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soapdish 12-18-2016 03:35 AM

Called the police
Hello, thank you for reading. I just need to vent. Maybe somebody else has been in my situation.
Last night my boyfriend came home drunk and so I refused to let him in and I locked him out. After insults and threats, he broke the door and tried to force entry in. I defended the door and called the police.
He has spent the night in a cell and I went to the station last night to give a statement of what happened. He hasn't come back yet, which is strange and I am so worried.
I locked him out because we have had a turbulent relationship for 3 years. His drinking has resulted in him physically beating me and terrifying me in the past (several times) but I have always forgiven him the next day on the condition that he packs in the drink. He hasn't packed it in and 3 saturdays in a row he's been drunk. Three weeks ago he was so drunk he was vomitting on his back and I literally saved his life. Next morning "sorry sorry sorry, never again"; ok but this time it has to be for real...but no. He hasn't even been trying to quit. So last night I felt scared and didn't want to let him in.
I have had an alcohol problem in the past too and I feel like I am too weak to send him away but I know it is dangerous for me to stay with him.
I just feel so upset for him. I know he made the choice to drink. He chose to break my door down. He chose not to stop when I said I'd call the police but I feel so sad for him.
He has destroyed his life. I want to tell him to get his stuff and go but I know that he has nowhere to go. He has no job and no money. Where will he go? Under a bridge to sleep in the fog, below 0 temperatures? He'll just cultivate hatred for me.
I can't stay with him. I can't forgive him yet again because he will never stop drinking if I do and it's only a matter of time before something even worse happens.
But I don't have a heart of stone. I can't bear to see him destroyed. He is so messed up.
I also worry that if I kick him out, he will be back to stalk me. If he's in a situation where he has nothing to lose, that could be very dangerous for me. I don't know what to do.
I feel so guilty and bad about last night. I feel like I've made things worse but I also feel like he left me no choice but to involve the police.
Nobody knows anything. Only the neighbours saw him being dragged away, shouting and crying. My parents don't know anything. They live in tge UK, I am in Italy. I have no friends, just aquaintances. I feel like I'm hiding a terrible secret. I feel sick thinking about him in the cell. Thinking about what will happen to him now. I hate myself so much and I think I am so stupid and dangerous too. He is deeply in love with me even if it's a warped kind of possessive love. I am 10 years older than him and I feel like this is all on me. I have enabled him too many times, for too long and I am too soft and easily manipulated. If he cries and begs I always give in. I want to help him but I think I am killing him.
I am so so sad right now.
Thank you for a place to share.

NancyB 12-18-2016 05:41 AM

Hi soapdish, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. You did do the right thing by calling the police. So please do not feel guilty about that. You had to save yourself from harm.

In my opinion, there is no way you can let him back in to live with you. Get a restraining order from the police, pack his stuff up and ask him to leave. Give him a list of shelters he can go to along with a list of rehabs he can check into and maybe get a taxi to get him to the place of his choosing.He hasn't yet chose to get help or try to get better on his own and has never had consequences for his actions.

Can you tell your parents so you can have their support? Maybe you can see if there is an alanon meeting near you so YOU can have some support there in Italy.

Most of all, you have to do whatever you need to do for your safety and protection.

Please let us know how you are doing.


soapdish 12-18-2016 08:50 AM

Hello and thank you for the kind reply. The advice is useful and thank you for the link. I have found some associations that can help him and I want him to get help.

I called the police station and they told me he isn't there now but the officer couldn't tell me if he's been released or where he is. I feel like a sitting duck but I am also terrified for him. Maybe he has been beaten by the police or maybe he made a big scene in the cell and now they've arrested him. I am so worried my hands are shaking. I know that his choices are not my responsibilty, but I fear something bad has or is happening to him. He is Moroccan and the police are notoriously hard on foreign people and are inherently racist in the area where I live. Last night one of the officers tried to make me press charges but I told him I don't want to (for fear of making my situation worse. I don't trust the justice system here) and he told me he hopes my boyfriend goes to prison. This is why I fear they may have hurt him or aren't treating him fairly, like holding him without a lawyer. Despire what he has done I don't wish him harm. I wish for him to learn from this and finally sort himself out. Kniwing him, I fear he mught have lashed out at the poluce and made hus situation even worse.

The other scenario is simply that they let him out this morning and he's waiting until it goes dark to come here, as he's probably too ashamed to face any neighbours.

I don't know if I will wait it out or check into a hotel at this point. He can get in. I fixed the door but it's only a superficial repair job and I have to wait until tomorrow to get a locksmith. This is Italy.

I can not tell my parents something like this over the phone. All it will do is break their hearts and could literally give my dad a heartattack or stroke. So no.
I am supposed to go home for Christmas on Thursday. I still want to but I don't know if I will be able to at this point.

My other situation is that I work from home. I have students coming tomorrow. If he comes making a scene when clients are here it will be disastrous. On the other hand if I cancel all tomorrow's lessons I will lose a lot if money, which I need so badly right now. Just changing the locks and repairing the door is going to cost a fortune and I still haven't paid this month's mortgage.
I don't know what I am going to do.

Thank you again everyone for reading and supporting. I am sorry to be so boring and weakminded.

lostdog 12-18-2016 04:36 PM

If you are so afraid of him to come back, he doesn't need to. You can say you have to protect yourself and he needs help. You cannot enable him. Continue to work and be vigilant in standing strong. An alcoholic preys on someone to support him and throws guilt trips at. Thinking of you. Call the police again as needed and protect yourself.

Sam Bailey 12-18-2016 08:26 PM

Hello Soapdish,

Welcome to the Forum.

While that policeman may have appeared cruel by hoping your boyfriend gets sent to prison, being sent to a locked facility may be the best thing for him. As bad as it sounds, it might well save his life.

I would, however, much prefer a locked rehab over a jail cell any day.

As much as this entire situation is about your boyfriend's severe alcoholism, the more important character in the story--and the person in the most overt danger--is you.

Soapdish, I cannot urge you strongly enough to get OUT of this relationship. You are literally risking your life. Moreover, you're not doing him a damn bit of good by staying with him under these same-ol, repetitive circumstances. He MUST wake up to the damage he'd doing and he simply will NOT if he doesn't suffer the consequences of his actions.

See, right now, the most important thing to him, in the world, is NOT you. It is his addiction. He will tell you anything to persuade you to believe his lies. By you believing his false tales allows him to continue drinking.

It is possible that your relationship could improve. But first, HE must make a genuine effort to get better. And to get better, your boyfriend must WANT to get better---and it really doesn't sound like he wants this. I mean, WHY should he, he screws up time after time and, time after time, you allow him to come back---and screw up again.

I don't blame you, Soapdish. This entire matter is a sickness...and you are both ill.

First thing you must do, I repeat, is save your life. Give yourself, and him, some TIME to think clearly.

Best to you, Soapdish!

sam b

soapdish 12-19-2016 06:58 PM

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. Lost dog and Sam Bailey you are so right. Thank you for articulating the situation so well. I have read your posts over and over again and they help me feel strong. Very disappointed in myself but I see that I have let this situation go on for way too long and we're both really deeply in now.
Basically, I let people walk all over me in lots of areas in my life, not just this - work, family, random people in the street even! I am so gullible and I never stick up for myself. I'm so easily manipulated and too submissive. All the time, in everything.

Sam is so right. I have been an immense part of the problem and I absolutely must see that we both need OUT and now. We will die if we stay together like this.

I just have practical things to do now like pack his stuff up and contact a relative to pick it up. The police want to send an accompanying officer. It sounds like a good idea for my safety but it seems a bit extreme to me, rather hostile. Do i need to be hostile? I thought I would ask a neighbour to be there with me instead. I was wondering whether I should write a letter to them and put it with his stuff or give it to them in hand, or what? What should I do? I have no idea how to behave and I don't trust myself at all in decision making. I am awful at taking decisions. The living room light electrical wires are hanging down and there's a hole in the lampshade, because I haven't chosen new lighting yet. See, I just bury my head in the sand even for the little things. Hence my situation. So I'm going to be just fine by myself and for him this is a lifeline, whether he sees that now or not.
Sorry, didn't mean for this to be so long-winded. If you're still reading...

His trial will be on 23rd January. I will be called up. I think the last thing I can do for him is to push for a rehab solution not a punitive one.

The rest is up to him really.

Don't worry for me. I will be fine. If I see him, I will forgive him if that's what he wants. And so I will stay away. I will read this thread when I'm feeling weak.

So thanks again. Truly. Massive wake up call.

I don't know what your own stories are but I hope they have reached or can soon reach a good outcome for you and your loved ones.

R. Lee 12-20-2016 11:47 AM

soapdish, I did not see your post until now. Yes get out of this relationship. Have the police there when his belongings are removed from where you live. It is not being hostile to have them there it shows him you are scared & are serious about him leaving you alone. Get a personal protection order against him. So many victims blame themselves in part. This is so wrong. You are in no way responsible for his breaking into your home & the times he has assaulted you in the past. STAY STRONG!!

Unless he has a criminal history he will not go to prison. He may get jail time at a local jail but no prison.

It sounds like you have a lot of things to work on about yourself. You can start addressing those things after this nightmare is taken care of.

Please stay in contact here so we can support you.

Sam Bailey 12-20-2016 01:12 PM

Hi Soapdish!

RLee is right, 100% correct. Have a Police Officer with you at all times. Anytime that he's apt to be around, I mean.

It is NOT hostile; it's reasonable. Truth is, he has physically assaulted you! Right? Ok, so why wouldn't he do it again? Especially when his anger is likely to be raging...and his alcoholism, as likely, fully active.

Soapdish, this man does not have control of his behavior. Alcohol does!

As I noted before, your relationship, on both sides, is awfully dysfunctional. That doesn't mean, necessarily, that it can never be righted. There is that chance.

However! You BOTH need to begin healing. And doing it "together," while you're both struggling in such a dark place, is not a good idea. It never is, for no one.

I'm delighted to see that you are recognizing all the dynamics at play here. That's always the first step, KNOWING what really is going on. First you know it. Second you begin doing something to repair it.

Best to you, Soapdish!

**Edit: For the record, do not choose a neighbor over a Police Officer to watch your back. Nothing is right about that scenario. Hopefully not, but IF something physical started up, your neighbor has very little legal options...the Cop has 'em all! Not to mention that the officer is likely able to physically handle him/herself better than even the most trusted friend or neighbor. best!


soapdish 12-20-2016 06:11 PM


Thanks for the replies to yesterday's post.

He is in prison. He wasn't released after Saturday. They are keeping him locked up until the trial on the 23rd of January and then he will be sentenced. He will either be sent to prison or put under house arrest. The system is rather complicated and I won't bore you. It is because this was the 7th time the police had been involved.
Yes I am blushing. 7 times (plus all the times I didn't call the police). I needed to wake up earlier. Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde completely. I just had immense faith in the good side until the very end. He was better certainly and this is the sad thing, I thought we'd had a really good week. It was so nice with all the Christmas stuff and he helped in the house so much all week, was really kind and cheerful. That's also why I'm so sad.
I feel so guilty.
But there's no point in 'should have dones'

So in my doubts about the police escort when picking his stuff up, i meant his family will come to pick it up. I have to tell them tomorrow. I have to go to their house and tell them. I don't even know if they know. He did not have a good relationship with them. I don't know them well but I know family reputation is everything to them. Maybe they'll believe me or maybe they'll blame me. There are a lot of them, that's for sure. I don't want to aggravate the situation with a police escort.
I think I will do this: I could physically go to their house tomorrow and speak to them on the intercom and ask the brother, who I know best, to come down into a cafè and I'll just tell him what's happened over coffee.
I can't just take his stuff to their house in a car because I haven't got a driving licence. There aren't taxis. There is one person i could ask for a lift. Otherwise I'll have to get the family to pick it up. In that case, I will tell the brother a time and day and the same to the police.

Alternatively I could just go and ask the police to go and inform the family and pick his stuff up from the police station and have no contact with them whatsoever.

But that will give me absolutely no knowledge of what's happening or control over the situation so I'm reluctant to do that. I'm shaking. thinking about it.

The family could be so ashamed of him that they cut him off completely. Nobody will come and pick his stuff up or they might but not give it him. There are important documents about his case, documents, permit of stay, passport...he needs those. They might just leave him to rot away in prison.

Should I just let go? Completely? I want for him to get better, not worse. The notorious prison in Milan was built for 1000 inmates and houses 1700. That's not rehab. I am so scared. This is the worse thing that's ever happened to me, and him. What have I done?

Seriously panicking.

I'm going back to England on Thursday for a week so I have to get all of this done by then. All his clothes are on the bed in neat piles. Last night I slept on the sofa. I keep telling myself it was his fault but that's not useful. I feel like I took him under my wing and then massacred him. It seems so brutal. I miss him. But he broke my door down and scared me witless. Consequence for action. If it had been his first time he'd just have got a caution. It took the 7th time to go from jail directly to prison. It's not like I hadn't reached out for help before. I think he was just happy at the end of the week and nice all Saturday morning because he knew he was going to get pissed on Saturday evening.
When we were at the police station, he texted me "get me out of here" but he never once sent a text saying "I'm sorry" or "are you ok?2 He sent "I love you" though.
I thought they were just going to keep him overnight and release him the next day, like the other times, so i was frantically trying to get the locks changed on a Sunday. It was really weird because there was thick fog and at the riverbank Sunday mass was taking place. All you could see were ghostly figures and candle lights. Anyway, I bumped into a police officer from the last episode that took place in June and she stopped me on the bridge and told me what was happening. Not to worry that he wasn't being released and he would go in front of the judge on Monday morning. Yesterday afternoon she phoned and told me that he's been sent to prison and the trial will be on the 23rd. So no matter what, he's getting a month in prison. It should sober him up. So long as it's not that overcrowded one (it will be). Should I find out? Then I'll obsessively read scandalous news articles online and drive myself crazy. I am being melodramatic maybe. I watched the TV series Oz. Dear me!

Now the other thing is this: after the previous episode in June he got a letter saying that there was an investigation underway and it had his defense lawyer's contact on it. We met the lawyer and told him our story and he began filing the legal briefs. I have since written to this lawyer explaining what has happened and he says that he hasn't been nominated as the defense lawyer at this trial. So god knows what's happening. He might have a really shitty lawyer or he may have refused one. The good lawyer said I should get the family to contact him. I don't know if I should reach out to the family and help them navigate this nightmare of a legal system. Their Italian isn't good enough to understand it all. But who am I to say that? Keeping contact and helping the family is not letting go is it? I just want to fight for him to get into house arrest in a community centre for addicts. They do exist. I need the family to push the lawyer for that outcome. What do I do? What am I going to do?
I'm going to run away back to England. That's what I will do.
I need to go and put his stuff away and go to bed and stop panicking and remember that morning is wiser than evening.
Thanks for the support. Tomorrow I'm not working much and a friend is coming so I might tell her. It might help me if I confide in someone but I might still need you guys too. Thanks so much again.

soapdish 12-22-2016 08:07 PM


I met the brother and uncle and they were kind and don't blame me.
I think they have disowned my partner. It makes me so sad.
I can't be the one to help him. It can't be me. But he still needs help. He deserves help, despite what he did.
I am so sad today.

Anyway, my mistake. Court isn't 23rd January but tomorrow. He may be released or not. Police won't tell me anything because I am the "victim". ?????? Surely that is why they should tell me???
I am in England now, so I am physically safe if he gets out. I am worried about the house, but I am just trying to not worry. Not imagine him in prison. I did the stupidest thing watching prison documentaries, upsetting myself, after my last post the other evening. I am going up and down hating myself, then feeling strong, then hate again.
I wish he had chosen me and not alcohol.

I told the friend but my story made her cry and think about her uncle, who suffered from drug addiction. I got everything off my chest to, but I felt so bad for upsetting her.

Tomorrow is going to be a windy day, so I think I'll just go for a walk and shout at the wind.

I really want to text him. I won't do it, but today I nearly did.


Thanks, good night

NancyB 12-23-2016 07:19 AM

Hi soapdish, I'm glad you're safe with your family in England. That had to have been a big relief for his brother and uncle being kind and understanding.

You cannot be the one to help him. HE needs to help himself.

Please do not text him or have any contact with him. Please think about blocking his number so you are not tempted and you do not have to read any texts from him or accept any calls from him.

You have to do this for yourself. You have given him chance after chance after chance. In my opinion, if you contact him, he will think it's an opening for you to come back with more empty promises. Then the vicious cycle starts all over again, but with an unknown ending that you can't risk.

This is time for you to heal. For you to move on without guilt and without second guessing yourself. YOU did all YOU could. He has to do all HE can, which he hasn't.

Please take good care of YOU!


lostdog 12-23-2016 09:48 AM

Soapdish, my heart is with you.....don't bear the burden of his rehab and his choices, I do know it is hard for you and you have full sympathies, but to get better you cannot enable him. It is not your burden to tell everyone about him,etc. You are safe, go and get counseling at al alon or private for some stability for yourself on your choices. Keep going forward as I always say. Big hug and best wishes to you.

soapdish 12-23-2016 12:31 PM

It's a huge burden and I deserve to carry it.
I sent another human being to prison.
It is my fault as much as his for being so stupid for so long.
Yes counselling. €70 a session squeezing a cushion telling it how I feel. No thanks.
Free option is a judgmental preachy church meeting. No thanks.

I am sorry. I didn't mean to bore. I just need help and don't know what to do.

I know my posts are virtually illegible. Thanks to those who took time to read and answer.

It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I am so sore.

Thanks and sorry again.

Sam Bailey 12-23-2016 01:01 PM

Hello Soapdish,

I don't want to add to your pain, or your confusion. Yet if I don't speak honestly then I AM adding to your suffering.

So, let me say:

You are trying so damn hard to render your boyfriend the innocent party in this terrible, maybe deadly, drama that you're blind to the truth. He hurt you, Soapdish. Physically and emotionally. WHY shouldn't he face up to that truth?

Somehow, I suspect, you feel that if you hurt yourself badly enough, everything will be cosmically okay. That is not true.

I have experienced your story on many levels. Never does it work to absolve the abuser of his deeds.

In order for him to get well---and in order for the two of you to stand a freaking chance in life together---HE must face the consequences of his actions---and you must be willing to tell the truth that HE did some pretty damn bad things to you.

Any way but the right way will fail.

You don't have to spend a bunch of money in therapy, nor do you have to sit and listen to some preacher, if you don't want to do that.

Al Anon is a free organization made up of people JUST LIKE YOU, people who have experienced, or are experiencing, the alcohol related problems of addiction in a family member. They know what you're facing...and they know, first hand, just how hard it is to place the blame where it belongs....which is on him, not you.

They know this because they went through it, just as you're going through it now.

I wish you the best, Soapdish, in whatever choice you make.

sam b

soapdish 12-24-2016 05:21 PM


Nancy, Lostdog, Sam Bailey thanks so much. Your words are precious to me.

You are right. I know I must stop defending him and mothering him. It's out of my hands for now. My concern is not really with what I did. I firmly believe I had no choice. What he did to the solid wood door, could have been my face so I really had no choice. If it had been the first time the police had had to intervene, he would have just got a caution, he wouldn't be in prison right now. So yeah, he deserves to be there and it might just save his life..our lives.
My concern is that the prison system is horrific. He still deserves dignity and help. Not from me. I know that. I have to stop mothering.
I found an association today who work to help new inmates. They provide blankets, soap etc and orientation and counselling. So I have contacted them and I hope they can offer a lifeline to him. I just want someone to fight for rehab not just let him rot away in Milan's overcrowded prison.
It's the last thing I can do I feel. His family want nothing more to do with him.

I am keeping busy, made a completely pointless origami Xmas tree and some reindeer today. Very therapeutic and kept me out of the pub.
Mum needs help cleaning and washing so I'm just being busy. Doom and gloom never helped anyone.
There'll be good days and bad days I know that, but heck, this is not the only thing in my life and I can't let it be all-consuming. When I go back to Italy after the hols, I'm gonna redecorate and try to stop ruminating so much.

I truly thank you all for your supportive replies.
I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Let's all stay strong during this tempting time of year and remember that addiction, our mistakes, our pain, our hurt to ourselves and others are not the only things that define us.

Big hugs to everyone and thank you all soooooooooo much :)

lostdog 12-24-2016 08:51 PM

And a very merry Christmas to you!

soapdish 12-25-2016 09:03 AM

And to you!😀

NancyB 12-26-2016 08:40 AM

Hi soapdish, I'm glad that you realized what you did is what you NEEDED to do to, as you said, save both of you. And by contacting that organization, you gave him tools that he hopefully will choose to utilize to start in getting better.

I hope you had a peaceful Christmas and will continue to heal and take care of YOU.


soapdish 12-26-2016 11:30 AM


Thanks for checking in on me.

I think I have known for a long time what I needed to do but having the courage to do it is another matter.

The last two days have been very hard but today I am perkier. I let myself become so rundown over the last few months that I am anaemic but the iron pills and Marmite are kicking in and now Christmas is over I am more relaxed.

Yesterday was a struggle. My dad kept asking me if I wanted a glass of flipping Champagne!

But I didn't. I just put some apple juice in fizzy water so my glass looked the same as theirs 😉

Christmas is always hard going and I admit I went to the shop on Christmas Eve purposely to buy some booze to 'take the edge off' but when I got in the shop I just bought some cat treats and came home. I am so glad. Returning to drink isn't gonna help anybody is it now?

I am sad for me and for him. But I also feel a sense of relief and hope.

I will be honest and say that there is still a long way to go. If I see him I don't trust myself to remain firm, so I must not see him now.

It's good that I am in England with my parents, distracted by their obligatory Christmas cheer.

This forum has been a real help. I mean the people on this forum have been helping me so much. I can't thank you all enough. I have been reading others' stories and I see I did the right thing: the only thing. Domestic abuse forums were not helpful when I reached out. They tend to demonise the alcoholic, but this place has helped me accept that my situation is tge result of an illness and a two-way tango. Him, his addictions and my addiction to him. I the enabler for so long. Too long.

I wrote months ago on another thread. I knew then I was on a slippery slope. He was on his last last chance and he knew it. Maybe it was indeed a cry for action. I will never know but we hit the end of the line and even if he is probably going through withdrawal alone on a cold hard prison floor, the cycle HAD TO be broken.
I will always have a sadness in me because it is sad. He is so young and so lovely when sober. But it was the only choice left and I don't need to be afraid in my own home anymore.

How are you people getting on?

I admire you all and I'm thinking of you (even if my posts are all about me, myself & I).

Big big hugs

soapdish 12-26-2016 03:30 PM

I realise that I've been speaking badly about some help groups out there. I just meant the ones I have personally contacted in my area. Please don't let that put YOU off from calling hotlines or joining groups available in YOUR area if you've been reading my posts.
It was just my personal experience in the area of Italy where I live.
By no means does it mean all organisations are like I described.

soapdish 12-27-2016 03:54 PM

Got through another day 😁

Amazing people on this forum. Stories of strength and survival.

Big big hugs to all.

lostdog 12-27-2016 06:23 PM

Hi and good for you to vent here. We talk a lot some days more than others. I'm glad you are doing well. Just take one day at a time and don't feel guilt yourself. You are worth it.

soapdish 12-27-2016 07:13 PM

The newspaper published a HORRIBLE article about it. They put my address, nationality and age so it's pretty obvious who I am.
I was so upset but I managed to find the journalist's email and I wrote to her. I couldn't believe the insensitivity. I think I wrote a good email, calm but assertive. She won't remove the article but she has modified it so at least I can't be identified.
It is just so cruel.
As if enough isn't going on in my head already.
How are you?

soapdish 12-29-2016 08:14 AM

Just checking in.
I know I'm rather boring.
Move on Soapdish!

Just that writing here helps me do just that. Trying not to ruminate too much.

I am returning to Italy tomorrow but this break has been good for me. Walking on the frosty beach every day. Nothing is more powerful than the sea. Highly recommend pets, walks, nature. The best kind of therapy, for me at least.

Feeling kinda anxious about going back to my empty house tomorrow. His memory is there. Evidence of the turmoil too...broken window, coffee table, door, so much stuff.
But it's only stuff.

Do I have such a low opinion of myself that I put up with such terror in my own home for so long? Or is my heart just so big I thought I could save him: my love would be enough?
Maybe I'm just a fool.

Make peace with the past and the bad choices I've made. Learn from experience and get on with life. Advice ftom you guys that I'm running through my head like a mantra.

I am going to take a bag of clothes, blankets, books and fresh fruit to the prison for him but I will leave it anonymously with a volunteer.
I want to write a letter. Do you think that's a bad idea?
I just want to say I forgive him and to forgive himself too. To take one day at a time. To be strong and fight the addiction. Is it too early? Could contact do more harm than good?

Should I hate him? Why do I forgive so easily? Because I know addiction is the demon, not him.

Am I wrong? When I used to dr ink I did so many stupid things. I endangered myself so many times, I might have shouted and ranted at people but I never hurt a fly. Is the alcohol (plus I suspect cocaine) really responsible for his abuse? Or is violence within him, augmented when high? I would like to understand. Perhaps I never will. He never hurt me when sober, that's true.

How is everyone else today?
Stay in touch.
I love you all.
Really. So proud of all you survivors.

Alexis 12-29-2016 01:06 PM

Hello Soapdish, read through your thread and sorry you are finding things so difficult right now. I dont think you should contact him just yet, it is too soon.

Where abouts were you in the UK? By the beach sounds lovely! Im in Manchester.

You are a strong person, please believe that.

Peace xx

NancyB 12-29-2016 02:12 PM

Hi soapdish, no you're not boring, it's just a bit slow around here during the holiday week. And you're not a fool. I think it's more you have a big heart and so wanted him to help him but he has to help himself.

I agree with Alexis, I think it's too soon to contact him. Also, let that agency you contacted give him clothes, blankets, etc. You really need to heal yourself. In my opinion, by doing that, he may know it was you, especially if they're his clothes from your house. Just let him find himself, work on himself and cut all contact. It's more for you to heal, move forward and sort through your feelings.

While it's true that the addiction 'makes' him do mean things, his sober self didn't do anything to help himself. I believe that is something he needs to work on while sober, hopefully he will. Who knows, maybe sometime in the far future you can be friends. But for now, you must take care of yourself and be kind to yourself first and foremost.

I hope you have a much happier 2017.

Sending hugs.


soapdish 12-30-2016 05:26 AM

I am listening to the precious advice.
I'm also gonna try and not be so self-absorbed!
Alexis... I'm flying from Manchester today!!! (I'm from a town near Liverpool) I will be thinking of you. Best of luck for your appointment today!

Alexis 12-30-2016 10:29 AM

May that town be Crosby? i do love Crosby beach if so.

You are so close, if only we were able to grab a coffee! Ill be thinking of you too. And sending you strength xx

lostdog 12-30-2016 11:24 AM

best wishes soapdish, send us a message soon.

NancyB 12-30-2016 02:33 PM

Hi soapdish, have a safe trip home. Please! You were not/are not self absorbed at all!

Be safe. Check in when you can.


soapdish 12-31-2016 07:05 AM

Thanks for everyone's well wishes.
I am ok. It was a relief to find the cats well and pleased to see me.

I was very scared and I felt as if the ceiling was going to fall on me. But I told myself it's ok to be overwhelmed, it's my first night back. I rode it out and today is another day!

It was a good flight even if Ryanair are hateful. When we landed, the woman next to me dropped her suitcase on my bag and squished all my mince pies!
So that made me laugh.

I can't be arsed doing anything today but I know it's better to keep busy.

The associations haven't replied. I probably have to wait until after the 6th January. I've decided that I'm just gonna donate his stuff to them for people like him. Not specifically for him as I originally wanted to. I think you're right, contact would make everything I've done pointless. He needs a complete cut off from me and he has to suffer the consequences of his actions because he had warnings: If you come here drunk and aggressive ever again, I will lock you out. If you hurt me again I will call the police, and so I did. We both just have to live with it now.

I feel like a butterfly whose wings have been pulled off.

What a crap way to start 2017.
But it's ok. I will be fine soon. I just need to get used to being on my own and keep remembering how lucky I am and that I can be a resilient person if I set my mind to it.

Oh no! I've written another long post!

Massive hugs to everyone

lostdog 12-31-2016 03:03 PM

way to go !!strong, well deserved intentions for you and the new year for you.

NancyB 12-31-2016 07:09 PM

Happy 2017 soapdish! May it be peaceful, happy and healthy for you.

Continue being gentle with yourself and taking care of yourself. I'm very proud of you for not rescuing him once again. I see you not as a butterfly whose wings have been pulled off, but as a caterpillar metamorphosing into a beautiful butterfly.

Hugs to you!


Alexis 01-02-2017 08:33 AM

How are you today Soapdish? xx

soapdish 01-02-2017 11:44 AM


Thanks so much for asking.

I've decided not to think about it when I'm at home alone. I just get overwhelmed and depressed.

I've decided not to worry about the future. There's no point in what ifs.
I'll just deal with whatever comes, when it comes. I will spring into action nearer to the hearing. I am scared he will want revenge and he knows my deepest fear but I'm pushing to the back of my mind otherwise I'll go mad.
This whole thing has aged me. I feel so tired. But soon I'll be ok. If I want to be, and I do. I'm grateful for every day and it's better to focus on the good things. So I feel fragile but trying to get stronger.
I don't really want to go out but I haven't got any food. Only chocolate Santas and frozen peas! But I will go out otherwise it will just get harder to do so.
So yeah being positive. Focussing on the good in my life. I know I have to let it out sooner or later but right now I just want to hold it together so my strategy is to put my head in the sand for a bit and then I'll work on myself. It's important just to stay calm and positive.
I'm happy you wrote to me Alexis. Thanks for a place to share.
Love to you

Alexis 01-02-2017 03:32 PM

No problem SD, happy you are here.

Do you meditate? really helps me keep calm.

And read? Nice distraction!

Yes go out and get some nice food, salad, fruit, veggies :) It really does help when you have all those vitamins!

Keep talking to us, we are here for you now xx

lostdog 01-02-2017 04:55 PM

good advice on not worrying, it is hard to do sometimes. Hope you have a nice week Soapdish, Happy New Year!

soapdish 01-04-2017 08:38 AM


Finished decorating. Looks much better and stopped me from moping around. Also forced me to get in the shower. Too cold to varnish the front door though!
Doing very well with the decisions. I can't look at myself in the mirror but I'm being gentle on myself. Trying to be nice and kind to myself and give myself the advice I'd give a sister or friend.
So just to say... hope you all have a lovely day.

Alexis 01-04-2017 03:51 PM

you are doing great SD keep it up and know we are here for you when you need help xx

1418 01-06-2017 01:47 PM

SD - please be your own best friend. Be kind to yourself. The things you say to yourself earlier in the thread... I'm willing to bet a HUGE sum of money that you would never ever say those things to or about another human being.

Self-talk can be a real ... stinker. Distracting yourself when your self-talk becomes mean is a great idea. So is reading, listening to music, trying to do math... If you are engaged in a math problem it is impossible for your brain to simultaneously be in "freak out" mode as well.

I used the above when I was going through what you are going through.

It was better when I required my self talk to only say things to myself that I would say to another friend. I know - sounds crazy.. but seriously... we are soooo mean to ourselves. It is unbelievable.

Journaling might help to... "You won't believe what my self-talk is saying right now...." Get it out, then do some math problems and come back later when you are feeling better. You will start to get perspective.

Hang in there. You've got this!

soapdish 01-07-2017 05:09 AM


I'm sorry you had to go through this too.
I'm just sad, worried and scared. I have had panic attacks all my life and I know how to ride them out when they come. But this feels different. It's more like genuine fear. The wind was rattling the window and I turned to jelly. From one perspective I feel strong and calm. I don't feel in danger of returning to drinking. I feel positive but then something like the wind rattling the window just sets me off suddenly even if I've been distracted and not self-talking meanly. So I think it's just due to stress and being in tbe house.

I want to move on but there are real practical matters that are stopping me. It's like there's a big raincloud overhead and I have to keep checking the sky for the thunderstorm.
I got a letter on Thursday from the court saying that I haven't nominated a defense lawyer and that I have 20 days to view the legal briefs and build a case in opposition of the case being archived.
So I don't know. What does that even mean? Why do I need a lawyer? How is going to look at some legal documents going to be vonstructive?
So what do I do? Get a lawyer, press charges, let this drag on for months and take over my life. To what end? To make sure he gets sent away for a while? It feels so cruel and wrong.
If I just ignore it he could be out in a month. I really don't think a month sober is enough for him. It was forced sobriety too. Not exactly his choice. I don't know. He might be very angry too and come back to hurt me.
How can I know? I don't know what to do. I am just waiting.
I think I should stay informed about where he is but I don't want to get a lawyer and go into the jungle of the Italian legal system.
So that's all really. Rather repetitive. Just the arrival of the letter dragged up the reality of the situation.

Tryntryagain 01-07-2017 07:07 AM

Good morning dear Soapdish....errr...yup, still the morning in my dear ole Blighty. The brightest of blessings to you.

I need to be forgiven here in that i had no idea what was going on for you recently. Truly i didn't. Your eloquence leaves me in no doubt that what is going on at the moment is right next to ****king horrible.

There are so many things i want to share with you around this, and as you know Tryn will read between all the lines, and i will get there.

Firstly there is a connection with yourself you need....and are not recognising you have. These circumstances came about from your courage.

In circumstances on the journey of life, how many times do we find ourselves in a situation that we did not ask for, can not understand why we are here, and thus feel so very resentful that the journey appears to be stinking of rotten fish? When those circumstances are affairs of the heart....when love has been given so there is nothing are left with the metaphorical "bill" to-boot.

Back in the day i went to court as a victim along with another 17 boys. The world was promised to us, our bravery communicated in God like hushes.......and the whole shebang/case "collapsed".... it amounted to a hill of beans.......and our "bravery" was ushered out of court and disposed of as quickly as possible so it was.

I drank for a couple of decades on that. A bit like having done something amazing in life and folk say...."i bet you dined out free on that for awhile!".....i did so because i regretted....while drinking.... every...single....minute of it.

I am 51 in March, 1 day at a time i chose abstinence, and i look back on my journey and through sober eyes?......God it was hard. I regret precisely nothing.

If i could i would drag those now dead ****ers back through court.....look at i would.

I would not do so because i was "brave"...."courageous".....not because i seek revenge.....simply because i have found my voice and it deserves to be heard. Within that process resides...."me".

Lawyers and whatnot should be seen as what ifs and never minds.....they are specifically there to empower your voice to be heard and to fiddle around with the bullshit....(da law)...that they seem to think is dreadfully important...which of course it has to be. In their own way they seek justice and truth. In doing so the perpetrator, the accused... has nowhere left to run.

The fears around another, stalking....threatening.....the very fact of "could do...might do" the shackles still binding your strength like Samsons hair.

Make no mistake, you have been put in this position in yourself, and on the journey of your life by another. If....and it is a big if, the process of courts and lawyers is something your voice feels a need to do....then do it.

If not....your own voice will give you an alternative pathway. Follow it if that is the case.

The point i am trying to make is trust you...believe you....hear your voice and follow your heart.

That is all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear Soapdish.

soapdish 01-08-2017 04:58 AM


Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my thread. I am sorry that you and those other boys were victims and I appreciate you sharing your experience here with me.

There is a lot of wisdom in your writing.

The thing is, if I follow my heart, I will write a letter to him. I will go to visit him and I will never let go. So I don't trust my heart. I don't want to listen to my gut anymore. The feeling of betrayal and that this is my fault resurfaces. So I think I have to ignore my heart for a little while. I need to detach emotionally and just keep repeating that it was the right thing, the only thing to do.
So I will listen to my head and try to be intelligent instead of an emotional wreck.

Damn right about the whatifs being shackles! You write beautifully and I really appreciated the metaphor.

Since I came back from England I've been smoking a lot of pot. I realise that this is a rubbish idea but it has helped me have an appetite and to sleep, even if I've just been crashing on the sofa.

I realise that this is rather self-,destructive and not the way forward so I'm not going to buy anymore.

I just keep chewing over everything that's happened -ruminating- as a way to digest it. Hence writing down all these thoughts here and smoking pot. I'm trying to get it out if my systen. Rereading my posts I see that I'm just going around in circles.
But it's like I need to keep working through my thoughts until I'm exhausted and bored of thinking about it and then I can stop and let go.
I'm nearly there.
Now I have to be more active in quashing the negative thoughts and staying strong. When I can think about the situation with emotional detachment and clarity, I will know what to do and how to behave.

Thanks so much for listening to me!
Have a lovely Sunday

soapdish 01-08-2017 05:03 AM

Oh gosh...I sound so snooty in my post! Sorry about that!

soapdish 01-08-2017 05:06 AM

Note to self: stop apologizing all the time :)

Tryntryagain 01-08-2017 07:38 AM

Good afternoon dear Soapdish. Bright blessings to you.

Something very, very important that you shared.....

"...when i can think about the...(a).... situation with emotional detachment and clarity, i will know what to do and how to behave"......

Yes, yes you will....without emotion....and the type of provides. Like the pendulum of "doing what you have always done....." the clock can be re-set.

Deeper still...yourself...your self worth. Your journey that still in all of us, as for you, carry's the child that will ever be us within us, our maturity simply acting as a parent to ourselves whilst still letting the child out to feel safe, and to play.

We talk of self confidence, self esteem and lack of it as you know between us all.....yet take yourself not back in time perse....yet to the inward child that climbed those trees with no fear.....that passed animals by without knowledge or terror, that confidence and self esteem were the very cradles inwhich you it is in you now. Right now.

I am not sure were "too snooty came from".....maybe too much pot smoke up yer schozzle!

There are 2 important components to cannabis. THC.....and i think CDT? Now THC is what gets you stoned, and CDT is medicinally ever so useful. Nowhere in the world will you find any exponent of cannabis suggest that smoking cannabis is in anyway "good"for you. Taking it, a different story.

My qualifications for this letter lay in a human bod that used to roll a big fat spliff before i went to bed specifically for when i woke up in the morning. Not to mention the spliffs for bed.

So i would wake up on Larrys living room floor....reach over.....have a few puffs....get up....go to the fridge.....drink. I got to a stage where my addiction had morphed and i could not consider a drink without pot, and i could not smoke pot without a drink.

Boy was that a depressant time.

When i thought of my sobriety i thought it meant stopping drinking. I did.....then started drinking again. And so the cycle churned around. "Oh i'll give up drinking, yet not smoking pot or ciggys"....i need them.

I couldn't.

It ended up, and my brothers Saint and R Lee are incumbent around this, that it really had nothing to do with "giving up anything"....moreover taking up something. Health and well being. The alternative at times feels like hiding in a hiding place...and just waiting for lifes punches to come. Most of them come along in the form of folk.

I have literally hidden in doorways as i describe. Both physically and deep inside me. Now i am "out" Hand on my heart the only thing more scary than walking out of hiding being in them.

So many hearts on on your side......add yours to the list.

You are a brave soul.....use it for you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you dear Soapdish

soapdish 01-09-2017 05:18 AM

Good morning,

How are you?
I am ok.

Thanks for your message Tryntryagain.

His brother came yesterday to get his stuff. Only problem he came on foot, not by car. I'd told him there were a lot of bags. Nincompoop! So anyway, he didn't take all the bags. They are still cluttering my bedroom but nevermind, a few more days. I decided not to take anything to the prison myself. His family can do it. His brother said nobody from the family has been to see Abdul in prison yet but that he would be going today for the first time, and so he took one bag of clothes and towels. He didn't have any other news.
I gave the brother a list of local associations and social services but I could tell he didn't want to talk about it to me. I asked after his mum & dad. He said they are fine. So I dunno. It's out of my hands now.

I will just keep tabs on where Abdul is, but I'm not getting a lawyer.

Something quite strange happened.
I sometimes do translations for extra cash and this weekend I had one from a psychotherapist. It was all about anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD and the path to wellness. Coincidence! Anyway, it was about regressive hypnosis as a strategy for working through such issues. I was wondering if anybody has tried such an approach?

Love and healing
And a beautiful day to all

soapdish 01-10-2017 05:21 PM

a wonderful thing happened this morning.

On my way to work, cycling along a busy road, I saw a little brown thing flickering on the tarmac. As I got closer I saw that it was a little injured robin redbreast in the middle of the road.
I put my brakes on and blocked the road, while I picked it up and carried it to the side and I gently put it under a big plant away from the road. I got on my bike, wished the robin well and cycled off to work, hoping little robin would make it.

On my way back, some 3 hours later, I was just approaching the plant on my bike, when from under the exact bush flew a little robin. I was still riding, slowly now, and the robin flew onto a nearby fence, chirped and flew off.

It might not have been my robin. It might not have been waiting for me. It may have been a coincidence but I prefer to think of it as a message. Like he was telling me that everything will be ok soon.

lostdog 01-10-2017 08:26 PM

oh how sweet, I really am glad you are viewing things this way. You are a nice kind person and I wish you the best

Alexis 01-11-2017 05:10 AM

ah what a lovely little tale of the robin!! A lovely sign as you say, i hope you take some strength from that and keep moving forward.

Love and peace to you xx

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