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-   -   Day 1 (for about the 20th time) (http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=29944)

Catfish 04-20-2015 07:57 PM

Day 1 (for about the 20th time)
 
Hello everyone. :-)

Today is my day one. It's much like most of the other day ones I've had before, but this time I'm a lot more scared. There are several reasons for this. One, that I have proved really quite unsuccessful in the past at any lasting sobriety. Two, that I've proved really very GOOD at (quite impressive) lasting sobriety in the past and then forgotten why I got sober in the first place.

But mostly I'm scared because I know that I now really, really have to do this. I am 35 years old and have been drinking heavily for about fifteen years, and drinking REALLY heavily (with varying lengths of sobriety) for about seven years.

I do not have the energy to fight this fight any more. My insides hurt. My head hurts. It is such a boring, tedious fight and I am so very, very tired of it.

The thing that makes me less scared is having spent a large part of my day reading through some of the amazing threads on this forum, so hello to you all, and thank you.

It's 11:55pm here.

I made it today. :-)

Sam Bailey 04-20-2015 09:12 PM

Hey Catfish!

Welcome. Glad you're here. And please, keep posting.

How about a little more info re yourself, such as.....what have you done previously to get sober? Are you doing anything now, beyond reaching out here, to help yourself recover? Do you have any kind of support system? Friends, family, a Support Group? Maybe some kinda therapy?

You know, stuff/info like that. Also, include how much you're drinking, how often you drink, etc., etc.

Anyway.

SO glad you've come aboard.

Not to sound too damn corny, but really, you CAN reclaim your life. I mean, like, it actually IS possible. Me? Well, I was lost in the wretched darkness of active addiction for 20-something years. There were times when I thought I was lost for good, as in forever lost.

But I was not; I am not.

You don't have to be lost either.

So okay. Again, Catfish: Welcome!

best,

sam b

Catfish 04-20-2015 09:59 PM

Thank you Sam! And thank you for taking an interest. I didn't want to start out with an essay and bore everyone to tears before I'd even been here five minutes. :p

Previously I have tried AA, group therapy, one-to-one addiction counselling, CBT, more counselling, various books and hypnosis recordings and plain old will power.

What I'm doing differently this time is trying to be very, very compassionate with myself. I have a history of hideous guilt and self-loathing.

My drinking goes in cycles. I 'manage' for a while with just weekends or every other night, then I 'manage' by only having a bottle of wine a night. Then before I know it I'm waking up at 4:30am and having more wine just to get back to sleep, and that can be after three bottles the afternoon/evening before.

Whilst trying to be compassionate with myself however I am also reminding myself that I cannot go through this again and again. I WANT to live and as I have a long term illness I genuinely don't think my body will last much longer than this if I allow even a drop of wine past my lips.

So, I guess this time I've managed to really scare myself, but I'm also scared of failing, scared of insomnia, scared that I can't get back who I once was (actually, I don't want to be her so maybe I'm scared I can't grow and NOT be who I once was).

So, yeah. I am just scared and so bored of this fight. Right now I feel as though if I went back on the wine I may as well book into Dignitas as there'd be no hope for my recovery, but I know that is just how I feel right now.

I'll be posting again. :)

R. Lee 04-20-2015 10:43 PM

Catfish, Welcome!!!! I love your post because it takes me where I was.

Thank you for taking the time to read through some of our threads before you posted something.

Great to see that you made it through the 1st day. ( just a suggestion) Try the same thing tomorrow just concentrating on just staying for the day. It is the only way I was able to start putting some sober days together.

I love it when someone new comes in here. It takes me back to where I have been & where I will go back to if I pick up that 1st drink.

No matter what keep posting.

R. Lee 04-21-2015 12:33 AM

Catfish, I hope you are OK. Are you from across the pond like Tryn & Alexis?

Catfish 04-21-2015 07:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by R. Lee (Post 453440)
Catfish, I hope you are OK. Are you from across the pond like Tryn & Alexis?

How did you guess? :)

Day two, and bizarrely I feel really hungover. I know it will take a while though!

I'll be back later to report on progress!

Catfish 04-21-2015 09:35 AM

I didn't have time to tell you earlier about my low point yesterday. My son got back from school. He usually takes his school shoes straight off and leaves them in the basket by the front door, but today he came to my room and I immediately noticed a HUGE 3IN HOLE in the front of one of his shoes!

"OMG, how did that happen?"

"I don't know, but my feet get wet when it rains."

"Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I kept forgetting to."

He's a forgetful sort of boy, my son, and I, mortified, went straight out and bought him new school shoes. Of course, you can imagine the text messages that I was sending to my OH while out. I am the worst mother in the history of the world, I am wracked with guilt, I am so awful, how could I not notice his shoes? My OH replied quite simply: 'I'm the one that does the school runs. I'm the one that picks him up. So this is all on me for not noticing. As soon as you realised you went out and bought him new shoes. I hadn't even noticed the hole, but you did.'

I can't fault his logic, I guess, but this is the sort of absolute self-loathing and guilt that would usually send me straight out for some wine.

I'm sure most of you can relate. I've spent a lot of my life feeling that I personally am directly responsible for everything that has ever made anyone I have ever met, known, or loved unhappy. You remember WW2? Me neither, but I'm pretty sure that was my fault too. What a silly way of thinking. :o

gmasusie 04-21-2015 10:04 AM

Catfish,

Welcome! Your way of thinking is no sillier than the other alcoholics here. We all are so self-centered that we think the state of the economy is our fault!!!

As RLee says, it is simple. Just for today, don't take a drink. Worry about the rest later, after you have some sober time under your belt. We care and will support you all we can. You have taken the biggest step, admitting to us that you want to quit drinking. If you have gone one day, you can make it one more. We are rooting for you.

Susie

Catfish 04-21-2015 10:20 AM

Thank you Susie. I'm really pleased to meet you as I've seen lots of your posts on the site and have related to so much of what you've had to say on other threads. :)

R. Lee 04-21-2015 10:29 AM

Catfish, Just do not drink today. You do not have to have the burden of the world on your shoulders.

Catfish 04-21-2015 10:47 AM

That's my plan, R.Lee. It's helpful that I'm not smoking this time, either. In the past I've replaced alcohol with extra cigarettes, or cigarettes with extra alcohol, of course ending up doing far too much of both! I just recently managed to find an e-cigarette that works for me, so although I'm 'vaping', I've done away with the other 4,000 chemicals in cigarettes.

I will not drink today. :)

iamtrying 04-21-2015 11:18 AM

Hi Catfish....

Welcome to the group...You are not alone...everyone is traveling the same road.. Your life is priority to you, you are the best person to take care of it, besides all the advice you can get from world. Basically, it's all in your head and in your hands.

Don't think too much too far....be in today, take one day at a time...show your stubbornness to be sober, do whatever it takes to be sober for just today and be so...try to follow this everyday...

I do this everyday, I train my mind and reiterate everyday : what I want and what is important to me...below are the lines

"One day at a time, I am responsible for my actions and their consequences, Think thru the first drink and first urge, Relax and easy!"

Please don't short sell your life for so cheap, take one day at a time and enjoy...it is hard initially but you will get used to it ...

This is a great group of people supporting each other...nobody is judging here....we fall, we dust and we walk...and move on...

Have a great day!

gmasusie 04-21-2015 11:44 AM

Well said, Iamdoing.

Catfish 04-21-2015 12:04 PM

I like the name change very much. I saw it in the other thread and thought 'perfect'! But then I guess we are all trying, taking one day at a time. And I for one am trying. I've always been a very trying person. :D

Millie 04-21-2015 02:04 PM

Hi Catfish. Welcome. :)

Like R. Lee (I think?) said, we can all do this together.

Tryntryagain 04-21-2015 03:42 PM

Good evening Catfish. Bright blessings to you.

Welcome Catfish.

"I am running out of bullets. HERE."...."i am running out of food HERE""......i am running out of me......"never".

No one runs out of them.

"I do not have the energy to fight this fight anymore". Yes you do.....and you're going to do it. Why?, because you are fighting! To have written that most incredible post, i would suggest you read back your OWN words. They came from your heart.

Sobriety does not "hurt", it is just different. It is the best.

WW2 your faullt?...i'm up for that. Well......someones got to come forward for the very expensive boat that my ...ummmm......Grandfather had......ummmm, somewhere on the south coast. What did it look like? Well it was enourmous, i think you will find that the claim against you might include the Titantic, (he owned that as well of course).....while we are at it....i could always whack on WW1 on the same Writ?

Welcome Catfish.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Catfish

Catfish 04-21-2015 06:29 PM

Well, you know, I don't like to bring up WW1 but I'm sure that was me, too. ;)

Thank you so much Tryn, and you know what? I made it to the end of day two and am now in my bed! Yaaaaay!

Although this is when the anxiety and the insomnia start, but I guess a blessing in disguise is that my health has been very bad today, so I'm hoping sleep won't elude me for too long tonight.

(Who knew that water so so yummy by the way?! :D )

Catfish 04-21-2015 06:32 PM

Oh, and thank you, too, Millie. I was going to reply to you earlier but had to step away for dinner-related activity. :)

Tryntryagain 04-21-2015 07:18 PM

Catfish.......(bright blessings to you)......

I am answering what you wrote on my thread.

I get you. I understand what is liked to be loved, but not love yourself. I understand the loneliness of wanting to be loved, and yet it is all around you. I understand what it is like to know love, but not let it in. And i have lived long enough to control how much love i let in.

Tryn is not the world greatest mathamatician, but there is an equasion in there somewhere.

+ - x # ? % $ x ?? = life.

To be loved is easy peasy, to love oneself this family is helping me to do. It means i can not be happy with another until i can be happy with myself.

That's clever....what do i mean?

I could guess, but i have learnt that doesnt matter, for one reason or another, i find it hard to look in the mirror. I am comfortable i have done nothing to prevent me looking into my own eyes, but just "me", yuk.

Well clearly that is nonsense, but i can not help the way i feel.

Even if i have tried to approach those whom i have looked up to, to show them a "completely different side to me", i couldn't do it. That is why you, and all my brothers and sisters here mean the world to me. I can "tell" here.

I bet my bottom dollar, that everyone of us here struggle with our own self esteem, our own confidence, none of us need to do so right?

If a lack of confidence was a car, my bumper, (fender in the big place?) would be dragging down the road behind me.

And so Tryn did.... what any self respecting person that doesnt respect themselves did......make out they do.

Here, with patience and sharing, we can untangle ourselves, find the insight and trust we have been looking for within ourselves, by travelling together on our journeys.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Catfish

lostdog 04-21-2015 08:02 PM

Welcome Catfish and hope your day is going well. I think when you get some time here and read and post you will understand the gift of all the wonderful people on this sight. This website is a great tool for you. You just have to go day to day and no judgement. Best wishes to you!

iamtrying 04-21-2015 10:12 PM

Catfish hold strong you can do it...congrats on 2 days....every moment counts every day counts and every count counts..

have a great night

gmasusie 04-22-2015 01:00 AM

Catfish, Try to identify someone you can call if you need strength and support. We are here; we just may take a while to get back to you. You can do this! We are living proof.

Alexis 04-22-2015 06:52 AM

Hello Catfish, good to meet another Brit! Me and Tryn were getting lonely haha

How are you today?

I relate to SO much that you write, its scary haha from the work, the way people see you, the way you view yourself, to controlled drinking, to blaming everything on yourself...

Keep posting, this place is a saviour. x

Catfish 04-22-2015 08:57 AM

Thanks Alexis. Aren't we having great weather recently?! Not like Britain at all!

Yes, I've done the controlled drinking thing so many times. It takes ages to get to the place where you realise it just doesn't work for most folk like us. The amount of rules I've put on myself in the past is laughable: never on week days, never in the house, only at events, never in my own postcode, never before 9pm. It's amazing how the booze brain can trick you though. "I usually only drink on Saturdays so I'll be fine to have one on Wednesday/I can't drink in the house so I will ring everyone I know until I find someone who wants to go to the pub/today is an 'event' because I need to celebrate pairing all of the socks."

Such mean tricks our illness/addictive voice/brain plays on us!

Day three and I feel absolutely dreadful. I didn't get to sleep until 5:30am and am in loads of pain today. I'm taking this as a good reason to go very easy on myself today and drink lots of tea and water.

I wish you all an absolutely wonderful, positive and peaceful day. :)

iamtrying 04-22-2015 11:31 AM

Catfish...congrats on day-3...get rest and keep your mind busy with something and don't stay hungry...I am very happy for you. You inspire me.
thank you.

Saint 04-22-2015 11:58 AM

Catfish,

I'm sorry to hear you are in pain today. An injury? Do try and get some rest. We are weak when tired.

You speak volumes about alcoholics attempting controlled drinking. Your recollections are similar to others I have heard who have attempted the same. Thanks for sharing.

Hang in there. You have a lot of support here!

Regards,
Saint

Catfish 04-22-2015 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iamtrying (Post 453543)
Catfish...congrats on day-3...get rest and keep your mind busy with something and don't stay hungry...I am very happy for you. You inspire me.
thank you.

From the words of the renamed inspiration themselves. Thank you. :)

Catfish 04-22-2015 01:13 PM

Thank you Saint. :) Yes, I may be a fairly young alcoholic but I've been painfully aware of what I am for many years. It's only quite recently that I realised how incredibly tiring it was trying to CONTROL my behaviour rather than CHANGE it. Change seems such a positive word, you know? I want more of that in my life, because I never did have the control that was so very, very hard to enforce.

Thank you for enquiring. It's a long-term fatigue/pain based disease, so I'm quite used to it, but it makes me quite indignant to feel so rotten when my skin has already started to glow from sobriety.

I think I always liked to fool myself that I only ever felt unwell from drinking, so now part of my challenge is to accept and acknowledge my illness, too.

Hoping you have a wonderful day. :)

Millie 04-22-2015 01:32 PM

I'm very proud of you, Catfish. :)

I too can relate to what you said about being tired of trying to control it and how your brain (even for days and days after as the chemicals work their way out) can fool you.

I hope that with sobriety you can get a handle on managing the pain in a more positive way without piling hangovers on top of it.

Hugs to you.

Catfish 04-22-2015 03:01 PM

That means so much to me, Millie. Thank you so much. :)

I'm hoping I'll find a better way of dealing with it, too. I got my children to come upstairs and play an online drawing game with me for a while to distract me from my 'ouchies' and my daughter gave me a hug to try and get my ribs to stop hurting. I'd have to say the hug didn't anaesthetise it QUITE as much as wine, but it was such a loving gesture that it's left me smiling anyway.

It's 7pm on day three, everyone! Strength and love to each and every one of you! :) x

R. Lee 04-22-2015 04:38 PM

Catfish, Congratulations on day 3. Take it 1 day at a time & think through that 1st. drink.

Saint 04-22-2015 04:39 PM

Catfish,
Lots of people are threatened by change. You have such a positive outlook. I knew I was an alcoholic for decades before I finally did something about. You are very wise for a " young alcoholic" : ) .

Keep posting, learn about addiction, learn about yourself. Sobriety is it's own reward and it also happens to be a great lifestyle!

Know you are not alone in this.

Take care and think through that first drink.
Saint

gmasusie 04-22-2015 06:44 PM

Catfish,

We are all sending good vibes your way. Stay in touch with us. You can do this!

Catfish 04-23-2015 07:59 AM

Thank you R.Lee, Saint and Susie. I managed to get a good 12 hours sleep last night from 10:30-10:30. It's now nearly midday and I'm only just starting to 'wake up' properly!

I don't feel very positive today, but I do at least feel positive about not drinking, so that's one positive to try and expand upon over the rest of the day.

Wishing everyone a strong and centred day. X

Alexis 04-23-2015 08:58 AM

thinking of you Catfish, hope the pain isnt too bad today.

Boiling hot in Manchester today, but on the weather it says it will now rain for 2 weeks!! :(

trying to make the most of it.

x

Catfish 04-23-2015 09:36 AM

It's sunny but chilly in London today. It's due to rain? Why does that not surprise me? :D

Alexis 04-23-2015 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catfish (Post 453613)
It's sunny but chilly in London today. It's due to rain? Why does that not surprise me? :D

20 degrees here, but cant sit in the garden because some workmen are cutting down trees with big bloody chainsaws haha i cant hear myself think out there!

gmasusie 04-23-2015 12:36 PM

I wish I could sit in the "garden." We live in the desert and in the spring the wind blows sand, so it is not our best time of year. In a few weeks the wind will die down. Then I will enjoy going outside. You two are good support for each other.

"We get by with a little help from our friends." Susie

Catfish 04-23-2015 01:19 PM

I think I'd still swap, Susie. We get about four weeks of garden weather per year over here! :D

Saint 04-23-2015 04:32 PM

If every day was the same what would we have to look forward to. Personally I've had enough of winter and am ready to start complaining about the heat. HaHa.

Keep working it. We are all miracles of one.

Saint

Catfish 04-23-2015 04:47 PM

Very true Saint, although I still reckon I'd prefer to look forward to occasional rain than occasional sun. :D

8:46pm on day four. It's been a cruddy day health wise, but sunny other than that. :)

Strength and love to everyone!

Alexis 04-23-2015 05:24 PM

just checked and rain at around 4pm tomorrow so at least another almost full day of good weather!

Good job on another day sober :) x

gmasusie 04-23-2015 06:21 PM

Catfish,

I am sorry your health issues are bothering you, but you sound so strong! I believe the worst is behind you. Sobriety is worth it and should help the health issues too!

We are with you. Susie

Catfish 04-24-2015 08:00 AM

Thank you Susie. I think the worst is behind me, too. Facially I seem to be decreasing in age by about two years a day, and have woken up today feeling fuzzy but not in pain. Yay!

Alexis, quick, let's get our bikinis on. ;) (Our US friends: us Brits like to fake like it's boiling every time the sun comes out, even if it's minus 1 outside!)

Day five. I'm still in a dressing gown at noon but am feeling quite good!

Strength and positivity to all. :) Xxxxx

jenm 04-24-2015 09:01 AM

Hi Catfish!

You sound so positive, and that is wonderful! Remember this. How good you feel, how much you smile, how bright your eyes are. Together, we can stay in this day and not take a drink. It is 7am in the midwest, and a rainy day, but I just finished my devotions and am grateful to have woken up to another day. Take care! :) Jenm

Catfish 04-24-2015 09:38 AM

I intend to try and remember, yes. I even took a selfie earlier! :p

Wishing you a wonderful day, Jen. How nice to be up so bright and early. :)

lostdog 04-24-2015 09:43 AM

that is really neat to de-age now, Keep up your good work and your positive warm support, You are indeed a special person.

gmasusie 04-24-2015 10:37 AM

Catfish,

Congratulations! Make a list of all the bad things about drinking and all the good things about sobriety. You don't ever have to go back!

Susie

Alexis 04-24-2015 10:49 AM

I hope your day is still going well Catfish! Thinking of you! x

Catfish 04-24-2015 10:54 AM

Thank you so much, Lostdog. That made me well up a bit. :)

Susie, that's actually a really great idea. At the moment I've been looking back at FB statuses and photos of me with wine looking sick and ten years older than I am. I might have to make a scrapbook of them or something to keep reminding myself. :D

Alexis, are YOU okay today? I just went out for a walk and sent positivity and clarity in the general direction of Manchester. I really do hope you're having a good day. Xxxx


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