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Unread 01-22-2012, 02:38 PM   #1
istherehope
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Default Finally, i am equally scared of using and of not using...

HERE IS GOES....I HAVE PUT THIS OFF SINCE I FIRST JOINED BECAUSE I AM SKILLED AT RATIONALIZING. JUST AS SKILLED AS ANY OTHER ADDICT. I HIDE BEHIND MY WORDS OFTEN TIMES AND I PUSH OTHERS AWAY WITH THOSE SAME WORDS. I AM GOING TO MAKE A CONCERTED EFFORT TO CUT THROUGH THE BS AND TELL YOU WHO AND WHAT I HAVE BECOME....

I AM A 55 YEAR OLD WOMAN WHO EVEN WINCES AT THE WORD WOMAN. I HAVE LOST THE FORTITUDE TO GROW UP AND STILL CONSIDER MYSELF A GIRL....WHICH IS IN KEEPING WITH THE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT PART OF BEING AN ADDICT. I STARTED DRINKING WHEN I WAS 17 AND NOW I RARELY IF EVER TOUCH ALCOHOL. I ATTENDED AA FOR MANY YEARS AND I ENJOYED MOST OF THOSE YEARS . WHEN I HAD MY DAUGHTER IN 87 I QUIT DRINKING WHILE I WAS PREGNANT AND THEN STARTED WHEN SHE WAS BORN UNTIL SHE WAS 6 MONTHS. THEN I QUIT FOR 10 YEARS. ANYWAY, I WILL CUT TO THE CHASE. CURRENTLY I AM ADDICTED TO CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE , SOMA, AND PAIN MEDICATION. I STARTED USING METH (WHICH I CALL "nothing") FULL TIME (everyday), APPROX. 11 YEARS AGO BECAUSE I COULDN'T USE COCAINE ANY LONGER. i WAS SLAMMING COKE FOR APPROX HALF A YEAR FULL TIME AROUND 1997-98 AND THAT BEHAVIOR TOOK ME DOWN AND SPIT ME OUT INTO A HEAP OF DESTROYED HEALTH AND NO WORTH. I TOOK MYSELF TO A INPATIENT TX FACILITY WEARING SLIPPERS. TOLD THE INTAKE WORKER THAT SHE BETTER PUT HER PERSONAL ASSESSMENT ASIDE AND LET ME ENTER TX OR I WOULD GO TO MY CAR AND WRITE A LAST NOTE TO THE WORLD THAT SHE HAD A CHANCE TO ACCEPT ME AND SAVE MY LIFE, BUT SHE CHOSE TO TREAT ME AS A DISPOSABLE HUMAN BEING. (i had been a total of 3 times to this intake worker and had clashed severely with her. she has since died of alcoholism. sad but that is the nature of a disease gone unchecked)

I STAYED IN TX AND WAS ABLE TO STAY CLEAN FOR 5 MONTHS AFTER.

I AM A CERTIFIED AOD COUNSELOR. I HAVE TWO UNDERGRADUATE DEGREES IN ENGLISH , SPEECH AND THEATER AND A MFA IN PLAY WRITING. AND THIS PARAGRAPH ALONE PROVES THAT EDUCATION DOES NOT MEAN INTELLIGENT . AND EDUCATION DOES NOT MEAN ONE IS FREE FROM THE GRIPS OF ADDICTION. NOR DOES IT KEEP YOU FROM LOSING EVERYTHING TWICE AND FINDING YOURSELF HOMELESS AND FINANCIALLY RUINED.

AFTER COCAINE, CAME ALCOHOL AGAIN, THEN I SETTLED INTO METH AND MORPHINE., SOMA AND LORTAB (or any pain medication) I LANDED IN THE ER SHORTLY AFTER GETTING MARRIED THE SECOND TIME , MY HUSBAND TOOK ME INTO ER 12 DAYS AFTER I WENT DOWN IN BED WITH A 105,8 FEVER AND COULDN'T EAT, URINATE, STAND UP OR TALK MUCH. STILL I WOULD'T LET HIM TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL UNTIL MY UA PROVED CLEAN FROM ALL DRUGS, AND HE OBEYED THOSE ORDERS, AT THE COST OF MY LIFE AND SERENITY OF MY FAMILY. WHICH MY MOTHER WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD STAND BY ME, SEEMS THAT MY RITZY SIBLINGS DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVING AN ADDICT AT ALL, SO THEY HAD DISOWNED ME 100%..

TO WRAP IT UP,,,,,I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 6 AND A HALF WEEKS WITH ENDOCARDITIS . HAD OPEN HEART SURGERY AND MRSA. THEY PINNED THE ENDO ON BEING AN IV DRUG USER, BUT I HAVE COME TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE LABELING WAS FOR MONEY PURPOSES., I WASN'T EVEN SLAMMING DURING THAT TIME AND I HAVE RESEARCHED THE ENTIRE MESS AND IT DEFINITELY HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MRSA, A SUPERBUG STAPH INFECTION THAT WAS MOSTLY HOSPITAL BORN AT THE TIME OF MY INFECTION., I HAD RECEIVED IT IN ANOTHER HOSPITAL IN DEC 2000 FROM A ER MD WHO PANICED UPON HEARING THAT I WAS A COCAIN ADDICT AND DREW BLOOD FROM MY GROIN WITHOUT FIRST STERILIZING THE AREA. I WENT IN WITH PNEUMONIA AND STAYED IN WITH STAPH INFECTION. THAT WAS 3 YEARS BEFORE MY OPEN HEART OPERATION. SINCE THEN RESEARCH SHOWS THAT ALL MY SYMPTOMS AND DIAGNOSIS WAS MRSE RELATED.

SO I CURRENTLY AM USING. IT HAS BECOME MY LIFE. AND IT HAS TAKEN MY ENTIRE FOCUS AND RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS ARE ALMOST NON EXISTENT. I JUST CAME OUT OF A 6 PLUS YEAR ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, (not my second husband. we were married 3 years only and he was gone almost 2 out of those 3. he ended up being a fraud , con and an addict. ) SO ANYWAY, THIS LAST RELATIONSHIP WAS PUT TOGETHER UNDER THE USE OF METH, AND ENDED UP WITH AGGRAVATED ASSAULT AND THAT WAS SEPT 4 AND 5TH OF 2011. JUST RECENTLY I HAVE BEEN SEEING HIM AGAIN AGAINST COURT ORDERS OF A NO CONTACT RULING AGAINST HIM. I AM IN A SITUATION WHERE I AM SO ALONE AND FEELING COMPLETELY WORTHLESS THAT I TURNED TO HIM , KNOWING IT I HAD DOPE HE WOULD RESPOND. I AM IN A DESPERATE STATE OF AFFAIRS.,AND OFTEN I DON'T EVEN LEAVE MY BED. I AM NOT WELL, AND I HAVE NO HEALTH INSURANCE., NO MONEY AND NO HOPE. I WANT DESPERATELY TO QUIT THIS BEHAVIOR, BUT I HAVE CONVINCED MYSELF THAT I AM THE ONE WHO CAN'T .THE EFFECTS OF LONG TERM USE HAS CAUGHT UP WITH ME NUMEROUS TIMES AND HAS LEFT ME WITH DIMINISHED ABILITIES. I REALIZE THAT MY BRAIN DOESN'T FUNCTION THE SAME , MY BODY IS SLOWING DOWN BEYOND THE NATURAL AGING OF 55 AND MY FUTURE LOOKS BLEAK. I LIVE IN CLUTTER AND IT PAINS ME TO RIGHT SO TRUTHFULLY ABOUT MY SITUATION, BUT I HAVE NO WHERE ELSE I AM WILLING TO TURN TO, I HAVE BEEN IN THE PROCESS OF COMMITTING MYSELF TO THE ADDICTION SURVIVOR COMMUNITY SINCE NOV. OF LAST YEAR, NOW I AM READY TO RECEIVE HELP AND I AM WILLING TO DO ALL THAT I AM ABLE TO LISTEN AND FOLLOW THROUGH . FINALLY MY DEMONS ARE WEAKENED ENOUGH TO ALLOW MY ASKING FOR SUPPORT. AND I CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE BECAUSE I AM TIRED AND NEED TO REST,.
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