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Unread 11-18-2013, 09:41 PM   #1
antique
Junior Member
 
Posts: 14
Default New member and needing advice

I am new to the forums and needing to talk to people who have shared my experience. I have been with my husband for 10 years. He has always been a pretty heavy drinker, but either it has gotten worse lately or I am more sensitive. If unchecked, he will go through a 12-pack of beer every Saturday night. He sits alone in his man cave pounding beer until it's gone.

For years, I have tried to get him to cut down or quit, but he flat insists that because he doesn't drive drunk or beat me, he can't be an alcoholic. I'm perfectly aware that this is nonsense, of course, but how on earth do you argue with something so skewed? He honestly sees no difference between one beer and 12 or 15. He also sees no difference between my taking a bath or watching a funny movie when I'm stressed and him getting obliterated. He either needs to drink because he's stressed, or wants to drink because it's quiet and he has a chance to relax, or because it's a long weekend, or his brother is visiting and that's what they enjoy. He makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable or harsh for trying to get him to stop.

The worst part is that he's nicest to me when he's drunk. Most of the time, he's pretty grumpy. He suffers from anxiety and depression, which he absolutely refuses to see a doctor for because he has paranoia to go along with it. He takes some over-the-counter herbal remedies which do seem to help some. But when he's drunk, he tells me that I'm beautiful, and that he loves me and appreciates me. Lately, this just makes me angry. I know that the beer is first and I am entirely peripheral.

I am pretty much fed up with him. Reading through the forums, I see that I am dealing with an awful lot less than many of you. Am I just being overly sensitive? I recognize that I have enabled him for a long time out of a mistaken belief that if I just cared enough, or created a peaceful enough home, or did anything enough, he wouldn't feel the need to drink anymore. Boy was I wrong. I am worried about how he would function without me, though. I interface with the world for him (also bad, yes) because of his anxiety and depression. His family would be no help, with a borderline personality disorder mother and siblings who drink just as much. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could lock the whole family away for their own good. I don't respect him anymore, and I don't love him now either. I just feel guilty forcing him to deal with the world when I've tried for so long to protect him from it. I fully recognize that I work longer hours than I need to just to stay away from him. When I am working, I feel happy and fulfilled because I love what I do and I know I'm good at it and am respected by my colleagues. But as soon as I turn the car toward home, I feel gloomy and sad. I'm not at all given to that, either. I'm generally cheerful and easygoing and it makes me so angry that he's taking that away.

I'm terribly sorry for the long post, but I don't feel ready to talk to any of my friends about this yet and knew that you would all understand.
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