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Unread 04-28-2012, 07:09 PM   #1
LVB
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Unhappy Can't I just be honest for once?

First of all, I found this forum through a google search and I'm so glad I did! I've been pouring over posts recently and have found a wealth of information- this community seems very supportive and I could use some good, honest advice right now...

Here's it all, I'm coming clean:

I was put on Subutex in August 2010- after I found out I was 4-5 weeks pregnant. It was a series of events that lead to me finding out (calling in fake scripts, getting arrested, vowing to get clean, trying to get clean, couldn't handle the withdrawals so went to hospital, hospital ran routine pg test and discovered I was pregnant)- fortunatetly finding out I was pregnant helped me to stay strong- I found a sub doc and he started me on subutex- 16 mgs at first, then 20 mgs. I have stayed pretty consistently at 20 mgs....

I didn't really have any probs during pregnancy except occasional medical issues requiring (in my mind) extra pain med to control (gall bladder issues, severe root canal) and when I got those rxs I didn't take as directed but I didn't go crazy like I normally would've. I didn't crave it after they were gone, just stayed on my subutex.

Most months though I found myself taking more than my prescribed dose of subutex- usually an average of 24 mg. Because of this I ran out a few days early and always scrambled to make arrangements. My doctor was aware of this but wouldn't stop my rx because of pregnancy, just cautioned me to be careful with it and take as prescribed and that I needed to call him if I was thinking my dose wasn't working.

My beautiful baby boy was born in March 2011 at 37 weeks- he had a rough delivery (cord around his neck twice and stuck in my small pelvis) which required observation in NICU- I know it wasn't my fault and it could've happened to anyone, but I still felt guilty- it also made me afraid that he'd be in hospital and develop NAS and they'd take him away from me- so I didn't tell the hospital that I was on Subutex. (which I'm kind of glad I didn't because he had no NAS and I'm sure they would've invented NAS had they known the situation).

My son recovered quickly from his rough delivery but had mild jaundice so stayed 4 days in NICU- but he's done super well ever since- he's healthy, and so so happy and very advanced for his age (13 months now!). I've been really good about not drinking or messing around with other drugs at all during this time (opiates/tramadol was DOC, but when I couldn't get them I'd go bonkers on benzos or alcohol or weed) but still have been pretty bad about taking more suboxone (switched from -tex after his birth) than prescribed, usually treating stress or feeling like "something's missing" from my day.

Recently things have come to a head- I've started taking more and more (averaging 4 pills, then strips a day) so running out over a week early. I made up excuses as to why I needed to come to appt. early or refill early but now I've run out yet again and kinda had the plan to just "jump" and try to get off these dang pills that are both a lifesaver and risk for me...

I last took 18 mg on Thursday- so it's really only been 52 hours...I haven't felt physically bad yet but my anxiety/lethargy/depression are getting bad. I'm entertaining thoughts of using. I've been coming on here to keep me motivated and I'll feel strong for a while and then I'll get terrified of what's ahead for me and feel weak.

At the same time my sub dr (who knew I was possibly needing to come off because of insurance/payment issues) just left on vacation and I DO have an appt to see him next Friday, at which point I'll be 8 days out...

Part of me want to just be OFF and "really" clean, but I'm also scared sh*tless about it and being able to cope.

I'm 28 years old and have abused opiates for almost a decade. Didn't get really bad until I was about 21 or so. But since then the only sober time I'd had (prior to subs) was like, 11 days. I could never make it.

I can relate to other posters who say that subs/opiates make them "feel normal" and like everyone else.

Before I moved here and got pregnant I was at my worst (taking 65+ tramadol per day)- I lost 50 lbs and had been arrested a few times for forging scripts (first two times no charges were filed). My husband's been an enabler of sorts but is also passive aggressive and makes me feel bad for being so "weak" (he doesn't understand that you just can't WILL this away, he's getting better though as he reads online in support forums). One day I couldn't get any more pills and I went crazy (one of many times, but significant for the following): I took 100+ Benadryl while my husband was out with friends- he came home to me apparently in a stupor (I was still conscious but don't remember any of it). Apparently I came close to dying- my heart was going crazy. I was put on a 72 hour hold and released. Tried to stay sober and do an oupatient but it didn't laste more than 3 days or so (sobriety I mean). Then had another "attempt" and then another, one time with 40 Valium the other with 50 Benadryl and 20 Clonidine- I don't think they were suicide attempts so much as "I hate where I am so much that maybe I'll **** myself up enough that someone will care and save me" (I know, so much wrong with that thinking)...I finally was in psychiatric inpatient for 41 days (mostly because I had a root canal go bad and had to be given pain meds during that time so they kept me in to monitor me while I took them). While there my husband made the decision to leave me. Once I found that out I left treatment and he still left with everything of value and I had him drop me at a friend's on his way out (a friend I met in the psych ward). I stayed there and spiraled more out of control- met up with another friend I met at psych ward and he introduced me to Somas, Ativan, fentanyl patches, weed, heavy alcohol abuse, etc. It was a screwed up time.

Then my husband decided me made a mistake and wanted to come back so he did and we started working on things (as much as I could being inebriated all the time)- we were broke and homeless and were staying in a crap hotel and I was taken to the ER twice for alcohol poisoning during that time (I don't remember it) That was when my mom said to come live with her and she'd help me find the help I need. Shortly after we came here I was arrested and found out I was pregnant and then was Saved for the most part, by intensive outpatient treatment, stabilization on anti-depressants, and sub.

IDK why I'm telling you all this except to give back story.

I'm scared of: being so crazy from withdrawals that I can't properly care for my son. His wellbeing means EVERYTHING to me. I worry that because I'm too lethargic to care for him he won't be fed or taken care of as well as he deserves- I'm sure I could keep him alive- but I want to make sure he's stimulated and fed properly and given good experiences. How can I do that in withdrawal?

Anyways so my dr now knows that I am trying to come off and called in Trazadone for me to take for sleep- I haven't needed it yet. According to the pharmacy and him I should have enough sub to last until May 19th or so- that's how much extra I took. Once I'd made the decision to try and stop (when I got this last rx filled) I was supposed to use them to try and taper but instead I was an idiot and blew through them even faster- addict-style. IDK why, it's not like they helped much (placebo?) but ever-present on my mind was that these were my last and I was gonna have to go through the dreaded withdrawal.

What should I do? Stick with it?

I've been looking into meetings and found that because my area is so rural I can only find meetings (AA, no NA within 40 miles) twice a week- once a week in the town I live and the other is a 20 min drive.

Can you bring your kids to AA/NA? I don't have much support at all- my mom and stepdad are 50 minutes away, as are the few friends/acquaintances I've made here. Hubs works 45-50 hrs/week and has lots of responsibility at work so he can't just take sick time or anythign whenever he wants (learned how hard it is for him a few months ago when I caught a debilitating stomach flu and needed him home but he couldn't leave work for hours- it was awful!) So there's not really anyone to help me with my little one. I suppose my parents would be willing to take him for a day or two, but then I'm afraid I'd just miss him terribly

I don't know what to do- I need someone to help me figure this all out- It's not just my life at stake, it's my child's. I HAVE to do the right thing for him- and for me.

Thanks for reading my super-long novella!
LVB
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Unread 04-28-2012, 09:14 PM   #2
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Hi LVB, welcome. Stopping at 18mg isn't recommended, so just be prepared that it may not be very easy. As far as NA/AA meetings and kids, you'd have to try and find a contact for the meeting and see what they have to say.

Did you go to counseling while you were taking Suboxone? It seems as though you never got the addictive behaviors under control and continued those behaviors with Suboxone. Addiction is behavior - the uncontrollable, compulsive behavior despite negative consequences. That is what needs to be addressed. You took more Suboxone to try to self-medicate - despite negative consequences (running out early). You really need to learn tools to utilize so you don't self medicate.

As far as what you should do, I think that you need to discuss this with your husband and your parents. If you end up in severe withdrawals, you will need help. Your son will need to be taken care of. Yes, you may miss him, but at least you know he will be taken care of if you're unable to.

18mg is not an amount that Suboxone should be stopped at. Is it at all possible to get another prescription and get into counseling - actually get treatment instead of misusing the Suboxone? You could have your husband hold the medication so you would only take it once in the morning. Then you will have a better chance of tapering down and off and then living life without cravings. This is a good thread that explains the phases of treatment:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=23809

Let us know what you think.

Nancy
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Unread 04-28-2012, 09:55 PM   #3
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Thank you for the quick reply...

During my pregnancy I completed (graduated from) intensive outpatient treatment- started at 4 days a week, then 3,2,1. Unfortunately the group was not very helpful to me- most people were there for meth use and were in the criminal underworld that I have never been a part of (not dissing it just saying I had a hard time relating) A lot of the therapy was based on them getting their lives' back in order- finding a job, ditching drug friends, etc. There wasn't much towards relapse prevention or anything. I was the first patient my counselor had who had ever taken Subs and while she was a nice lady, I don't feel like I got anything out of my time there, except a daily reminder to stay clean. I feel like I need tools to help me, but don't know where to get them. In many ways I feel like a hopeless case- that I've been given so many chances and I just blew them.

My husband did hold my medication for me- but I would pester him for more, or just search for where he had hidden it and then take it when I found it. This wasn't everyday, but probably more often than not.

I do feel that this recent situation has been a shocking reminder of just how close to the surface my addiction is- and that I can't mess around.

How bad is the w/d if I'm coming off c/t from such a high dose? I mean, will I go bonkers like I have when coming off tramadol? That shit was no joke- it was awful. My biggest concern is the rampant anxiety and panic that I feel when in w/d- and of course going days without sleep.

Already I feel the body "zings" and cold/hot is coming and going, as well as periodic nausea. I also alternate between feeling like I can DO this and I'm scared out of my freaking mind to do this!

I'm just trying to get through the weekend right now. If I can make it to Monday then I can at least call my sub dr's office- supposedly they can still reach him while he's on vacation- I don't know what he'll/they'll say about it though.

I get the feeling that I'm NOT ready to jump off. I've never done so well in my life, even with the issues of self-medicating with the sub.

My depression also gets way out of control when I start w/d's and that scares me-

I'm also afraid to reach out to some resources out of fear that they'll take my son away. This is my biggest fear and I know that it's mostly an unreasonable one since I'm not doing the types of things to put him at risk, but if my w/d gets bad enough I can't help but thinking "what if..." ya know?

What kind of therapy should I try? One on one? CBT? I feel like I still have never figured out WHY I started abusing pills in the first place (it seems like for so long I'd just still take them to avoid withdrawal, but also of course bcause I loved the feeling -and the weight loss)

Sigh...IDK....

Thanks for responding

Extra: And I usually would take the sub in the morning- but I would notice that around the afternoon I would feel that 'antsy' feeling like I needed to take something- that would persist until I did, or sometimes it would go away in the evening. Idk if that helps to glean insight into my state of mind as well...
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Unread 04-29-2012, 09:48 AM   #4
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Hi LVB, withdrawals are very individual - what may be really bad for some, is very manageable for others, so there is no way to predict how your withdrawals will be. Tramadol has a whole different set of circumstances regarding withdrawals. There are people who have had seizures taking a lot of tramadol and some who have had seizures when they stop. Do you have any comfort meds such as immodium for the stomach issues and melatonin, benedryl, valerian root for sleep? Hylands Restful Legs has worked for a bunch of people for the restless legs at night.

Since you never really addressed the addiction, the afternoon antsy feeling may have been because you were used to taking something throughout the day. That could be addressed with therapy. As to what kind, CBT could be helpful. Here's a link that has some links you might be interested in:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=22482

Have you thought about asking your doctor for a referral to therapist?

How are you doing today?

Nancy
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Unread 04-29-2012, 10:21 AM   #5
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Nancy is giving you lots of good info, so I will make this short and tell you my opinion. You need to stay on suboxone, you will relapse if you dont have it. You still have way to many old behaviors, and your brain has not had a chance to heal. I feel like you have anxiety issues. Have you ever tryied an anti-anxiety(non narcotic) or depression medication? sustance abusers/addcits have a high rate of mental disorder, that is why they try to self medicate with their drug of choice that makes them feel better.
Just start with baby steps. Dont take extra sub for ONE day, and then TWO. It will empower you to be able to do it. You have had a rough way to go for a while, so give yourself some time. Unfortunately addiction is a life long disease, it never goes away. Yes, we can put it into remission, but we have to learn many coping skills to keep it away. And you havent reached that point yet.
I wish you the best, and please consider staying on suboxone, to keep you out of active addiction. Work on taking less, talk to your doctor and tell the truth. the truth will set you free, just like you came here and told us
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Unread 04-29-2012, 11:00 AM   #6
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I am so glad you found this a safe place to come and tell the truth. I can relate to a lot that you said. My biggest fear is not being able to take care of my children in withdrawal. I have made the decision to stay on suboxone maintenance. I live a healthy, productive and happy life. I do not have to live in fear of withdrawal and how to come up with the money to buy something to keep me "normal". I too get that you want to be clean for real but please look at the big picture. I know for me when I am in withdrawal all I think about is how to stop the horrible depression, anxiety and sickness. As much as I love my children at that point I am only looking to fell "normal". I think you should go back to the doctor and try suboxone again but like Nancy suggested give it to your husband to hold. Tell him no matter what not to give you more. Try therapy, NA, AA or what ever you can and then SLOWLY taper down when you are truly ready. It isn't just about you any more. You have a child to properly care for. If you can get back on the suboxone come here for support. Tell us when you want to take more and maybe just sharing the feelings will help you succeed in not over medicating. All of us here understand addiction and this is a safe place to come. We will not judge you. I just wanted to reach out to you. Like I said on maintenance I can live a normal life. Best of all my children have a Mom who is availbale and is able to show love and provide a safe loving home. Good luck in what ever you decide.
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Unread 04-29-2012, 05:31 PM   #7
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Thank you for your replies.

This morning I've struggled with some anxiety and lack of appetite and occasionally some panic. My husband is off work today and helped with the little one while I slept in- which was nice but I'm also terrified about being alone tomorrow because I know these symptoms are getting worse.

I do feel like I should stay on Subs. But I also can't afford $460 a month (I'm not eligible for medicaid anymore but haven't told them I'm not eligible so I technically still have coverage)...

I'm thinking of calling the sub dr office tomorrow and telling them that I think I should restart- but then I could see them just saying "well then start your rx again" and then what, "I don't have it I took it all"? How's THAT gonna sound? Especially with my dr out of town so they might be able to reach him but it's not like I can go see him or anything...

I wonder if my dose was actually too high? I wonder if I can actually get by on 8mg? Cost wise it'd be good.

I'm just really scared- I have to find a way to get back on. I have outside pressure from my parents to get off this stuff- in fact my mom said she'd help me pay for it but only if I was coming off it. She said she can't support me being on it long term. She doesn't see that I'm "clean" right now (considering this is the best I've ever done, present problems including, I think I'm doing pretty DAMN good)

I am currently on 150 mg Zoloft. I think it helps because my depression has been pretty under control, but anziety I guess hasn't been.

I will be asking for therapy referrals tomorrow and getting on that ASAP. I talked to my mom and she said she could "try" to help watch my baby while I go.

Thanks again for the support, and I feel so much better knowing you can relate to me, Littlescared. Thank you.

Here's to making it through the day!
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Unread 04-30-2012, 08:14 AM   #8
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Hi LVB, if you don't have insurance, you can check and see if you're eligible for the manufacturer's free med program and then ask your doctor if he has an open slot.
http://www.needymeds.org/drug_list.t...&name=Suboxone

Here are some other ways to save, including a link to the clinical trials site:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=26463

It's hard to say if your dose was too high because you never really seemed to stabilize on one dose. If you can get another prescription, you start at 2mg, wait an hour or so for full effect of the medication, see how your withdrawals and cravings are and take 2mg if needed, etc. until your symptoms are gone. With Suboxone, the best dose is the lowest that stops cravings and withdrawals. Anything more can exacerbate side effects and is a waste because there is no added effect - that's the ceiling effect of the buprenorphine. The ceiling is thought to be between 8 and 12 mg. Everyone is different, so it can't be pinpointed.

As for your parents, do they see you as continuing your active addiction with the Suboxone because you take more when it's not needed? If you could get stable on one dose and go to therapy, maybe that would make a difference to them. Here are some links that might be helpful in educating them:

About addiction in general:
http://www.hbo.com/addiction/underst...addiction.html

About Suboxone:
http://www.hbo.com/addiction/thefilm...segment_6.html
http://www.naabt.org/education.cfm
http://buprenorphine.samhsa.gov/

But I think you'd have to make the commitment to get stable on one dose and engage in a full treatment program to show them that you are wanting to become addiction-free.

Let us know how you're doing when you can.

Nancy
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Unread 04-30-2012, 09:22 AM   #9
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Thanks, Nancy- you have some good points.

My parents don't know that I have been taking more than prescribed.

I'm actually feeling ok this morning- I put it in my head to try and make it through till today and I felt really yucky yesterday afternoon but started feeling better around 7pm and did ok- didn't get a lot of sleep but got some and didn't wake up all panicky and in withdrawals like I expected.

Not sure what to do at this point- if I can stabilize at or below 8 mg I can afford the medication. I can't afford 20mg- but for the moment I still have coverage but need to switch over eventually.

Thanks again
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Unread 04-30-2012, 09:54 AM   #10
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And I very much am committed to working on my addiction. I think I got too complacent in my recovery and neglected the steps I needed to take to address my underlying behaviors.

I am going to be trying to set up counseling and other treatment options today.

Wish me luck.
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Unread 05-01-2012, 01:37 AM   #11
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If you can, get back on suboxone and try and work on yourself-Suboxone will allow this to happen by holding off WD's. Take your time and get as much outside help as possible. I was at 16mg when i started but when I made my first downward drops, I felt nothing in the way of WD's it was not until I got below say 3mg that any untoward feelings came then mild in nature.16, 14,12,10 and even 8mg should hold off WD in 99% of the case's (in my opinion) So if 8mg is all you can get then try it!

You can do this just do not make rash decisions and go slow

God bless

Glen
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Unread 05-01-2012, 03:03 AM   #12
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Thanks Glen for the encouraging words.

I did call the dr's office and told them I didn't think I could come off- (didn't tell them I over-took the meds though) so they got a hold of him and he said I could either try clonidine or try a low dose of sub till my appt. fri- so they gave me 10 2mg pills and I'm to take it twice a day. the nurse said it might not take all my symptoms away but it should help till I talk to him friday...

I did take it as prescribed and the withdrawals started going away. I did however take a third 2mg and instantly regretted it. But it wasn't because I 'wanted' to take something, I was trying to get a handle on the withdrawals. I'm hoping that the 6 mg today will be enough to keep me thinking straight for the next few days.

I DO have that little devil on my shoulder telling me "go ahead, take a few more, it can't hurt, can it? and who knows, it might make you feel better"

I did resist this voice a number of times, and I've been reaffirming to myself that LESS is more with subs and that I can do it on this lower dose- my withdrawals are gone at this point so I definitely feel better.

I gave the bottle to my husband and told him I'm sorry for what I've put him through and that I'm really gonna be working on taking it as prescribed. Each time I have a temptation to take more I'm going to come on here and vent (if that's ok with you all)

Maybe then I can get your insight into why I'm feeling like taking more...

Funny thing too: I got pulled over for speeding on my way to the pharmacy to get the sub- was going a little fast (it's country roads) and the county deputy felt it necessary to make veiled threats about charging me with child endangerment- all because I had my child in the car! It was kind of ridiculous- I wasn't even going all that fast, just faster than the po-dunk people out here are used to (75- good driving conditions, straight road, etc)...so yeah, he gave me a scare because he was in his car running my name for awhile and of course I'm thinking immediately back to my arrest 18 months ago (misdemeanor charge dismissed via completion of mental health court) and thinking he's gonna be giving me a hard time because of it or something....but he was actually much nicer when he came back (except for giving me a ticket grrr lol)

Just made me think about how I used to be so scared of cops, what with all my illicit "activities" and it was actually nice to not panic when I saw him pull me over- I knew I had done nothing wrong (speeding aside) and had nothing to hide. It was a good feeling!
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Unread 05-01-2012, 04:53 PM   #13
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I write in a journal.. Seems to help me a lil bit. I think your making the right choice.. Stay strong!!
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Unread 05-02-2012, 07:54 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LVB View Post
First of all, I found this forum through a google search and I'm so glad I did! I've been pouring over posts recently and have found a wealth of information- this community seems very supportive and I could use some good, honest advice right now...

Here's it all, I'm coming clean:

I was put on Subutex in August 2010- after I found out I was 4-5 weeks pregnant. It was a series of events that lead to me finding out (calling in fake scripts, getting arrested, vowing to get clean, trying to get clean, couldn't handle the withdrawals so went to hospital, hospital ran routine pg test and discovered I was pregnant)- fortunatetly finding out I was pregnant helped me to stay strong- I found a sub doc and he started me on subutex- 16 mgs at first, then 20 mgs. I have stayed pretty consistently at 20 mgs....

I didn't really have any probs during pregnancy except occasional medical issues requiring (in my mind) extra pain med to control (gall bladder issues, severe root canal) and when I got those rxs I didn't take as directed but I didn't go crazy like I normally would've. I didn't crave it after they were gone, just stayed on my subutex.

Most months though I found myself taking more than my prescribed dose of subutex- usually an average of 24 mg. Because of this I ran out a few days early and always scrambled to make arrangements. My doctor was aware of this but wouldn't stop my rx because of pregnancy, just cautioned me to be careful with it and take as prescribed and that I needed to call him if I was thinking my dose wasn't working.

My beautiful baby boy was born in March 2011 at 37 weeks- he had a rough delivery (cord around his neck twice and stuck in my small pelvis) which required observation in NICU- I know it wasn't my fault and it could've happened to anyone, but I still felt guilty- it also made me afraid that he'd be in hospital and develop NAS and they'd take him away from me- so I didn't tell the hospital that I was on Subutex. (which I'm kind of glad I didn't because he had no NAS and I'm sure they would've invented NAS had they known the situation).

My son recovered quickly from his rough delivery but had mild jaundice so stayed 4 days in NICU- but he's done super well ever since- he's healthy, and so so happy and very advanced for his age (13 months now!). I've been really good about not drinking or messing around with other drugs at all during this time (opiates/tramadol was DOC, but when I couldn't get them I'd go bonkers on benzos or alcohol or weed) but still have been pretty bad about taking more suboxone (switched from -tex after his birth) than prescribed, usually treating stress or feeling like "something's missing" from my day.

Recently things have come to a head- I've started taking more and more (averaging 4 pills, then strips a day) so running out over a week early. I made up excuses as to why I needed to come to appt. early or refill early but now I've run out yet again and kinda had the plan to just "jump" and try to get off these dang pills that are both a lifesaver and risk for me...

I last took 18 mg on Thursday- so it's really only been 52 hours...I haven't felt physically bad yet but my anxiety/lethargy/depression are getting bad. I'm entertaining thoughts of using. I've been coming on here to keep me motivated and I'll feel strong for a while and then I'll get terrified of what's ahead for me and feel weak.

At the same time my sub dr (who knew I was possibly needing to come off because of insurance/payment issues) just left on vacation and I DO have an appt to see him next Friday, at which point I'll be 8 days out...

Part of me want to just be OFF and "really" clean, but I'm also scared sh*tless about it and being able to cope.

I'm 28 years old and have abused opiates for almost a decade. Didn't get really bad until I was about 21 or so. But since then the only sober time I'd had (prior to subs) was like, 11 days. I could never make it.

I can relate to other posters who say that subs/opiates make them "feel normal" and like everyone else.

Before I moved here and got pregnant I was at my worst (taking 65+ tramadol per day)- I lost 50 lbs and had been arrested a few times for forging scripts (first two times no charges were filed). My husband's been an enabler of sorts but is also passive aggressive and makes me feel bad for being so "weak" (he doesn't understand that you just can't WILL this away, he's getting better though as he reads online in support forums). One day I couldn't get any more pills and I went crazy (one of many times, but significant for the following): I took 100+ Benadryl while my husband was out with friends- he came home to me apparently in a stupor (I was still conscious but don't remember any of it). Apparently I came close to dying- my heart was going crazy. I was put on a 72 hour hold and released. Tried to stay sober and do an oupatient but it didn't laste more than 3 days or so (sobriety I mean). Then had another "attempt" and then another, one time with 40 Valium the other with 50 Benadryl and 20 Clonidine- I don't think they were suicide attempts so much as "I hate where I am so much that maybe I'll **** myself up enough that someone will care and save me" (I know, so much wrong with that thinking)...I finally was in psychiatric inpatient for 41 days (mostly because I had a root canal go bad and had to be given pain meds during that time so they kept me in to monitor me while I took them). While there my husband made the decision to leave me. Once I found that out I left treatment and he still left with everything of value and I had him drop me at a friend's on his way out (a friend I met in the psych ward). I stayed there and spiraled more out of control- met up with another friend I met at psych ward and he introduced me to Somas, Ativan, fentanyl patches, weed, heavy alcohol abuse, etc. It was a screwed up time.

Then my husband decided me made a mistake and wanted to come back so he did and we started working on things (as much as I could being inebriated all the time)- we were broke and homeless and were staying in a crap hotel and I was taken to the ER twice for alcohol poisoning during that time (I don't remember it) That was when my mom said to come live with her and she'd help me find the help I need. Shortly after we came here I was arrested and found out I was pregnant and then was Saved for the most part, by intensive outpatient treatment, stabilization on anti-depressants, and sub.

IDK why I'm telling you all this except to give back story.

I'm scared of: being so crazy from withdrawals that I can't properly care for my son. His wellbeing means EVERYTHING to me. I worry that because I'm too lethargic to care for him he won't be fed or taken care of as well as he deserves- I'm sure I could keep him alive- but I want to make sure he's stimulated and fed properly and given good experiences. How can I do that in withdrawal?

Anyways so my dr now knows that I am trying to come off and called in Trazadone for me to take for sleep- I haven't needed it yet. According to the pharmacy and him I should have enough sub to last until May 19th or so- that's how much extra I took. Once I'd made the decision to try and stop (when I got this last rx filled) I was supposed to use them to try and taper but instead I was an idiot and blew through them even faster- addict-style. IDK why, it's not like they helped much (placebo?) but ever-present on my mind was that these were my last and I was gonna have to go through the dreaded withdrawal.

What should I do? Stick with it?

I've been looking into meetings and found that because my area is so rural I can only find meetings (AA, no NA within 40 miles) twice a week- once a week in the town I live and the other is a 20 min drive.

Can you bring your kids to AA/NA? I don't have much support at all- my mom and stepdad are 50 minutes away, as are the few friends/acquaintances I've made here. Hubs works 45-50 hrs/week and has lots of responsibility at work so he can't just take sick time or anythign whenever he wants (learned how hard it is for him a few months ago when I caught a debilitating stomach flu and needed him home but he couldn't leave work for hours- it was awful!) So there's not really anyone to help me with my little one. I suppose my parents would be willing to take him for a day or two, but then I'm afraid I'd just miss him terribly

I don't know what to do- I need someone to help me figure this all out- It's not just my life at stake, it's my child's. I HAVE to do the right thing for him- and for me.

Thanks for reading my super-long novella!
LVB

Wow,,your story hit home in a few places!,,Ive been on sub since 04 when i was also placed on a 72 hr hold and sent to the nut hut,,you can read my story "hard times",to give you an idea of where im commin from,,but one thing i need to tell you is STOP TAAking more than you need!!,,iT WONT EVER BRING BACK THE GOOD FEELING WE EXPERIENCED IN THE BEGINING,,its just wasting meds you may need down the line if you attempt a taper off sub for whatever reason,,try and have a back up,,i went straight from 24 to 16 to 4 mgs and didnt feel any difference,,as long as it keeps the cravings away ,,then its doin its job,,and after awhile thats all its gonna do for you,,it wont make you feel better if some event is commin up and in the old days you would take more of whatever opiate you were using.,, sub dont work that way,,you can take 4 to 8 mgs and feel the same or better than if you took more.
I was placed on the 72 hr hold cause they thought i was commitin suicide cause i had just been i a coma for 30 days and actually died,http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/1...rs60060qo3.jpg almost pulled the plug,,but to go and use after that they figured i was suicidle ,or nuts or whatever,,but ive been on sub since 04 with a couple set backs,(relapses),,my home was taken by a tornado,,my wife of 20 yrs died,,i had the excuses i needed to relapse,,but i domnt want that life,,and niether do you,,you think your alone in how you feel?,,your not,,i am just now breakin out of my seclusion after losing my wife and im gonna start a pt. 2 of Tattoo Tommy,,gonna give life another try,,and so can you,,dont just think your alone with those messed up thoughts,,I tried for 2 yrs to find a loop hole so i could commit suicide,,but there wertent any cause i have two teenage daughters and a 1yr old grandbaby,,so i have to toughen up and try again,,and so do you!,,Ok?,,If i can do it you can too!
Tattoo Tommy

Last edited by So.Cal.; 05-02-2012 at 08:02 PM..
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Unread 05-02-2012, 11:25 PM   #15
bizzby45
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you need to stay on the subs, at this point the subs arent the problem -its the disease. You havent put in the work required to maintain sobriety and without sub you arent going to be sober at this point if you arent working a program, so the best bet is to not put yourself through the pain and possible relapse of withdrawals and to stay on the sub and get into some kind of program. Everyone is different and everyone likes different programs, some people like NA, some like AA, some like counseling, some like group counseling....whats important is that you make this change and understand that you have to make this change in order to stay sober and in order to be there for yourself and your family. I know that I am not a 12 step person but i do have friends that do the 12 step program religiously and i go to a couple meetings a month in addition to counseling. The meetings help because they give you a network that will hold you accountable if you dissappear and relapse or start acting shady. You need to surround yourself with some people that can understand what is going on and that can hold you accountable and help you to understand this disease and how to handle it. My boyfriend can talk to me about some of the issues related to this disease but its not my perogative to dump on him because he really cant fully understand the extent of what goes on in my head when im craving or when i just want to process something that happened. anyways, keep coming to this site, this site has been an amazing tool in my recovery but you also need to get out and put in the work to maintain sobriety.
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Unread 05-03-2012, 05:36 AM   #16
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I just want to say from reading your story that you are most definitely still on this planet for a reason. You just need to find what that reason is. With all that you have taken and taken at once you are a miracle of sorts. The baby nor anyone or anything else will be why you get it together. You will have to do that for you. It sounds to me as if Sub may not be for you. In your case you are just substituting one opiate for another. But that can change. It cannot be a physical thing as you have stated it does nothing for you to take the extra Sub. That according to you it is a placebo type of effect. The psychological part of what you are dealing with can be worse than the physical. You are going to have to taper your Sub. Jumping at the dose you have been taking will hit you eventually. The physical wds will not be as intense as other opiates could be but the depression and dysphouria is not a pleasant experience and can linger. Somehow you have to hold out until you can get back to the Dr and do eveything in your power to take the same dose and get stable. Then start weening. And you may have to make finding some support outside the internet a priority. You cannot do this alone. Sub is your last line of defense medication wise to stop your addictive behavior. Its imperative you makle it work for you or find a way to abstain from all drugs.

I don't envy you. You have a lot on your plate and I wish you the best and that you come to find your true purpose because it is obvious you have one to fulfill.

wayne
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Unread 05-06-2012, 10:06 AM   #17
littlescared
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I just read that you called your doctor and started back on soboxone. I am so happy you are feeling better. Great idea having your husband hold your meds if that is what it takes to get stable again. Please come here and vent when you want to take more, give up, use and also come here when you are having good days. You will give hope to others that are struggling. I hope now that you are feeling better you can take a moment and enjoy your baby. You can do this. You are not alone in this struggle. I will check in in your thread to see how you are doing.
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