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Unread 02-03-2011, 04:10 PM   #1
RD1angel
Junior Member
 
Posts: 2
Default I finally registered, and want to say Hello!!

HELLO !!
I have been reading through a lot of the threads for awhile now, wanting to get to know the topics, responses, and attitudes of this site. I have been on sites before and have seen people slammed because of their own thoughts and ideas and beliefs, it horrified me that some site allow this to happen under the clause, "if it makes you mad, then maybe you needed to hear it". I will say, this is the first forum that the moderators do a good job of not allowing this to happen in different forums. And that the forums stay true to their title. Not that I am against the thought on "calling people out on the BS. There is a time and place for that, and I believe we all have the right to be a part of a group that is supportive to our paths, and the decisions we make with our recovery.

*****My own disclaimer: Anything that I post is of my thoughts alone, my experiences, strengths, hopes, feelings, opinions, failures and keyboard. It is said that the program of recovery is a selfish program, I take what works and leave the rest behind. And I am a true believer of "live and let live" what works for me, may not for you, and what works for you, may not work for me. I will never be judgmental of anyone's path to a happy, healthy, productive life, however they define that. *****

With that being said, I finally registered, and I am looking forward to meeting new people, and developing a new circle of support and friendships for this chronic, progressive, fatal, tricky, mean.... disease called addiction!

My name is RD, and my first introduction to alcohol was at age 5, (to kill the germs when I had strep throat) and to opiates, when I was 8, my first AA meeting was in 1976 at age 13, (there weren't any NA meetings) and I have been tagged as a someone with chronic relapses! I am getting ready to turn 48. The one statement that will turn me off faster than anything is when someone says to me, "you've just never taken the 1st step 100%". I don't intend on typing a drug/drunkalogue in this post, so I will fill out my "about me" page as soon as I can, with details of my story for anyone interested, or feels that need validation of my title?

I chose this particular forum to send my initial hello, because this is what I have been looking for! My belief is that I have the disease of addiction, I take suboxone, and I will take it for life. Just like I take my thyroid medication. I believe that with my brain, (and I am not one of those types that will use fancy grammar or get real technical, I will just shoot from the hip) but, as I was saying, with my brain I feel that I am missing something that allows me to process emotions appropriately. Hum-mm neurotic comes to mind? For the first time in my life, I feel normal! I use that word because that is what I feel! Pre-sub days, even when everything was going well, strong participant in recovery, 7 years clean and sober, I felt like that cartoon character in Peanuts with the dark cloud overhead. Even throwing in mega exercise, good eating/sleeping habits, meetings 3-5 days a week, had a super sponsor, sponsored others, went to conventions, put myself through college and ended up with my dream job.... there it was, that dark cloud. And then, someone would bring up that, "there must be a underlying condition?" OK, I don't want anyone to say I'm not willing to go to any lengths, I'll try the anti-depressants... omg... they worked, the world was wonderful... for a few weeks!!! Then one day, there it is again, the black cloud! That dreaded feeling I couldn't shake. So, what happens... relapse! Not right away, we all know that relapse begins long before we pick up. But it is inevitable, for me. So as a favorite AA speaker Clancy I says, "When under enough distress, emotion will always win over intellect" There is only one thing I know that will immediately alleviate that helpless, hopeless, impending doom feeling.... and it works well, and it always has! For a small amt of time... then it is right back to where I was went I detoxed that last time. And every time I relapse, it is true what they say, it is worse, far more degrading... ending with that incomprehensible demoralization! (not fancy grammar, It's just in the big book, but it fits the emotion) You may notice that I lean more toward the AA recovery by my words. I am an active member of NA also, it just that there weren't any NA around when I was introduced to recovery, so it is just familiar territory. Truthfully, I don't see any difference once it gets past the particular substance.

Suboxone, for me is a MIRACLE. Do I think it is trading one addiction for another? Depends, if addictive behaviors are present... then yes. If I am working some sort of program, be it AA, NA, smart recovery, rational recovery, church... whatever flips my trigger... it boils down to, am I following doctors orders? Am I participating in my old addict thoughts, actions; like lying, manipulating, procrastinating? If the answer is no, then I am not trading addictions. One can apply the excessive spending here also, I am being treated with a medication for my disease. No different than being treated with my Synthroid for my hypothyroidism, no different than if someone else takes Zoloft or Prozac or whatever for there depression.

I can remember a time, back in the early 80's when I would here the "old timers" blast people for taking anti-depressants. Saying that it was a mood altering substance? No, it isn't a mood altering substance. It is replacing a normal substance that everyone should have, and for some reason or another, a person is missing or has a low level of that substance! Hum m I wonder what they say about taking Iron supplements? The give a person energy, when one's red blood cells are low, maybe those people are relapsing? right! NOT !! It is the same principle! Thank goodness that generation is dying off. Sorry, don't mean to offend anyone! Suboxone at a appropriate dose is giving me the very chemical that most people have, that I am either missing or low on. Endorphins ( I am not a chemist, or doctor so if I miss state anything, oh well, I am talking in general terms.)

Due to trial and error, and also because at one point in my immature recovery days, I was judgmental of others taking DRT. I don't share what medications I take at meetings, or for that fact anyone that doesn't have anything to do with my life. Sponsors? Well, it depends, I have to get to know them for a while, as you will find a lot of SICK people in the rooms even with a lot of questionable time. Do I think that is being dishonest? Absolutely not! The honesty thing as far as I am concern has become totally abused! To me, being totally honest means, can I look at myself in the mirror and know that I am 100% on the up and up. Everyone knows that if I can't be honest with myself regarding my addiction, addictive behaviors then it is all for nothing anyway.... because I will relapse. Its a guarantee. They say, that is not true because we addicts will lie to ourselves, and may not be able to see the truth? Bullshit, we all know when we are being dishonest. Now, I will talk with someone I trust regarding my thoughts, if I find myself dancing with addictive behaviors, ie: impulsiveness, anxiety, fear etc... because that is the crack in the door that will allow trouble. I call it my Pandora's box, and it is always there, trying to open!! So, do I tell my sponsor that I take suboxone, yes, but only after I get to know her, and she is really walking the walk. Because, she won't have a problem with it as long as I am following doctors orders. No, I will not let it be known at meetings! I view it in the same context as I view the fact that I take Synthroid.

I am glad to have found a forum that provides a support system using the 12 steps of recovery without the bashing of DRT. I hope I don't offend anyone with anything I have said, but if I have, then I have to remember that I can control others beliefs, and they are entitled to them, and it isn't any of my business what they think about me. However, for me, it is my life, my disease, and my program of recovery. And with a group of friends and supporters, WE can live this life with the disease of addiction to the best of our ability.

I don't read many articles on what decorated physicians say, because, I believe that all of their research is geared around what they believe in.

For whatever it is worth....
I am happy to be here and I am hoping to make some really great friends. Also, I will be asking for some assistance, as I am relocating to a new state and need to find a new doctor in central Florida, that believes in maintenance, and working with me in my program of recovery, as I have no interest in getting off suboxone, any more than getting off of synthroid. It will get really expensive doing a bunch of "interviews" with different doctors to find out there stance on suboxone therapy. Nor do I want a doctor that is in the business for profit, as that won't help me in the whole process of recovery either. As far as I am concerned, that promotes addictive behaviors to surface. The disease of Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful and very
patient!

And this is how I see it. I think I have rambled long enough!
RD





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