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Unread 09-03-2014, 11:20 AM   #9
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Posts: 10

Originally Posted by Saved by sub View Post
Sestra, thank you!! It's so hard to let go, isn't? It's crazy how fast drugs and alcohol can change someone so much. Is she your only sibling? I have a younger sister that's 2 years younger (37) who has started drinking to deal with her guilt over not being there for our older sister when she was alive. I come from a family of alcoholics. I don't drink and have no desire to. Pain pills is how I numbed my pain but I've been off them for about 8 years.

You are stronger than I ever was and I went through 10 years of therapy. I was never able to detach from my family the way you did. I enabled my sister and let her take advantage of me because she knew She was my weakness and that I would never let her kids go without. Like you, I have an amazing, supportive husband who is the only stable and healthy relationship I've ever had. Has your sister ever made any attempts to get better? That's great that you had a good visit with your dad! Me too. He just left 2 days ago. I was telling my therapist how good it feels to have taken my power back from him. I use to fear him and it made physically sick to be around him. Then it clicked... I'm an adult and he can't hurt me anymore! So aside from the fact that he drank non stop, we had a good visit. How close are your dad and and sister? Are you older than her? How long has it been since you've spoken to her?

It's been almost 3 years since my sister passed.. It took me by surprise at how much of my identity was wrapped up in her. I dream about her a lot. I knew she was going to die before I even found out she was sick. No one would believe me. They said I was being dramatic.
I have another half-sister who's 44 now. She was nice to me as a kid, & growing up, (the few times she was around, cuz she lived far away) but we're kind of strangers. And to my understanding, she has had addiction problems most of her life too. She was sort of raised by my dad in her early years, who treated her very differently. (Her own dad was wealthy & she lived a pretty privileged life, but according to my mom, he was extremely abusive, at least to my mom. I never met the guy. My mom was married 4 times)

I remember once when I was in my late teens I started talking to her on the phone, & I confided in her about what my dad was like. She refused to believe that my dad (who was VERY nice to her all of her life) would ever hit me or mom, or anyone. So of course I still love my half-sister, but we're not that close. She barely knows me at this point. Same goes for my half-brother. He's past 50. His really bad. I feel like I don't have a brother anymore anyway.

As a baby, he was really sweet, & much older than me, about 23 years. (My mom was past 40 when she had me, I was her last child, & my brother was her 1st, she had him at 16) So anyway, my brother wasn't around most of my life, but his life growing up was really hard. He was into drugs & alcohol too. I never saw him again until I was about 17. So a good 12 years of never seeing him, but when he came to visit once, it was kind of shocking. He was like a bum. He stank, most of his teeth were missing, & he was so thin & gaunt. I knew he was still using. A violent incident happened, & my mom banished him.

A few years later, he visits AGAIN, this time with a baby. (This isn't pleasant) he impregnated an underage girl-- a girl younger than ME (also a methhead) they basically had a crack-baby together. Of course they're relationship was going down the sh**ter, but yet another incident happened, he tried to go back to her, they fought, & he took the baby away, cops were called cuz he had the baby in his truck with him, AND a gun. I remember we all sat next to the phone, waiting for the call to see if someone died. (He was out of town when this was happening, it was so sudden, but we called the cops, & they eventually called us back saying he was arrested) From then on, I knew I didn't have a brother. I feel bad for the baby though, but it wasn't our problem. (As cold as that sounds) If I remember right, the baby ended up with a grandparent.

Amazingly, when I visited with my dad recently, I couldn't believe dad heard about my brother--the girl my brother had a baby with was apparently murdered by another guy she was having an affair with, & then this man killed himself. My brother has the baby now, & I have no idea what's to become of either of them. But I can only pray he's OFF drugs. This vicious cycle continues.

I also know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling so scared of your dad that you feel physically ill. My dad had that exact same effect on me. I'd get so sick to my stomach. I still have a bad habit of getting nervous when the car pulls up. (My HUSBAND'S car pulling up, it's ridiculous) My heart used to stop, I'd check the windows, & see if my dad was either drinking or looked high, & braise myself. Some days he would come home & the moment the door opened, the abuse began. If he had a bad day, that means I'm going to pay for it. I still constantly ask my husband: Are you ok? Are you mad? Are you mad? Did I do something wrong?

I'm sorry these details are shocking, but this is regarding my siblings. But in reality, it's more like my sister is my only real sibling, even though we no longer speak. She's 3 years older, she's 30. We haven't spoken in about 3 years, & barely spoke for the past 5 years prior to that. She has told me over & over that she's clean, but when I later saw her, I knew she wasn't. I either saw her pop a pill, or she showed ALL the signs that she was high. But the last time I saw her, I can't really tell anymore. But it's not just the drugs, it's the behavior, the lying, and the abuse. She manipulates people into giving her things she wants, and she's extremely short-tempered and mean. It's so sad, because I know what made her this way. But instead of trying to resolve it, she embraces her past as an excuse to treat others any way she sees fit. She's not a monster, but she can be. My mom's the same way. I worry that my sister might see the same fate as yours, but no matter what, I don't know how I can ever trust her. I always get hurt.

But I'm still hurting. I dream about her all the time too. I dreamt about her the other day. I was in a clinic of some kind, she was alone, I assumed something happened to her baby, or her & her boyfriend broke up, she was so thin & sickly-looking. I said her name aloud, & she turned to me in tears. I held her closely, she was so frail and small. I remember how little she was, in my arms, just this skinny little thing, half my size. I just held her & cried so hard, & woke up crying, hugging myself.

I really wish things could be different between us. But she would have to really get help. Professional help, and REAL rehab. (You know, the kind where you check into it for 30 days or more--the REAL deal) She went to the same clinic I did, but relapsed 6 days later, about 4 or 5 times she would go to some clinic, get off everything, only to steal pills a few days later, or meet someone & buy drugs. The addiction was too strong, I guess. I feel like I not only lost her this way, but...she's lost. In the head. She's not the person I thought she was. Whatever fragment of my loving sister I thought might still be there has been replaced by this person that I simply don't know anymore. She's hateful, hurtful, she steals, she lies, she uses people, & abuses herself. I can only hope her child doesn't suffer through what we ourselves suffer through.

Thank you so much for listening. I'll be here for you too.
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