Thread: Hello everyone
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Unread 05-11-2017, 05:15 AM   #5410
Senior Member
Posts: 3,249

Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest and most gorgeous Sam, what a quite beautiful letter. There was a time when should tears invade my eyes and take up residence on my cheeks, so i would fill with feelings of foreboding. These days, an older and perhaps a tad wiser Tryn allows them and now feels they are just the purest form of emotion. How your letter empowered me to weep. Thank you.

My sweetest, dearest Lost Dog, Micheal's journey brings into stark reality my own. As Tryn is known for banging on about "how lucky i am"....never will you have a clearer example as to why. I grew up with Micheals life.

It is impossible for the average joe to comprehend yet street life, is alot like yours.

We have our community. Within that community we will find friends and foe alike. Just like average joe. We have good days.....bad days.......we have rows and fights, laughter and tears. We see life....we see death. We see courage and kindness, we see brutality, cowardice and cruelty, just like average joe. We work hard everyday to stay alive, just like average joe. We hurt, we cry, we get depressed, just like the average joe.

I once gave a speech to a shed load of housing providers. In it i said, "we are all homeless, it is just that some of us have got somewhere to live". I left a brief pause as it took a moment to "get that one"....i waited for the reaction i knew would come and it duly did.

As the audience "got their heads round what i meant"....they smiled.

I was waiting for that. I said,

"Only those with somewhere to live will be smiling now"

It hit them like a brick and most looked down at the floor like scolded children. And ****ing right too. It is the whole point. Our segregation of each other has not 1 sinew of worth.

If i wrote to you today and said "it's all gone pear shaped" i am out on me ear......i am writing this from the pavement....i have nowhere to live and nowhere to go......would you think less of me?

Of course you would know me.

If you walked past me in the street and did not know me......would you think less of me?

I do not need the answer to that, i know the answer. THAT is the problem....right there.

Let me put it another way round.

"I knew this chap, lovely guy, died this week far too young".

"Oh how terrible. Tell me about him"

"Ohhh, quiet chap, very academic. Didn't drink or smoke, had a sad journey, yet to his last day full of life. Very popular".

"Oh that is soo, sad. How did he die?"

"He died of a broken heart...Oooo and hypothermia"

"I beg your pardon.....what do you mean?"

"Oh....didn't i tell you?.....he was homeless living on the street"

"Oh...errrr.....right. Probably best then eh?"

"Probably best for whom? Do you think the chap wanted to go to the great big bus shelter in da sky or what? You mean a choice between a doorway or dead, may as well be dead?"

That is obviously a metaphorical conversation. Can anyone here, hand on heart tell me that is a not conversation many could say....and hear?

I do not really know how i ended up at 51 with a home. I really don't. My life is a smudge, a blur. Yet here i am, with my own little home. EVERY single day when i open my eyes, i can not believe it.

(An extremely poignant aside, Micheal chose to sleep outside a department store, and the displays were "bedrooms". How sweet is that on one hand.....and how sick....on the other. Essentially he was 6ft away from an empty bed in an empty store. Go figure)

I am quite angry to be fair. I am not angry that Micheal died, simply in the manner inwhich he had to leave us. There was no need whatsoever for that. (He had been dead for many, many hours unnoticed). I do not blame any single individual, any single agency/provider or is on all of us, our society's, our cultures to recognise each others needs and struggles and to support each other for the benefit of all of us. My country has the chronic disease of class, hierarchy, that other country's lap up with glee. The reality is a hugely divided society with very few haves, and a majority of have nots.

That is why Micheal died in the way he did.

It makes my resolve stronger, my focus utterly clear, and the engines of my love for my fellow man and woman are revving, so they are.

Sope, Tryn shall use the step ladders to get orff his soapbox! is 9.30am in my dear ole Blighty. I have an assessment tomorrow afternoon, i reckon folks that go through this start physically shaking about 2-3 days beforehand......boy it is scary stuff.

I have done the right thing. I put in an extra session with dear Milan. I am now more in touch with myself. So when i feel fear, i ask for help. Fear is my trigger....for everything. I have felt more insecure, more "staccato" with my feelings. Flitting like a busy bee trying to find the right place inside of me to land. Buzzing can turn into panic which turns into fear.

So we agree together that there is nothing i can do to stop these feelings. Honestly...if you are frightened......even if you have no idea what of.....(fear has a habit of doing that).......tell someone. You do not have to launch into Tryn territory and talk the hind legs off a dog....simply say....."i am frightened". There is no "why". No need to evidence base it, no need to prove is what it is. Its a feeling. A horrible, horrible feeling. Still a feeling though.

So me being me, i wait for my Tuesday appointment, my mind awash about how i can describe how i am feeling. I just do not know where to start.

My skype phone starts ringing on the we go......

"Hello my dear Milan!!!"

"Hello my dear Andy!!"

He has quite the most wonderful "accent", his English extremely good, yet the tint makes me warm to him.

I look straight at him and say,

"I'm frightened Milan"

"Oh really? You are sitting right forward. Can you just sit back in your chair? That is better......we have some space. Don't say anything. I want you to feel what you have just told me"

I shut my eyes, and it felt like going to the spare room we all chuck the stuff we don't know where to put, or don't want to chuck out....the creaking door opens.....and my gosh, festering fear is the stench.

That is all it is. A bad ****ing smell.

I am not talking "just being missed getting hit by a bus fear".....i am talking...."i can't do this" fear.

You can. You really can.

The dear ole fella is begin to stumble to a complete stop these days. I can see him trying balance. It is almost as if he's worked out for the first time in his long life he infacts has 4 legs and 4 paws, so much does he recognises how he needs the lot right now. He stops sometimes and looks at his own front legs, sometimes trys to turn round to look at his behind is if he is trying to work out why they are "not working like what they used to innit". He is not unwell. He is gorgeous and snoozing his handsome self away. I will look after him.

I had a meeting with the community chap again on Tuesday, and all is tickety boo and moving forward. Meeting next Tuesday, the replys from the survey/leafleting are so, so, so very exciting, (and really lovely to) my health was nattered about, (the meeting was at my home), and i feel incredibly understood and supported.

Not quite sure if i have mentioned this before, while i remember i must tell you......

I am a very, very lucky man!

Have a wonderful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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