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Unread 12-18-2016, 03:35 AM   #1
Senior Member
Posts: 371
Unhappy Called the police

Hello, thank you for reading. I just need to vent. Maybe somebody else has been in my situation.
Last night my boyfriend came home drunk and so I refused to let him in and I locked him out. After insults and threats, he broke the door and tried to force entry in. I defended the door and called the police.
He has spent the night in a cell and I went to the station last night to give a statement of what happened. He hasn't come back yet, which is strange and I am so worried.
I locked him out because we have had a turbulent relationship for 3 years. His drinking has resulted in him physically beating me and terrifying me in the past (several times) but I have always forgiven him the next day on the condition that he packs in the drink. He hasn't packed it in and 3 saturdays in a row he's been drunk. Three weeks ago he was so drunk he was vomitting on his back and I literally saved his life. Next morning "sorry sorry sorry, never again"; ok but this time it has to be for real...but no. He hasn't even been trying to quit. So last night I felt scared and didn't want to let him in.
I have had an alcohol problem in the past too and I feel like I am too weak to send him away but I know it is dangerous for me to stay with him.
I just feel so upset for him. I know he made the choice to drink. He chose to break my door down. He chose not to stop when I said I'd call the police but I feel so sad for him.
He has destroyed his life. I want to tell him to get his stuff and go but I know that he has nowhere to go. He has no job and no money. Where will he go? Under a bridge to sleep in the fog, below 0 temperatures? He'll just cultivate hatred for me.
I can't stay with him. I can't forgive him yet again because he will never stop drinking if I do and it's only a matter of time before something even worse happens.
But I don't have a heart of stone. I can't bear to see him destroyed. He is so messed up.
I also worry that if I kick him out, he will be back to stalk me. If he's in a situation where he has nothing to lose, that could be very dangerous for me. I don't know what to do.
I feel so guilty and bad about last night. I feel like I've made things worse but I also feel like he left me no choice but to involve the police.
Nobody knows anything. Only the neighbours saw him being dragged away, shouting and crying. My parents don't know anything. They live in tge UK, I am in Italy. I have no friends, just aquaintances. I feel like I'm hiding a terrible secret. I feel sick thinking about him in the cell. Thinking about what will happen to him now. I hate myself so much and I think I am so stupid and dangerous too. He is deeply in love with me even if it's a warped kind of possessive love. I am 10 years older than him and I feel like this is all on me. I have enabled him too many times, for too long and I am too soft and easily manipulated. If he cries and begs I always give in. I want to help him but I think I am killing him.
I am so so sad right now.
Thank you for a place to share.
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