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Unread 01-08-2017, 04:58 AM   #43
soapdish
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Posts: 371
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Hi

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my thread. I am sorry that you and those other boys were victims and I appreciate you sharing your experience here with me.

There is a lot of wisdom in your writing.

The thing is, if I follow my heart, I will write a letter to him. I will go to visit him and I will never let go. So I don't trust my heart. I don't want to listen to my gut anymore. The feeling of betrayal and that this is my fault resurfaces. So I think I have to ignore my heart for a little while. I need to detach emotionally and just keep repeating that it was the right thing, the only thing to do.
So I will listen to my head and try to be intelligent instead of an emotional wreck.

Damn right about the whatifs being shackles! You write beautifully and I really appreciated the metaphor.

Since I came back from England I've been smoking a lot of pot. I realise that this is a rubbish idea but it has helped me have an appetite and to sleep, even if I've just been crashing on the sofa.

I realise that this is rather self-,destructive and not the way forward so I'm not going to buy anymore.

I just keep chewing over everything that's happened -ruminating- as a way to digest it. Hence writing down all these thoughts here and smoking pot. I'm trying to get it out if my systen. Rereading my posts I see that I'm just going around in circles.
But it's like I need to keep working through my thoughts until I'm exhausted and bored of thinking about it and then I can stop and let go.
I'm nearly there.
Now I have to be more active in quashing the negative thoughts and staying strong. When I can think about the situation with emotional detachment and clarity, I will know what to do and how to behave.

Thanks so much for listening to me!
Have a lovely Sunday
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Thank You (01-08-2017)