PM   #10
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hey thisisit- how about if you try B12 supplements to take during the day instead of extra suboxone. they really help with energy, and might help you. You just have those addictive behaviors getting the best of you , to self medicate when your feeling stressed, down, in pain, irritated etc.
I feel for you, and understand how you feel about your son. In the 2nd year of my recovery, my son started using pills, and it eventually lead to heroin. He is in remission now, thank God , for 4 months.
Anyways, seeing a therapist or counselor like Nancy said, is definately something you should look into. I read your posts and could feel the depression in them. And taking all that extra suboxone isnt helping, its probably amking it worse. Thats one of the side effects of too much medication. The more you take of the medicine when you dont need it, the worse you feel. Ive been taking the medicine for over 3 yrs, and I alternate between 1 and 2mg. I had 4 level cervical spine fusion a year and half ago, so I havent been able to taper off lke I planned originally.
Anyway, back to my original thought....the B12 is sublingual. You put it right under your tongue lke suboxone, and it gives you energy right away, within 15 minutes and maybe you will satisfy that craving to take more suboxone (that you dont need) and its healthy for you.
Give it a shot. And then think about helping your son. It will only escalate from here if hes using opiates, you know that.
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Unread 05-08-2012, 05:54 AM   #11
gotoffmdone
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I would not look at it as starting over. That would imply any and all progress you have made was for naught. You just got off track and need to get back on. Do not ever discount the progress you had made up to that point. Had you stopped Sub all together and resume taking your drug of choice IMO you would still not be starting from square one. Stumbling along the way is not anything to be shamed of especially when you realized it and are trying to straighten things back out and get back to where you once were. You are no where near starting from ground zero.

JMO
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