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Unread 06-09-2012, 10:39 PM   #20
Junior Member
Posts: 19

My name is Katherine and I am an AA, an al-anon and have occassionally found that taking pain meds gave me the benefit of shutting off the situational depression I was going thru. My own experience with the steps was that I did them with first one sponsor and then when I moved with another but I didn't really reach out an make myself vulnerable enough for anyone to get to know me. Today, as I am beginning my "program" over because my addict has made my behaviors so sick mentally and emotionally that I am reacting out of emotions as a knee jerk respose. I have let myself become isolated and angry and resentful and a b.... I have been the one to get up an be the "good girl" who goes to work, I have been the one to turn on Christian radio and go to church and read the Bible (periods of reading then not).... The church has been my refuge but I have struggled with my own feelings of fallng short of perfection. Otherwise, why would my life look like it does - I must not be doing something right or doing somethng wrong. I have apologized, given, served, given to the church, etc. Questioning why don't I have more faith. The "step" that really hits me is the third step where I have to say just for today let me do your will, just for today let me be sober and not engage in the non-sober behavior. Then my emotions (fear, anger, anxiety, lonliness) actually make me react. The ability to share me vulnerably - saying I am hurtig or good or excited, etc. - is the focus of my touching base with others in these programs.

I did have a year in my AA program where I was really happy. I was connected to other people and we had a group that would do pot lucks once a month. We would just sit around as friends and it always seemed like some aspecct of the program in our life would come up as a topic. It was very natural sharing. We did fun things and nobody judged and nobody compared. I remember just before getting involved in that group sitting in a meeting feeling on the outside while others went for coffee. I brought it up and someone suggested that I just pose a question in the meeting and that tons of people would come up afterwards to talk to you.

Currently my husband attends meetings with me - he has been around the rooms as a constant relapser and always avoided doing a proper written 4th step. I listen to him make comments (not always nice) and I understand that the difference between his perspective and mine is that he is looking at the differences and I am seeking the similarities. To his credit, he does much better at home with the principles I think sometimes than I do. An al-anon told me that the addict is addicted to drugs and al-anons are addicted to the addict. Based on that statement I relapse about four times a week. Any way, we are on a journey. I wish you the best in your recovery from the hydrocodene. P.s. I don't know if you have seen the NA book - the language and stories are a little more modern and I think easier to read.

Much love,
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