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Unread 04-19-2016, 10:25 PM   #1
LadyLoss
Junior Member
 
Posts: 3
Default Just another day in paradise

I have a sweet husband.

Out of the both of us, he's the better chef, so he cooks all meals. Does the grocery shopping, too. He even picks me up from work.

He picks me up from work drunk. I carry a portable breathalyzer in my purse at all times (he got it for me one time when he drove home so drunk that he couldn't open the garage door to get inside the house and ended up sleeping on the cement, after promising that he wouldn't do it again); today he was at 0.18.

I said that I wasn't going home or anywhere with him while he was drunk; I asked that we wait it out, and made it sound like I wasn't inconvenienced by the whole thing because if I did, he'd lash out and things would get much worse. So, happy face, cheery tone, it's no big deal. I suggest that we go for a walk in the meantime - we can't, he forgot to put shoes on when he left the house.

Two and a half hours later we're good to go home. He tells me that this is all my fault; that I make him feel bad about drinking so he has to do it behind my back and pound drinks when I'm not looking. I say that I will never bring it up again; that I'm done trying to help him when he's not wanting help. I tell him that I will respect his choice of getting beyond intoxicated every day if he respects that I don't wish to be around him when he drinks. He still says that it's all my fault and that I'm too hard on him. That the last time I got upset because he drives drunk, I suggested that we get a car breathalyzer and that he stopped drinking altogether for an entire month after that, because of me, so he's just catching up.

One day, I will get the phone call telling me that he's dead or disabled for life; that the insurance won't pay because he was drunk, and we will lose everything we own. Maybe he'll have killed someone; perhaps an entire family. Maybe if he's lucky it'll just be a DUI and he'll only lose his job while our assets are in jeopardy cause I can't cover all the bills on my income. But I feel like it's inevitable, it's just a matter of time.

It.Will.Happen. I can't stop him, he doesn't want help.

I keep seeing people telling addicts' loved one: "you have choices! The choice is yours!".

I feel like that's no comfort at all. Yes, I have options. They're all shitty. There's no way out, no getting better, no happy ending. Just the dread-filled wait for that one day when It finally happened and the pain of watching the man I love disappear, consumed by his addictions.
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