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Unread 07-02-2014, 12:04 PM   #1
Sestra
Junior Member
 
Posts: 10
Default An entire family of addicts

I apologize for this LONG post, but I'm brand new, & I had to share. Hoping to get support & discuss things with others who know what I'm going through.

It took me ages to find a support group forum that actually works. It was hard getting this all down into intelligible words, as my story is not easy to tell or hear, but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to hear me. Truly, I am grateful for your compassion and time.

Not sure where to start, but I grew up with pretty much an entire family of addicts. My mother drinks and my sister, whom I was very close to also became horribly addicted to prescribed painkillers, and other meds. (My dad was also a BAD drinker, at one point he was taking something like speed or meth, and eventually switched to opiates. He apparently got clean a couple of years ago, but I have a feeling he either drinks instead now, or still takes some form of medication, but we no longer talk. (This doesn't include the many other relatives in my family who are also drug addicts &/or drinkers)

I myself, am a recovered addict. I used to be hooked on painkillers and muscle relaxers from age 16 until I was about 25. I've been clean for over 3 years now, and NEVER going back. I'm happy to say that I've completely turned my life around. I went to a treatment center (I was there for about 6 days) and stuck to my guns and stayed away from addictive medication from there on out. Recently lost 28 pounds & became healthy & active, & even got my GED.

Now being in a healthy lifestyle for the first time in my life, I seem to suffer post-traumatic stress disorder, and I have anxiety. My life before drugs was very traumatizing, as there was mental, physical and at one point sexual abuse. I no longer speak to the addicted members of my family. Basically, I've cut off all communication with pretty much everyone. My life during the drugs was foggy, and I seemed to have slept most of those years, but still remember the worst days, the fights, the violence, so many other incidents, but they seem distant and blurred now, but I have vivid nightmares about them from time to time.

It's just me & my fiancÚ now. I'm so grateful to have him in my life.

But since I've been clean, I tried to limit communication with my mother & sister, because they would continue their addict behaviors & it became unbearable. But I was always extremely close to my sister, we basically raised each other, we were either abused &/or neglected a huge chunk of our lives. My mom's drinking really messed us up, and my dad's violent behavior made our lives unbearable.

But I still love these people so much, even though they were horrible. I seem to cling to the small fragments of memories of them that were happy as if they were dead. Every few months I cry so hard because I miss my sister so much, I miss my mom & dad. But they're so selfish & completely embraced their addictions & want nothing to do with me, but will tell themselves & each other that it is I who want nothing to do with them. I used to cry every day, then eventually every week, it stretched to every other week, month, and now it's about every 2 months or so. My fiancÚ said I've definitely made progress.

Anyway, it's impossible having to deal with some of these issues alone. My sister had a baby about 2 years ago, WHILE taking pills, so the baby was an addict at birth. I refused to see him, or be there at the birth. I knew it would be too hard to watch him suffer, and see him be so sick. That was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

At one point my dad visited and brought her baby so I could see him. He's beautiful & I don't hate or resent HIM, but it's SO painful to look at him. I cried & realized I can't see him. Not only does he look EXACTLY like my sister when she was a baby, & I miss her so much, but I also know that the only reason he exists, is that she got pregnant on purpose so that her boyfriend would stick around. (She revealed to me that she was trying to get pregnant, even going as far as puncturing condoms so they'd have a baby together so he wouldn't leave her.)

I can't watch him grow up, or fall in love with him, knowing that his mom, my sister & my former soulmate will most likely mess him up the way our parents messed us up. Making us afraid of life. I also know that my sister being manipulative & abusive, wouldn't hesitate to use her child as a weapon against me if I displeased her (which happened constantly, because she has bi polar disorder, like both our parents, & has an explosive violent nature) she would threaten to take him away & I'd never see him again. I couldn't allow her to even have the opportunity to do that.

I wrote her a letter a few months back asking her to stop sending me photos of her kid, and that I need time. She was very angry. But that's how it's been forever. She'll write me a happy letter, a short time after, a rage-infused letter about how I abandoned the family and that I'm selfish & that I'll never understand, etc. So I've cut ties at this point. And it's been extremely hard. The last bit of contact involved an investigator calling me shortly after my birthday, trying to interrogate me over the phone, & said she was told by someone who wanted to remain anonymous (my sister) that I was on food stamps but refused to find work (among other ridiculous accusations) my sister called a few days before my birthday hoping I'd get the call ON my birthday, as payback for the letter I wrote her. The investigator was at first bullying me on the phone, but I explained how I know this person, my sister, & that it was completely unnecessary to call.

So that was the last event regarding my family. So far. I know there's bound to be another disastrous event coming one of these days. As that's the pattern with my family, they are not just addicted to drugs & alcohol but addicted to drama. They find ways to purposefully put themselves in jeopardy & horrible peril & demand sympathy from anyone who will provide them with money or something.

But I've changed my phone number. I've done everything I could to protect myself. But the one thing I can't do is heal the pain that I still suffer about these people.

To summarize my family--You might be wondering; how can you be soulmates with this horrible person? (sister) Well, she also was all I had. All I knew, & regardless of how bad she treated me, she was my best friend. My mom too. But my sister & I were the closest. We used to be inseparable, & survived hell together. But the drugs changed her so much, she became...basically, a monster. My mom is Jekyll & Hyde, half the time the sweetest person you'll ever meet, the other half, a scary, hateful, abusive manipulator & probably the most self-hating person I've ever known. She too had alcoholic parents who abused her horribly, she became a drinker from age 13 to now, she'll be 68 this year. My dad in my EARLIEST years, was a great dad. Over time, he became an adulterer, he bullied & beat his women & children, & always thought violence & fear was the key to getting what you want. In reality, he's the biggest coward I've ever known. Terrified of being alone, but also prevents everyone from staying. He mostly beat my sister. Until she moved out, then I was next. And to him, money is God, & constantly reminded me how I cost him something, & that I was good-for-nothing, so I still to this day feel guilty for being alive & needing food, or anything that normal people have to buy to live, & I have a severe phobia of spending money as a result. I'm working on that. I'm nearly 30, & I still don't drive. My whole family were aggressive drivers, sometimes they drank while they drove, gotten several DUIs & got arrested, & it caused me to be afraid to drive. I get the behind the wheel & I can't stop shaking. (My dad tried to teach me to drive once, & he'd scream & yell the whole time, so I'd be too petrified to push the gas)

In person I come across as a bubbly, funny & intelligent person with a big heart & very sociable. In reality, sometimes I feel so messed up. So incredible damaged & I still hear the hurtful abusive things my parents & sister used to say to me in my head. I tend to bottle it up & try to find ways to ignore it. But it eats away inside me. It helps to get it out.

My fiancÚ never raises his voice, never gets mad at me for anything. But I'm constantly asking him "Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?" I still can't shop at the grocery store or go to Wal-Mart to buy socks or underwear without asking "Are you sure? Is that too much?" always assuming he's angry. (My sister & dad would go as far to get their point across, being angry having to support me, that they'd abandon me in the store, having to find the car or call on a payphone, asking them to pick me up & please take me home, & that I'm sorry--for putting the expensive brand tampons in the basket. God, what is WRONG with these people.)


I'm so used to the passive-aggressive behavior & manipulative mind-games that my family liked to play. Making you guess what you did that angered them. They had to find ways to vent their frustrations, & I was an easy target. I was labeled as the weak daughter, they knew I didn't like to fight. They enjoyed making you cry, they enjoyed making others hurt. I learned over the years that they were probably sociopaths. So the fact that I MISS these people makes me feel sick. Like I'm messed up.


I hear my sister's voice in my head sometimes. I imagine having conversations with her (we were like twins, she's 3 years older) I'd think in my head "what would she think? Would this make her proud? Does she think about me, does she miss me as much as I miss her?" (Which I don't doubt, because we always needed each other to survive, but she's not the loving guardian angel I used to think she was. It's more like a pipe-dream version of her that I invented. Same with my parents.

I miss my mom's sweet voice, her hugs, her cooking, & her personality when she's sober. I miss my sister's laugh, her sense of humor, the music we used to listen to in the car while we'd go on a drive to get away from it all, or watching our favorite movies together to take our minds off our current lives. I miss my dad's voice & funny personality when he was in a good mood. He was fun, & playful back in the day. We used to fish together.

But I don't miss the fighting, the horrible hateful things they say, the yelling, the breaking of glass, slamming doors, getting evicted over & over & over, switching from school to school, getting hit, sometimes strangled, getting ice water dumped on me in bed, being made fun of...all these things I can't change. I can't change who these people were, & who they are now.


They're not as violent anymore, but still verbally & mentally abusive. My dad's violent nature has really faded over time. He no longer even raises his voice to me anymore. He knows that I'm a grown woman & have the ability to defend myself, & WILL, so he never acted threatening again--at one point I gave him an ultimatum, that if he ever did again, I'd divorce him as my father forever. He eventually agreed & stopped.

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel for them at all. It would be so much easier.


Why do I miss my sister so much?

It's like if I can't see her get sober someday like me, & be happy, I can't truly be happy either, as if my life partially belongs to her. This probably sounds crazy.

I appreciate people lending me an ear. I can't discuss these things with most people, I am unable to see a psychiatrist (budget & lack of insurance) but I thought maybe joining a support group would be therapeutic enough. I feel dirty that I miss these people, but they're my family, & for most of my life, they were all I knew.
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