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Unread 04-20-2016, 08:01 PM   #5
LadyLoss
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam Bailey View Post
Hello LadyLoss,

You're right. You do have options...and they're all shitty. You're in a totally crappy situation.

However, it's a situation that's been lived by a gazillion people, the people who are the loved ones of the alcoholic. That your husband is an alcoholic in severe denial just makes it all worse.

I'm so sorry that this is your reality. It is what it is, an old AA saying, trite? yeah, I suppose it is. True though.

Thing is, LadyLoss, as RLee suggested, there is not a damn thing you can do to change this situation, vis--vis your husband, until HE wants to stop killing himself.

It's totally messed up. You do, however, have a couple of hands you can play that maybe you haven't played before. Played strongly enough, is more my point.

Right now, your husband is calling all the shots. He's complaining that he's the damn victim, when, really, he's the bullying strongman in the deal.

There ain't a con in the world that can con like the active drunk/addict. Master manipulator? Dude, as my son might say, the active addict will do, or say, anything to protect his ability to drink or use.

It's his life blood, booze is, yet it's killing him. Totally effed up, the irony of that.

Now though, you must save yourself. See, only by saving yourself do you stand the chance of saving your husband...saving him only by allowing him to save himself.

Allowing, or requiring, or forcing---makes no difference. His life, ultimately, is his to lose or save.

How?

Do NOT ride in the car with him if he's loaded. Hell, don't ride with him if he's been drinking at all. Call a cab. Call a friend. Take a bus, for goodness sake.

Truth is, there're lots of "things" you can do. And while, subjectively, they may sound selfish--and to some extent they are--these "things" are really your only play.

He must "suffer" the consequences of his choices, no matter what they are. And you, you must REMOVE yourself from any participation in those consequences.

Does it suck? Oh friend, it does. I know you love this person, you write that you still do.....and to watch a loved on succumb to this f'ing condition is painful beyond words.

Again, though, someone must make the hard play.....and YOU are the only person currently capable of doing that.

Please, find an Alanon Meeting...then GO!

If you have trouble finding Alanon in your area, find an AA Meeting (or other support group) and GO!

You need other people who, like yourself, have lived, or are living, this kind of heartbreaking experience. You'll find them in Support Groups. Reach out to them, share your story---then listen to their advice.

LadyLoss? So damn sorry. But now, time to raise the curtains on this darkness.

A tough job, indeed. Not impossible though. LadyLoss, you can recover your own good self, you can. Life is not over. Not for you and, God willing, not for your husband.

But that, that is in his own hands. His and his God.

best,

sam
Hi Sam,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this heartfelt reply. I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe, Al-Anon can be something that's helpful to me. Who knows, maybe I'll even make friends that I can talk to about the "real things" and invite over because they won't be overly shocked if my husband's loaded.

That would definitely be nice. Isolation sucks.

I know that you guys say that it's not my fault he's that way, but if something happens, I won't be able to forgive myself.

One day at a time..?
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