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DianeC 02-23-2015 11:39 AM

I've lied to myself for a long time that I could handle alcohol consumption. I would go days, even weeks, and not even have a glass of wine with a meal. Once I drink one glass of wine or have one beer, however, I find myself getting out of control. I am so ashamed that I don't talk about this to anyone. I think if I talked about it, I could better control the urge to keep consuming when I know I should stop.

lostdog 02-23-2015 12:58 PM

Hi Diane and welcome, you are in the right place, there is no judgement here, just very kind people to help guide you as we all struggle day to day to get through and stay sober. We all have are own issues and feel free to vent and share yours. This is a nice website to know that someone will post and give you feedback. Have a blessed day and the beginning of your sober journey.

R. Lee 02-23-2015 02:18 PM

DianeC, welcome to the forum. I speak as a recovering alcoholic. I could not stop like you after that 1st drink. That is why I have to work a simple program of staying in today & thinking through that 1st drink.

There is a lot of great support here. We should not judge you so feel free to open up.

Millie 02-23-2015 02:22 PM

Welcome, Diane. If my past week here is any indication, you're in the right place. And you're doing the right thing!

DianeC 02-23-2015 02:39 PM

Thanks to all who replied and welcomed me. R. Lee, thank you so much for sharing that you understand my situation. I want to stop drinking wine at all in social settings and to unwind (the two places that are problems for me). If I have one glass, it turns into more. If I buy a bottle to have a glass after a long day, I'll drink the entire bottle. I now know I have to not have that first glass. I thought for a long time that because I don't have alcohol every day I could handle it. Not so. When I drink any, it easily gets out of control. I don't need to drink any. I know that now.

Millie 02-23-2015 03:10 PM

I'm in the same boat, Diane. Never was a daily drinker, but can't have just one, or two... or three. It takes courage to admit that's a problem.

I also struggled with the loneliness of keeping it a secret. This place can do wonders for relieving that.

DianeC 02-23-2015 03:20 PM

Millie, it's good knowing I'm not alone. I guess I've learned my triggers: feeling tired, being in a social setting with others who are drinking and when I get lonely are three. I've read that learning what can trigger the desire for a drink is a good step. I'm middle-aged, and I have started worrying lately about what I'm doing to my health. I have this fear that one day I'll have a check-up and learn I've damaged my liver or some other horrid situation will happen. I think worry about losing my health has brought me to address this demon that has a-hold of me. For years I have hated the fact I lose my control when I start drinking. I hate that feeling of being out of control of my choices. But I do have choices. I can choose not to have that first glass of wine.

Millie 02-23-2015 04:38 PM

Someone told me about this thing, HALT, where common triggers are when you're too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I rarely get angry (that could be replaced by frustrated for me), but the others, yep, yep and yep.

I'm in my 40s and started to worry about doctor visits, the same way you have. I know the health risks, but had convinced myself that because I didn't drink daily, it was fine. But of course it isn't. Abuse can be just as bad for health as dependence.

I like what you said about it being a choice. For me, it's a choice until that first sip. I don't know why, but it flips a switch and then it's no longer a choice. It's in control. I finally came to the realization that I just can't offer it that control at all. It's only been a week for me of intentionally not drinking, and it's been a struggle, but thinking about why it's a struggle has been therapeutic. What these guys say about taking it one day at a time and thinking through that first drink... I found that very much worth the time it takes to really internalize.

DianeC 02-23-2015 05:01 PM

Thanks for sharing about HALT, Millie. I'd never read about that particular acronym but have read, as I mentioned, about triggers. I also think that for people who are prone to depression or at least to feeling down on a regular basis the desire to have a drink to alter one's feelings is tempting, and that one drink leads to more for me. It's as if when I drink that first glass of wine I feel so much better emotionally I want to have more of that good feeling, but it's not a choice after I start. During difficult times I've begun drinking that initial glass because I wanted to just feel better. I think advertising and the social aspect for me is hard too. So much of social life these days includes sharing alcohol. That's something I have to be careful about now that I've decided I must stop. Of course, drinking too much doesn't make me feel better. It even makes me physically sick at times. Since I've gotten older my stomach hurts the next day after having imbibed a lot of wine. I awaken the next morning hating myself for being out of control and having the entire bottle of wine. I think drinking alone is a problem too. I don't live around drinkers, so that's a good thing, but I do have friends who like to drink socially each time I'm around them. I had started keeping a journal marking the days I drink. I started it the beginning of the new year in January. It's not every day, but it's too regular. I don't want to mark one more day with a notation that I've had alcohol. I didn't start drinking until my mid-thirties. Before that I had no idea that I would have such a problem. I've often wished I'd never even started. But I can stop. And I will. If I want to stay healthy and be happier, I have to stop.

Millie 02-23-2015 05:14 PM

I too have used it to try to feel better when feeling down (I have a tendency toward mild depression). And it helps temporarily, but of course, being a depressant itself, ultimately makes it worse. I'm sure you know that. And I totally hear you on the drinking alone thing...

I stopped drinking in social situations a couple of years ago because I got tired of making a fool of myself. Sometimes I'm able to conscript a friend into being a sober buddy for the night. And one of the reasons I sign up for races and then train for them is that I can use "I have to run in the morning" as an excuse. It has so far kept the social awkwardness at bay in terms of having to explain why. But it can make the whole experience a little boring, once everyone else starts getting tipsy. I haven't found a solution around that other than trying to organize activities that aren't just sitting around drinking.

You sound very resolved. You can do this. :)

R. Lee 02-23-2015 05:28 PM

DianeC, You are welcome. Yes we were just sharing about HAULT for someone who has sleeping & eating issues. They are triggers.

You have put for the effort to journal about your drinking, searched this forum & came in & posted.

You are on your way. Think through that 1st drink.

DianeC 02-23-2015 05:40 PM

I think that after making the decision to stop... that to say it out loud to another person makes the chance of stopping greater. It's like - think it, decide it, SAY it to others and then do it. Hope that makes sense. Positive thinking and positive speaking maybe... Thanks so much for the dialogue. It really helps me to sort out my path. I know I'll have temptations. Now I know I have others to talk to when that desire to have that first glass hits. Thanks again!

DianeC 02-23-2015 05:48 PM

R. Lee, you are so right about that first drink. I am looking at it now that I do have a choice when it comes to that first drink. I appreciate all the support already! The responses are so kind and helpful. I am grateful.

DianeC 02-24-2015 09:36 AM

Good morning from northern Virginia! I have a very good feeling about taking this step to share on this site. So far, from all I've read, I can see that the folks here are kind and very supportive, and it feels good to know I can share without fear of being judged. I have hopes that I can make the choice each day of not having that first drink. For me, it is a long term struggle. I can and have gone days, weeks and even months without so much as having a sip of alcohol. This has been my pattern for years. However, once I drink a glass - at a party, having a meal in a restaurant, sharing a glass of wine at home with friends, when I feel the need to pick up wine at the store because I'm tired or bored or lonely - then I'm usually unable to stop until I've had way too much. Once it's in my system, then my will power is lost and I can't find it. So, my challenge is to not take that first sip ever, but since I know I can go a long period of time without drinking, this has to be something I accomplish each and every day as time goes on... I have to look at this as a life change, something that I abstain from each day no matter what setting I find myself in or what mood I am in. Thanks to all so far for such sound support.

R. Lee 02-24-2015 09:46 AM

DianeC, In my 42 years of drinking I quit three times twice for 7 months & once for 4 months. It was always giving in on that 1st drink that took me back to where I was before. I will never be cured.

iamtrying 02-24-2015 09:58 AM

Hi DianaC

I am/was in the same shoe, It's the first drink that gets you...I think some of our brains are wired like's the chain reaction of first one that puts us in the state to consume rest of the bottle. I remember all those mornings with hangover, what a waste of day/s..all those moments which nobody deserves happened because of drinking...

We are only humans, but you can control what you want, it's all in the head. I deal with this one day at a time, just today, i will go all the way to keep myself sober and I tell this to myself everyday and I practice, and I am trying always..

I don't have to tell you this, God has given us one body and one liver, it's upto us how we want to take care of it...that bottle is going to slowly kill it. Don't you think it's smart to live life healthier, happier and smarter...I am no expert, I feel that's the better choice

Throw all the drinks at home, i mean empty them not just throw in the trash...give a try for one day at a time...when you are sober, you will find lot of spare time, believe me this is the wasted time, take opportunity to plan something that interests you...I had hard time figuring out what interests me when I started, because I drank and passed out and that interested I had to pick something else...I started off watching good TV and movies, I read, I learn something new every day watch a video to learn something new in profession, join health club, if your are already a member go to it...push yourself, buy a new thing that you liked and try to use it, imagine how best you can use it...

Stay away for people and places which your brain relates to drinking...take it easy and relax, best part of being sober is you don't have to do anything...just be yourself and do things you love...

Have a great day my friend, stay sober and stay safe...Welcome to the group!

DianeC 02-24-2015 09:59 AM

Thank you for the feedback and support, R. Lee. I appreciate you responding to my words. I look at this as something I have to deal with in an ongoing manner, taking it each and every day. I never looked at it as giving drinking up for weeks or months; my pattern is that I don't want to drink for weeks or months but when I do have that first glass of wine (in one of the scenarios I mentioned earlier), then my will power is lost. I'm not diminishing my issue. I know I must not drink that first drink no matter where I am or what mood I'm in -- ever. For whatever reason, my will power goes out the window once alcohol is introduced into my body. This can only be done if I acknowledge I have a problem and if I am aware and I want to stop.

DianeC 02-24-2015 10:04 AM

Thanks so much, iamtrying! I do appreciate your words. I don't keep alcohol in my house. Never have. My issue is when I am out with a friend who likes wine with a meal (I am tempted), when I'm at a party where alcohol is being served (I am tempted), when I am bored or tired or lonely and pass by a liquor store (I am tempted). So I am dealing with those scenarios in which I am tempted ... as you say... one day at a time. I like myself far more during the times I don't even drink that first glass (that gets me started), so I am going to try for each day to like myself a whole lot!

Millie 02-24-2015 01:35 PM


Originally Posted by DianeC (Post 450566)
so I am going to try for each day to like myself a whole lot!

I love this. :)

R. Lee 02-24-2015 03:34 PM

DianeC & Millie thanks for helping others here by posting on their threads. It helps us get out of ourselves when we help others.

Tryntryagain 02-25-2015 04:56 AM

Good morning DianeC. Bright blessings to you.

I am sorry it has taken me this long to say hello and i want to wish a very warm welcome to this amazing family. Reading through your thread i can say without any doubt you have most certainly have found the right place to share your thoughts, taking each day a day at a time. With reference to that "1st" drink, over here in Blighty we have a saying that goes around the AA meetings, and you may well have heard it before, but it is, "1 drink is too much and a 1000 are not enough". It is simply the way for those with issues and addiction around alcohol.

You know Diane it never ceases to amaze me that a thread that seems to run through us all is that at sometime or another we feel, weak and feel as we have little self worth or self value. We struggle with self confidence and we feel there is "something wrong with us~~!"

It then turns out that he very folk who feel this way turn out to be the most thoughtful, understanding, experienced, wise, loving, compassionate and supportive people anyone could possibly wish to meet.

Here you are absolutely surrounded by them!

Once again welcome.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you DianeC

DianeC 02-25-2015 07:06 AM

My friend, Tryntryagain, I do thank you from the bottom of my soul for such thoughtful words. You have an insight into some of the root causes with which we struggle. I grew up in a dysfunctional (although oddly enough not alcoholic) family. I was not taught to love or accept myself. I also struggled with grief for years with estrangements from members of my family, whom I loved and still love, but who are poison for me to have inside my life. I used alcohol many times to quiet that sadness. I also think that for some people alcohol transforms something inside us, possibly in our brains, that makes 'one drink too much and 1000 not enough', as you so aptly put it. Again, I thank you for your words of wisdom, your compassion and kindness. I wish for you a grand day, a day that will fill your heart with joy...

gmasusie 02-25-2015 10:34 AM

Welcome to our site and this family. I have been out of town and out of touch. I look forward to hearing more of your story.


Millie 02-26-2015 05:19 PM

Good day, DianeC. Saw what you said in another thread about bypassing the situation, and wanted to say how great that is. Nicely done. :)

DianeC 02-27-2015 04:14 PM

Sharing is key...
Hi new friends! Although I haven't been here long, I wanted to say that I'm finding a miracle of sorts since joining this site. Reading your posts is a welcome piece of motivation I must have been missing. I mull over the words from so many of you when I might have had a glass of wine which would have more than likely turned into more. I am able to 'think through that first drink'! I'm finding that I am now cognizant of why I would have that first drink to begin with. I send congratulations to all who have posted sobriety successes. I'm taking this each day, and I'm thankful for all the welcoming words you've shared with me.

Saint 02-27-2015 04:25 PM

Keep thinking sobriety Dianne. We move towards and become that which we think about. Make sobriety a lifestyle. And do continue to think through that first drink.


Tryntryagain 02-27-2015 04:27 PM

Good evening DianeC. Bright blessings to you.

It is so lovely, (ive only been here a couple of years), so lovely when new folk come along, not looking for help exactly, but looking for strength.

Well, i can say that all i have come to know here are the strongest people i know, and none would admit it, although i have an inkling myself, being one of them.

Strength is being somewhere in the world, and putting into your browser, "drink/addiction/help".

With a whole heap of support and love, then it's up to us.

Be peaceful, stay focused, keep sharing. Loveness to you Diane

lostdog 02-27-2015 04:50 PM

keep at it, you are doing well. so glad you are here to share your posts and kindness. Best wishes to you on your journey.

gmasusie 02-27-2015 11:02 PM

Stay with us, Diane. We're better company than a glass of wine and no hangover!


DianeC 02-28-2015 09:11 AM

Thanks, Susie. I plan to!

Tryntryagain 02-28-2015 10:33 AM

Good afternoon Diane. Bright blessings to you.

Thanks for dropping by and posting. I hope all is well with you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Diane.

DianeC 03-01-2015 10:24 AM

Happy Sunday to All!
Sending wishes for everyone a safe, happy and sober Sunday! Thanks for all the support that each of you give. :)

lostdog 03-01-2015 10:47 AM

Thanks and sending warm wishes to you for a peaceful sober day.

jenm 03-01-2015 02:52 PM

Thanks DianeC! I hope that your day is wonderful as well. The sun is shining and it is (finally) above freezing here, although it is supposed to snow again in a couple of days. I am sick of seeing snow. Everybody around here is. Here's to Spring!!!! :) Jenm

Millie 03-01-2015 08:56 PM

Happy Sunday, DianeC. :)

DianeC 03-02-2015 10:35 AM

:) Happy, safe and sober Monday to all! I want to reiterate how much it has meant and means to me to have found this 'family' of support. I thank each of you from the bottom of my being. Have a great day and week, everyone!

R. Lee 03-02-2015 10:46 AM

You are welcome DianeC. Keep it up.

DianeC 03-03-2015 07:23 AM

For Today...
For today I will love myself
enough to take care of me.
Today I will treat myself with
the same consideration I give others I love.

I have but one life, one body, one time
here on this earth to live each moment.
Today I will do those things that
bring me peace and quiet in my soul.

Today I will exercise my mind and body;
noticing the beauty surrounding me.
This day, this incredible day in which I live
will find me alive in each moment.

Happy Tuesday, my new friends! :)

Tryntryagain 03-03-2015 08:31 AM

Good afternoon Diane. Bright blessings to you.

I can not tell you how much of a joy and privilege it is to read your beautiful poem. The only thing that tops it is how humble i feel that you have shared it with us all.

Thank you so much Diane.

Be peaceful, and you have a cracking Tuesday too. Loveness to you Diane.

DianeC 03-03-2015 09:37 AM

Hi Tryn! I appreciate your kind words; though, I'm not sure my post falls under the category of poem... As I was going about my morning activities and checked in to say hello to all of you, these words popped in my head. Yesterday I kept thinking throughout the day, 'just for today...'. From that phrase flowed those lines. Have a wonderful, blessed and sober day, Tryin and all!

lostdog 03-03-2015 09:50 AM

enjoyed your poem so much, have a nice day!

gmasusie 03-03-2015 10:01 AM

I am glad to have you with us!

R. Lee 03-03-2015 10:32 AM

DianeC, Yes just for today. Congratulation on another day.

Millie 03-03-2015 01:03 PM

That's lovely, DianeC. Thank you for sharing it. :)

iamtrying 03-03-2015 03:30 PM

Love it, Nicely written DianeC...Beautiful...

Have a great Tue...stay sober and stay safe ....have friend.

DianeC 03-06-2015 08:36 AM

Good morning everyone! We had a big snow here yesterday. As I look out at this March 'winter-wonderland," I am reminded that I am part of this beautiful world, and that my life is precious and I am worth sobriety. For this day I will make good choices. I champion each of you who knows success today and who have posted your days of sobriety and successes. For today.... we can do this :)

R. Lee 03-06-2015 10:27 AM

Yes just for today. Simple but not easy.

iamtrying 03-06-2015 11:03 AM

Great thought DianeC...I am with you...

Have a great Friday...stay sober,stay safe and warm my friend...

DianeC 03-06-2015 11:10 AM

I thought Michael's post very inspiring as well, iamtrying. I appreciate and am inspired by the words of wisdom that so many of you post. Congrats on your days of sobriety, iamtrying.

DianeC 03-06-2015 11:14 AM

Thanks, R. Lee. Some days are harder than others; I find.

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