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Unread 11-27-2010, 05:11 PM   #5
tlg
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Cynthia~
I've gone back and read all your posts on here to get a little better idea of your story. First I want to say I am sorry you're having such a hard time with all of this. Many of us think that once we get off the DOC and out of our active addiction, things are going to be so much better. I know I thought that, and it took me 2 tries in the end to get it right, b/c with the first time I tried, I felt a lot like you do now. I don't want to go too in detail about my story, but I will refer to is some.

When I first decided to get off my DOC, I placed myself in a 30 day in patient treatment center, and in there, they detoxed me with Suboxone. It helped so much with the WD's and cravings like it should, but also with the pain (I have chronic lower back pain, had a fusion done on my L5-S1 and have hardware in there now) I always have had an addiction problem, but once the back issues started and after surgery, it was just so easy to get those pills! Anyway, I was taken off the Sub in treatment once I was detoxed...and then life started getting hard again! I lasted 4-6 weeks out of treatment and in remission from active addiction before I went out and found my DOC again. I had all the tools I had learned (of course the treatment I went to was bassed on AA/NA) but I failed to put all of that to use. You've got those tools you've learned as well. You go to your meetings, you mentioned having a few friends, and you know what you HAVE to do to stay in remission, as I did. It took me going back out there for a few months and getting so far back into my active addiction and so much worse, before I was really ready to do it again! I don't think that's what it's going to take you! You are just having a hard time right now, but the difference is you are working your program, and just right here on Addiction Survivors, you've got SO SO much help. All the "friends" I made in treatment all went back our in their active addiction too, and so I felt alone, and like I couldn't do it. I only wish I would've asked for Sub when I got out and found this place then. But I learned a lot more between that first time outta treatment and the last time!

I only share this with you Cynthia, because now as I look back at that time, I see that I was feeling a lot of what you're feeling now. Although I wasn't on the Sub at the time, I still had all those feelings, and basically the best way I could some it up, was that I felt HOPELESS.

I have learned so much since then, that I wasn't hopeless, but I just had so much more to work on. I thought that after 30 days in treatment I was good to go. I had those tools I needed to go out there and live an addiction free life. I was wrong tho...I had a lot of tools I needed to go out and live that life...this life, but not ALL of them. I attended 1 meeting, and it was nothing like what I was use to. It was small and tho most the people were nice, I felt out of place, and so I didn't go to another. I had my own "program" that I thought was working.

I think that if you went out and tried to meet more people, that would help a lot. People who are in the program that you can get together with for dinner or coffee, or just hang out with or be able to call when you are going thru the hard time. I know I have always had a hard time trusting people, I seem to always get hurt, and I closed up after so long of that. I didn't want to let people in to my life in fear of getting hurt. Do you feel that way too? Or are you just a shy or quiet person who finds it hard to come out of your "shell"? If so, those are some things you will have to overcome as well. You don't have to go out and trust any and everyone, but you need to open up to people you find you could become friends with. Havinf people who've been thru and are going thru the same thing you are is a huge help! Do you have a sponsor? I even have close friends who have never been thru addiction, and have only seen people who've gone thru it, and tho they don't always understand the things I feel, I can still talk with them openly, and especially about things that don't have to do with addiction (family problems, money problems, or just needing someone to spend time with when I am having a hard time) I've always isolated when things get tough, and I've had to learn not to do that. It's the hard times when I really need to reach out to people and surround myself with people I care about! I know you said you live alone, and sometimes that's not always a bad thing, it gives you time to work on you and the things that need to be changed, and then you're able to chose when you want to be around people. I am sure it's hard on you being in a new place, and having to start over.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Have you been diagnosed with depression or anxiety? If so, are you being treated with any kind of medication? I remember some talk with you in chat, but sorry I don't remember details. Do you see a therapist? I know I was for whatever reason always against going th therapy, but the first time I went, it was so amazing to just be able to sit there and talk about everything that'd been bothering me! Those are just a few suggestions, which I am sure you are possibly already doing. Do you attend other meetings besides just the ones for the outpatient program? Do you have a sponsor?

Anyway, I just wanted to get back to you. I know you said you already do these things, but you can always work on it some more! Iit's like an everyday thing, and it's great that you are already doing it, but I believe it's something you have to continue to do for the rest of your life to be able and keep your disease in remission. I am no expert with AA/NA. I did work the program for a couple months, I know what it's about b/c I use to attend meeting with my parents, so I am no stranger to the program, but I am also not an expert. If that is the recovery program you are planning on continuing with then finding a sponsor and having s/he help you to work those steps is your best bet. We can't just read steps 1-12, and say I already do all of this. I found you have to go more into detail about them, sit down and learn what the real meaning of them are (which you will find those answers in the Big Book) and start working them in the way they are said to be worked. Again, I am no expert on the program, and I am sure if you had more in depth questions about working the steps, there are pleanty of qualified people in the program here who'd be more then happy to explain their opinion on on step work for you.

I hope this has helped you in some way Cynthia, otherwise I've just been rambling on for an hour. I like to think that the posts I share help at least someone out there in some way. People can take what they need from them, and leave the rest for someone else. I know many people post on here all the post all the positive things they have experienced while on Suboxone, how it's been a life saver and bettered their lives so much. It does and it has. But a lot of people haven't posted about the hard times they have had in the begining of their treatment. Many people like myself hadn't found this website until they were already well into their treatment program, but you are not alone. Many people have had the feelings you are having right now, and they've just had to find what worked best for them to get thru it! Everyone is different, just like how with the Sub effects them. But know you are not alone, and you can get thru this.

I wish you the best of luck, and as long as you stick with it, you will one day find your happiness and be able to take this hard time you're having now and be able to share it with someone else who is having the same problems and help them find happiness and hope!
Trina
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