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Unread 12-23-2014, 12:55 PM   #99
MicheleJ
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Hi,
Nancy, first of all, I really want to thank you so incredibly much for all of your support, and for being here for me--every, single day during this absolute lowest point in my life. I don't know what I'd do without you, right now. You are an incredibly kind and giving person. Please know how much you are truly appreciated.
I'm not well-as usual. But then again, I won't be until I'm on my way to detox and rehab. I'm totally fearing this "Sub induction", now, which I never quite thought of that way, but, that's really what it is. Thanks to Runner for pointing that out and possibly saving me tons MORE misery on top of all the misery I'm already in.
Knowing I'm going to have to suffer for 16-24 hours now, anyway, no matter what--and worrying about "proper Sub induction" and precipitated withdrawals is causing me extreme, extreme anxiety. Even though I rationalized that "technically" I only need to score a 5. Plus I noticed my anxiety is through the roof in general now, too--worrying about all kinds of things I have zero control over--but I keep thinking if certain things were to happen now--while I'm like this--that I don't know how I'd get through them--like if my roommate has a heart attack and dies--and things like that.
Last night-I decided I wanted to sleep-my mind was racing so much--so I took some Vicodin and 3 Buspar-and was able to do. Usually I just suffer through the nights. But I really only have enough left for 1-2 days, now-before the suffering begins. I think I have closer to one day's worth left. I haven't counted them. I honestly don't even count how many I take, either.
Then I thought that instead of going back on Subs, I would "taper" myself off of the Vicodin instead. So, I'm kinda trying that now. I do have those 5 Benzos left-too-which could be helpful in getting off of this Vicodin--but--I'm not sure they would be enough, or that I'd even be able to take them properly. Or--if they are the right ones. Plus I'm pretty sure I'd still be super depressed even if I could minimize physical withdrawal symptoms. (Where I got my medical license from--I don't know?)
Then of course I felt bad this morning--although not nearly as bad as I've been--because there were far less hours of not taking any Vicodin. So--I'm right back at it!!
Last night-one of my "male friends" with 18 years clean from NA texted me to see how I am doing because he hasn't seen me in a while. I told him what's been going on. He was nice at first, then nasty--and he was actually hitting on me throughout the entire 2 hour conversation.
He works for the County-in a different division completely from the Drug & Alcohol Dept--he works in Children & Youth, but he still knows everyone-& he told me to call the same place I already went through--and then I had to tell him what happened with THAT-& that I already DID go through them, but I ended up--for all practical purposes-getting "kicked out". He didn't even LISTEN, obviously, to what happened at that first place-how they messed up the first 3 urine samples & then said the 4th one had no drugs-which was absolutely impossible-& that they weren't even going to give me detox. And of course I was a total idiot at the 2nd place--even IF I tried to make it right.
So then he told me that I just need to "lose everything"-and until that happens I will never "surrender"--and then told me he "doesn't discuss treatment with people who are high". He's out of his mind. I mean, I know he was trying to help-I think-but he's WRONG. WAY wrong. But, he too now thinks I'm scum. And although I'm certain this Vicodin is ******g with my thinking--I am not high.
These people in NA-I wonder about them sometimes. The fact that he was blatantly hitting on me--at a time like this--I mean--he was REALLY, REALLY hitting on me. Completely inappropriate. And then to say such harsh things, like that. Just makes me feel worse. And--that I was good enough to text & hit on--until he found out about what happened with the County-where he works. And I didn't even mention how truly bad the 1st place they sent me was-or say anything negative at all about the County. -But because that happened-now he wants nothing to do with me-kind of pisses me off, even though I don't have any interest in him that way. He hit on me before, too--& then I started ignoring him when he did that. I guess maybe even though he has 18 years clean-the fact alone that he was hitting on me--at a time like this, especially--speaks volumes of where his "recovery" is at. I shouldn't have even talked (texted) with him to begin with. I should have ignored him. Now I bet he'll look up my file in the system. He probably has access to it, somehow-and see that is states I'm "Resistant to Treatment"!
My God! Every day it seems like something else! And I'm not even leaving my house! A new fight--both with my drug dealer & now a fellow NA Member!! I must be REALLY, REALLY bad--Not suitable for either of the 2 opposite ends of the spectrum. I must be even worse than I even think I am. I'm going to ignore everyone-totally-from now on, until this situation is over. Although-I must say-neither of these were either "healthy" or "significant" relationships" to begin with, but STILL! I'm not able to even maintain casual relationships with people right now. It's the mere point of it.
Then-I received a voicemail message that leads me to believe I do qualify for Medical Assistance. The are sending me a "packet" in the mail that I'm supposed to fill out immediately and send back, once I receive it. I went to the website they mentioned, and it clearly states that if someone is sent one of these "packets", that they most definitely can sign up. They do offer private insurance there, too, but horrible insurance-and only 4 plans to even choose from.
But, I also got a letter in the mail that they needed my bank statements-which I already provided to them-as well as my car insurance info-which I wasn't asked for, before. So I'm really confused. But, since I have private insurance that I desperately need, effective next week, I'm not going to delve into it any further. With the government-this would all take weeks to play out, anyway, I'm sure. The woman at the D&A place told me flat out that I was denied for Medical Assistance. I have that in writing, from her, too.
Furthermore, I saw a missed call from my mother yesterday. So, she clearly knows I'm not at that place anymore, or else she wouldn't be calling me. So now I'm wondering if I should call her, or not. Considering my track record lately, I'm actually thinking of not calling her and just letting everything go until next week. I'm going to probably be deathly ill on Christmas Day, anyway. God only knows what that place told her--even with HIPAA laws-because I put her name down as someone who could call about me. I just don't want her to worry about me.
I'm at a loss-dreading everything. Regretting everything. Fearing everything. Worrying about my paid for insurance again, too-with the government mixed up in my life now. What if they cancel it if they find out I qualify for Medical Assistance? IF I qualify for Medical Assistance, even though I was told I don't. I don't know whether or not it's even illegal for someone who qualifies for Medical Assistance to buy insurance on the Market or not, anyway. What if someone had someone else paying for private insurance for them? How could that be illegal?
But, with the holidays, and the weekend, not counting today, there are really only approximately 4 whole business days until my insurance goes into effect. Not much time for the government to get anything done. I just want this all to be over with so I can move on with my life. I am NEVER, EVER taking drugs again. EVER. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, and I could NEVER handle something like this again--if I even ever actually get through it now. I'm concerned I just may not end up getting through it.
I really need to suck it up & get back on Sub so at least I can think clearly and have less anxiety. It'll be less than a week that I'll be back on it-after almost 2 full weeks off, when I actually do get back on it. That can't be nearly as hard to get off of. But I would never make it through the next week without it. No way. I really think I could become seriously suicidal due to how completely depressed I would knowingly be-even if I had no physical withdrawal symptoms-which wouldn't be likely, either, anyway. I don't need to end up locked up in the psych ward on top of everything else when I'm supposed to be going to detox & rehab in 8-10 days. This is true misery like I have never experienced before.
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MicheleJ
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