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Unread 07-26-2012, 12:58 PM   #1
Sugar
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Default Feeling Really Sad About My Life

You guys,

I just had to share where I'm at right now because I'm feeling dangerously low these days. I know it might be hard for some people to understand why I'm feeling so bad, but maybe not, so let me try to explain my situation to date.

I was raised in a middle class family and attended parochial school nearly my entire life, except for the senior year of high school, when I went to a public arts magnet school.

Alcoholism runs in my family, and I started drinking at arts school. I lost my virginity right before college and was a huge drinking mess during my freshman year. I actually got into a really prestigious school and had the chance of a lifetime, but ruined it by drinking and using. I was addicted to legal prescriptions at the time which I obtained by conning multiple doctors.

At this time, I got to go to New York City a lot and fell in love with how exciting it was.

At the end of the day, though, I got very sick from all of my addictions and eating disorders, plus my heart was still very much broken by the guy who took my virginity, and I was just a mess. So, I went back to my hometown.

I tried to get back into the program at the local university. They'd previously given me a full ride, but turned me down this time. I went for another degree at the same university and used state scholarship money.

I kept needing to withdraw for 3 consecutive semesters because of my alcoholism, addiction and eating disorders. I was still a total mess and completely suicidal. I started cutting myself. I know people make fun of the type of person I was. But it really was very sad. I hated myself and wanted to die.

Had a surgery to correct what I perceived to be a cosmetic defect. It didn't do much to better anything, except it hurt like crazy for at least a year.

I eventually got into heroin for only 30 days. Stuff went downhill fast. I left my apartment and moved back home. Went to rehab for the first and only time, partial hospitalization (I slept at my parents' at night). Went to see my grandparents everyday. I'd let my family down and I could feel it. I was a total loser. I drank everyday and still wished I was dead.

Got back into the university and, this time, I didn't withdraw from classes. I got on the Dean's List 4 semesters in a row. I maintained a GPA worthy of pride.

My personal life was a mess, however. I kept getting my heart broken and I was regularly drinking and using. I still felt like a loser - because I was! Regularly, I thought of ending my life. But I refused to cut myself anymore. I regretted ever cutting myself more than anything else in the entire world. It was one of the worst choices I believe I ever made, along with sleeping with people who were wrong for me. I wish I'd abstained from sex during my younger years and not cut myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Worst choices of my life because they exist to haunt me today.

Not saying I've slept with 20 guys or anything, but I was a very good girl throughout my younger years and it's not like I enjoyed the sex or anything. I was just looking for love and got used and abused in the process. It's depressing and completely embarrassing to me now.

Anyway, I finally made it through college, graduated with honors, had great internship experiences and relationships with my professors and fellow students. I went on to take an unpaid internship at a prestigious organization in a nearby, larger city. That year was quite good, but I was still drinking and using, and at the end of the internship, I did not get either of the jobs I applied for. Even so, my supervisors served as great references for my other job applications.

At this point, I'd had four internships in my field, and I'd worked a restaurant job for four consecutive years in a row. That's it. That's all I had.

For 6 months, I was unemployed. I worked at a temp agency and got back into drugs. Still, I felt hopeful that something would change.

I did eventually get a job in my field once the 6 months was up. Still living at home with my parents and using, I did excel at this job, although I was met with harsh criticism by my supervisors. I wasn't paid minimum wage (I was salaried for $16,000 per year after taxes, and worked at least 60 hours per week, if not more) and was not allowed time off. When I was sick, my boss called me from her cell phone to curse me and threaten me with termination. My colleagues regularly ridiculed me and ostracized me. I was treated like an outsider and I felt like one. But I was never fired. In fact, after a couple of years, I actually got a significant raise, much higher than the raises my colleagues received.

Prior to this raise, I'd gotten into Suboxone treatment and did very well. After 18 months, I was sub-free. I'd quit smoking cigarettes, too. During my Suboxone treatment, I did not drink. I was really quite healthy. All of this contributed to the significant raise and increase in quality of life and respect at work.

After sub treatment, the boss quit, one of my colleagues was promoted to her position, I started drinking and smoking pot on the daily, and I started getting treated very poorly at work again. My former colleague and current boss seemed jealous of me, which I never understood. My work had been praised by the former boss, although also exploited, and people say I'm gorgeous, intelligent and exceptionally talented. Remember, everyone else says this - not me.

My current boss took every opportunity to make me feel stupid, ugly and worthless. It doesn't take much for me to feel that way - I spend most of my time feeling like a loser. My drinking got worse. My almost-fiance and I decided to break up, and I moved into my own apartment, but we kept hanging out all of the time because we didn't know what else to do.

I kept taking on more and more responsibility at work, hoping for a promotion or a raise, but neither was forthcoming. My presence in the press (radio, TV and newspaper) was denied by my boss, although she put hers and others' names all over my work in the media. Each and every one of my co-workers was acknowledged in the press. I was the only one quite intentionally and obviously left out. Most of the time, my co-workers were putting their names, faces and quotes on MY work - by this time, I was the one pulling at least 60% of the company's workload and bringing in the majority of the budget! During major events, my colleagues would be sitting in the shade while I raced around making sure everything went smoothly. Naturally, they put their names on this work as well.

In the meantime, I'd taken trips to L.A. and New York multiple times, and saved $10,000 by living at home with my parents for a couple of years to use in the move to one of these areas of the country. My escape route! Life was going to be as I'd always dreamed it would be.

I also had surgery to remove some of the scars from my self-inflicted wounds, but unfortunately, that surgery was not a success and the way my scars look now is much worse.

I met a man last year and within a month started using regularly everyday. Spent the $10,000 I'd saved while living at home with my parents in 4 months on drugs. Had an erratic relationship with him filled with heartbreak - getting together, breaking up, getting together, breaking up, over and over again.

I'd lost everything. The only thing I didn't do wrong was lose my job or start smoking cigarettes.

I was still doing the majority of the work at my company. I got back into Suboxone treatment. Became very active in AA - got a sponsor and started working the steps. However, now living paycheck to paycheck, I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I recently took on additional responsibility and met someone during this new stage in my work life at this company who has put me up for an interview for a state job in the city in which I'd previously interned. I'm still very much in love with the man whom I've been seeing for the past year; in fact, our relationship is better and much more stable than ever before, although I think I will always struggle with heartbreak in relationships due to my sensitive nature and history of heartbreak.

At the same time of this new opportunity, my boss informed me that my job would be changing - I would no longer be responsible for everything: she admitted my job had become a "catch-all for the work no one else wanted to do". I was amazed that she admitted that, while at the same time furious that she'd never before tried to do a thing about it. She is now letting me focus on a particular set of job responsibilities and is willing to give me the opportunity to do professional development. All of the staff is also getting a raise; so, if I'm doing less work for more money, I consider that to be quite significant.

At last! What I've been dreaming of. But now - this state job opportunity! Will my Suboxone intake be a factor during the job screening? I think they will test me, since it is a state job. My reputation would be ruined, then.

What to do about the only man (other than my father and ex-almost-fiance) who has truly loved me? Will he stop loving me like my ex-fiance? Should I keep trying with him? Should I leave him for this new job?

I feel like no man has ever known who I was, yet loved me, anyway, the way this man has. Of course, I've always doubted whether or not he was really good for me. But at this point in my life, I'm in my thirties, I want to have a family, and I'm running out of time.

I have dreams of getting back to my artistic roots and I've been working on a number of projects. This new job would allow me the nights and weekends needed to see my dreams to fruition.

At the same time, again, I worry that I'm making a mistake by going to live on my own in a new city. I'm working on step four. What will I do if I can't see my support system everyday?

Yet, my current job will drive me to use again, if I stay here.

I'm going to miss my man terribly.

I feel so confused. Although this new job is a good thing, I'm worried that with my life history, I will mess this opportunity up just like all the others.

I'm feeling very, very sad and very, very scared. I'm sorry for the long post. I didn't know where else to talk about this stuff right now. I love AA, but I live in a small city where everybody knows everybody, and I've got a professional career to worry about.

Hope everyone is well.

Sugar
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Unread 07-27-2012, 07:48 AM   #2
NancyB
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Hi Sugar, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low and and scared. How far is the new job opportunity from where you are now? What does your man think about you moving? What are the pros and cons of the new job and the new city? From what you've told us, there seems to be more pros in moving than cons. Especially these two points:

"I have dreams of getting back to my artistic roots and I've been working on a number of projects. This new job would allow me the nights and weekends needed to see my dreams to fruition."

"Yet, my current job will drive me to use again, if I stay here."

Suboxone doesn't show up in a regular employment drug screen. They have to specifically test for it. And if they do specifically test for it, you have a valid prescription, so that shouldn't be a factor.

You can stay in touch with your current support system through phone calls, emails, texts while you find a new meeting in the new city and build a new support system.

Is it possible to have a long-distance relationship with your man - is the new city close enough to visit on weekends or meet halfway for dinner at times during the week - since you won't be working every night?

Is there anyone with whom you can talk with about this and get their unbiased feedback?

Moving and starting a new job can be a difficult and scary thing. But it can also be exciting and full of promise. Think long and hard about what you think would be best for you and the direction you want your life to head.

I wish only the best for you.

Nancy
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Unread 08-04-2012, 10:19 PM   #3
MandyMoon
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I am really glad that you decided to share this because it makes me feel like I'm not the only one. It's so hard to try to live up to others standards and constantly being let down in the process. If you ever feel this way again and need someone to talk to feel free to talk to me. I may not know everything, and I am very young but I may be able to provide some support and help you feel a little better about yourself. No one is not worth it, and everyone gets another chance. Always remember that!!
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